Richard and I are done. We could've stayed together, but I felt like I wasn't giving him the respect as he deserves. I don't even mean as a dom, but even just as a lover and a person. He wanted to try to work things out and stay together, but I don't feel like there was anything he was doing wrong. I just clearly wasn't ready to be in a committed (even if it was open) relationship again.

I thought about closing this blog at the end of the relationship. After all, I'm barely writing in it anymore. But I started it originally because I felt lost, and I feel lost again. I knew I'd been feeling down the last few days (breakups and more snow tend to do that), but when I got to work I saw that we had a new Suicide Girls book. I grabbed that and practically every tattoo mag we sell, and sat down to read them all. I knew this wasn't really normal for me, but it wasn't until I was half way through the book that I realised I was searching for myself.

I'm not sure I can explain that, but I'll try. I've always loved looking through suicide girls stuff. I still maintain that I'm not bi, but damn some of those girls are cute! And it's not really because of their features, but because of the intelligence you see in their eyes, the creativity you see all over their bodies, and the comfort you see in the way they work with the camera. That's just a side note. hehe In my experience, many modified girls are searching for themselves (as are most people, they're just doing it through mods), but they're comfortable with that search and with their transitions.

Until recently, I felt the same way. I'm not the person I want to be yet but that person is slowly emerging. I felt like I sculptor and I was content to chip away tiny pieces until I'm content with my sculpture. There was no desperation to my search, and I even thought I knew what the sculpture inside the stone would look like. Inside this fat, relatively plain (but still pretty cute) girl is a gorgeously curvy girl with beautiful tattoos and bright red dreadlocks down to my ass... oh, and great tits! I should point out that the real me is probably somewhere between those two, and that the "finished" me probably won't be like I picture it. I probably won't have the dreads. lol And I should also point out that the changes I want to make are purely external. I'm pretty happy with who I am internally, although I have no doubt that that will change too.

But suddenly I'm feeling a little desperation. Many of my life's decisions seems to have a degree of finality to them and that's worrying me a little. When I left Patrick, I knew there was a chance I was giving up on the chance of having children. I wasn't sure I even wanted them, but still... I'm perfectly aware of my age, and while it's still very young, it's not young enough to spend years and years with a partner before even thinking about having kids, like I would like to. It could still happen (and I'm still not sure I want kids), and I could always adopt, but I gave up on planning for kids when I left.

Now that Richard and I have split, I feel like I'm giving up on love too. Well, that's not true. I feel like I've given up on romantic, long-lasting, gut-wrenching love. But since I'm not even sure it existed, I'm trying to figure out why it's bothering me to give up on it.

It's not just our split that's triggering this. It's also the fact that I belong to someone else. Someone who loves me (and vice versa) but who has no romantic interest in me. His rules are very clear. He wants me to enjoy what we do, but his pleasure comes first. It took me awhile to learn that commenting on how hot and fuckable some random guy is wasn't really a good idea. Having said that, ultimately he wants me to be happy. So if there is a guy I want to date, no problem.

Except, there are actually a couple problems. The biggest one is that I don't WANT to date anyone! God knows I am not ready for that right now. I think I've just proven that. But that means unless I'm dating, I don't get tenderness and affection in my life. Actually, that's a complete lie, because he is extremely affectionate. But that's the friend part of our relationship, not the sex part. I can't imagine tenderness with our sex, nor should there be. After, yes, but that's different. And even then I can't imagine getting one of those deep, toe-curling soul kisses.

It would be wrong of me to date someone just for kisses, and I wouldn't do that to some guy. But can I stay sane in a situation with love, affection, sex, but no kisses? What worries me most is that I'm not reconsidering any of this. lol It feels right to be his pet, even with no kisses and potential future pain.

But I don't know how to be his and still keep searching for me. When I was still in a relationship with Richard, there was still a part of my life that was just for me. Now I don't have that. I'm not the person I want to be yet, I'm searching for myself, but at the same time I'm losing the major area in my life where being an individual is important. Part of my identity is his pet. And that sends shivers down my spine. It also scares the crap out of me.

So I guess for now I'll keep looking at these beautiful and beautifully flawed girls, looking at the gorgeous tattoos and finding things that I like, thereby finding another small piece of myself. And who knows... maybe the person I want to be will be the person he wants me to be. Without the dreads. :-)

On self-reflection

Last night, hours after I wrote the previous entry, I was sitting around at work reading a book, the Guide to Getting it On. It's a hefty textbook essentially, but well-written and fun. I'd like to think I know a hell of a lot about sex and sexuality and kink. But you can never know everything, so I was curious to see what this could teach me. I'm getting off the point though.

As I was reading, I came across a paragraph that echoed what I was feeling when I was writing. "Some people need to have sex or masturbate several times a day to help numb a chronic sense of anxiety or ease feelings of deadness. Having a constant stream of orgasms can be their way of keeping an emotional funk at arm's length. Do not confuse this with sexual pleasure, even if they do." I've been kicking that around in my mind ever sense.

"Some people need to masturbate several times a day..." Do I need to? Or do I just want to? I don't think it's helpful to look at when I'm on orgasm restrictions to answer that question. After all, it's human nature to want what you can't have. During normal life, I do masturbate a lot, often a few times a day. But there are days when I don't, or days when I can't. When I don't, I'm not depressed, and when I can't, (because of life rather than specific orgasm restrictions) I'm not climbing the walls. I masturbate because I'm bored, or because I'm working a night shift and I desperately need to sleep even thought it's the middle of the day and I'm wide awake, or because one of the two guys in my life told me to, or just because I'm horny. If fills several positions in my life, and maybe some of those aren't strictly healthy. But I think masturbation still falls under the want category rather than the need one.

"to help numb a chronic sense of anxiety..." I'll be the first to admit that I have bouts of anxiety. I know why they started, and I know how much they've decreased over the years. I know they stem from a feeling of impotence and a fear of not knowing if something happened to someone I love. I also know that these anxiety attacks are very rare for me now and that they did not decrease with an increase in masturbation, nor are the rare ones brought on by a lack of masturbation. I can't honestly say that I know for a fact that there is no connection. But I know that it is unlikely that I am masturbating to manage anxiety, consciously or unconsciously.

"or ease feelings of deadness...." This is what scares me the most. When I was younger, I went through a little depression, as many teenagers do. Only once did I feel suicidal and at the time I took a very pragmatic attitude toward it. I decided to shit or get off the pot, essentially. If I was going to kill myself, I just wanted to get on with it rather than feeling maudlin and melodramatic forever. If, however, I decided life was worth living, I never wanted to revisit this issue again. And as of today I haven't. However, the attitude I took left me worried that someday I'd feel that way again. If there is something or someone in my life that makes me feel that kind of depressed again, I'm pretty quick to cut it out of my life. I don't know if that's healthy or unhealthy, but it is what it is. I worry about feeling that kind of deadness, yes. But I have no evidence to suggest that the potential for feeling that has been lurking hidden inside me for the last 14 years.

So what happened a couple days ago to put me in such a funk? I'm sure the lack of sleep or lack of endorphins I'm used to exacerbated the issue. But I won't think they were the cause or the main factor. I think that honour is more likely to go to an issue I already know I have.

Deep down, I'm convinced that I'll end up alone because no one in their right mind could love me. I tend to sabbotage relationships even when I try not to. But in the last few months, I've discovered an interesting new type of relationship. One that includes sex and love and friendship, but we're not in love. I never actually thought that could exist. A situation where sex is based on what he wants.... where there's no obligation and no hurt feelings. I don't have to question his motivation because the motive is always desire or interest. I trust him and trust that he will protect me and think of what it best for me, because he cares about me. But he's not in love with me, so there's no issue with him hurting me like I want him to. Perfect!!

Except that it's temporary. Probably. Hopefully. He's a wonderful man and a hopeful romantic, and the minute he falls in love with someone, it's over. I'm well aware of that and I accepted it a long time ago. I thought. The other day it hit me that when he finds that perfect woman, I would be so happy for him. He deserves all the happiness I could ever wish for him. I would also feel (and possibly be) completely abandoned. I don't know if he would be there for me when I'm missing his dominance or just his cuddles. And I don't know if I would want him to be there. I wouldn't want anything to smudge his happiness and ultimately it's not his problem. It would be mine to get over.

I'm not in love with him, but I do love him. And I do want all the amazing things we could offer each other, even if it's temporary. Still, I went from thinking that I would always be alone, to thinking that I would never be alone because it's a casual relationship, and then to thinking that not only would I be alone when it ended, but that the end was likely to be abrupt, complete, and painful since I would still be happy for him through all that adjustment. It hit me hard.

Anyone sane is probably wondering where the hell Richard is in all this "I'll die alone" crap. Honestly, I don't know how things will go with him. I do know that I love him. I know that my life would be a poorer place without him in it. I can't imagine anyone else possibly being able to accept the relationship we now find ourselves in. But I also know that I still think he's a fool for loving me. I know that the things I'm asking him to accept aren't easy. I know we have problems and that, like I said, I tend to sabotage relationships. And I know that ultimately I still expect to be alone. I just really hope I'm wrong.

On depression

Over the past couple of days, I have had masturbation restrictions. There's nothing original or different about that. Nothing that a thousand other submissives haven't gone through many many times before me. But for some reason, this hit me hard.

There are a few things you should know about me for all this to make sense. I'm generally a pretty happy person. I laugh all the time. I smile for no reason. Even when life really really sucks, a bright blue sky or a beautiful moon will make all the hard stuff worth it. I'm easily pleased and generally satisfied with my life, even though I still try to make my life better. And I masturbate a lot. lol

There have also been a lot of changes since the last time I posted. I don't want to go in to all of them yet, but I can make a long story short. Basically, the D/s aspect of my relationship has faded fast. We still love each other and we are still together, but the dominance just isn't important to him. It is still important to me. So although I am dating him, I now belong to someone else. Everyone knows about everyone else, and it is a relatively amiable relationship.

Whew... I think that covers all the preliminaries. Now to the crux of this post. Like I said, being unable to masturbate like I normally would has thrown me more than I expected it to. The first couple days, I went through the hair-pulling frustration and the cat-in-heat mentality. And then I crashed pretty hard.

It was the crash that surprised me. Nothing happened that should've made me crash like this. My life was still a good place to be. I'd enjoyed work more than I had in awhile, I have two men in my life who love me in two very different ways, I have a nice warm house to come home to... what more can a girl ask for?

And yet, suddenly I was crying for no reason. Suddenly I was shaking with fear of being abandoned and alone. Suddenly I was fighting to not throw away everything good in my life an favour of the emptyness which I was convinced would eventually fill my life anyway.

That was yesterday. Today, I'm still feeling down. Today, I'm desperate for attention and cuddles and kisses. And as usual, when I really need something, I don't ask. And today I'm still on masturbation restrictions.

That's what concerns me the most right now. What if all this darkness is always inside me? What if it's just held at bay by all the wonderful orgasm endorphins that constantly flood my system? What if I just hadn't noticed that I'm living with something dangerous because every orgasm just covers it up?

If that's true... well, if that's true then maybe the happiness I always feel is just a facade. It's something I like about myself. Now I wonder if it's just chemically induced. Natural chemicals, true enough, but chemically induced nonetheless. If something I like about myself, something that I feel defines me, is basically just a cover, what does that say about me and who I really am?

I'm feeling weird and fractured. And the stupid thing is, I don't even know if these are valid concerns. If, should I be on orgasm restrictions another time, the same thing would happen again. Or if this is all an over-reaction to an anxiety that is always in the back of my mind over being depressed and this has just been a bad couple of days.

I'm hoping it's just been a bad day.

On frustrations

I've been thinking a lot about online vs. real life relationships. I've had both in my life for more than a decade, but I've never had both with one person until now. I knew the change over would be interesting and possibly frustrating, and now we've really hit the frustration part. I hated when Richard and I were only online because I couldn't feel him. Now there are all new frustrations.

Now we worry about each other's finances and try to work around work and school to see each other just for 12 hours. And half of those 12 hours we're sleeping. This was even more frustrating when I realised we'd gone over two weeks without sex. Not just real sex, but also phone or cyber, which obviously used to be all we ever got. What the hell!!?! And why did it take me so long to really notice?

I called him and tried to talk some of these frustrations out. He tried to help by giving me a fantasy based in reality. Just for a little background, the last time we were together we bought a whole kit of things including suction cup handcuffs. I don't actually have a bed, just a mattress on the floor, so since the suction cups were supposed to work on the wall, we thought that'd be perfect. We hadn't had a chance to explore or even open the kit while we were together though. So he started talking about how he couldn't wait to try out the handcuffs and how I would look helpless on the bed. But before he could tell me what he wanted to do once I was helpless, I interrupted. "Oh yeah! I forgot to tell you that they don't work! They're fine in the shower but they just don't stick to the wall." Then I started crying. Once again, reality had intruded and I had let it.

He laughed it off but it's still bothering me. I don't really know what I could've done differently though. After all, it would've been kind of mean to hear his fantasy, all the time knowing it was impossible, and then springing the fact that I knew it wouldn't work on him when the fantasy was about to become reality. But I hate that I'm letting the reality get me down.

On jealousy

Richard and I have been living in a fantasy world for so long, it's hard when we have to make the transition to the real world. In a few short weeks I have found a job, and he has lost a job and found a new one. I've met his family and mentioned him to mine. We've had serious financial discussions and for the first time, there are hints of jealousy.

I've mentioned before that Richard and I have an open relationship and that has not changed since moving from a fantasy world. Having said that, most of our external relationships are still in the fantasy world. Well, a few months ago I met a man that I'll call Jake. He wants me to call him Mr. Right Now, but this is my blog and he doesn't always get what he wants. ;-)

Whenever I talk to someone new online, I find it takes a week or two to see how that relationship will really solidify. More often than not, you talk for one night and then that's it. Sometimes you talk for one night and then spend the next few months trading a few emails but never really reconnecting. Then there are guys who you talk to once a month or so. And then there are a few guys who you just really enjoy talking to and somehow schedules just work and you end up talking practically every day.

Jake is the latter. I love talking to him and he makes me smile and laugh and cum. I'd like to think that I do the same for him. His interests and personality are such that make him my ideal Dom, but not necessarily my ideal lover.

I've written before about how Richard doesn't feel like he could protect me if he needed to. Because of that, some of our more extreme fantasies may never come true. With Jake, that's really not an issue. He has the training and experience and sheer drive that would allow practically any of my fantasies to come true. Even the crazy ones.

Richard and I work because we are equals, and I choose to submit to him. That's the perfect relationship for me and for him. With Jake.... well, compared to him, I feel like Richard and I are children. He's only a year older than we are, but there seems to be a level of experience and maturity that we simply don't have. We may get there some day, but for now we're nowhere close. With Richard, I submit because I want to . With Jake, I would submit because I just wouldn't have a choice. And while that makes him my perfect Dom, it takes him too far from my perfect lover ideal.

Given that fact though, I can't blame Richard for being a little jealous. It probably doesn't help that when I first mentioned Jake to him, I said "So, last night I met a guy who thinks he's going to take me away from you." lol And just to clarify, Jake did originally say that. But after I met Richard and he knew I was in love with him, he backed off. He has no qualms about taking a girl from a guy, but he draws the line when she really loves a guy.

Over the last couple of weeks, there had been tiny little flash points where I wondered if Richard had issues with Jake. I would get a text from Jake while Richard and I were together and he would frown just a little. I asked him, but he swears that my message tone annoyed him. I had my doubts, but I let it go. Until this morning.

The last few nights I have been working late. I have been getting off at midnight and I have an hour drive back to my house. When work is really quiet, I end up texting people. Richard usually ends up sleeping around 9 or 10, but Jake has been awake much later. The last two nights I ended up talking to Jake as I drove home to stay awake and pulling over for a little phone sex before sleep.

But last night, I was just really missing Richard. I was also really really really horny and I wanted my man. I left Richard a message just in case he woke up around midnight and wanted to talk to me on the drive home. I knew he was probably sleeping so I wasn't surprised when that didn't happen.

I thought about calling Jake instead. He makes the drive home so quick and there are always wonderful moans at the end of the drive. But I knew that as much as I wanted to stay awake and as much as I needed to cum, I really wanted Richard. It wasn't fair to turn to Jake just because Richard wasn't around. I enjoy Jake for Jake's sake, but in that situation it would've seemed like he was my second choice and that's not fair. I don't think of him that way and I don't like doing things that put him in a second place position. So I drove home in silence and prayed that a horny cop would pull me over and fuck my brains out.

This morning, Richard got the message that I had left and called to apologize for being asleep. I told him not to be silly and somehow I ended up mentioning that Jake had had the "keep me awake" role for the last few nights.

Suddenly he went very very quiet and I didn't know how to fix it. He asked me what we talked about and I told him. I asked him why there was a problem with Jake. After all, no matter how much I enjoy Jake, I love Richard more. He's better for me than anyone else could ever be.

Richard says there isn't a problem and that we just hadn't talked much the last couple of days and he had wondered why. We had talked the last couple of days though, so obviously I'm doing something wrong. I'm not ok with the idea of stopping our open relationship. He wouldn't drop his playmates and I don't want to drop mine. But I need to find a way to make sure he knows that he will always be the most important.

Fantasy world sure is easier than real life sometimes.

On laughter

Last week I had a very interesting experience. Several of them, actually. These experience need a little background though, so bear with me.

I've known for a long time that money and all things relating to it would be the biggest issue Richard and I could ever have if our relationship continued. It was very obvious very quickly that he and I come from two different worlds. He comes from a world where it is reasonable for people to worry about getting fired and you're raised knowing how to deal with bailiffs and an admirable skill is knowing how to get out of bills and steal cable. And I.... well, I don't.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I was raised in a wealthy family. And recognising that he and I have different world-views makes me feel like a snob. But that's really far from the truth. I've got my fair share of debt and bad financial decisions and a bailiff or two in my past. The real issue is actually that we view money in a different way.

For the most part, if I don't have it, I don't spend it. If I can't pay my bills, I don't buy books and games. Being unable to pay a bill is a stressful thing for me and I'll do without food in order to pay it. It's stressful for him too, but he only gets really stressed when his utilities have been turned off for a month or so.

Last week and before, money was becoming an issue. He was the only one of us working since I was still looking for a job, but I was ending up spending most of the money. I didn't mind, but when I didn't have the money for my electric bill, suddenly I regretted some of the trips or meals or purchases. I knew I was getting anxious about it, but actually what I was more anxious about was the fact that I wasn't telling him.

I promised him honesty in all things, but because I'm worried that money will be a flash point for us, I put it aside and tried to deal with it myself. Keeping it from him frustrated me more than the issue itself did.

Then last week I ended up making a surprise visit back to my parent's house. Now, I love my parents very much. They are frugal, industrious people who have managed to create a life and a home that makes it look like they are much wealthier than they are. It is very important that they have things around them. It is very important to them that they have huge retirement funds and that my step-dad be the sole provider.

And when I saw that again, I remembered that money actually isn't that important to me. Yes, I want to pay my bills because someday I'd like to own a house and I'd like my credit score to be decent. But electricity and a house means nothing if you don't have laughter and smiles.

Unfortunately I only remembered this after snapping at Master for a moment, but that rift was repaired. The repair itself was fortunate, however, since the week was about to get more interesting. Master is now jobless, which will only make things more difficult. I got a job the next day and I'm loving it so far, but it will be another week before I get paid and I had more car trouble which drained my account entirely.

For every good thing that has happened, there have been negatives. But somehow, as long as I remember what is really important to me, I think we will be fine. Richard never seemed to lose sight of what was important. There is still love, and smiles, and laughter.

On tissues and tampons

I apologize in advance to any male readers out there. I'm not usually one for discussing menstrual cycles, but this time I'm making an exception. On day 18 of the period from hell, I feel I have the right to do so.

This has been an interesting weekend. It was my birthday a few days ago and I got to see Richard for the last few hours of it. It was really a nice day. I mean, it had no right to be because I got there 5 hours later than I wanted to, mostly due to still more car problems and a few other delays. But sometimes days are good despite all the problems.

He was sick with a cold and a touch of the man-flu. And he's passed the cold on to me, which I don't really mind. It's worth the time we spent cuddling to go through a few boxes of tissues. There wasn't much play time, but every moment we had was wonderful.

But now I'm back home alone and going through tissues and tampons by the box, and I'm feeling just a little miserable. Not bad, really, but.... well, it'd just be nice if I had someone here to take care of me. *smiles* I know I'm not an invalid and I'm not feeling THAT sick at the moment. But even just having someone rub my back would be comforting.

I'm trying not to be melodramatic about the whole blood loss thing, but after all this time I can't help but wonder if the dizzyness and exhaustion I'm feeling isn't partly from that. I keep trying to work up the energy to masturbate, since that always makes me feel better, even temporarily. But the energy and the desire just isn't there. It has been about a week since I have, and I'm pretty sure that's the longest I've gone since I was 15 or so. lol

Well, I guess I'll just have to wait all this out and know that soon I'll be feeling back to normal. And when I do, Richard and I can once again have incredible, playful sex. *grins*