On fat

I came across a blog today that I hadn't seen before. And it gave me the courage and motivation to write about something that I had held back about before.

I hate my body. I always have. Richard once asked me to tell him something I loved about it and I answered that I loved my lips. He told me he knew for a fact that I had beautiful hair and gorgeous eyes. This was before we met. And I agreed, but they still give me problems. He asked for something that I loved that was more... flesh based, shall we say. There was nothing. I literally thought of every part of my body, down to my toe nails, and there was nothing that I liked.

Now then, I need to qualify that statement with a few others. First and foremost, while this is a body image issue, it is NOT a case of a size 2 woman thinking she's fat. This is a case of a overweight woman knowing she's overweight and hating it. Second, while there may not be many things that I love about myself, there also aren't many things I would change. If I had a magic wand, I would get rid of the extra pounds and keep the rest. I may have stupid square-shaped fingernails, but they're mine and I wouldn't change them. Finally and most importantly, even though I hate my body, I do not hate myself.

In this post Firefey mentions different things that people think will happen when they are thin. I can't remember at time when I've ever done that. Forgive my arrogance, but I think I'm pretty awesome just the way I am. Personality-wise, at least. Instead, I think "If I were thin, I would be able to go to six flags again and ride all the roller coasters without being uncomfortable."

I am happy and content with my life and who I am right now. But I don't think anyone should ever be completely content. Part of what I love about my submission is the self-exploration that comes with it. I want to grow. Not in to a different person, but in to a more complete version of myself.

So I alternate between self-acceptance and self-betterment. I accept my body and my weight. I hate it, but I accept it. I walk around naked and I don't despair every time I see part of my body that is more than a little pudgy. But at the same time, if I don't like it, why shouldn't I try to change? I will never be a size 2, nor would I want to! My goals aren't sizes or even weights. In fact, what I consider my ideal weight would still be overweight by BMI standards. I just want to like the way I look.

I'm sure there are some people out there thinking that I could never be satisfied with the way I look. And they could be right. But I remember a time when I did. A little over a decade ago, I had a wreck that led to surgery, which led to an inability to be as active as I had previously been. But before that wreck, I enjoyed parts of my body.

I was still overweight. My calves were still round instead of lithe and my stomach still pooched. But round or not, my calves and thighs were muscular and tight. My arms were firm and my face was thinner and cute.

I still will not be able to be as active as I was back then, but there's no reason that I can't get parts of my body back to a place where I am satisfied. I will always have image issues. I always have and I always will. But my image issues have never stopped me from doing the things that I wanted to do or being the person I wanted to be.

There is one other thing to say on this matter. The dichotomy of of self-acceptance and self-betterment is exacerbated by Richard. This isn't a complaint about him, but merely a fact. He loves and accepts me for me. But he also wants me to lose weight. He also wants him to lose weight. He says it is because he wants us both to be healthy and I believe him. But every time he says it, I search his eyes and his tone, looking for any little bit of dissatisfaction.

We haven't talked about my body since we met. He has seen every inch of me, so there is no hiding. When we were trying to figure out where we stood with each other, obviously I was wondering if it was an issue. After the first time we had sex and I knew for a fact that he had seen everything I wanted to hide, I kept waiting for something to be said. I kept wondering if it was an issue, like I always worried that it would be.

The morning after, during breakfast, we were talking briefly again about if the relationship would continue and he said "From everything I've seen, there's no reason why it wouldn't." Right then, I put my concerns and worries out of my head.

There is still a possibility that there are parts of my body that he hates and wants to go nowhere near. There is still a possibility that he is disgusted by parts of me. I don't have the courage to ask because I'm afraid of the answer. He and I promised each other honesty and we have always given it, even when it was hard for one or both of us to hear. He would not lie now.

But if there are things that disgust him, he has decided that they don't matter. He still wants to be with me. And in the end, that's all that matters. Later, he asked me if my self-image concerns had been put to rest now that we had actually met. I believe my reply was "Oh god no!! Not even a little bit! But... the other morning you told me there was no reason not to be with me. So I figure that they don't matter."

Another time I will write more about image in general. But for now, I needed the cathartic experience of writing about my own body.