Musings of a subbie

2010-03-21T09:50:00.002-05:00

Richard and I are done. We could've stayed together, but I felt like I wasn't giving him the respect as he deserves. I don't even mean as a dom, but even just as a lover and a person. He wanted to try to work things out and stay together, but I don't feel like there was anything he was doing wrong. I just clearly wasn't ready to be in a committed (even if it was open) relationship again.

I thought about closing this blog at the end of the relationship. After all, I'm barely writing in it anymore. But I started it originally because I felt lost, and I feel lost again. I knew I'd been feeling down the last few days (breakups and more snow tend to do that), but when I got to work I saw that we had a new Suicide Girls book. I grabbed that and practically every tattoo mag we sell, and sat down to read them all. I knew this wasn't really normal for me, but it wasn't until I was half way through the book that I realised I was searching for myself.

I'm not sure I can explain that, but I'll try. I've always loved looking through suicide girls stuff. I still maintain that I'm not bi, but damn some of those girls are cute! And it's not really because of their features, but because of the intelligence you see in their eyes, the creativity you see all over their bodies, and the comfort you see in the way they work with the camera. That's just a side note. hehe In my experience, many modified girls are searching for themselves (as are most people, they're just doing it through mods), but they're comfortable with that search and with their transitions.

Until recently, I felt the same way. I'm not the person I want to be yet but that person is slowly emerging. I felt like I sculptor and I was content to chip away tiny pieces until I'm content with my sculpture. There was no desperation to my search, and I even thought I knew what the sculpture inside the stone would look like. Inside this fat, relatively plain (but still pretty cute) girl is a gorgeously curvy girl with beautiful tattoos and bright red dreadlocks down to my ass... oh, and great tits! I should point out that the real me is probably somewhere between those two, and that the "finished" me probably won't be like I picture it. I probably won't have the dreads. lol And I should also point out that the changes I want to make are purely external. I'm pretty happy with who I am internally, although I have no doubt that that will change too.

But suddenly I'm feeling a little desperation. Many of my life's decisions seems to have a degree of finality to them and that's worrying me a little. When I left Patrick, I knew there was a chance I was giving up on the chance of having children. I wasn't sure I even wanted them, but still... I'm perfectly aware of my age, and while it's still very young, it's not young enough to spend years and years with a partner before even thinking about having kids, like I would like to. It could still happen (and I'm still not sure I want kids), and I could always adopt, but I gave up on planning for kids when I left.

Now that Richard and I have split, I feel like I'm giving up on love too. Well, that's not true. I feel like I've given up on romantic, long-lasting, gut-wrenching love. But since I'm not even sure it existed, I'm trying to figure out why it's bothering me to give up on it.

It's not just our split that's triggering this. It's also the fact that I belong to someone else. Someone who loves me (and vice versa) but who has no romantic interest in me. His rules are very clear. He wants me to enjoy what we do, but his pleasure comes first. It took me awhile to learn that commenting on how hot and fuckable some random guy is wasn't really a good idea. Having said that, ultimately he wants me to be happy. So if there is a guy I want to date, no problem.

Except, there are actually a couple problems. The biggest one is that I don't WANT to date anyone! God knows I am not ready for that right now. I think I've just proven that. But that means unless I'm dating, I don't get tenderness and affection in my life. Actually, that's a complete lie, because he is extremely affectionate. But that's the friend part of our relationship, not the sex part. I can't imagine tenderness with our sex, nor should there be. After, yes, but that's different. And even then I can't imagine getting one of those deep, toe-curling soul kisses.

It would be wrong of me to date someone just for kisses, and I wouldn't do that to some guy. But can I stay sane in a situation with love, affection, sex, but no kisses? What worries me most is that I'm not reconsidering any of this. lol It feels right to be his pet, even with no kisses and potential future pain.

But I don't know how to be his and still keep searching for me. When I was still in a relationship with Richard, there was still a part of my life that was just for me. Now I don't have that. I'm not the person I want to be yet, I'm searching for myself, but at the same time I'm losing the major area in my life where being an individual is important. Part of my identity is his pet. And that sends shivers down my spine. It also scares the crap out of me.

So I guess for now I'll keep looking at these beautiful and beautifully flawed girls, looking at the gorgeous tattoos and finding things that I like, thereby finding another small piece of myself. And who knows... maybe the person I want to be will be the person he wants me to be. Without the dreads. :-)

On self-reflection

2010-02-17T08:30:00.002-06:00

Last night, hours after I wrote the previous entry, I was sitting around at work reading a book, the Guide to Getting it On. It's a hefty textbook essentially, but well-written and fun. I'd like to think I know a hell of a lot about sex and sexuality and kink. But you can never know everything, so I was curious to see what this could teach me. I'm getting off the point though.

As I was reading, I came across a paragraph that echoed what I was feeling when I was writing. "Some people need to have sex or masturbate several times a day to help numb a chronic sense of anxiety or ease feelings of deadness. Having a constant stream of orgasms can be their way of keeping an emotional funk at arm's length. Do not confuse this with sexual pleasure, even if they do." I've been kicking that around in my mind ever sense.

"Some people need to masturbate several times a day..." Do I need to? Or do I just want to? I don't think it's helpful to look at when I'm on orgasm restrictions to answer that question. After all, it's human nature to want what you can't have. During normal life, I do masturbate a lot, often a few times a day. But there are days when I don't, or days when I can't. When I don't, I'm not depressed, and when I can't, (because of life rather than specific orgasm restrictions) I'm not climbing the walls. I masturbate because I'm bored, or because I'm working a night shift and I desperately need to sleep even thought it's the middle of the day and I'm wide awake, or because one of the two guys in my life told me to, or just because I'm horny. If fills several positions in my life, and maybe some of those aren't strictly healthy. But I think masturbation still falls under the want category rather than the need one.

"to help numb a chronic sense of anxiety..." I'll be the first to admit that I have bouts of anxiety. I know why they started, and I know how much they've decreased over the years. I know they stem from a feeling of impotence and a fear of not knowing if something happened to someone I love. I also know that these anxiety attacks are very rare for me now and that they did not decrease with an increase in masturbation, nor are the rare ones brought on by a lack of masturbation. I can't honestly say that I know for a fact that there is no connection. But I know that it is unlikely that I am masturbating to manage anxiety, consciously or unconsciously.

"or ease feelings of deadness...." This is what scares me the most. When I was younger, I went through a little depression, as many teenagers do. Only once did I feel suicidal and at the time I took a very pragmatic attitude toward it. I decided to shit or get off the pot, essentially. If I was going to kill myself, I just wanted to get on with it rather than feeling maudlin and melodramatic forever. If, however, I decided life was worth living, I never wanted to revisit this issue again. And as of today I haven't. However, the attitude I took left me worried that someday I'd feel that way again. If there is something or someone in my life that makes me feel that kind of depressed again, I'm pretty quick to cut it out of my life. I don't know if that's healthy or unhealthy, but it is what it is. I worry about feeling that kind of deadness, yes. But I have no evidence to suggest that the potential for feeling that has been lurking hidden inside me for the last 14 years.

So what happened a couple days ago to put me in such a funk? I'm sure the lack of sleep or lack of endorphins I'm used to exacerbated the issue. But I won't think they were the cause or the main factor. I think that honour is more likely to go to an issue I already know I have.

Deep down, I'm convinced that I'll end up alone because no one in their right mind could love me. I tend to sabbotage relationships even when I try not to. But in the last few months, I've discovered an interesting new type of relationship. One that includes sex and love and friendship, but we're not in love. I never actually thought that could exist. A situation where sex is based on what he wants.... where there's no obligation and no hurt feelings. I don't have to question his motivation because the motive is always desire or interest. I trust him and trust that he will protect me and think of what it best for me, because he cares about me. But he's not in love with me, so there's no issue with him hurting me like I want him to. Perfect!!

Except that it's temporary. Probably. Hopefully. He's a wonderful man and a hopeful romantic, and the minute he falls in love with someone, it's over. I'm well aware of that and I accepted it a long time ago. I thought. The other day it hit me that when he finds that perfect woman, I would be so happy for him. He deserves all the happiness I could ever wish for him. I would also feel (and possibly be) completely abandoned. I don't know if he would be there for me when I'm missing his dominance or just his cuddles. And I don't know if I would want him to be there. I wouldn't want anything to smudge his happiness and ultimately it's not his problem. It would be mine to get over.

I'm not in love with him, but I do love him. And I do want all the amazing things we could offer each other, even if it's temporary. Still, I went from thinking that I would always be alone, to thinking that I would never be alone because it's a casual relationship, and then to thinking that not only would I be alone when it ended, but that the end was likely to be abrupt, complete, and painful since I would still be happy for him through all that adjustment. It hit me hard.

Anyone sane is probably wondering where the hell Richard is in all this "I'll die alone" crap. Honestly, I don't know how things will go with him. I do know that I love him. I know that my life would be a poorer place without him in it. I can't imagine anyone else possibly being able to accept the relationship we now find ourselves in. But I also know that I still think he's a fool for loving me. I know that the things I'm asking him to accept aren't easy. I know we have problems and that, like I said, I tend to sabotage relationships. And I know that ultimately I still expect to be alone. I just really hope I'm wrong.

On depression

2010-02-16T11:21:00.003-06:00

Over the past couple of days, I have had masturbation restrictions. There's nothing original or different about that. Nothing that a thousand other submissives haven't gone through many many times before me. But for some reason, this hit me hard.

There are a few things you should know about me for all this to make sense. I'm generally a pretty happy person. I laugh all the time. I smile for no reason. Even when life really really sucks, a bright blue sky or a beautiful moon will make all the hard stuff worth it. I'm easily pleased and generally satisfied with my life, even though I still try to make my life better. And I masturbate a lot. lol

There have also been a lot of changes since the last time I posted. I don't want to go in to all of them yet, but I can make a long story short. Basically, the D/s aspect of my relationship has faded fast. We still love each other and we are still together, but the dominance just isn't important to him. It is still important to me. So although I am dating him, I now belong to someone else. Everyone knows about everyone else, and it is a relatively amiable relationship.

Whew... I think that covers all the preliminaries. Now to the crux of this post. Like I said, being unable to masturbate like I normally would has thrown me more than I expected it to. The first couple days, I went through the hair-pulling frustration and the cat-in-heat mentality. And then I crashed pretty hard.

It was the crash that surprised me. Nothing happened that should've made me crash like this. My life was still a good place to be. I'd enjoyed work more than I had in awhile, I have two men in my life who love me in two very different ways, I have a nice warm house to come home to... what more can a girl ask for?

And yet, suddenly I was crying for no reason. Suddenly I was shaking with fear of being abandoned and alone. Suddenly I was fighting to not throw away everything good in my life an favour of the emptyness which I was convinced would eventually fill my life anyway.

That was yesterday. Today, I'm still feeling down. Today, I'm desperate for attention and cuddles and kisses. And as usual, when I really need something, I don't ask. And today I'm still on masturbation restrictions.

That's what concerns me the most right now. What if all this darkness is always inside me? What if it's just held at bay by all the wonderful orgasm endorphins that constantly flood my system? What if I just hadn't noticed that I'm living with something dangerous because every orgasm just covers it up?

If that's true... well, if that's true then maybe the happiness I always feel is just a facade. It's something I like about myself. Now I wonder if it's just chemically induced. Natural chemicals, true enough, but chemically induced nonetheless. If something I like about myself, something that I feel defines me, is basically just a cover, what does that say about me and who I really am?

I'm feeling weird and fractured. And the stupid thing is, I don't even know if these are valid concerns. If, should I be on orgasm restrictions another time, the same thing would happen again. Or if this is all an over-reaction to an anxiety that is always in the back of my mind over being depressed and this has just been a bad couple of days.

I'm hoping it's just been a bad day.

On frustrations

2009-11-24T14:26:00.002-06:00

I've been thinking a lot about online vs. real life relationships. I've had both in my life for more than a decade, but I've never had both with one person until now. I knew the change over would be interesting and possibly frustrating, and now we've really hit the frustration part. I hated when Richard and I were only online because I couldn't feel him. Now there are all new frustrations.

Now we worry about each other's finances and try to work around work and school to see each other just for 12 hours. And half of those 12 hours we're sleeping. This was even more frustrating when I realised we'd gone over two weeks without sex. Not just real sex, but also phone or cyber, which obviously used to be all we ever got. What the hell!!?! And why did it take me so long to really notice?

I called him and tried to talk some of these frustrations out. He tried to help by giving me a fantasy based in reality. Just for a little background, the last time we were together we bought a whole kit of things including suction cup handcuffs. I don't actually have a bed, just a mattress on the floor, so since the suction cups were supposed to work on the wall, we thought that'd be perfect. We hadn't had a chance to explore or even open the kit while we were together though. So he started talking about how he couldn't wait to try out the handcuffs and how I would look helpless on the bed. But before he could tell me what he wanted to do once I was helpless, I interrupted. "Oh yeah! I forgot to tell you that they don't work! They're fine in the shower but they just don't stick to the wall." Then I started crying. Once again, reality had intruded and I had let it.

He laughed it off but it's still bothering me. I don't really know what I could've done differently though. After all, it would've been kind of mean to hear his fantasy, all the time knowing it was impossible, and then springing the fact that I knew it wouldn't work on him when the fantasy was about to become reality. But I hate that I'm letting the reality get me down.

On jealousy

2009-11-02T15:35:00.004-06:00

Richard and I have been living in a fantasy world for so long, it's hard when we have to make the transition to the real world. In a few short weeks I have found a job, and he has lost a job and found a new one. I've met his family and mentioned him to mine. We've had serious financial discussions and for the first time, there are hints of jealousy.

I've mentioned before that Richard and I have an open relationship and that has not changed since moving from a fantasy world. Having said that, most of our external relationships are still in the fantasy world. Well, a few months ago I met a man that I'll call Jake. He wants me to call him Mr. Right Now, but this is my blog and he doesn't always get what he wants. ;-)

Whenever I talk to someone new online, I find it takes a week or two to see how that relationship will really solidify. More often than not, you talk for one night and then that's it. Sometimes you talk for one night and then spend the next few months trading a few emails but never really reconnecting. Then there are guys who you talk to once a month or so. And then there are a few guys who you just really enjoy talking to and somehow schedules just work and you end up talking practically every day.

Jake is the latter. I love talking to him and he makes me smile and laugh and cum. I'd like to think that I do the same for him. His interests and personality are such that make him my ideal Dom, but not necessarily my ideal lover.

I've written before about how Richard doesn't feel like he could protect me if he needed to. Because of that, some of our more extreme fantasies may never come true. With Jake, that's really not an issue. He has the training and experience and sheer drive that would allow practically any of my fantasies to come true. Even the crazy ones.

Richard and I work because we are equals, and I choose to submit to him. That's the perfect relationship for me and for him. With Jake.... well, compared to him, I feel like Richard and I are children. He's only a year older than we are, but there seems to be a level of experience and maturity that we simply don't have. We may get there some day, but for now we're nowhere close. With Richard, I submit because I want to . With Jake, I would submit because I just wouldn't have a choice. And while that makes him my perfect Dom, it takes him too far from my perfect lover ideal.

Given that fact though, I can't blame Richard for being a little jealous. It probably doesn't help that when I first mentioned Jake to him, I said "So, last night I met a guy who thinks he's going to take me away from you." lol And just to clarify, Jake did originally say that. But after I met Richard and he knew I was in love with him, he backed off. He has no qualms about taking a girl from a guy, but he draws the line when she really loves a guy.

Over the last couple of weeks, there had been tiny little flash points where I wondered if Richard had issues with Jake. I would get a text from Jake while Richard and I were together and he would frown just a little. I asked him, but he swears that my message tone annoyed him. I had my doubts, but I let it go. Until this morning.

The last few nights I have been working late. I have been getting off at midnight and I have an hour drive back to my house. When work is really quiet, I end up texting people. Richard usually ends up sleeping around 9 or 10, but Jake has been awake much later. The last two nights I ended up talking to Jake as I drove home to stay awake and pulling over for a little phone sex before sleep.

But last night, I was just really missing Richard. I was also really really really horny and I wanted my man. I left Richard a message just in case he woke up around midnight and wanted to talk to me on the drive home. I knew he was probably sleeping so I wasn't surprised when that didn't happen.

I thought about calling Jake instead. He makes the drive home so quick and there are always wonderful moans at the end of the drive. But I knew that as much as I wanted to stay awake and as much as I needed to cum, I really wanted Richard. It wasn't fair to turn to Jake just because Richard wasn't around. I enjoy Jake for Jake's sake, but in that situation it would've seemed like he was my second choice and that's not fair. I don't think of him that way and I don't like doing things that put him in a second place position. So I drove home in silence and prayed that a horny cop would pull me over and fuck my brains out.

This morning, Richard got the message that I had left and called to apologize for being asleep. I told him not to be silly and somehow I ended up mentioning that Jake had had the "keep me awake" role for the last few nights.

Suddenly he went very very quiet and I didn't know how to fix it. He asked me what we talked about and I told him. I asked him why there was a problem with Jake. After all, no matter how much I enjoy Jake, I love Richard more. He's better for me than anyone else could ever be.

Richard says there isn't a problem and that we just hadn't talked much the last couple of days and he had wondered why. We had talked the last couple of days though, so obviously I'm doing something wrong. I'm not ok with the idea of stopping our open relationship. He wouldn't drop his playmates and I don't want to drop mine. But I need to find a way to make sure he knows that he will always be the most important.

Fantasy world sure is easier than real life sometimes.

On laughter

2009-10-21T23:22:00.002-05:00

Last week I had a very interesting experience. Several of them, actually. These experience need a little background though, so bear with me.

I've known for a long time that money and all things relating to it would be the biggest issue Richard and I could ever have if our relationship continued. It was very obvious very quickly that he and I come from two different worlds. He comes from a world where it is reasonable for people to worry about getting fired and you're raised knowing how to deal with bailiffs and an admirable skill is knowing how to get out of bills and steal cable. And I.... well, I don't.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I was raised in a wealthy family. And recognising that he and I have different world-views makes me feel like a snob. But that's really far from the truth. I've got my fair share of debt and bad financial decisions and a bailiff or two in my past. The real issue is actually that we view money in a different way.

For the most part, if I don't have it, I don't spend it. If I can't pay my bills, I don't buy books and games. Being unable to pay a bill is a stressful thing for me and I'll do without food in order to pay it. It's stressful for him too, but he only gets really stressed when his utilities have been turned off for a month or so.

Last week and before, money was becoming an issue. He was the only one of us working since I was still looking for a job, but I was ending up spending most of the money. I didn't mind, but when I didn't have the money for my electric bill, suddenly I regretted some of the trips or meals or purchases. I knew I was getting anxious about it, but actually what I was more anxious about was the fact that I wasn't telling him.

I promised him honesty in all things, but because I'm worried that money will be a flash point for us, I put it aside and tried to deal with it myself. Keeping it from him frustrated me more than the issue itself did.

Then last week I ended up making a surprise visit back to my parent's house. Now, I love my parents very much. They are frugal, industrious people who have managed to create a life and a home that makes it look like they are much wealthier than they are. It is very important that they have things around them. It is very important to them that they have huge retirement funds and that my step-dad be the sole provider.

And when I saw that again, I remembered that money actually isn't that important to me. Yes, I want to pay my bills because someday I'd like to own a house and I'd like my credit score to be decent. But electricity and a house means nothing if you don't have laughter and smiles.

Unfortunately I only remembered this after snapping at Master for a moment, but that rift was repaired. The repair itself was fortunate, however, since the week was about to get more interesting. Master is now jobless, which will only make things more difficult. I got a job the next day and I'm loving it so far, but it will be another week before I get paid and I had more car trouble which drained my account entirely.

For every good thing that has happened, there have been negatives. But somehow, as long as I remember what is really important to me, I think we will be fine. Richard never seemed to lose sight of what was important. There is still love, and smiles, and laughter.

On tissues and tampons

2009-10-13T23:41:00.002-05:00

I apologize in advance to any male readers out there. I'm not usually one for discussing menstrual cycles, but this time I'm making an exception. On day 18 of the period from hell, I feel I have the right to do so.

This has been an interesting weekend. It was my birthday a few days ago and I got to see Richard for the last few hours of it. It was really a nice day. I mean, it had no right to be because I got there 5 hours later than I wanted to, mostly due to still more car problems and a few other delays. But sometimes days are good despite all the problems.

He was sick with a cold and a touch of the man-flu. And he's passed the cold on to me, which I don't really mind. It's worth the time we spent cuddling to go through a few boxes of tissues. There wasn't much play time, but every moment we had was wonderful.

But now I'm back home alone and going through tissues and tampons by the box, and I'm feeling just a little miserable. Not bad, really, but.... well, it'd just be nice if I had someone here to take care of me. *smiles* I know I'm not an invalid and I'm not feeling THAT sick at the moment. But even just having someone rub my back would be comforting.

I'm trying not to be melodramatic about the whole blood loss thing, but after all this time I can't help but wonder if the dizzyness and exhaustion I'm feeling isn't partly from that. I keep trying to work up the energy to masturbate, since that always makes me feel better, even temporarily. But the energy and the desire just isn't there. It has been about a week since I have, and I'm pretty sure that's the longest I've gone since I was 15 or so. lol

Well, I guess I'll just have to wait all this out and know that soon I'll be feeling back to normal. And when I do, Richard and I can once again have incredible, playful sex. *grins*

On metaphors

2009-10-02T12:26:00.003-05:00

Master has amazing hair. Bear with me, I'm going somewhere with this, I promise. It's dark brown but... well, the roots are completely blonde. He looks like a kid that took a mud bath. It's naturally like that, and it just makes him seem to... well, shine, really.

I've been musing on this since I last saw him, but today I was able to form words. He and I were talking about a wedding we're supposed to go to next year. My best friend Maria just got engaged. She is the only one who knows about him (and she has known about him from the beginning) and so she offered me a +1, but only if he is the one I'm bringing. *grins*

She and I were talking about table seating and she suggested I sit at the top table. But partners were going to have to be at another table, and I couldn't picture leaving Richard on his own. For one thing, he wouldn't know anyone there. For another.... well, this particular group of people wouldn't necessarily get his particular brand of humour. Fortunately there wasn't that much room at the top table, so I politely stepped down. But I mentioned this to him and he agreed. He would either step on a lot of toes accidentally or end up being a wall flower.

I can't picture him as a wall flower. Ok, sometimes my Master talks too much. And sometimes he's too hyper. But that's what I love about him. The man glows! I could watch him talking and laughing for hours. And even when he is talking too much, I don't really want to stop him.

I said this to him also and he asked for clarification. Eventually I compared him to the sun. When he's hyper, it's like a hot summer day with no wind. The sun would blind you if you looked anywhere near it and the heat is a little oppressive. When he's happy and laughing, it's like any other day when the sun is shining. It's beautiful and makes you smile just because. You feel comforting warmth all around you. You can feel the life-giving rays on your skin. And when he's sad or angry, it's like a cloudy day. You know the sun is there, but there's no warmth. You can't see it. And you just have to wait until the sun shines again.

The sun has been a male symbol for centuries. I could always understand why in theory. But now I see the reality of the sun in my male.

I asked him if I was like the moon, to see if I could continue the metaphor. His response was

"No my dear. You are the trees of the rain forest. You thrive off of my greatest moods, and I get to see you grow in response."

*grins* Not the answer I was looking for, but I know he would never simply agree with me. He comes up with his own ideas and analogies. And that's another thing I love.

On weekends

2009-09-30T14:27:00.004-05:00

This weekend Richard decided to go for romance over kink for the most part. He believes that the two do not go hand in hand, and although I'm not sure I agree with that, I didn't mind the change of pace. But for the first day, there was kink.

For example, there were handjobs on the highway. We stopped by the adult superstore just to glance and maybe do a little toy shopping. That little side trip may have netted me a job. I have an interview there tomorrow.

When we got home we slept... or we started to anyway. We were both exhausted, but there's just something about having your lover naked in your arms again. For a moment, your exhaustion goes away. He asked me what I wanted and I couldn't decide... I wanted to be fucked, but I wanted his cock in my mouth. So he went to my toy drawer and decided for me.

The toy he picked is scary. It has little latex barbs all over it. If the toy were half an inch thinner, it would be wonderful. But it's so thick it usually ends up hurting, especially without some lube. I mention this to him with a little tremor in my voice. He raises an eyebrow and glances down between my legs.

"Slut, I've never seen you or any other girl as wet as you are now. If it hurts, I will go slow. But I don't think it'll hurt."

Damn it, he was right. He fed me his cock and bent over to slide the toy inside. He often teases me with the tip, but not this time. He shoved it all the way inside, deep and hard, and groaned as my muffled moans reached his ears.

He turned it slowly, just teasing me and letting the barbs scrape inside me so I could concentrate on deep throating him. As he got harder and thicker in my mouth, getting closer to giving me his cum, he started to pound the toy inside me. And when we were done and even more exhausted than before, we lay in each other's arms again, marveling at the wonder of those orgasms and at the wonder of simply being together again.

When we woke he blindfolded me, gave me another toy, and put on some porn. He wanted me to listen to the people. He told me to describe how hearing their bodies slapping together made my pussy clench. He watched me fuck myself with the toy without me knowing. I thought he was sitting behind me watching the TV but he was beside me so he could do both. After the third time I had cum on the toy, he came across my chest which surprised and delighted me.

The next two days there was no sex at all, but somehow it didn't seem strange. It wasn't planned that way, really. It just happened. We woke up early and drove a long way just to get breakfast. When I say early, I mean before 4am. We went out to the lake and watched the fog on the water. Eventually, we watched the sunrise, and it was beautiful.

I think we slept most of that day. But we slept curled up together on the couch. The next morning we woke up early again, just so we could watch V for Vendetta. I had never seen it but had wanted to. Unfortunately I had been awake hours before he had and took an alergy pill that I knew would put me to sleep. As I was coming out of the bathroom, walking quietly so I didn't disturb him, he says "You don't have to sneak around, pet. I'm awake." So about half way through the movie the pill hits me and I'm struggling not to drift off. But it was such an incredible movie, I managed.

This weekend he helped me look for jobs, helped me with some housework, held me while I slept.... This weekend we talked about long-term relationships and made plans to go see his mum at the end of October. This weekend, we tried to pack in as much as we could, because we won't be seeing much of each other next month.

It is my birthday in about two weeks and we will spend a couple of days together then. But then, a friend is coming from England. We have talked about it and right now, it would be a bad idea for her to meet Richard, so I won't see him or even talk to him much while she is here. And after that, we drive up to see his mum. Four days together in a month. And two of those with other people.

It isn't much. But they will be good four days. We will survive.

On fat

2009-09-23T10:00:00.006-05:00

I came across a blog today that I hadn't seen before. And it gave me the courage and motivation to write about something that I had held back about before.

I hate my body. I always have. Richard once asked me to tell him something I loved about it and I answered that I loved my lips. He told me he knew for a fact that I had beautiful hair and gorgeous eyes. This was before we met. And I agreed, but they still give me problems. He asked for something that I loved that was more... flesh based, shall we say. There was nothing. I literally thought of every part of my body, down to my toe nails, and there was nothing that I liked.

Now then, I need to qualify that statement with a few others. First and foremost, while this is a body image issue, it is NOT a case of a size 2 woman thinking she's fat. This is a case of a overweight woman knowing she's overweight and hating it. Second, while there may not be many things that I love about myself, there also aren't many things I would change. If I had a magic wand, I would get rid of the extra pounds and keep the rest. I may have stupid square-shaped fingernails, but they're mine and I wouldn't change them. Finally and most importantly, even though I hate my body, I do not hate myself.

In this post Firefey mentions different things that people think will happen when they are thin. I can't remember at time when I've ever done that. Forgive my arrogance, but I think I'm pretty awesome just the way I am. Personality-wise, at least. Instead, I think "If I were thin, I would be able to go to six flags again and ride all the roller coasters without being uncomfortable."

I am happy and content with my life and who I am right now. But I don't think anyone should ever be completely content. Part of what I love about my submission is the self-exploration that comes with it. I want to grow. Not in to a different person, but in to a more complete version of myself.

So I alternate between self-acceptance and self-betterment. I accept my body and my weight. I hate it, but I accept it. I walk around naked and I don't despair every time I see part of my body that is more than a little pudgy. But at the same time, if I don't like it, why shouldn't I try to change? I will never be a size 2, nor would I want to! My goals aren't sizes or even weights. In fact, what I consider my ideal weight would still be overweight by BMI standards. I just want to like the way I look.

I'm sure there are some people out there thinking that I could never be satisfied with the way I look. And they could be right. But I remember a time when I did. A little over a decade ago, I had a wreck that led to surgery, which led to an inability to be as active as I had previously been. But before that wreck, I enjoyed parts of my body.

I was still overweight. My calves were still round instead of lithe and my stomach still pooched. But round or not, my calves and thighs were muscular and tight. My arms were firm and my face was thinner and cute.

I still will not be able to be as active as I was back then, but there's no reason that I can't get parts of my body back to a place where I am satisfied. I will always have image issues. I always have and I always will. But my image issues have never stopped me from doing the things that I wanted to do or being the person I wanted to be.

There is one other thing to say on this matter. The dichotomy of of self-acceptance and self-betterment is exacerbated by Richard. This isn't a complaint about him, but merely a fact. He loves and accepts me for me. But he also wants me to lose weight. He also wants him to lose weight. He says it is because he wants us both to be healthy and I believe him. But every time he says it, I search his eyes and his tone, looking for any little bit of dissatisfaction.

We haven't talked about my body since we met. He has seen every inch of me, so there is no hiding. When we were trying to figure out where we stood with each other, obviously I was wondering if it was an issue. After the first time we had sex and I knew for a fact that he had seen everything I wanted to hide, I kept waiting for something to be said. I kept wondering if it was an issue, like I always worried that it would be.

The morning after, during breakfast, we were talking briefly again about if the relationship would continue and he said "From everything I've seen, there's no reason why it wouldn't." Right then, I put my concerns and worries out of my head.

There is still a possibility that there are parts of my body that he hates and wants to go nowhere near. There is still a possibility that he is disgusted by parts of me. I don't have the courage to ask because I'm afraid of the answer. He and I promised each other honesty and we have always given it, even when it was hard for one or both of us to hear. He would not lie now.

But if there are things that disgust him, he has decided that they don't matter. He still wants to be with me. And in the end, that's all that matters. Later, he asked me if my self-image concerns had been put to rest now that we had actually met. I believe my reply was "Oh god no!! Not even a little bit! But... the other morning you told me there was no reason not to be with me. So I figure that they don't matter."

Another time I will write more about image in general. But for now, I needed the cathartic experience of writing about my own body.

On Commitment

2009-09-23T05:56:00.003-05:00

If I had remembered what my last post had been about, I would've written much sooner. It's funny how quickly things change and how easy it is to forget moments of bad mood or sadness.

For this news to make sense, I should probably give just a little background. Because our relationship was strictly online for so long, the commitment level was... well, fairly minimal. We knew we liked each other and knew that this relationship could work in real life, but we also knew that it might not. I was his, but at the same time I wasn't. I had no collar, either real or metaphorical, but I knew I had a place by his side.

Over the course of time, I started wearing a little chain around my wrist. This was practical rather than ornamental or symbolic. Sometimes during play we would use it as a nipple chain and it was easier if I knew where it was at all times. I never considered it a collar, but it was a nice reminder of him and the fun we had together.

A couple days after we first met, we were having the relationship discussion that I mentioned a few posts ago. We gave this relationship a "just dating" status, but that didn't seem right to me. I told him that it felt like he was pushing me away, even just a little, but that I was afraid I would pull away more on my own.

This topic stayed on my mind. I didn't want to put my relationship defenses up around him, partly because his were up. And if his were up, I didn't think he could tear mine down like he always did before. The more my defenses went up, the more I thought until finally I realised that I could either pull away from him or I could tear them down myself. I have given him the ability to hurt me physically and mentally, so why shouldn't he have access to my emotions as well.

That night I told him I had been thinking and that I decided that he was still the exact same person I knew online. And I loved that person. I don't know everything about him and I can't say that we'd be together forever. But I don't want to pull away. I want to give us a chance. I also told him that I didn't expect him to feel the same thing right now, but he knew where I was when or if he ever did. He smiled, hugged me close, and we dropped the subject.

All this was at the back of my annoyance the other day. I knew that he was still viewing our relationship as far more casual than I wanted it to be. And while I understood why, it still hurt. I started thinking that it would be much easier if I could view it the way he did, or even just as sex with no relationship.

But I mentioned all this to him and by the time I went to pick him up, I was only a little apprehensive and a tad frustrated. It didn't help that I had started my drive at 2:30 am and that I was going to see a man who had had a few too many energy drinks that night. I lovingly told him that I might have to kill him before the night was out if he didn't calm the fuck down. hehe

When I picked him up, we went to breakfast. As soon as I stopped the car he was teasing me. He told me he loved the look on my face every time he twisted my nipples. But eventually hunger won out over teasing and we got out of the car.

He looked so happy when he gave me a hug, and of course the energy drinks were still making him pretty bouncy. But I commented on his smile and happiness and he said "Well of course I'm happy! The girl I love just drove two hours to see me and we're about to eat the best breakfast ever!"

The girl he loved..... There had been an unspoken agreement that that wouldn't be said until we were sure. I had said it when I was, did that mean that now he was? Or was it the energy drinks?! We kept walking slowly to the restaurant with all this running through my head. I said nothing.

"I hope you heard that."

He meant it. Holy shit.... Wait a minute, what changed in the last couple of days? He didn't feel that way when he was trying to decide whether he should come this week. So what happened?! "I heard it."

I couldn't respond to it though. I didn't know if I trusted it. We ate breakfast and laughed and made fun of the terrible music. He drew a ketchup heart on his hashbrowns and I called him a loser, teasingly of course.

And then finally I had to ask. Something had changed, and if I were going to believe him, I needed to know what. He told me that, for one thing, he had had the "what if" question about his ex. What if she came back in to his life. Now he knew. He knew that even when she was begging, he didn't want her back.

He told me I was sweet and giving and laughed at me when I blushed. He ran his fingers around my bracelet and said that it had history. Whether it was supposed to or not, it symbolised something special. And he said he didn't know where the relationship was going to take us either, but he was ok with going along for the ride.

I was ecstatically happy, but I tried not to show it as I always do in those moments. He looked at me after a few moments of silence and said "And you're trying not to break into this huge smile, aren't you?" I laughed, told him to shut up, and let the smile out.

When we got back to the car, his kisses were different. The first time we met, they had been little kisses. Sweet, but lacking the passion I had expected. Now the passion was there. Everything I expected and more. They were the best kisses I have ever had.

Those kisses led further. I've noticed that I never hesitate when I'm with him. With anyone else, I would worry (even for just a moment) that someone will see when we're in public. In private, my self-consciousness will get the better of me and I'll be nervous. With him, I just act.

Soon he had me bent backwards against my car, shirt and bra off, while he sucked and bit at my nipples. *shivers* He made me come just like that, and then we got in to the car. There were a couple of trucks around, parked while their drivers were sleeping... I can't help but wonder if we gave any of them a show.

I hesitated before starting the car. Ok, I had come, but... he was still hard! He wasn't asking for anything, but I wanted to give it. My mouth had missed him. He noticed my hesitation and smirked. "Does my whore want something else?"

We put the seat back and I started to lick and suck. The angle was terrible and by the end my jaw was aching. But I kept licking even as I swallowed his come. He stayed hard. God, I love that he can do that. "Do you want another?"

I thought about it for just a second.... I could barely open my jaw. But I wanted more. The second time like that never takes long, and it delights me that he loves my mouth... my body.... that much. So I nodded and slid him deep inside my throat again. Mmm... is there anything better than your man's moans?

A few minutes later I sat up, grinning from ear to ear. He laughed at me, and then we both laughed at how steamed up the car had gotten. hehe And thus began one of the most perfect, sex-filled, happy days I have ever had. It began with commitment, laughter, and sex.

On love vs. sex

2009-09-14T18:56:00.003-05:00

I'm starting to think it would be easier to have a Dom that wasn't also a boyfriend. Not that Richard is actually my boyfriend at this point... but that's beside the point. At this particular second, I think I'm just feeling like I need a break from relationship-y things, but I still want sex and submission in my life.

Last Saturday, Master and I tried to decide when we would see each other again. I offered to come pick him up on Tuesday night after work (early Wednesday morning, technically) and drive us back here. It would amount to 10 hours of driving in less than 36 hours by the time I got him back home, but it would mean more privacy and a more relaxed atmosphere.

Since then, I've been making sure the house is clean, buying nice food for us, making sure my nails are done and my eyebrows are plucked... all the things a girl does to get ready for her guy.

Today he calls with two pieces of news. First, his most recent ex has gotten back in touch with him, still isn't over him after a year, wants him back, but claims to be happy that he is with someone. Second, he has double booked his Wednesday between me and another ex.

This other ex likes to tease him with sex that she will probably never give him. He teases her back (although he would be happy to give it to her if the opportunity arose) so he counts it as mutual use rather than manipulation. The teasing would be harmless, except that he knows full well that she gets very jealous of anyone else around him. She doesn't want him, but she doesn't want anyone else to have him.

The plans with her are for Wednesday night. In theory, she will pick him up late and drive him back to her house where she and her boyfriend will get stoned. There are a few problems with this theory. A) The car is uninsured and she shouldn't be driving it. B) She's night blind and shouldn't be driving at all at night. C) Richard has no interest in getting stoned with them. D) Richard and her boyfriend had a bit of a falling out last time they were together.

Now then, I would like to say upfront that I think he's a fool for staying friends with her. She comes across as manipulative and petty and although I have never met her, the fact that all of Richard's friends hold that opinion of her does little to change my mind. Having said that, it is his choice to be friends with her, and I do my best to support that choice. If he wants to spend time with her, great.

But when it's a choice between plans with her that he admits are bad plans, and plans with me... *shrugs* I guess I'm a little offended that there is even a conflict.

If this were just sex, then of course friends win out. I have no issue with that. But because there's more to it than that, I'm feeling disappointed. I should also probably say at this point that he will almost certainly still come here. But that's kind of not the point. He's having to think about it.

If he wants to spend time with me, shouldn't that come first over everything else? Is that asking too much? It probably is, honestly.

It's more than I want to deal with right now though. I want a hurt ass, not hurt feelings. That doesn't mean that I don't want the relationship too... I think sex is always better with someone you love. But right now, just for a little while, I don't want to deal with the minor disappointments that relationships always bring. Sure, the good things almost always outweigh the bad. But just for a couple of weeks, can't I just have the good without the bad?

Part two

2009-09-07T10:44:00.002-05:00

The next day I calmed down, got some sleep, and talked to some friends who, of course, all wanted to know how the meeting went. And as I'm writing about all the wonderful things that happened, the tiny minor negative just didn't matter. I was happy and I knew it.

Imagine my surprise when a couple hours later I get a call from Richard. "Hey, plans have changed.... any chance you can come back?"

I thought about it, fighting the urge to run straight out of the door. Another night with him in more private surroundings would be perfect. But was one night worth another tank of gas? In the end, we expanded these plans somewhat. I would drive over there for Monday night, then on Tuesday night after he worked he could come back with me and stay for a couple of days. I've worked hard on my new house and I really wanted to show it off.

I'm afraid I can't go in to the same level of detail about those days as I did with the last post. But so much happened and I'm not even sure I can remember it all.

There were bad moments where we tried to define our relationship and realised that we were both pushing each other away. We have always said "I love you." But we still haven't said it when we're face to face. We're both hesitant and want to take things slow. This is made more difficult by the fact that he keeps introducing me to friends and family who all make the assumption that I'm his girlfriend. I'm not. At the moment, we're just trying each other on for size and having a great time doing it.

At the same time, I love the fact that he's introducing me to people. We may be doing our best to put up armor around our hearts and take things slow, but that doesn't stop him from showing me his life and trying to make me part of that life.

There were good moments where he tested my pain threshold and put beautiful thin stripes across my ass. I've always said I don't get off on pain, but maybe I should say I don't get off on extreme pain. It would be pretty hard to deny the way my body reacted.

I can't say that the whole session was good, because I did push myself too far. We were in a strange place personally right then, so it was probably a bad time to be trying something like that in retrospect. I could only focus on my own body rather than focusing on him. It was still pleasurable, but when the pain got too much for my body, my mind didn't have anywhere else to go. And I didn't stop him for awhile. I think he was testing my ability to use our safeword as much as my pain levels. We also got interrupted, so it could've been a better session.

But our first experience with breath control was incredible. I was shaking from the second his hand went to my throat. In fact, just last night I woke up from a dream... I was in bed alone at the time, but I still woke up mid-orgasm just because I had been dreaming about his hand around my neck. God, I'd never have anything like that happen to me.

There were also good moments in my house where he suggested we go buy some oreos and milk and curl up on the couch to watch all the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. *grins* We ended up watching some anime instead, but that's not the point. I love that we have that aspect of the relationship as well. It's wonderful to feel owned and it is wonderful to feel loved. To feel both is just.... indescribable.

On bliss

2009-09-03T21:18:00.002-05:00

Well, it finally happened. Richard and I finally met. *grins*

This may have been the most confusing week of my life! Two weeks ago, I moved to my new home. Over the next few days I tried to set it up, throw boxes away, learn my new town, etc... My new house has really terrible phone reception, so it was difficult to speak to Richard, but I was making it work. He told me about a house warming party that one of his friends was having and told me I was invited. I had chatted with this friend on occasion and really got along with her. So we decided that we would take that occasion to meet for the first time.

I'm still not quite sure what happened but on Saturday, a week before the party, I got a message from him saying "want to do lunch?" I was a little surprised, a lot nervous, and even more excited. I told him of course and then panicked when I got his next message.

"Be here by 12:30"

It was already after 10 and it takes a little over two hours to drive to his town. I double checked the time and the route and found that that gave me 9 minutes before I had to leave. 9 minutes to prepare myself, mentally and physically, to meet my Dom for the first time. 9 minutes! And I hadn't even had a shower yet.

Long story short, I didn't make it by 12:30, but only because my car was having brake trouble again and because I took a wrong turn once. But it was close. And my explanations were satisfactory.

On the way there I kept thinking of things I wish I had had time to do. There was no time for make up, no time for last-minute shaves or eyebrow plucking. Only time for a quick hair wash and tooth brush, really.

And in retrospect, it was perfect. There was no point in worrying anymore. I knew I looked as good as I could given time and circumstances, and there was nothing more I could do. I had stuck to his instructions, and I figured that was more important than putting on a little lipstick. It also meant that I knew there was room for improvement. If he was unhappy, I wouldn't be as hurt because I had intended to spend a little more time on myself than I had.

I don't think I paid attention to the cars around me for more than ten seconds on the entire drive. My mind was reeling. Suddenly, I was pulling on to his road. And as I looked for the numbers on the houses, I spied him waiting outside for me.

Richard. My love. My Master. In the flesh.

It was very surreal.

It got more surreal when he opened the car door, got in and said "So, what do you want for lunch? There's a really nice Chinese place right up the road." *chuckles* That shouldn't be funny, really, but I never thought those would be the first words out of his mouth.

I just realised how long this post is already, so I think my week is going to have to be in three parts. Sorry, I hate to tease, but I've got to break it all up somehow! *grins*

So he takes me to lunch at this really amazing restaurant. And I'm not sure if it was the company or the food, but I think it was the best Chinese food I've ever had. We both blushed a little when the fortune cookies came and his fortune said "You are about to being a new and wonderful relationship."

He took me downtown around all the wonderful old shops. He bought me a little present and made me laugh and smile for hours. As we wandered, we got even more comfortable with each other. We held hands, kissed just a little, and of course he pulled my hair. *shivers*

I don't know what it is about hair pulling. My scalp isn't very sensitive at all, so he can pull as hard as he wants and it won't bother me. It's... it's the perfect dominant act, for me. It centers me immediately. He can control my head and therefore my entire body. Plus it makes me completely weak in the knees.

After doing that bit of shopping, we went to the park. A very nice park with a wonderful, discrete, tree-surrounded two-mile path around it. Since there will be more details on more happenings later, I'll just sum up that experience by saying that by the time we had finished that walk, his balls were empty and my nipples were throbbing. *grins*

On the way back, he pulled my hair again. He held it tight, right by the scalp, and led me. I closed my eyes and just walked, trusting him completely. It was a rocky path full of holes and I wasn't exactly in walking shoes, but I never stumbled and I never wanted to look and see where we were going. For five minutes or so, I just followed happily.

We had some ice cream and then we went somewhere else, but we didn't stay long. In fact, we never actually got there. I pulled in to the parking garage and as we were getting out, he stroked a finger down my cheek and over my lips. I, being the tease that I am of course, couldn't resist licking the tip of his finger.

I watched with glee as his eyes got darker. I could hear his breath catch and his voice get a little deeper. "Is my little slut hungry again?"

I wondered silently what the point of panties was, seeing as mine were completely soaked through already, but I just nodded slowly. "Don't tempt me..."

He had already opened his door, but he shut it again. "Actually......."

I know it's cliche, but I couldn't help licking my lips as he glanced around to see if anyone was watching.

Several minutes later we got out of the car, him with wobbly legs and me grinning from ear to ear. He kept laughing and telling me I looked so proud. And I was. I had pleased my Master. And I had gotten something wonderful in return.

A little later I met some of his friends, who are truly the kindest and most giving people I've ever met. Ever. I had been planning on going back home early that evening, but events transpired that meant I didn't have to. Instead we went to a movie with his friends and hung out chatting until Richard was falling asleep.

He had to go to work in a couple hours and I was going to drive him, so his friend shooed us downstairs to a spare bedroom to get some sleep. I fully realise that I had only met this man about 12 hours ago, but none of this seemed wrong or uncomfortable or even a tad awkward. It felt good and completely natural.

We lay down on the bed, fully clothed. He wrapped his arms around me, pulled me close and fell asleep. I was too happy to sleep yet, so I just relaxed in his arms and smiled every time he breathed against my neck. At one point he woke up just a little, pulled me even tighter and said "Mine!" *grins* He doesn't remember doing it, but I don't think I'll ever forget.

A couple hours later, we woke up and tried to get ready to leave. He kept saying "ok, let's go!" but his hands never stopped teasing my body, his penis never got any softer, and he never made any move to leave. He was an hour late.

Again, I had planned to drive home once I dropped him off... but I didn't want to leave. Two hours of being in his arms just wasn't enough. Plus I was pretty tired and I wasn't sure driving was the greatest idea. So I went to a hotel that was close to his work and grabbed a room for the night. He reminded me gently that, hotel or no, privacy or no, there would be no penetration since neither of us had condoms. I mean, I had plenty back home... but since this was only supposed to be a short trip, I never dreamed that there would be a chance to use them.

Of course I got the hotel anyway. And a couple of hours later, I went back to his work to pick him up. I think that is part of what made this week so long: adjusting to his sleeping schedule. I don't think I slept more than two hours at a time and had to be very very awake in between sleeps. It is pretty awkward when you're not used to that.

We were both starving and he wanted to take me to breakfast (it was about 4am at this point) but he saw how hard I was trying just to keep the car going in a straight line, so he figured we could wait a few hours. hehe

There was a little teasing and a few spanks before we slept, but we were both too tired for much. Again, sleeping with him was exquisite. And when I woke, I in turn woke him the sweetest way I knew how. When he was awake and I had finished he raised the covers, looked down at me between his legs, and said "If my slut has finished her breakfast, perhaps she'd like to get up so her Master can take her to IHoP." I grinned and started to get dressed. Of course I couldn't resist teasing him a little more before we left and I got a few more delicious spanks as "punishment." hehe

The rest of the day was spent with friends or browsing book stores. Quite a few hours were spent at his comic book store and by the time we left, he was pretty sure he'd never see me again. *chuckles*

The shop was busier than I expected it to be, but most people seemed to know each other at least to some degree. There were two guys who kept a long-running, very detailed discussion going with Richard for a loooooong time. He had never met them before, but they obviously liked him. They were even bigger geeks than he is (I use "geek" with love and affection, never to insult) and they kept saying "Man, he reminds me of us when we were younger!" Every time, he looked over at me with slight panic in his eyes. *chuckles* In the hours we spent there, I am sad to report that no other female walked through the doors, which might explain why Richard automatically commanded so much respect. hehe

There was only one damper on this day, and in all honesty and shouldn't have been a damper. Earlier Sunday afternoon, he had gotten a text from one of his playmates that he had told me about awhile ago. She's a nice, fun girl and I know he enjoys her very much. He told her that his phone battery was dying (it really was) and he would talk to her once it was charged later. Our day continued. I wouldn't have minded, except that right as we were getting back in the car for me to take him back home and leave, she text again asking if it was charged yet.

Now, maybe I should explain that we had just had dinner and for the first time all weekend, the conversation had turned a little more serious. It was still comfortable, but there wasn't much laughter. I think I should also take in to account that I had had very little sleep and that I didn't really want to make the drive that was ahead of me. But now that my excuses are made, I'm ashamed to say that I was suddenly very jealous.

We both have other partners and neither of us have ever really minded. It's a part of our relationship that we both enjoy. Even in a moment of vulnerability, I didn't really want to change that. But I didn't want him to leave me and go straight to her, even if it was only on the phone. I didn't want his happiness to come, in any form, from someone other than me since I was here to give it to him. I think I said something like "Well, I'll have you home in ten minutes. I'll even speed if you want. Think she can wait?" *blushes* He ignored it.

I dropped him at his front door, we said goodbye and promised to see each other again next Saturday and I drove home, fighting tears and a bad mood all the way.

Part two tomorrow. *smiles*

On new beginnings

2009-07-22T11:42:00.005-05:00

A fresh look to go with a fresh start to a relationship. *smiles* It was about time for a change anyway. After all, almost everything else in my life has changed, why should my blog stay the same?

The fresh start to my relationship comes from me, not from Richard. I think I've been waiting for things to be over rather than for things to really begin. *shrugs* What can I say? With relationships I'm a pessimist.

But I don't want to be, and that's why I've decided to make a change. Since we still haven't met, we might not get along when we do. I know I keep saying that, but it's just realistic. Having said that, I'm sick of essentially living like this is only temporary. I don't want it to be, so why am I acting like I do?

The other night he wanted us to create a fantasy around our first meeting. A day in the park, walking down some quiet path, maybe ducking into the bushes for a little personal time... possibly someone catching us and watching, maybe even joining in. It certainly wasn't a new topic for us. But I froze up. I couldn't even describe what I would be wearing, never mind what I would be doing.

I froze because I didn't want to fantasize about something that might not happen. I didn't want to tell him I'd be wearing my nice sundress because it might not look good or it might be too cold that day. Stupid, I know. Really really silly. But I didn't want to almost promise something that I couldn't deliver.

He said it was like dragging a cardboard cut-out around the park. I could only agree and apologize. I didn't know how to explain to him what was happening in my head. Then we got interrupted and I let it slip my mind.

Later I got a message from him saying that he felt like I was pulling away. He wanted to know if I was thinking about ending things. I assured him that I wasn't and then was able to explain that I was just scared. I told him that I didn't want him to be disappointed when we met and that part of me was certain that he would be.

When we finished that conversation, I thought everything was fixed and better. But I was still acting like I was waiting for him to leave. I'm done acting like that. It might happen and it might not, but I'm done waiting for it.

I will obey him without hesitation or question. I will treat him like an adult who is capable of making his own choices, living his own life, and still capable of and willing to look out for me. I will start behaving as I would if he were in the same room, rather than a few hundred miles away.

I love him. I am submissive to him. He is my Master. And it's time for me to act accordingly.

On protection

2009-07-17T01:38:00.003-05:00

I don't know if I'm really back yet or not. I suspect not. I'm still not settled at my final destination in this long, elaborate move and Richard and I still haven't had the chance to meet. For those reasons, I still think I'll struggle for things to write. But this one topic kept coming into my mind.

I know it's probably foolish to ask for opinions when I've been gone for so long and everyone who used to read this has probably moved on, but I'm going to give it a shot. I really would love to know what other Doms and subs think about this issue.

I keep wondering if protection is essential to a D/s relationship. I know safety is, of course, but how many subs could really submit to someone they didn't feel could protect them? Doms, do you feel like that's an unnecessary part of your role?

The more I think about it, the more I realise I need it. Well, no. I don't need protection. But I need to feel protected for a relationship to last. And it doesn't even really have to be actual physical protection. But I need to feel like someone is standing up for me. Like there is someone to trust and lean on no matter what is happening. I suppose it's all part of having support.

I keep asking myself why this is so important. After all, I've always been a very independent woman. I've been the protector for as long as I can remember. Why do I feel like I need that protection now?

I can only come up with one answer: If I can't rely on the person I'm with, what's the point in being in the relationship?

It's true, I can protect myself. I don't need anyone else to give me strength and help me stand. But it's nice to have that extra strength. And if I'm being independent on this issue, why shouldn't I be independent entirely?

I could (and often have) done the independent thing in vanilla relationships. It certainly didn't work out that well. It would be suicide to try it in a D/s relationship. Is that just me? Or do other people feel like it's necessary as well?

On breaks

2009-05-29T02:48:00.004-05:00

I think I'm going to take a break from my blog for awhile. I haven't been writing much recently because I felt like I didn't have anything to write about. I was tired of my interactions with Richard only being over the phone because, now that our meeting was in sight, they felt less and less real. I wanted to wait until we had met, and then I could write to my hearts content.

Unfortunately, he is not going to get to make the trip overseas, so the meeting is now on hold indefinitely. I'm not coping with this as well as I thought I would.

In three weeks I am moving. So I think I am going to officially take a break here and try to get my life sorted out. Hopefully I will be back then, with renewed vigour and lots of musings and stories to tell.

Bye everyone

On decisions

2009-05-01T17:13:00.002-05:00

I would like to say that I hate having all the stress of an international move, the sadness of the end of a relationship, and the excitement of a potential new relationship on me all at once. But it would be a lie. I should be stressed. I should be crying. My brain should be spinning.

But no... I'm fine. That doesn't mean that there aren't bad nights or bad moments, but it does mean that in general, it's not getting me down. I thrive in tight spots. It's something I've always known about myself, and it sometimes makes me worry that I create tight spots for myself. That I make things more difficult than they need to be simply because I know I can handle it. I get bored and sluggish when things are going well.

But there are just so many decisions to make. Who will ship my things, what do I take, when do I start packing... When do I say goodbye to friends, do I take the train down (with three suitcases) to see them or do I beg for a ride... Will Richard actually be able to come to London, should I change hotels to try to save a little money, will a hotel with hardwood floors be ok if I plan to spend many many hours on my knees....

And then of course there are all the decisions to make after I move. Like where I live, primarily. Richard and I had discussed this issue a few times, but never this close to the move. We had always planned to spend a week together, see how we get along, and talk more about it after that. But now it's 7 weeks before he's supposed to be here and he doesn't even has his passport yet. I know he's trying hard, so I'm still hoping... but the reality is looking a little iffy.

Today I asked Richard about this again. Specifically, I asked if he doesn't get to come, what his thoughts were about where I would live. Ultimately it's my choice, not his, but I'd still like his thoughts and opinions. He told me to go where my heart desires.

The only problem is this: he knows my heart desires to be somewhere in the southwest and he's in the midwest. My wonderful insecure brain immediately started wondering if he was being practical and saying I should be where I'm happy (after all, he and I might meet and hate each other) or if he was starting to think that he didn't want anything more than an online relationship.

I tentatively tried to figure out which was the case and asked how he would feel if I ended up moving to his state. After all, it is conveniently about half way between my friends to the south, half of my family to the east, and the other half to the west. There are job opportunities and a low cost of living. There are practical reasons for me being there. The fact that he is there is a wonderful bonus but not the deciding factor. My heart wants to be in New Mexico... but maybe at this junction of my life my heart will have to wait a little longer.

He said wasn't up to him and that he didn't understand why I was even asking. He promised that he wouldn't be freaked out and think I was stalking him (unless I moved in to the house next door). Whenever we meet, we will see if our relationship has a future. If it doesn't, my home has nothing to do with him and I won't regret living there (his worry, not mine. I wouldn't do something I would regret for anyone, even him). If it does, we'll make things work where ever I live.

It doesn't really help me make this decision, but it does remove any restrictions. Or most restrictions. Now I just have to decide what to do with myself. *smiles*

On monotony... er, monogamy

2009-04-25T12:13:00.003-05:00

I was talking to Maria the other day about her new boyfriend. Man, when she falls she falls hard. *grins* But I'm ridiculously happy for her.

She was talking about places where their interests differ. I'm incredibly impressed with this man (who I got to meet for a day) for several reasons, but particularly because while he may not be especially kinky, he is very open to experimentation. It's the difference between willing and wanting, I think. But anyway, she said one of the few differences was that he would consider threesomes or swinging, and she has no interest at all in sharing. It surprised me a little because I know she's done it before, and she's not generally possessive or self-conscious.

But it got me thinking and I realised that I've really never been particularly monogamous. That said, I've never cheated on the man I was with. Well, unless you count what I'm doing at the moment, and I guess you have to. But anyway, I just always assumed that there will be more men in my life. I would much prefer my partner to be on board about it though.

But at the same time, polyamory is out too. At least in terms of two or more relationships on the go at once. Having one partner and other play partners is fine. But I can't imagine actually having a relationship with more than one person.

I have poly friends and I've known several people who incorporated another regular person in to their relationship and I just don't think I could handle it. For me, the only way it would work would be to have my Dom and I as the core couple, in love and full of trust, who just happen to have a few guest stars in their bed from time to time.

On low expectations

2009-04-19T18:59:00.003-05:00

Ok, it's probably a bad idea to have two posts on expectations in less than a month, but there's a reason for them both. I've been thinking about romance tonight and I remembered Richard asking me if I had low expectations of him. He has asked me that a few times in the year that we've known each other.

I didn't know how to answer him. Because I didn't feel like I did. At least, not specifically of him. I think I just have low expectations in general. Is that bad? I don't choose to have low expectations because I don't think he or anyone else can live up to high expectations. It's just that... if you have high expectations, you're guaranteed to be disappointed. If you have low expectations, you're pretty close to guaranteed to be impressed. I'd rather take the chance of living a life of happiness than take the chance of living a life of misery.

That still seems logical. But I wonder if we don't get what we ask for sometimes. I mean, how often do people always try to do romantic things when they don't have to? If you expect flowers and romance, surely you're more likely to get it than if you don't. Or maybe I'm wrong.

I'm not good with compliments and romance. I don't know what to do with it. So I certainly don't expect it. But when it comes in small doses, I don't stop smiling for a week. Tonight I asked myself what the most romantic thing in my life has been. I went through trips to Paris, flowers on special days, well-meaning presents that didn't quite work out as planned, and all the kisses I've ever been given. What was my verdict?

One afternoon I lay back on my couch and listened as Richard read me Transmetropolitan, a dark comic book featuring violence, corruption, addiction, and misery. The picture at the top is the main character. But I don't want my description to down-play the most romantic moment in my life.

He shared part of his life with me. Something he loved. It's kinda hard to "read" comic books when you can't see them, so I listened to him describing the pictures, doing the sound effects, and reading the lines. *smiles* It was just so wonderfully comfortable. And so incredibly sweet.

On solidarity

2009-04-18T17:13:00.002-05:00

It's strange... I've known for awhile that I've felt less playful. I haven't been interested in my usual playmates or in chatting with random people. I've just felt... well, quiet almost. Calm. But I've only realised recently that I'm doing it because he's gone.

It never feels like cheating when I'm talking to him often because I know he doesn't mind. Plus I get to share any interesting experience with him. I do it because I want to, but I get to share it with him and it makes it even better. But when he's not around, it just feels wrong.

I've noticed this with other couples too. When you're not around each other, sometimes people get a little more introverted. You know you can't really fix problems if there are any, so you try your best to keep things light and problem-free. At least until you get to be around each other again. *smiles*

I can't believe it's been seven weeks since we've really talked. But I'm just whinging now, so I'll stop.

2009-04-12T11:15:00.001-05:00

I miss you today.

I've never felt this completely and utterly drained. Didn't get much sleep with the alcohol and sleeping on the couch thing. Woke up with a little hangover, but not a bad one. Spent the morning with Maria and her boyfriend and then they left and I had a huge fight with Patrick. He left for work and I'm just... drained.

I remember reading something someone wrote about when she feels like this. She said sometimes she just goes and kneels by her man's side when he's working. She doesn't want the attention, she just wants to be close for a minute. And after awhile things are fine again.

That's all I want. I just want to curl up beside you for a few seconds. I don't want to talk about what's wrong because nothing really is. I just want to feel you beside me for a minute and know that deep down, the world is right.

On forever

2009-04-07T16:12:00.002-05:00

I got my first tattoo today. *grins* About ten years ago, I decided I wanted one on my foot, but I could never quite find a design that I loved. So I kept putting it off. I wanted to be sure.

Then a year ago I was watching an anime and I saw this design on a character. It was only on the screen for a split second, but I gasped and had to rewind and pause it to see it again. I had never seen anything so beautiful.

I spent the rest of the year finding the perfect way of drawing it and looking back again and again to be sure I still loved it. I debated the pros and cons of using someone else's design. I do like originality, after all. I explained to friends that while the design was from a show, it wasn't about the show. I didn't pick the design to commemorate my love for it, but if it must represent the show, let it represent anime on the whole. I've loved that for years now, and even if I don't still love it when I'm 60, it has been an important part of my life up to now.

When I was sure, I went to my artist and booked an appointment. He and I talked about ways to make the design my own. You can't tell from that picture, but there are actually three different colours of red. It gets darker toward the tips. And in the two weeks between consultation and appointment, I kept expecting to be worried. After all, this will be on me forever.

Forever is an idea that terrorfies me. In relationships, saying forever seems ideallistic and frankly stupid. The idea of commiting to something that has to last the rest of your life is a pretty scary idea.

Until now, nothing I've done is forever. I have piercings and stretched ears, but they would grow back if I didn't like them anymore. Marriage isn't forever. Jobs can change. Friends come and go. Honestly, I like that. No one knows what the future will bring, and it's comforting to know that I can change with it.

So, even though I had spend almost a year making sure I loved the design and a decade making sure I loved the location, I was still surprised that I didn't have second thoughts. Even the second before he started, I was thinking "Really? You're still ok with this? You're not going to panic?" But I didn't. I was relaxed and ready.

And now that it's done, I can't tell you how happy I am. 50 years from now, I may be unrecognisable as the woman I am today. My hair will be gray (hell, that'll probably be in about 5 years), my face will be wrinkled, and my body will be changed. I may be single or married. I may have kids or I may not. I might be a retired counsellor, or I might be a retired zoo keeper. But I'll still have this tattoo. It may be faded and warped over time, but it'll still be mine. And somehow, that doesn't worry me.

On expectations

2009-03-30T05:30:00.002-05:00

What does a Dom expect when he looks for a sub? The obvious answer is obedience. Different doms have different expectations and different desires, of course. But I've noticed something lately. Something that seems to tie so many subbies together.

They are often writers. They are descriptive and poetic and often flowery. And I say "they" for a reason, because I am not. I wouldn't begin to suggest that I'm the only one who isn't, but I would say that I'm the only one I've come across as far as I know.

Oddly enough, that was one of my Dom's expectations. It was never a requirement, but it was something he assumed came in the package. From what I've seen, I'd say it's a fair assumption. Too bad he got me. *smiles*

I'm creative and I can write. But I am not poetic and I'm not descriptive. Delores Claybourne is one of my favourite books because it's all dialogue. Read it some time; it's fantastic. That's how I'm most comfortable with writing. I know people. I know how they interact. I can write dialogue. But he wants description.

Once in an effort to pry description from me, he had me find two photographs that I loved and describe them in as much detail as possible. I did it and struggled. But the one thing I learned is that the more I looked at the photograph, the less I liked it. When I looked at the details, I started finding flaws. I learned that I prefer having a vague general impression of something rather than looking too closely. I'm sure that says a lot about me, but if vague impressions make me happy, so be it.

Really I'm just musing on the idea that there can be expectations you didn't really know about. He expected any subbie he eventually had to be sweet and flowery and bouncy because everyone he knew was. He wouldn't say that it was required in his woman anymore than you would say you require your significant other to have two eyes and ten fingers. You could probably live without it, but it's still what you expect.

Part of me feels bad for not having that in me. And I don't think he's ready to accept that I don't. He wants to help me grow in every way, and this one is top on the list. But I think we need to find the balance between growth and accepting me for who and what I am.

On trusting the government

2009-03-26T05:57:00.003-05:00

Awhile ago I wrote about a new law that had been passed that basically criminalized half of the BDSM community. This happened more because of broad wording than intent. Well... stated intent, anyway. When teams of people work on the exact wording of a law and choose to leave it broad and up for interpretation, it makes me nervous.

Well, they've done it again. Non-photograpic, pornographic images of children are now illegal. But there is no definition of what constitutes pornography in this case. They have not specifically said "a child engaged in a sex act" so is the fountain on the top of this post illegal?

It worries me enough that things that are drawn or written as fantasy and fiction are being censored. But to some degree I can understand why. I'm not sure I would support it, but I can understand it. But things that are harmless are now illegal, following the letter of the law. And it puts me in an awkward position because some things that I love could be considered illegal.

I've mentioned before that I'm a huge anime geek. Obviously a lot of shota and loli material would probably be illegal, but so could some fairly basic animes. One of my favourites features high school-aged children. Well actually, if we're being honest they're monsters in human form. There's nothing in there that I would consider pornographic. No sexual acts apart from a kiss has ever been shown. But it is still a sexually charged atmosphere and there are constant pantie shots. It's more humourous than sexual, really. But I guess if we follow the exact wording, it's illegal. And I just have to trust that the government won't target something that harmless.

I am absolutely a proponent of child protection. There isn't much that I feel more strongly about. But this trend of leaving so much open for interpretation concerns me. We shouln't have to trust our government to this degree. Even if the current plan it to target only the extremes, the groundwork is already there to target the minutia in the future. If a law was passed that made smoking anything illegal, would people be pacified if they said they were only targeting illicit drugs? I think not.

On daily lives

2009-03-25T19:08:00.002-05:00

Does daily life get in the way of a relationship, or deepen it? I'm not talking about the significant parts of daily life, but the random shit that we all do.

I hate the question "how was your day?" Because more often than not, nothing of note happened. And if it did, I'm likely to tell someone about it before they ask about my day. There is an episode of Futurama where the answer to that question was "Well, first I got up and I had a piece of toast. Then I brushed my teeth....." and so on. None of that matters! But if I'm asked, somehow I find myself talking about all that crap anyway. I blame my mother. *chuckles*

It occurred to me that Richard and I don't do that. He has never asked me how my day was, and I love him for it. It seems like if you don't ask the question, you can still talk about the minutia of your day if you want, but you don't feel like you're searching for something to say.

But actually, just last night I was thinking that there's a lot that he and I don't talk about. We might talk about how much he hates his sister-in-law or what commercials play on the radio at 4am, but somehow we skip over the bigger things. Sometimes I tell him when I have a new client, but I often forget to mention when I've stopped seeing them. Sometimes I don't mention when I go away for a weekend and he forgets to tell me that his dad has offered to pay for his trip over here.

I'm not sure if that's good or bad. *smiles* Anyway, last night I mentioned this phenomenon in my journal, which he isn't reading at the moment because he still doesn't have an internet connection. I talked to him today and an hour in to the conversation he says "I went to a wedding yesterday." I was a bit surprised because I had spoken to him two days ago and he hadn't mentioned any wedding.

I asked him about it, and it turned out that two of his best friends had gotten married... people that he talks about all the time. I remember when they got engaged, but there was never a mention of a wedding! I could only shake my head and laugh a little.

I just have to wonder if this is a result of only really seeing each other online and not being together in real life, or if this is something that would carry over if we were really together. I'm not sure it really matters, but it would be a little odd if we never talked about the big things if we were living together.

On censorship

2009-03-21T15:35:00.002-05:00

Recently my friend Maria reminded me that she wanted to meet Richard when he gets here. I had hoped all along that she would be able to, but I wasn't entirely sure how I was going to approach the idea. I knew it would come up eventually though. Fortunately, she insisted before I offered.

She has decided that for this one day, there will be no sight seeing. There will be eating, drinking, and chatting all day long. Part of me loves the idea and part of me is terrified. Honestly, I hate the sight seeing stuff. I hate London in the summer because it's just so full of tourism.

Actually, I'm lying... here's the real reason: I love the fact that my accent has changed (naturally, not faked) over the years. I don't immediately come across as American. I know and love London, and I am not, repeat NOT, a tourist there. When I'm on my own, I'm at home. I can blend in. When I'm with family or other American friends, I get lumped in with them. This seems like a small thing, but it's not to me. It may be silly, but it is a pet peeve.

So it will be nice to have a day where we don't have to do tourist things. Where he can get a tiny hint of what Britain is actually like. But there is plenty to be worried about.....

I'm pretty well aware that Richard and I only know each other in a very specific setting. We don't know what we're like at all times of the day in different situations, etc... We don't even know if we'll really get along if we're together. And now I'm asking my best friend (who is friends with my husband, doesn't want me to leave the country. is concerned for me, and will be looking for any little flaw) to spend the entire day with him. And him to spend the entire day with her. Drinking.

I've never seen him drunk. He doesn't drink that often, really. This combination just seems disastrous to me. I know for a fact that she and I can spend wonderful summer days doing nothing but sitting in the sun, talking and drinking because we've done it on numerous occasions. We know what to drink, when to take a break, and when to call it quits. On those days, neither of us have ever gotten stupidly drunk. We maintain a pleasant buzz. I know we can and will do that on this day. I don't know if he will.

If he doesn't, what will happen? What will he be like? Will it be a problem, or would it be fine? Will he hit on her? (He might) Would I mind? (I don't know... I think I would) Would she be upset? (Since she has a boyfriend now, she probably would be)

I mentioned this to him last time we talked. Some of it, anyway. It came up during an interesting but rather unsavory topic of conversation. I joked that while I didn't mind talking with him about this, I would prefer if this type of topic didn't come up with her. He took it as the joke it was, fortunately. But then I actually started thinking about the situation. I felt bad even making the joke, so I told him that I didn't want to imply that I didn't want him to be himself or censor him in any way... And he finished the sentence "But you're going to anyway" and laughed. I started to deny it, but I couldn't honestly do that so I just laughed and said "yeah!"

Even though the whole conversation was playful and happy, I still feel guilty over it. If I'm concerned about how the day will go and what sort of things he will say, does that mean I'm somehow ashamed of him?

I don't think that's the case. I think I'm just generally nervous because there are so many unknown factors on this day. But even so, what right do I have to try or even want to try to censor my Dom? Does this make me a bad subbie, or just human?

On actions vs. attitude

2009-03-15T03:31:00.003-05:00

What makes a Dom a Dom? For that matter, what makes a sub a sub? Should a person take those titles just because they act like one? Or is there something deeper there? Should a Dom or sub be called that if they're only sexually dominant or submissive? Or should it be true outside the bedroom too?

My friend Maria likes being tied up, she loves collars, she's tried pony play and she's slowly discovering that she gets shivers in her stomach around alpha male types. She certainly acts submissive in some ways. On paper she might even look more submissive than I am. But she's not a sub and she doesn't want to be. She likes the trappings, but doesn't want the title.

My friend George likes to think he's dominant because he likes the idea of a gang bang. He likes spankings and hair pulling and loves to hear a girl call herself a whore. But in that relationship I'm the dominant partner. Hell, if I'm honest I've been the dominant partner in most of my relationships. I certainly am in my marriage. Apart from Richard, everyone has either not been dominant enough to ask me to submit or not worth submitting to in the first place.

As for my Dom... he can seem pretty submissive at times. He'll do absolutely anything he can to make a friend smile, even if it means he doesn't have money to eat for the rest of the week. He likes to think that he's not a typical middle child, but he plays the peace-maker pretty well... sometimes. He told me once that his mum was surprised to learn that he was a Dom because she'd always thought he'd be a sub if he went one way or the other. (I have no idea how that conversation came up... not sure I want to know. hehe)

He certainly acts like a Dom, so he's got that covered. And I'll admit, at first I was a little concerned that he was just another person acting. I never felt like he was, but on paper it looked like he was. It was something I was wary of for a little while. But I never saw anything to be concerned about. After all, I can be dominant in some ways and submissive in others (even outside the bedroom). Why should I be concerned just because he's the same way?

I've come across lots of people who call themselves doms just because they like their sex rough. They have BDSM-associated fantasies like tying a girl up naked in the woods or writing "whore" across their body and think that that's all you need.

And who am I to say it isn't? I can't really know someone's inner thoughts and desires or what makes them who they are. (*thinks for a second* I'm a counsellor... should I be saying that? hehe)

I think anyone should be able to take a title or a role that they're comfortable with. But at the same time, could that be something that alters the way the vanilla world sees D/s relationships? And does that matter?

I keep thinking of religion as an example. I don't think a person is religious just because they go to church. Conversely I think you can hold your beliefs privately and not have to go somewhere just to be religious. So is a person a Dom just because someone calls them Master?

Feel free to comment... I'd love to know what other people think about this.

On sharing fantasies

2009-03-14T07:07:00.003-05:00

After reading one of my favourite blogs this morning, I started thinking about fantasies and how I share them with my Dom. I can't honestly say that I've never held back a fantasy... never wanted to hide it from him for just a little longer (knowing that I'd eventually give it up). But it was never because I was ashamed of them. It was more because I knew they wouldn't be to his taste, so I wanted to find the right time and the right way to mention them.

I usually write my fantasies. I'm more comfortable with typing than with speaking, especially when I want to choose my words carefully. He likes me to tell him, though. And not just read the ones I've written. If I've written a fantasy, he'll ask me to tell him a different one.

It's not something I'm very good at, and I know that's one thing he's like me to improve on. I do try. But I'm not very descriptive at the best of times, and during sex my mind is obviously elsewhere. I try for him, though, because I know it's what he wants.

Something just happened to make me understand him a little better though. Just for a bit of background information, Richard is a complete geek. A gamer in every sense of the word. And I love him for it. It's not my world, but it's a world I can appreciate and understand some, if not 100%.

He and I were going to watch a movie (The Gamers: Dorkness Rising) together a couple of months ago and got distracted. We've never come back to it. I probably should've waited for him, but seeing as he's not likely to have an internet connection for another month or so, I watched it today.

Suddenly I could see where so many of his traits came from. I could understand the need for description as well as where his gift for it comes from. It all made sense. I don't think it's something that will help us relate better because I had accepted those parts of him long ago. I didn't need to know where it came from. But I still like that I know.

On honesty

2009-03-09T17:09:00.003-05:00

There is a quote from A Knight's Tale that struck a chord with me the moment I heard it. "Yes I lied! I'm a writer. I give the truth scope." I'm not a writer, unfortunately, so I can't quite get away with that. But I loved the idea of just... fleshing out the truth a little. Creatively.

I have never considered myself a dishonest person, but I know I can be creative when it serves my purposes. I should stress that I'm not talking about in real life. With friends, family, and people I care about, I am truthful. But in a chat room online, sometimes you just feel like playing a role.

When I first met the man who would become my Master, one of the first things he said to me was that he required honesty in everything I said. I remember raising an eyebrow and wondering who this arrogant person thought he was.... but I decided to give it a try. What harm could it do? It has been a hard lesson at times, but a good one.

Recently though, it seems like every relationship that ends around me could've been solved or helped with just a little honesty. All around me are unhappy people who could be happier if they just talked to their partner or their friends and just say how they feel. I'm not saying it's easy. It's not. But god, it's so freeing! Usually, anyway. Last night I discovered how hard it can be to be honest just by staying quiet.

Last night I was in a horrible mood. I had been crying most of the night for various reasons. I had finally gotten it under control and was watching Almost Famous when my husband got home from work. I wanted to share the movie with him. Or part of it anyway. But he wouldn't have liked it. Instead I talked to him about music for a little while, but it obviously wasn't something he was interested in.

I can talk about music and movies for hours. Hell, weeks. But he grew up in a practically media-free household and doesn't have the same knowledge or interest that I do. I always thought it was something he might develop if he had the exposure. Silly me.

Anyway, back to the point. I was obviously disappointed, but tried not to let it show. But as we were going to bed, he said "I'm sorry I'm not the man you want or need." My heart broke... but if I had told him that he was, I would've lied. This honesty thing becomes a habit. All I could do was tell him that I loved him.

On relationships

2009-03-06T16:23:00.004-06:00

As the official end of my marriage approaches, I can't help but think of all the things I could've done differently. Then I think of all the ways a relationship can break down.

The funny thing is, before I met my husband I had never had a relationship I was really comfortable in. I look back at my ex's and they all seemed to fall under the "good enough for now" heading. I don't regret any of them but I knew I wouldn't end up with any of them either.

I see a lot of relationships around me failing. And I've never seen a relationship that I wanted to emulate. My parents had a horrible relationship that ended when I was six. They both remarried a year later and my mom has been married ever since to a wonderful man. But a long relationship doesn't mean that it's the type of relationship I want.

I know that no one can guarantee that a relationship will be good and long or anything else. Life doesn't work like that. But I'm still looking for a guarantee, I think. I know the things that I do well in a relationship and I know the things I don't do so well.

I'm pretty good about relaxing and letting my man be himself, whoever that is. For instance, I'm not one of those women who makes their house all about them, paints their bedroom pink, and allocates their man one room (or maybe a shed in the garden) for the things he enjoys. But I'm so good at being relaxed and low-maintenance (in that situation, anyway) that I sometimes make my man feel like I don't need him.

At the end of one relationship and the potential beginning of another, I find myself trying to foresee and fix any problems in the future. Yes, I know this is completely stupid and pointless.

But part of me wonders if the D/s element to this relationship can help with some basic problems. After all, communication is key. So is honesty. You pay attention to little things about your partner, be it their mood or their comfort levels or whatever. Sure everyone makes mistakes, but these things are all crucial for a BDSM relationship.

I do think that communication and openness are two things that fail in a relationship and a big part of the reason they break down. So if he's a good Dom and I'm a good sub, maybe that won't be as much of a problem. It's not a guarantee. But maybe it's a ward against basic problems that so many people have. Or maybe I'll just have to keep my fingers crossed and take things as they come, just like everyone else. *smiles*

On perfection

2009-03-02T18:17:00.003-06:00

It's funny how a certain theme suddenly appears everywhere. In the last three days the idea of a perfect partner has come up in a lot of conversations.

I was in a favourite chat room on Saturday and after one man declared me his ideal woman for the third time (*rolls eyes*) I simply said that I didn't believe in perfect partners. Apparently I was the only one. The main person I was talking to said he was a great believer in true love, but I pointed out that I never said I didn't believe in true love. I just don't believe in perfect partners. Even if there are elements of your personality that mesh perfectly, real life will get in the way at some point. Even with true love, the hoovering still needs doing.

Then on Sunday I was talking to a friend (lets call him George) about a story I have been thinking about writing. It's about a girl and her dom, but it's not about me and mine. Not really. It's sort of a fantasy, but the woman in the story is less submissive but more extreme than I am. George knows R (I should really give my Dom a name rather than just an initial... Let's call him Richard from now on) and there is occasionally a little tension between them. I've mentioned George before as the playmate who can get really clingy.

Anyway, George asked if the dom in this story was Richard and I realised that he really really wasn't. Really nothing like him, in fact. I don't want to give anything away in case I decide to publish the story here, but no, they're not very much alike. I told George that maybe this guy was my ideal Dom. He's harsh and uncaring. And if I'm honest, I'm much more comfortable with just sex than when love is involved too. But ideal doesn't mean perfect. Sometimes what we want isn't what is best for us.

And then on Monday, I read Sarah's blog about a similar thing. And I completely agree. Knowing what your partner isn't 100% perfect doesn't ever mean you're settling or just accepting what you're given. And who wants perfection anyway? I don't want someone who is just like me or a relationship where there's never any conflict. Problems can teach you more about each other. And resolving those problems bring you closer together. I value the places where Richard and I are different as much as I value the places where we're alike.

On balance

2009-03-01T19:06:00.003-06:00

My Dom has a one word motto that he tries very hard to live by: Balance. For every bad, there is a good. I suppose that's why he doesn't worry about things that go wrong. He knows they'll eventually swing around for the better. I have to admit though, I expected to have to wait longer for things to swing back to good again.

If we felt disconnected a few days ago, it has certainly balanced out now. I have never felt more connected than we did yesterday. I let everything else in my head fall away, and it was just him and me.

It's so easy to worry about thin walls or that someone might just happen to knock on the door. Or worse still, that my husband's work schedule will change and he'll come home early. He certainly doesn't deserve a surprise like that. Yesterday it didn't really cross my mind.

His orders were obeyed without question or hesitation. At one point, R wanted me to fuck my throat with a toy and I did without thought. I didn't taste the plastic like I normally would. I didn't stop to think of how silly it must look. None of that mattered. It felt like he was fucking my throat (except that the toy is quite a bit smaller than he is) and I needed that. He wanted it to feel as real as possible for me. He was rather disappointed that the only toy I have with a suction cup is a small butt plug. Guess I know what my next toy purchase will be. *grins*

I won't go in to too many details, but I always marvel at the fact that I can be more satisfied from one orgasm with him than I am from 10 with a random playmate. I guess with Master, it goes beyond physical. It's a mindfuck as much as anything else.

On a more disappointing note, he is sans internet for a few weeks. I'll get to talk to him for maybe two hours a week over the phone, but that's not a lot. But while that's obviously disappointing, I actually feel pretty ok about it. Not that long ago, I would have been dreading all those days without even a hello. Now, I'm just looking forward to the next time we talk, even though that'll probably be a week or more away.

It's easy to say that now though. *chuckles* We'll see if I'm still saying that at the end of the week.

On being out of sync

2009-02-27T08:33:00.002-06:00

Last night, playtime with R just... didn't work. I mean, we both came and it was fine, but it felt like something was off.

This is another one of those times when I really hate that our relationship is only online (But I did just book the hotel for him to come over in a few months, so YAY!!). We both wanted to play, but I don't think either one of us really wanted to work at it. Physical work is fine, but I think we just wanted to switch off mentally and enjoy it. Doesn't really work that way when you're not physically together. *sighs*

We still haven't gotten back to having as much time together as we used to, so this was the first playtime we've had in several days. I think I was a little disappointed. When it was over, I didn't feel satisfied. I was physically sated, but we hadn't gotten that connection that we usually have, and I miss that just as much as the rest.

I didn't want to say anything, but my body seems to understand this whole honesty thing better than my brain does, so suddenly my mouth was opening and words were coming out. I asked if it was just me or if that felt really disconnected. In the split second before his answer came, I was so nervous. I hoped he wouldn't think I was criticizing or complaining and I really hoped he wouldn't be upset.

All he said was "Yep" but it was said in such a way that I knew he meant "Yeah, that wasn't the greatest, but it happens and it'll be better next time. No worries!" hehe I love how men can do that. Or maybe it's just that women read too much in to what they way. *grins*

On normality

2009-02-24T03:16:00.005-06:00

A few nights ago, my Dom and I were having a mini-tiff over "normal". I think it started with plastic surgery, as it usually does. He doesn't understand how I can understand body modification in the piercing/tattoos/implants sense but hate the idea of plastic surgery. Just to be clear, he's not saying either are a good thing, he's just challenging my beliefs.

The conversation itself doesn't matter, but the idea that everyone wants to be normal and accepted does matter. Obviously the definition of "normal" depends on your society and your friends and everything else, but maybe people just feel more understood if they are "normal".

The problem I have is this: I don't remember ever feeling like that. I'm not saying that I am entirely comfortable in my own skin because god knows I'm not. But I don't really worry that other people are judging me. When I'm uncomfortable, it's because I'm judging myself.

I've read so many blogs about people questioning why they like the things they do, and I've never experienced that. I remember when I was younger and I had the vague impression that masturbation was bad, since I grew up in a very religious home where sex was never discussed. But I never felt bad about anything I enjoyed. I didn't question it, I didn't wonder... I just enjoyed it.

I have questioned my desire to submit and why I have chosen to submit to this man when I've never met anyone else that I would have. But I've never thought anything was wrong with me for feeling the way I do. It almost makes me wonder if something is wrong with me for just accepting my interests when so many other people struggle for understanding.

I think the struggle can be a positive thing. It reaffirms what your interests truly are. Maybe I'm missing out.

On miscommunication

2009-02-19T20:10:00.002-06:00

God, sometimes I hate being online. I certainly hate having an online relationship at times. It's so easy to mis-read a tone of "voice" or for the webcam to freeze and miss a very important look. And I hate being and feeling responsible for those things, despite trying my hardest. It's really just technology that's working against me.

Today was just one of those days, I think. Miscommunications and frustrations everywhere. I failed to make a connection between two things he was showing me over his cam (mind you, he didn't tell me there was a connection or anything else, he just put things in front of the lens and I was supposed to read his mind) and he got frustrated with me. The odd thing was, this was the first time he had ever gotten frustrated when his cam was on, so it's the first time I saw his reaction. It threw me, if I'm honest. After all, I'd made a lot of connections already with no clues and I thought that was pretty impressive. Besides, the only reason I hadn't made this connection was because the cam didn't focus very well and I missed a tiny detail.

I asked him not to be frustrated (actually, I probably told him not to *blushes*) and that it wasn't my fault the cam wasn't very clear. We had been typing at that point, but that earned me a call. He wasn't too happy, to say the least. But I still thought I had a good point. I was doing my best with no help from him and technology was getting in our way. That wasn't my fault! And I certainly didn't deserve his frustration.

Anyway, it was dealt with and we moved on, but we didn't really. It still felt like there was a mood between us. It ended up being one of those days when we just called it quits, knowing that if we gave each other a little space things would be fine when we came back.

I'm not saying there won't be days like that when/if we're actually together. God knows there will probably be more of them. But I hate that this one was caused by such a stupid miscommunication. Well.... that and my smart mouth that doesn't like being wrong.

On last week

2009-02-18T04:27:00.003-06:00

I hadn't realised how long it had been since I've written here. It felt like I didn't really have much to say. All seems to be right in the world again. There were a couple of days last week where everyone I knew was depressed. Three of the four significant men in my life were completely down and they all wanted to cling to me, it seemed. I never used to mind that. I could let people cling, comfort them, cheer them up, and then move on when they were ok again. This time it really dragged at me. But now it's on an upswing again, so bonus! hehe

My Dom was the only man who seemed to be ok through all of this. He has had his bad moments, as we all do, but recently life is going well for him. And we've started making plans for him to come over here for a week. My marriage will be over in May (so anything I write will probably be pretty maudlin in the next few months) and he will probably be here at the end of June.

We had talked about it all along, assuming this relationship continued. We both want to take things slow. I'm not leaving my husband for him. My marriage was over a long time ago and has practically nothing to do with my Dom. I'm not going from one bed to another. So we wanted to have this meeting to figure out how well we really do get on in real life. And to give me an idea of where I'll be moving.

No matter what, I won't be moving in to his house or his town. But depending on how well things go, it might be the next town over or it might be the next state over. Or if we don't get along at all, it'll be New Mexico, where I always wanted to live. *chuckles*

But right now I'm not thinking that far ahead. Even his trip is too far ahead, really. But I'm so excited about it! Nervous too. He had this biorythmns application on his phone (for some reaon... god knows why) that he didn't particularly believe but thought it was interesting. I asked him to check what his day was supposed to be like on the day we're planning to meet. Apparently his emotional reading was VERY low. I got him to check mine since it works on your date of birth and apparently my emotional reading was practically as high as it can get.

So even though neither of us believe that it'll really tell us anything, I've now got it in my head that I'll be head over heels in love with him, and he'll be disappointed in me. Which, of course, was my worry all along. *chuckles* He calmly reminded me that he loves me and that we're both worried about our first meeting. We're both excited about it too though.

Those thoughts wouldn't get out of my head, so he decided to sing a song that I've been trying to keep out of my head for about a month now. Did any of you ever watch the elephant show on nikelodeon when you were a kid? Anyway, it's that song and it's horrible. But it worked as he intended. Every time I think about that biorythmn reading, the song comes along with it. *grins* It's a pretty decent deterrent.

On sexual labels

2009-02-12T05:54:00.004-06:00

This morning I read Meta's post on labeling sexuality and it reminded me of something that I had been wanting to write about for awhile. She is questioning desires and inclinations and trying to figure out what it means for her and for a potential future relationship. In some ways, I seem to be going through the exact opposite.

I have had sexual experiences with women before. In fact, depending on how you define virginity, you could say I lost my virginity to a woman. *thinks for a second and then blushes* Well, several women, actually. *giggles to myself* When I was 14 there was a very stoned sleepover orgy worthy of any school boy's fantasy. I have kissed women over the years as well, but I have never considered myself bi.

My Dom knows this and as always, he is keen to help me sort out my own desires and make sure that I understand myself. In this case we disagree because I feel like I understand myself perfectly well. I am more than happy to have sex with another woman, with or without my man. Preferably with. But it's not something I desire.

I can look at a woman and say she is beautiful, but I am not attracted to women. I have never looked at a woman and thought "holy god... all I want right now is to have her in my bed and my tongue up her pussy!" That may seem extreme, but I've certainly thought something along those lines about a man. I can be attracted to a woman's personality, but it's not that same gut wrenching lust that I feel with a man.

I get the feeling Master still wants me to say I'm bi. I've asked him why it matters what I label myself. I'm perfectly happy and open to both genders so it's not like it affects our repertoire of play. I'm comfortable with my label of "straight but adventurous" although I'd never heard "heteroflexible" until I read Meta's entry. I like it. *grins*

Just to give an example, the friend I mentioned yesterday is extremely open and will try anything. She will do things just to try them out and just to say she has. I have conflicted feelings about this, if I'm honest, but mostly I figure you can't really know what you like until you try. She is not in any way submissive but neither is she particularly dominant. It's all about the sex for her. It's not about love or a relationship or a deeper understanding... it's just about the experience.

I was fairly stunned to discover that she had tried pony play though. For my own personal interests, that goes beyond what I would be comfortable with. It has a deeper meaning and significance. For her, it's just a saddle on her back. It means nothing but it's interesting. I guess that's how I feel about playing with other women. I can love them very deeply as friends. But when it comes to sex, it's just sex. It's just a different sensation with no deeper meaning or significance.

On friends

2009-02-11T03:15:00.004-06:00

Wow... what a weekend...... I know it's Wednesday already, but I feel like I've been recovering.

One of my best friends came up to see me, braving ice and snow and her own horrific driving skills. Unfortunately I only get to see her a handful of times every year. She was here last summer, a couple of months after I became R's submissive. She had known for years about problems my husband and I have and she is easily the most sexually open person I know. I might count myself in close second, but she has to win. *chuckles*

At the time, Master had pushed for me to tell her about him but it wasn't an instruction. He knew even then how important she was to me and how important it is to have someone to talk to. I had said quite simply that I would think about it. Events conspired so that my husband would be out of town that weekend, leaving us with the house all to ourselves. I didn't tell her straight away... I think it took a whole 20 minutes before I could. lol

She took it all in stride and we talked a lot. In fact, we didn't really stop talking for three days. She even got to meet and talk to R. Well, as much as you can online, anyway. It was an incredible weekend. I could go on about it for pages, but I won't. Suffice it to say that I felt more whole than I had in years.

I knew this weekend just gone wouldn't be the same. My husband was home and mostly off work, for one thing. My relationship with my Dom has deepened and changed. It's not just fun kinky sex anymore (not that it was originally, but it was in her eyes). I love him. I have plans to meet him. When I move back to the states, I hope to move within a few hours of him if the initial meeting goes well. All of these things are up in the air and there are no real solid plans, but all of these are things I wanted to talk to her about.

As soon as I even started to mention one of them, I got a quick reminder that she was fine with this relationship as long as it's about sex. If it's about love, she doesn't want to know. And that really really hurt.

I can understand why though. She likes my husband, even though she makes him incredibly uncomfortable and he probably only said 10 words to her all weekend. She likes us together, if for no other reason than that we're friends. She doesn't want to see either of us hurt. And most importantly, she doesn't want me to move.

But still... it's just another little reminder that I can't be entirely myself with anyone. Not just yet. Maybe after things with my husband are sorted, she will be completely ok with all facets of my relationship with my Dom.

In the meantime, I'm really looking forward to tonight. My husband is away tonight and won't be back until very late tomorrow night. That means I can walk around naked, spread my toys out, stay up 'til all hours talking to Master, and just generally have a wonderful and relaxed time. Obviously, R and I have a lot of things we need to catch up on over the last few weeks. Girl-crazies, disobedience, my friend, some issues of his own that he brought up...... I fully expect some tears of sadness and pain to go right along side the laughter and orgasms. That's ok though. It's all part of the relationship.

Actually, I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high. Things always seem to backfire when I really really want it. *smiles*

On feminism

2009-02-08T03:46:00.003-06:00

I consider myself a feminist happily and openly. I'm not overly passionate about it (the term I would use in every day life is Feminazi) but I do believe that women are just as valuable as men and deserve equal opportunities. Emphasis on the "equal."

What anyone chooses to do with those equal opportunities should be entirely up to them. As a brief example, my sister is incredibly intelligent. She is very political, has learned to speak Arabic, French and Spanish in her spare time (not as a class) and dreamed of being an advisor for the white house at some point. There is a shocking lack of people in government who speak Arabic, considering the current state of the world. And I don't mean politicians, I mean advisors, translators, etc... I won't say that I always agree with her politics but I loved that she had a dream and the passion to make it work.

But now instead of going back to college to get her next degree and make a start on this dream, she has decided to have children and wait. I respect her choice because it is what she desperately wants. I admit that I feel a little apprehensive about a few things and mildly disappointed that someone of such intelligence and passion isn't going to follow through with her dreams... but she is, really. Just a different dream. Who knows, maybe she'll change the world through her children. To me, that's what feminism is all about. Choice.

I won't bother writing about how I reconcile feminism and submission. I have nothing to say on the subject that hasn't been said in a thousand other blogs. But the other day I came across a blog written by a feminist domme. Hardly shocking, really, except that she claimed to have dedicated her life to making sure that all men knew they were scum. To treating men like the worms they are and to forcing them to recognise the superiority of women in every aspect of life. Her words, obviously.

I was stunned. It occured to me that if I saw a dom's blog that said that all women everywhere should submit because they were the inferiour to men and that all women should recognise the superiority of a penis (no matter who the penis is attatched to) I would decide he was a horrible dom and run a mile!! Why should it be any different for a domme? Why should anyone have to build themselves up by tearing someone else down? That is, frankly, pretty childish behaviour.

Personally, I think making generalisations about any group of people based on a feature or two is incredibly wrong. I do not submit to my Master because he has a penis. I do not submit to all men because I have a vagina. I do not believe that I should submit or that I am not as good as a man and need protection. I submit because I choose to. I submit to my Master because I love and trust him and I believe he deserves my respect. My submission is a gift that is freely given and graciously accepted. Why should gender have anything to do with it?

On intentional disobedience

2009-02-04T18:39:00.003-06:00

Since my last post, I've only spoken to my Dom once. And it was a fairly tense conversation. I do so love those quirky irony gods. Whenever something is going well, you just know it'll bite you in the ass. Especially if you tell people how great it is.

I had planned to write about the tension... but I don't want to just yet because it hasn't been resolved. And the way things are going, I don't know when it will be resolved. I know the other day I mentioned that wonderful third option of letting the other person go and knowing things will be the same when they get back. Well, the irony gods decided to put that to the test and I more-or-less failed.

I struggle with some forms of submission but I don't usually struggle against submission itself. I do when I'm angry though. I lash out and generally act like a child. I tell him how I'm feeling, but all I can do is write it in my journals. If he's not around or chooses not to read them, there's nothing I can do about that. I feel impotent. So I lash out where I can. I go through my favourites folder deleting links he sent me. Or get rid of pictures that he sent that I didn't really like. Or skip over any music that reminds me of him. I try to erase part of his influence in my life. It's so stupid.

Today I did something a little worse. We're both huge anime fans and there are a couple of shows that we watch together. Two he has seen before and wanted to share with me and another we're both watching for the first time. This is a huge exercise in patience and submission for me, because the two that he has seen before, I have access to as well. I see the files every day and have to pass them by. It should be noted that this restriction doesn't stop him from watching the episodes before I see them... but *shrugs* He's the Dom.

Occasionally I mention that I'd really like to watch one. Sometimes we do, sometimes we don't. This is worse than orgasm denial for me, it really is. Today I watched one of them. The whole series. Now, it had been 5 months since we had watched this particular show, but that's no excuse. Only a couple of weeks ago during one of my "why can you watch it but I can't?!" sessions he asked me if I wanted to be released from my restrictions. I don't know if he would've given me that release if I asked for it, but the truth is I love watching it with him. So I said no.

And now I've gone and watched it anyway. More out of spite than actual desire to watch. *sighs* So now I know I need to tell him what I've done. But we still have this over-riding issue that needs to be dealt with. I hate this long distance thing.

On wonderful nights

2009-01-31T07:52:00.003-06:00

I had wondered how graphic I really wanted to be with this blog. But so far, I didn't feel I had that much to be graphic about. I can't write about physical sex because there is not physical sex in our relationship... not yet, anyway. The slow, sweet play time that we get, I'll keep to myself because that's just personal. I'll happily share the D/s side of things, but I'm not sure how graphic to get when it comes to the cross over to sex.

Last night was incredible! Once upon a time, we used to have huge play session that would last all day. I always measure the success of the day by how many times he cums, rather than how many times I do. Our record for one of these huge play sessions was 10, but it had been months since we'd had more than two. That sounds like a complaint but it's not... we just hadn't had as much time. Last night there were four though. *grins*

I don't even remember how the first one started, but I do remember it involved more toys than we'd used in awhile. Unfortunately it had been so long that the rechargable batteries had almost died. hehe

After that we calmed down, chatted, watched some videos, and then I mentioned a little party I had been invited to... the opening of a fetish club, which quickly brought on the second and third time. *giggles* As a side note, I was and am still debating whether or not to go, but Master has told me to go. I'll have to write about that debate later.

The fourth time was brought on by an oxygen deprived brain and a little misunderstanding. He wanted me to put in my ben wa balls and just relax with him. I somehow thought he wanted me to put in the new anal beads that I had bought but hadn't used. *grins wider* I love mistakes.

I ended up using those as well as the balls and walking/crawling around my house at his instruction, telling him exactly how it felt the whole time. *shivers* It was just... wow... hehe Don't know what else to say, honestly.

It was a really great night.

On being clingy

2009-01-29T20:21:00.004-06:00

I have mentioned before that my Dom and I have an open relationship. As part of this, I have a couple of regular friends/playmates. They both understand their place in my life as I understand mine in theirs. One of them, however, is becoming dissatisfied with his place in my life.

He (let's call him George) is a very clingy, needy person in general. And it does get old after awhile. When we met, he had a girlfriend so most of that was passed on to her. They've split up now, and no matter how many other playmates he has, I still seem to be the one he clings to. We are friends, and I don't want to lose that friendship. But I get stressed almost every time I talk to him lately.

Now I fully admit that I can have a tendency to cling a little too, especially when I'm feeling down. But I don't cling to everyone. Only the man I love. And this got me thinking about being clingy.

My other playmate, Louis, is a lovely man. He is married and has two young sons. Normally I would be unhappy playing with a family man because I would never want anything I do to come in the way of his family. But in his case, his wife knows he has online playmates and encourages it.

Louis seems incredibly content with his life. He tries new things, always has a new hobby, and generally projects an air of happiness. He is someone I would like to meet someday, preferably with my Dom. Not necessarily for a play session, but just to go to dinner with him. Also I've recently found out that he makes whips (although he's not in to the BDSM lifestyle and doesn't use them) and honestly, I would love to have one from him. I think that would be lovely.

Louis's attitude toward me is that I am someone he loves and very much enjoys our time together. I don't say "I love you" quite so easily (if ever) but he is very special to me. I usually only talk to him about once a week and sometimes much much less. This is never a problem for either of us. We see each other when we do, we never plan for the next meeting, and no matter what we're doing, we both know that promptly at 4:15 he will leave to spend time with his family. And that's as it should be.

Between Louis's happiness and comfort and my Master's love, I have found a comfort in my relationship that I have never had before. I don't need to cling. But I also don't need to be afraid to cling. One night many months ago, Master and I were having a moment of disagreement. I was feeling clingy and didn't understand why I hadn't talked to him for a couple of days. R said to me "I'm not worried if I don't talk to you. Of course I want to see you, but I can read your journals to make sure you're ok. If we don't talk, I'm not concerned because I know that we love each other and that you'll still be here tomorrow."

I was stunned for a little while because I realised for the first time that my choices weren't just clinging to someone or keeping them at a distance. There was a third, much more relaxed, option of being able to walk away and know that they will still be there when you get back. Seems simple. I guess it wasn't.

On bad relationships

2009-01-27T18:32:00.002-06:00

The other day I had a conversation with a friend about bad relationships. I was telling him about a submissive woman that I knew and I had concerns that her Master was not a very good dom. I've believed for a long time now that it is not necessarily an act that constitutes abuse; it is the intention and logic behind it. This is especially true in a BDSM relationship. What people in that relationship do is entirely consensual and as such, is not abusive. That does not mean that a dom can't be abusive though, because they can.

I have my own idea about what makes a good or bad dom. And my idea actually has nothing to do with my kinks and desires. It has to do with how he takes responsibility for himself and his sub. I think lots of subs and other Doms would agree with these things, because I have heard many people say similar things.

But who am I to pass judgement on another person's relationship? If one sub's opinion on what makes a bad dom is different to everyone else's, does that mean she's wrong? I don't really think it does.

I think most people involved in this sort of lifestyle are used to having judgements passed against them. It hurts when we feel that our choices are challenged. But more often than not, it strengthens our resolve to continue making those choices. Personally I think that's a good thing. But does that mean that we're less likely to listen if a friend (even one that can accept the lifestyle) is concerned about our relationship?

The friend I was talking to suddenly decided to express some minor concerns he had about my relationship. I respect him for being brave enough to voice these concerns, but I think he's wrong.

He feels like my Master neglects me. I'm sure this is almost entirely my fault. I don't tell him about all the wonderful times my Master pampers me and showers me with love an affection and attention because those times are special and private to me. I don't want to share them. But I am likely to mention in passing that I haven't talked to him in a few days. I need to watch what I say, really.

By my friend's standards, my Master certainly does neglect me. My friend is very clingy and wants to be permanently attached to his girl. Or to his friends, for that matter. Neither R nor I want that type of relationship, so I don't consider it neglectful if I don't talk to him for 10 hours every day.

It's true, sometimes I do wish he paid a little more attention to things I've said or something I want. But he's my Master. I can express displeasure if I get that unhappy, but ultimately he will decide what we do and when. It is difficult giving up that control to him, but I love doing it and wouldn't change it for the world.

But if it were another problem, would I reject my friend's concerns outright? Or would I listen to see if it has some validity?

On porn laws

2009-01-27T05:27:00.004-06:00

A new law has just been passed in my country that targets violent pornographic images. Now that's all well and good I suppose, but how do you define violent? They say they're targeting the extreme end of the spectrum, where real woman are really raped and killed. Correct me if I'm wrong, but weren't those things already being targeted?

It says it's a law against necrophilia and bestiality, which is fine I guess, except that this kind of porn was already illegal! It also says it's a law against "violence that is life threatening or likely to result in serious injury to the anus, breasts or genitals."

Life threatening? Well there goes asphyxiation. Serious injury? What about those people who like nipple and genital torture. People who want to be caned and whipped until they bleed? Oh, and mutilation was in there too. But there are people who consider piercings mutilation.

Here's the thing that I really don't understand though: necrophilia, bestiality, rape murder... all those things are illegal acts. Whether or not that is your kink, it makes some degree of sense that pictures of those acts would also be illegal. But the "violence" they're referring to is a basic part of many relationships! And it's not illegal.

It's perfectly legal for my partner to wrap his hand around my throat while we're fucking, squeezing until I almost black out and then tell me to cum............ *shakes head* sorry, slipped in to fantasy world for a second. Back to my rant! It may be life threatening, I don't deny it. But it's our choice, it's our kink, and it's perfectly consensual and legal.

How can it be illegal to have pictures of a legal act? Am I the only one who thinks this is completely barking mad?

On resolution

2009-01-25T02:53:00.003-06:00

I suppose I should finish the story I started the other day. Meta's comment about her Master usually making it up to her reminded me that I probably shouldn't leave it at that.

I should point out that we both got to cum on Wednesday night, but it wasn't the vocal, D/s session that we both really needed. It was wonderful, but it wasn't what we had planned. I knew that session had to come. Not because I was owed it or because he was making it up to me, but because we both needed and wanted it. We talked on Thursday, but there was no playtime. I had Friday morning to myself, but we usually talk at night so I wasn't expecting much.

I was surprised when he signed on because I fully expected him to be asleep. We talked for awhile about this and that and then somehow got on to tattoos. I am planning to get one on my foot. I've wanted one there for years, but only recently found the design I wanted. Now I'm just saving the money. I asked him to help me decide about something... whether I should get it now, or pay off more of my credit card.

He was trying to help me think through all aspects of the choice, including the tattoo itself. He just watched his brother get a tattoo on his shoulder blade, so now he thinks he's the expert on the subject in this relationship, even though I have significantly more knowledge and experience in the body mod world. But I love him for it. *chuckles*

He asked me how high I thought my pain threshold was and I got a little irate. I wasn't an idiot, I knew it would hurt. And bad, given the location. But I knew what I was getting in to. I snapped something sarcastic about how I canepilate all the hairs on my body and how I volunteered to be a pin cushion for a trainee piercer so I was pretty sure it was high enough to not pass out.

Normally I can hear his Uber-Dom side coming out. This time I missed it. Maybe because I was irate, maybe because we were feeling a little disconnected. I've said before that I usually only call him Master when we're playing. I try to treat him with respect at all times and too much teasing will usually earn me a look, at the very least. But things were disconnected and weren't running as smoothly as they should.

So my sarcastic comment earned me a "twist your nipples, whore. Hard." Silly me thought he was testing my pain threshold rather than taking that much needed play time. I did it, but when he asked me again how high my threshold was, I answered without calling him Master. He gave me several chances and I still didn't do it.

Finally he asked if I knew why my nipples were now aching and I said I didn't. He tried to give me a hint, and I met that with sarcasm and back talk too. Eventually I got the hint. Then he told me to turn on my cam.

Now, I hate having my cam on. I'll have to talk about why another day, but suffice it to say that it is as close as we get to humiliation. Being able to do what he asks on cam is the ultimate submission for me. And I still haven't quite gotten there. I'll talk about that eventually too. *chuckles* I turned it on without protest though.

What followed wasn't perfect submission (because I couldn't bring myself to do what he asked of me) and it wasn't amazing sex (because I was so nervous and feeling terrible about not obeying orders). But it was exactly what we needed.

I had been used. We didn't use toys that time and he didn't make me wait for permission to cum (which is extremely rare) but it put me back in my place and reminded me that I am his sub. And more importantly, that I want to be his sub.

The past couple of days, any sarcasm or complaint has been met with a metaphorical tug on my leash rather than silence. He's not letting me get away with anything. And I've never been happier. *grins*

On waiting

2009-01-23T14:33:00.002-06:00

On Monday, R and I realised that we hadn't had much time together recently. Certainly not the kind of time we have been used to. Because it's an online relationship, our play is usually over voice chat or text, and occasionally we use our cams. For some reason, it's just not that frequent. But normally we talk.

A couple of months ago, my headphones broke... again. Long story short, I had a couple of cheap pair that kept breaking. I asked my mum for a specific pair if they still made them in the states, because I had had those for about 5 years and they were awesome. They didn't have them, but she decided she needed to spend an arm and a leg on a new pair, even though I begged her not to. *sighs* Anyway when an expensive pair breaks, I can't justify not trying to fix them. So for the last month or so, he's been able to hear himself talk just barely in the background. It makes playtime a little odd and makes talking to him when someone else is in the house impossible.

To add to that, my husband has been working less recently. And that's a good thing, for him. He had been working about 80 hours a week, which is just rediculous. He would normally have at least 3 days where he worked from 9am to 1am. Now he's working closer to 50 hours, which is still a lot, but not near as much. he's only had one 9-1 shift in three weeks. Great for him and for me, because I do like having him around... not so good for me and my Dom.

Anyway, back to the story... sorry for all the background. We realised that we hadn't heard each other cum in days. In fact, we hadn't played at all some days, which is pretty rare for us. For the first time, we had to plan to spend time together. We decided Wednesday night would be the ideal time... as long as he was awake.

I knew things didn't bode well when he barely slept all day Tuesday. Wednesday came and went (technically). A little after midnight, he signed on. He was just as disappointed and frustrated as I was, but that didn't help much, somehow. He hadn't been sleeping, but he hadn't been able to get on the computer. His brother had been around.

I wasn't mad at him, or mad at all, really. But I was sad and frustrated. He tried to be very sweet and cuddly and loving, but I just didn't want to be touched. I've never been like that before with him, and I didn't want to tell him how I was feeling. I was worried that if I told him I was upset, he would think it was directed at him. It wasn't... it was just at the situation.

But I told him and he took it perfectly. He backed off and we just chatted for awhile, reading the news, looking at pictures, etc... He handled it so well, in fact, I was perfectly happy and feeling cuddly again within a few minutes.

So here's a question for all the subbies out there... when your dom fucks up (as we all do... we're only human, after all) how do you handle it? Do you stay quiet and let him sort it out himself? Or do you express your displeasure or concern or whatever else you're feeling without being disrespectful?

On separate lives

2009-01-19T17:10:00.003-06:00

In the last couple of days, my husband's life has changed drastically. His father just left his mum for her best friend, who also happened to be his best friend's wife. Apparently they've been having an affair for the past year. As far as my husband was concerned, his parents had a very happy marriage and this was completely out of the blue. It's been a bit of a shock for everyone. Every day it seems something new happens that makes the situation worse.

As for me, I always liked my father-in-law. I never thought they had a perfect marriage but I don't think anyone ever does. I can understand having problems and wanting out of a situation, but I can't understand going about it the way he has. He called me the day after he left, basically trying to use me as a source of information on his wife and kids. I was trying to be as neutral as possible, but... it put me in an awkward situation that I didn't want to be in, and I told him this.

Anyway, on to the point of this blog... This was a major part of my life in the last few days. It effects my house, people I love, and me. I normally try to keep a separation between my husband and my Master, mostly out of respect for both of them. But this wasn't about my husband really, and I wanted to share with R.

My Master has never asked me to keep that separation. He is not jealous of my husband, but he does get angry and frustrated with him. He gets frustrated because my husband is going to watch as I walk away instead of fixing anything to keep me (his words, not mine). He feels it is much less than I deserve. But if nothing else, my husband is my friend. I may not be in love with him, but I do love him very much. So when R gets angry and frustrated with someone I love, it's going to cause problems between us.

So when I came to him about the events of the past few days, he wasn't overly comfortable. I could more than understand why, but it still hurt. He didn't tell me to change the subject and deal with it myself, but he did encourage me to talk to another friend rather than him. It was weird because I felt a little rejected, even though I could more than understand why.

We talked about how I felt later (because he'd been up for about 36 hours and fell asleep in the middle of the conversation) and I was completely honest with him. I'd mostly gotten over that feeling of rejection while he slept, because I could hardly just stew in it for hours. So I asked him if he wanted to know about that part of my life or if he wanted it completely edited out. He decided that he wanted to know what was happening in my life, he has to know all of it. So whether he was uncomfortable with it or not, if I needed to talk, he would be there for me.

We then talked about it for a long time, even though I didn't really need to anymore. I knew he has asked to know, but I still think I would try to keep that separation as often as I can. It's not respectful to my husband and it's not fair on my dom to do otherwise.

On privacy

2009-01-18T04:22:00.002-06:00

The past two days have been very long ones for me. My father-in-law has just decided to walk out on a relatively happy 33 year marriage. To make matters worse, he has ended it in favour of his best friend's wife. It's coming completely out of the blue and everyone is pretty shocked. And all I keep thinking is "good god, I know I'll be leaving in a few months too, but at least I tried to work on my relationship!" And that's probably not fair. My mother-in-law isn't the easiest person to get along with and obviously I don't know the inner details of their life together. I can't really blame him for leaving... but I can blame him for going about it poorly. And for coming to me to see how everyone is doing and putting me in the middle, rather than asking them himself and facing up to his decisions.

Anyway, I promise, I am actually getting around to a privacy musing, bear with me. *smiles* I told R about this as soon as I knew, so he knew it would be a turbulent time. I didn't talk to him yesterday. But I did talk to another very old and dear internet friend. We talked for almost 12 hours, in fact. At some point I said something about really wanting a drink, but I don't drink alone. It's a very strict rule I have. He laughed and said he'd drink with me. I kind of thought it was cheating a bit... but I wanted that drink so that's what we did.

Now, I don't really drink. Usually only once every other month or so. Sometimes much less. These days when I do, it hits me pretty hard. I can confidently say that I only had two drinks last night... unfortunately, those two drinks had about 6 shots of jack in them. *looks ashamed*

As my typing slowly got worse, he suggested we bypass the keyboard altogether and chat with the wonderful yahoo voice feature. Now, I've done this with him a couple of times, but really rarely. Maybe three times since I've known him. And those other times.... well, we weren't exactly having a normal conversation if you catch my meaning. *chuckles* Although, I suppose that is pretty normal for us...

*shakes head quickly* Anyway! Back on target... I was a bit apprehensive because that's not really part of our relationship. But we chatted, had a great time, and all was fine. Slurred speach is a little easier to understand than a thousand typos, apparently.

But this made me think... I was going privacy crazy over talking to someone that I've known a long time over voice. It's not like he gains my phone number or anything. I'm still onlly available to him when I want to be. Where's the privacy issue. On the other hand, R has given his phone number out to two new girls in a week!

I guess it's a good balance, having one person privacy mad and the other person completely lacking all concepts of personal privacy. *chuckles* He's very good about other people's privacy, especially mine. He just doesn't see the need for his own.

Maybe I should change the name of my post to "On drunken evenings"....

On attention whores

2009-01-17T04:20:00.002-06:00

On occasion, my time with R is shared by other people. We ended up talking for about 6 hours yesterday, but I was sharing him from the beginning. Over the course of that time, I ended up sharing him with about 4 other girls. Most of them were random people that he had just met and was talking to. But one was someone he had talked/played with a couple of days ago.

He's really great at picking out women who aren't entirely together and he loves putting them back together. (Hmm.... I wonder what that says about me?) He's great at putting them back together and seeing if he can do anything to help. It's an ego boost for him, as it should be. This particular woman always cries after she cums. So he spent a good deal of time talking to her about that the other day.

Yesterday, however, she was bouncy and happy and very very complimentary. She told him how perfect he was and how she thought she could fall in love with him.... And then spent the rest of the time trying to push him away. He asked her if she had a problem with him being with me and her response was "Yes, because I want you for myself. Everything has to be about me."

I was actually really proud of myself, I didn't get jealous, I didn't try to push him in to her arms (it's a tendency I know I have but that I fight tooth and nail)... I just listened and tried to help him help her. I wasn't worried about him leaving me for the woman who tells him he's perfect and god's gift to women. (I believe my response was a joking "Give me her screen name, I'll sort her out!") If he wants to, he will and there's not much I can do about that... but I didn't think that would happen.

He pushed back against her for hours, determined not to let her push him away. She kept asking why he wanted to be with her and I had to bite my lip. I completely understand feeling down and needing a compliment. But god, hours of it was a bit much.

Well, at least I know how much he will and will not put up with. Geez, no wonder he gets upset with me when I pull away because I don't want to seem needy.

On men

2009-01-12T07:44:00.005-06:00

So last night I wanted to share a song that I love with my man. I wanted to put it in my journals, so I didn't just want to send the file to him. I looked for a video on youtube but couldn't find anything I was happy with. I started to rethink the whole idea and maybe just send him the lyrics. And then I thought, wait a minute, why don't I just make a video myself?!

So I did. This was the first video I ever made, so I was more than a little nervous. I wanted to make it perfect for him. Something to make him smile and want watch again and again. I spent hours searching for photos and images. I spent ages getting the timing right. I'm a perfectionist, and I hate it. But this was for him, and I wanted it to be even better.

Finally I finish it and I post it in my journal. I re-write the post 5 times, trying to get rid of all the "it's not very good, but..." and "I tried my best... I hope you like it" crap and just present it for what it was and see if he liked it.

He knew a surprise was coming and he was excited about it too. I sat there, knowing he was watching. I was wiggling in my seat, squeezing my hands together, so incredibly nervous and really really hoping he loved it.

He watches it and calls me. I'm grinning from ear to ear, waiting for his first words. I didn't know what they would be, but I knew they would make me smile for weeks to come.

"Hey honey"
"hey babe"
"So I'm talking to a friend... and I remembered a story I wanted to tell you about him"
"Wait, what??! No! Video first!! Please.....?"

Honestly, I fully expected him to reply in a very calm voice "Pet, be quiet. This will make sense." Instead, I got "oh right... ok."

*sighs* men. *chuckles* good thing we love them

On the brain

2009-01-10T16:13:00.003-06:00

The human brain is a truly amazing thing. I know this because it is part of my job to know. The mind and body interact in stunning ways. I'm saying all this because... well, I'll tell the whole story.

I have never planned on having kids. Don't get me wrong, I like kids. But I never had any desire to have my own. I figured that, someday when I was ready, my partner and I could always adopt. I have never had a regular period in my life, so as time went on, I questioned my ability to even have children.

On top of that, I have a pregnancy phobia. My sister is pregnant at the moment, and I'm so incredibly happy for her. I listen to all her baby things like a good sister and aunt should, but after about five minutes I'm left feeling like I need to be sick. I fight it because... well, I want to be there for her. I know the origins of this phobia and I know where my limits are, but it's definitely there.

When R and I first got together, we were talking, as you do, about hopes and dreams for the future. He very much wants children. He had nieces and nephews and he's so good with them. I fall in love with him a little more every time he talks about them or about his dreams for children in the future.

I would've liked to stay silent on the matter, going with the odds that our relationship wouldn't last (after all, there's an ocean between us, we've never met, and honestly, how many relationships last?), but I couldn't. We were still getting to know each other at the time. I don't even think we'd said "I love you" yet. But Rule Number 1 is honesty... so I told him.

I told him I didn't know if I could have kids and that I was scared to even if I could. But I also told him that, for the first time, I could see myself having them. Not for me, because god knows I would be scared shitless, but for my partner. For him.

About two months later, I started having periods. Regularly. Obviously, I can't say for absolutely certain that it had anything to do with him. I had previously been on birth control that stopped them (even though I never had them anyway), but I had been off that medicine for about 8 months when this conversation happened. The coincidence is remarkable.

Maybe for the first time in my life I felt like I had someone who would look after me. Who wouldn't believe in my outward appearance of strength and assume I could handle everything. Someone who could deal with my fear and promise to protect me.

That doesn't stop me from cursing his name (more-or-less good natured-ly) every time that time of the month rolls around. Today the conversation went something like:

R: How have you been dear?
Me: I've been ok. Cramping like mad. I think you're somewhat to blame for that, but I'll forgive you.
R:Meeeee?
Me: *nods* I was happy and period free before you *chuckles*
R: *rolls eyes* Period free, but not the rest

As usual, he was right.

On fantasy rape

2009-01-08T13:01:00.005-06:00

Today I got to have a chat with my Master, much to my relief. 10 minutes in 6 days just isn't enough. I hate to admit it, but it was probably made worse by the fact that he has a blossoming new relationship, and I wasn't there to hear about it.

He was going over the journal entries that I wrote for him over the last few days. I keep one for things that happen in my personal life and one for fantasies or thoughts about submission or anything like that.

One of the entries was about rape. He had been bringing it in to our fantasies and play time recently, and I wasn't sure why. Without going in to any detail, he has reason to be especially sensitive about that issue, and it's never something I would have brought up myself. So I wasn't sure if he was doing it to see what my reaction was or if he was fine with the fantasy.

I know that actual rape is nothing to do with sex. And of course I would never encourage rape in any sense. And I don't really have a fantasy about being raped by a stranger or anything like that. But when that word is used in a fantasy... *shivers* I don't know, I guess I do like it. For me, it symbolises lack of control. The need to have someone that badly.

I thought about it over the next few days and wrote another entry, this time about saying no. I decided to let him know that "no" never means no in our relationship. I'm well aware that, as my Master, he'll take what he wants. But he knows that I have issues around abuse and is very sensitive to them, so he probably wouldn't go too far in that taking.

But there is passion in reluctant sex. Angry, clawing, screaming passion. And I may genuinely mean no, but that doesn't mean I'm ready to stop.

Now, before I get a thousand angry e-mails, I want to say that I am absolutely not trying to lend credence to the "when girls say no, they really mean yes" myth because that is crap. I would never EVER say this to anyone else and I would strongly encourage anyone to back off if someone says no.

But in this case, things are a little different. As with many D/s relationships, we have a safeword. And if I really meant no, I would use it. And I would expect it to be respected. Since we have an all-encompasing "no!" I can safely tell him that no doesn't mean no when it comes to us.

I will point out, though, that it didn't exactly fill me with joy when, after reading that entry, he said "Honey... what's our safeword?" I was a little stunned and just stammered "Um... you can't... you can't forget our safeword! That's kind of important!" He pointed out that it had been months and months since I had used it and promised to put it on his phone so he would remember. *sighs and shakes my head*

On acceptance

2009-01-07T09:00:00.003-06:00

Thanks again to Meta. Your comments are always very welcome. I like hearing about someone else's experiences and their take on situations. I don't think anyone can ever have everything all figured out, and if they claimed to, I'd think they were lying.

I enjoy not knowing everything. I like the process of discovery, both of myself and of my Dom. There are moments of up and down, but I'm enjoying the ride. I am guided by my Master foremost, and then by the wonderful women who choose to share their thoughts and experiences.

As for yesterday's post, I had already sent him a message, giving him my complete honesty and telling him how I was feeling. But with our current silent status, I don't really feel like the conversation has even been started. I know I've said it, but it doesn't feel real until I know he's read it.

I sat in a lecture today that was all about how to use my supervisor for this huge project I have. I realised that if I was going to pass, I was going to have to take their advice. I would have to ask for help and seek validation with almost everything I write. I've never done that before.

Even growing up, I would never check my grades or my homework or anything. I knew whether or not I had done my best, and I knew that it was handed in and couldn't be changed, so I was satisfied. If I hadn't done my best, I would try harder next time, no matter what the grade. I never cared if it was an A or a D. Not just grades, either. I just generally felt that I had to approve of myself first and anyone else was just a bonus.

I find myself desiring and seeking approval from my man though. Still not from anyone else, but from him. Now I have to seek it from my supervisor as well. It's not something I'm comfortable doing, but it is a necessity. Because if they don't approve, I can change what I've written before it's marked.

On mistakes

2009-01-06T06:30:00.006-06:00

Does anyone else ever get to the point where they're so stressed and just can't relax... and you just know that if your Dom could just use you hard, make you cry, fuck you senseless, and then hold you close and make you smile, everything would be fine again?

I've been at that point the last couple of weeks. My mind feels completely fractured and I haven't been able to put it back together myself. In the past when I've gotten in this mood, R hasn't let it last for even a day. I was really shocked, because I know that sometimes I do just start bitching about everything around me. Sometimes I'm just easily annoyed. So when he, at first, laughed at my annoyed observations, then started to get frustrated, and then suddenly told to get on my knees NOW, I was surprised. I resisted at first, but when I finally gave in, the release was wonderful. I felt calm and whole and nothing annoyed me.

This time it has lasted for weeks. We've been spending less time together recently. With the holidays, it was a little tough. Plus, I have a paper I'm trying to write. He knows this, so he stays away. He doesn't want to be a distraction. So this release that I needed so desperately never came.

I knew what I needed. I tried to communicate what I needed. But I couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to come out and straight tell him what I wanted, because I felt like I would be critisizing him for not noticing my mood and dealing with it. Or like I was telling him how to be a better Dom. I'm always looking out for a tendency to top from the bottom. I don't like passive aggression and I won't use it.

So instead of talking to him and risking his feelings, I kept quiet. I found myself looking for more dominant play partners. See, I usually draw a line with my partners. I don't to submit to anyone but my Master, so the people I play with on the side don't get to do anything that I consider more dominant. We can be equals, I can be more aggressive, whatever... but they don't get to order me around and anything BDSM is out. R never requested these limits... it's simply what I felt most comfortable with. And what I felt was more respectful.

Suddenly, I found myself looking for a dom that would try to break me. It started slow, with someone that I just knew was more dominant. Then it went to someone who actually said they were a Dom. Then it went to a quiet man who claimed to have trained slaves for 20 years. As I've made clear, I would never want to be a slave. But I wanted something that would break me. None of these people could do it. My "submission" wasn't real with them... it was just words that never reached my heart.

In the last 4 days, this paper has been on my every waking thought. I lived off of coffee and that's about it. No food, little sleep, looking at nothing except my computer screen. My mood has been swinging back and forth like mad. But I have finally slept and calmed down and feel human again. And now that I do, I wonder how I could've even pretended to submit to anyone else. I feel absolutely terrible about it.

I briefly mentioned to R that I had been playing with other doms in the journals I keep for him. I know he read them but I don't know if he cares. Between the paper and my friends that have been around the last few days (and who fortunately forced me to eat) he and I have been incommunicado since Saturday.

I feel like I need forgiveness for this. And I don't know if, when we start talking again, he will be angry or if he will laugh it off. I know I wasn't myself, and I know I would never normally do that. I also know why I did. But it's no excuse. My submission is my gift to him... and I never want to give it to anyone else.

On ego

2009-01-05T11:56:00.002-06:00

Is it really such a bad thing?

I've always hated it when anyone asks for an ego boost. I am free with my praise and honest with a person's positive points. But when someone goes looking for it, I suddenly go quiet. I guess I wonder if it's really necessary. If that person is so uncomfortable with themselves that they have to have validation from someone else.

I'm not saying I never want to ask someone if I look good, or if I've done well. I am certainly always hoping for praise from my Dom. But I don't ask for it. I may come across as a strong person, but this isn't a strength thing. In fact, it's the opposite.

There is a part of me that my Master calls Ume. This is the part that tells me that no one could possibly love me, and even if they say they do, they're just lying. Or even if they really do love me, it won't last. He knows Ume well, and always knows when it's her words coming out of my lips. I can't imagine that it is easy, but he almost always deals with her very well.

Anyway, I got a little off track. hehe I used to have an issue with anything that inflated a man's ego. I know this is silly, but... Well, we're not always perfect. We learn and we grow as time goes on. I hate guns, I hate fast cars (unless I'm driving them!), I hate action movies, etc... This all started to change one day.

My husband (who was, at the time, only a close friend) introduced me to rugby. I was, at first, cynical. I love sports, don't get me wrong, but rugby was somehow different. His family is from New Zealand, so he introduced me to the All Blacks. And the haka. And Carlos Spencer.

I'm trembling as I write this, and I don't think it's just because my house is cold. The premise of the haka had been explained to me before I saw it, and of course I was even more cynical about that than about the game itself. But hey, it was part of a different culture, so I was happy to watch and learn.

And then I saw Mr. Spencer. In a big group of rugby players, this man was still the dominant man. And not just because he was leading the haka. I gasped as I watched him prowl through the pack, looking around slowly, surveying all that he controlled. I whimpered when his voice rang out clear and strong. I watched in awe as this man... this arrogant male... shattered my impressions on ego forever.

From then on, the All Blacks (and rugby in general) had a new avid supporter. I watched every game. I didn't care that Mr. Spencer was fairly attractive or that he had occasional moments of pure genius in the game. I cared most about those few moment before the game, when he would leave me breathless and trembling.

He now lives relatively close to where I live. Especially considdering he used to live in a different hemisphere. And on occasion I've fantasized about trying to meet him. But something tells me that if he affects me like that through a television screen, I would either end up sorely disappointed, or die from overstimulation.

On sub vs. slave

2009-01-04T05:00:00.006-06:00

I want to thank Meta for her comment. I won't mention the girly squeal that came out in delight over my first comment. *grins and laughs* But she reminded me of something that is very important to me.

Before I write anything else, I want to note that no D/s relationship is the same as another. Everyone works within their own kinks and limits. I think everyone has their own definition of terms as well. My definition is not necessarily the same as anyone else's, so no offense is intended if our opinions differ.

Last night I asked R what he thought the difference was between a sub and a slave. We had talked about this at length when my submission first began, but that seems long ago now and I wanted to quote him. His answer? Quite simply, "Free will." *grins* I'll try to expand on that a bit.

His definition of a slave is someone who has completely given all will to her Master. Someone who has no limits because how can there be a limit when there is no will? He enjoys the power and gift of the submission of a strong willed person much more than the ego boost of someone who has no will or control over themselves.

Again, that's his view and his definition and it certainly isn't meant as a slight on anyone's life or choices. It simply is not what he or I want for our relationship. This does not mean that I don't to submit instantly to his requests, even if they push my limits. It means that we will have long conversations about the limits that I have, the reasons I have them, and what would happen if they are crossed. It means that I am treated as a person and not merely a thing. I am his to use as he wishes when he wishes... but it is a gift that I give him, not something that is expected.

As Meta correctly guessed, I do value my strength and independence and that is what concerns me over being a slave. I can understand why this fits some people and some lifestyles, but it doesn't fit me. More importantly, it doesn't fit my Dom. If being a slave was what I wanted, he wouldn't be my Dom.

The other day R mentioned that he had been talking to someone about me and he told this person that he did not own me. And I burst into tears. In my defense, this conversation was right after the one I talked about yesterday so emotions were running high, but still... I cried. And he was extremely confused.

He calmed me down and then we talked. I realised I was already feeling on edge because there was someone else in his life that he was really interested in. And then with that simple statement, I felt like he no longer wanted me as his subbie.

He slowly explained that the person he was speaking to was using the term "owned" in a very degrading one and he didn't like it. R was speaking with the definitions used by this other person rather than with his own. Second, he knew what the connotations of an owned submissive can be with "uneducated" people and while he didn't want to take the time to educate this person, he didn't want them thinking poorly of his girl.

God, every time I think of those words, I melt a little. Has anyone ever been happier? *grins*

After I was completely calm he reminded me that there was a third reason too... he doesn't own me. We both decided long ago that "owner" would never be part of his description until we had, at the very least, met. It has nothing to do with his desire to own me or my desire to be owned. It simply makes sense for us to wait.

Ownership is not something I would give up lightly nor something he would take easily. And while no relationship is ever certain, we both want to be as certain as we can be before making that commitment. He kindly pointed out that just because he doesn't own me, it doesn't mean he doesn't want to or that he doesn't look forward to it every day.

On open relationships

2009-01-03T12:50:00.004-06:00

My man and I have an open relationship. I'm sure I've said that before. Since our relationship is online, most of that openness is too. Aside from the over-arching rule of honesty, the only other rule about this part of our relationship is that if there is someone significant, we will tell each other.

I take him at his word and will happily chat, flirt, or play with lots of people. He knows about the few that I consider friends, but I rarely sit down and outline everything I did or said with every person I talked to. If I'm having a day off, there could be 3 different guys even on a slow day. That's not to say I play with them all but there would probably be some flirtation. But as soon as I've signed off, there names and the conversations are almost immediately forgotten.

He, however, is better than his word. He tells me about everyone. It doesn't matter if they talked for two minutes or two hours. He tells me jokes that he made or ideas that he came up with or fantasies that they discussed... whatever.

This has never concerned me in the slightest... until yesterday. See, when he tells me about his jokes or his ideas, it's because he wants to share it with me. He wants to hear me laugh or comment or take pride in him. And I do. When he tells me about the fantasies, he wants to see what piques my interest and what doesn't. He enjoys the time he spends with other women, but sometimes it feels like he enjoys it because he has something to bring back to me. I never expected that, but it's a wonderful thing.

Yesterday I asked him how he spent his new year and he told me he spent it chatting with a new girl. And suddenly I heard something I'd never heard before. He had a smile in his voice. Not because of a joke or fantasy, but because of a person. So I was intrigued.

He told me that they had talked for hours and hours, played a couple times (sorry, I should probably specify that I say "play" to refer to all forms of sex, cyber, phone, or real), talked about their lives, arranged for him to call her the next morning when she was getting off work, etc... and then the next morning he woke up to a picture of her topless.

I felt like my head was going to explode. Was that silly? Their play time was no big deal, and neither was him getting a picture. He was coming back to me and telling me everything that happened. She knew about me and our relationship. So why was I so weirded out by this?

I didn't say anything until I knew what to say. It took him awhile to hear that anything was wrong. Actually, I just sort of ran out of the ability to say anything. And then he asked what was on my mind.

I told him as much as I could. And after much consideration, I think it's the phone thing that bothers me the most. He and I live in two different countries. I have his number and he has mine but we have only ever talked on the phone twice. And neither time was spontaneous. We met online and arranged to make the call. We don't text either. It's just too expensive and neither of us are in a position to afford it right now.

But suddenly there's this new girl who he clearly likes who can call him or text him any time she wants. He is potentially always available for her. And the only time he's really available for me is when he chooses to be. I didn't cope very well.

But we've talked. And while I don't think there will be any change in how he interacts with her, he knows how I feel and where the sore spots still are. Some issues were discussed and gotten over, others were discussed and will still be minor issues. I guess nothing can be perfect.

On trust

2008-12-31T04:03:00.002-06:00

Last night for the first time, R and I explored breath control to some degree. I have always had issues with choking in the past, but recently my fantasies have involved a hand on my throat more and more. Actually, they've just been getting a bit more violent recently. R showed me a picture of a girl with her head forced to the floor being fucked from behind (have I written about this picture before? I think I have) and it has been in my thoughts ever since.

Since he's not physically here, I had to do it to myself. So I'm still not sure how much of a turn on that pressure is, or how much pressure I want or if I just want the sensation of a hand there and no pressure at all. But it made me think again about just how important trust is to a D/s relationship.

I'm not just trusting him with my heart and my mind and my body, but with my life as well. I have to trust that he will stop when I use my safe words and that he will read the reactions of my body and not necessarily just listen to my words.

It's an awful lot to give someone. But it's the best gift I can possibly give.

On being a doormat

2008-12-30T03:34:00.003-06:00

The other day my Dom and I were having a discussion. Not a fight, in this case, but there was an issue that needed addressing. It's a complicated issue, but it boils down to the fact that, while we have an open relationship, I'm not comfortable being completely ignored while he plays with someone else. I admit that this is my problem, not his, and it's only because I'm not comfortable enough in my own skin to entirely believe that he will always come back to me.

Initially, we fixed this by him agreeing to send me a quick message telling me where he was and that he would be with me later. I hated the idea of keeping tabs on him because I don't need to do that, but it was even worse getting exited about seeing him for hours and then finding out he'd been online all along, just with someone else. It wasn't long before we encountered a flaw in this solution.

I was incredibly horny and had been waiting for him to sign on all day. When he did, it was only to tell me that he would be around later. I was dying, but I couldn't bring myself to tell him that I needed some attention. Instead, I acknowledged his message and carried on with my day as usual.

For various reasons, this frustration came to a head later in the day and he was very frustrated with me for not just telling him that I wanted him. I have serious issues with appearing needy or clingy and this definitely falls under that category for me. He pointed out that even if I could ask him to stay, I could've just given him a long passionate, toe curling kiss and shown him that I wanted him with me. Then he reminded me that, although I am submissive, I don't have to act like a doormat.

I was stunned because I am NEVER a doormat. The only time I ever back down to him is when he specifically says that he's had enough now and gives me a look to remind me of my place. I never saw my silence as letting myself be taken advantage of. I simply saw it as sticking with our agreed plan and not getting in the way of his fun or pleasure.

It made me realise just how much I struggle to show that I am needy. I don't like needing anything from anyone and that includes needing attention from him. I still don't think I was being a doormat, but I do need to work on letting him know what my needs and desires are. After all, it's always nice to feel needed and desired.

On disobedience

2008-12-29T05:35:00.002-06:00

I'm ashamed to say that I disobey far more often than I should. I really really need to work on that. It's usually when he's impatient and asking the impossible. I try to tell him I am trying to do what he's asking but I need more time, but sometimes that doesn't work. On those rare occasions, it's just easier to tell him I've done it than to explain again. When I disobey then it bothers me, but not too much.

It bothers me far more when he asks me to do something specific and I just decide not to. For example, when he asks me to use a specific toy and I just don't feel like that one and I use a smaller one. Or if he wants me to fuck my ass and I decide to fuck my pussy instead.

Sometimes he'll tell me to put in my big plug but if I just don't feel like being stretched, I'll just put in the smaller one. Or he'll request my vibrator with the little rubber barbs all over it. That one just hurts if I try to move it once its in, so if I really want a pounding I'll pick another one. Those are the times that I really need to work on.

*frowns* I'm such a bad subbie. I know the reason I don't mention my preference is because complaining will just try his patience and have it in faster. If there's a real reason not to do something, I speak up then and he always listens. But if I'm just not in the mood, he won't stand for that. I must stop being such a brat.

On online D/s

2008-12-28T03:04:00.003-06:00

I can't help myself, when I think of an online dom, a cynical image always comes to mind of a fat pimply teenager sitting on a throne with his tiny cock in hand saying "Bow before your Lord and Master!" (Wow... was that really bitchy?) I know that's not (always) the case, but the anonymity of the internet allows anyone to call themselves a dom, regardless of experience, intention, or common sense. I tend to be dubious about anyone with "dragon" or "shadow" or "Master" in their name. But I'll admit I've been wrong before.

Online submission can be a lot of fun, but it can also be terrible. I have a webcam but I hate using it. I will when he insists, but I rarely turn it on by myself. That makes it very easy to disobey, and that's a horrible thing. Fortunately I have a man who can tell a lot about me and what I'm doing from one altered sound. He knows what each part of my body sounds like when it's spanked, how my moans change when I touch myself in different places, or how I sound when I'm close to cumming. It requires a great deal of trust to know that requests are being carried out.

It's also safer, which is both a good and bad thing. It's good because I'm in my own home and even if I'm talking to a psycho killer, the psycho killer isn't in my room beside me. But safe is also boring. Part of what I love about D/s is having my limits pushed. It's too easy to stay in your safe area when someone isn't beside you pushing you.

I always feel silly talking about an online relationship like it's a real one. But it is real. Maybe it's completely different to one where you physically spend time with the person, but it still feels real in its own way. Honestly though, I don't think I'd bother with a relationship that was strictly online with no hope of ever making the transformation to real life.

On anonymity

2008-12-27T04:13:00.002-06:00

For me, the internet doesn't really provide me a place to say what I want without fear of repercussions. Most of the things I say here I would say in real life. Instead, the internet provides me a way to be entirely myself while controlling what people know about me.

I like my privacy. I always have. I have never used my real name online (except with my Dom) and I never will. But having layers upon layers of pseudonyms is starting to get a bit odd too. I have a normal screen name that I love and identify with. When I'm online, I think of it as my "real" name. It's the one I use, but it's registered under a false name.

But I have other names too. I usually use them for different moods or different sets of friends or whatever. The name I use on this blog alludes to my real name, but even that can't be traced back to the real me. Not by legal means, anyway.

I wonder what it is about anonymity that makes me so comfortable. Especially when I'm not doing anything anonymously that I wouldn't do with someone watching.

On Christmas

2008-12-26T12:11:00.002-06:00

Happy Christmas everyone! A British Christmas is a wonderful thing to me. It has a richer tradition than any Christmas I grew up with. I love the fact that Christmas dinner is full of food that so many people hate, and yet everyone eats it because it's tradition.

I love Christmas crackers and stupid paper hats, and being force fed alcohol and snacks until you can't move or risk passing out if you do. I love watching the Queen's speech and making fun of it, and watching the Christmas specials of all the wonderful shows.

So I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and a great Boxing Day. Now it's time to enjoy the sales, the Christmas hangover, and that wonderful feeling of being too stuffed to move.

Musings on the Christmas spirit

2008-12-24T02:58:00.000-06:00

It's Christmas Eve and I'm still not in the Christmas spirit. We're not spending Christmas at home this year, so we didn't bother with a tree. We did put our stockings up, but... it hasn't really inspired me somehow. I think it's made worse by the fact that I have work to do, and it's really hard to take three days off for something you're not in the mood for.

But I'll smile, spend time with my in-laws, and hopefully Santa will bring me some Christmas cheer. That's all I really want anyway.

Oh, but speaking of gifts, I feel like I should record my prediction for my prezzie from my husband. I hate it when I'm right because I hate ruining the surprise, but at the same time I like being right because it means I know him pretty well. I think this year he has gotten me margarita glasses and mix. I'll let you know if I was right or wrong. hehe

Musings on misconceptions around doms

2008-12-23T05:55:00.000-06:00

Once upon a time not so long ago (sorry Bon Jovi, I stole your lyrics) I had an image of a dom in my head. The picture was of a large leather-clad man with his arms crossed and a whip in one hand glaring down at a naked and bleeding woman on the floor. And while there is nothing wrong with that image or that scene, it was never quite what I wanted from a dom. I can't help it, I usually laugh at leather. Too Village People.

I have known both Doms and Dommes in my private life and nothing that I knew of them made me want to get in to the lifestyle. My dom friend and I didn't talk much about his motivation or what he got out of the scenes he played out. Instead we talked about his subs and what he had been asking them to do recently. My domme friends were professional dommes and found a lot of humour in their jobs. They enjoyed it, certainly, but the only sexual thrill they got from it was one that came from power. You know, the whole "Men are worms, look at how easy they are to break" type thing. They all seemed a bit cruel to me and that wasn't something I was interested in. And then I met my man.

He cleared up misconceptions that I had and showed me that not all doms were little boys on power trips. (I'm not saying that my friend was, but it was easy to make assumptions when we didn't go in to much detail about his role) And honestly, I didn't really think that all doms were, but it was all I had seen so far. My man answered any questions I had and exposed me to a world that I knew about, but he showed me how good it could really be.

He helped me explore what elements of submission I revel in and what elements I will not touch. Not yet, anyway, and maybe not ever. He made sure that I understand the difference between sub and slave. The thing that I was most terrified of being was a slave. That role does not fit me or hold any interest for me. But I delight in my role as his subbie.

Musings on my Dom

2008-12-22T04:59:00.001-06:00

I suppose I should say right up front that I do call him Master, but only when we are playing or when I am being punished. I can him by his name most often. I don't like only referring to him as "my Dom" in here, and "my man" seems disrespectful, even though that's generally how I refer to him. I'll figure it out, if you'll bear with me... it's only my 4th post. :-)

He is a wonderful caring man who will go out of his way to make a friend smile. He loves beauty in all its forms. He is creative and artistic and loves showing off his accomplishments. Not necessarily because he needs his ego stroked, but because he wants something that gave him pleasure to give someone else pleasure. I always think of a cat bringing back a kill for its owner. Not a nice image perhaps, but the image of a child showing off a drawing doesn't really fit.

He knows me so well it's insane. Once he asked me if I would ever move back to my home state. I told him that I wouldn't and gave several reasons. And instead of accepting that answer like a normal person, he disagreed and proceeded to describe the one and only situation where I would actually more back! I was stunned, because I had thought about that particular situation but had never really told anyone what I was thinking.

Like I've said before, it's not hard to "know" someone. But you have to be paying enough attention to pick up on those little things that let you make an educated guess. I've never had someone pay that much attention.

Musings on my husband

2008-12-21T04:13:00.001-06:00

Seeing as my blog is called "Musings of a subbie" you would think that I would write about my Dom first. But since the vast majority of this blog will be about him, I want to write about my husband first.

In just a few months, we will most likely be splitting up. And it kills me that I will cause us both that pain. I don't really care to go in to the intimate details of the breakdown of this relationship. Let's just say that there are fundamental personality differences that can't and won't be resolved. I don't feel the need to change who I am, and I certainly can't ask him to change who he is.

My husband is one of my oldest friends and I hope that part of our relationship will continue. Actually, I should point out that "breakdown of this relationship" and "that part of our relationship" is a crock of shit. All we really have is a close friendship and that's not breaking down. The only thing that will really change (I hope, perhaps naively ) is my home and the ring I wear on my finger.

I feel like such a bitch for hurting the kindest man I've ever met. But if we stayed together, I know our friendship would break down too. Resentment would start to fester and an affair wouldn't be too far off. (Yes yes, I know that if I have a Dom then I'm really already cheating on him.) I'm unwilling to extend a relationship that doesn't really have an optimistic future.

Musings on starting a blog

2008-12-20T08:59:00.000-06:00

I keep a journal for my Dom and a private one (that he has access to) for myself. So why am I writing a blog too? He told me once that he didn't care if I had a journal that he never read if it was used for mulling things over while I decide if I should bring them to his attention. I suppose that is what this is.

I'm writing this partially to get out some of the things I just can't say. The first rule of our relationship is honesty. And I've stuck to it even when tiny white lies would have been easier. Even when the truth has caused pain. But sometimes I think maybe it's best if I try to deal with my issues and objections rather than taking the risk of hurting someone I love. Is silence a lie?

I also wanted to write to put another submissive viewpoint out there. I'll write more about the intricacies and details of that relationship later, but I wanted to write about a strong woman who chooses to submit to someone special. I hardly think I'm the only one and I'm certainly not trying to say that I'm different or better than any other sub. Maybe I just want to offer a view of a "non-typical" submissive.

My first musings

2008-12-19T21:20:00.000-06:00

I am still learning what it means to be submissive. The first thing I realised is that every D/s relationship is different and it is impossible to define a "typical" one. This is both freeing and frustrating. Freeing because you and your significant other are free to carve out whatever type of relationship fits the two of you best. Frustrating because it may be difficult to find understanding from an outside source.

As for me, I don't think I look like a very submissive subbie to the outside world. The few people who know I am submissive have almost all been shocked when they found out. Not because they feel that title carries a stigma, but because they know I am very outspoken, strong minded, and dominant in many situations.

I frequently find myself trying to reconcile my feminist views with my submissive desires. The truth is though, it's not a struggle. I understand how I feel. And while it would be nice if other people did too, I don't need acceptance or understanding from anyone except myself and my Dom.

And my man does understand me... better than anyone I've ever encountered. I'm sane enough to know that people aren't as complicated as we would like to think we are. Fortune telling works because if you take an educated guess, you'll often be right. And if you're not, people forget about it and cling to the times you are right. "Knowing" someone is the same way. I'm sure it's the same thing with me and my man. But you know what? He makes some pretty good educated guesses. *grins*