On honesty

There is a quote from A Knight's Tale that struck a chord with me the moment I heard it. "Yes I lied! I'm a writer. I give the truth scope." I'm not a writer, unfortunately, so I can't quite get away with that. But I loved the idea of just... fleshing out the truth a little. Creatively.

I have never considered myself a dishonest person, but I know I can be creative when it serves my purposes. I should stress that I'm not talking about in real life. With friends, family, and people I care about, I am truthful. But in a chat room online, sometimes you just feel like playing a role.

When I first met the man who would become my Master, one of the first things he said to me was that he required honesty in everything I said. I remember raising an eyebrow and wondering who this arrogant person thought he was.... but I decided to give it a try. What harm could it do? It has been a hard lesson at times, but a good one.

Recently though, it seems like every relationship that ends around me could've been solved or helped with just a little honesty. All around me are unhappy people who could be happier if they just talked to their partner or their friends and just say how they feel. I'm not saying it's easy. It's not. But god, it's so freeing! Usually, anyway. Last night I discovered how hard it can be to be honest just by staying quiet.

Last night I was in a horrible mood. I had been crying most of the night for various reasons. I had finally gotten it under control and was watching Almost Famous when my husband got home from work. I wanted to share the movie with him. Or part of it anyway. But he wouldn't have liked it. Instead I talked to him about music for a little while, but it obviously wasn't something he was interested in.

I can talk about music and movies for hours. Hell, weeks. But he grew up in a practically media-free household and doesn't have the same knowledge or interest that I do. I always thought it was something he might develop if he had the exposure. Silly me.

Anyway, back to the point. I was obviously disappointed, but tried not to let it show. But as we were going to bed, he said "I'm sorry I'm not the man you want or need." My heart broke... but if I had told him that he was, I would've lied. This honesty thing becomes a habit. All I could do was tell him that I loved him.