On wonderful nights

I had wondered how graphic I really wanted to be with this blog. But so far, I didn't feel I had that much to be graphic about. I can't write about physical sex because there is not physical sex in our relationship... not yet, anyway. The slow, sweet play time that we get, I'll keep to myself because that's just personal. I'll happily share the D/s side of things, but I'm not sure how graphic to get when it comes to the cross over to sex.

Last night was incredible! Once upon a time, we used to have huge play session that would last all day. I always measure the success of the day by how many times he cums, rather than how many times I do. Our record for one of these huge play sessions was 10, but it had been months since we'd had more than two. That sounds like a complaint but it's not... we just hadn't had as much time. Last night there were four though. *grins*

I don't even remember how the first one started, but I do remember it involved more toys than we'd used in awhile. Unfortunately it had been so long that the rechargable batteries had almost died. hehe

After that we calmed down, chatted, watched some videos, and then I mentioned a little party I had been invited to... the opening of a fetish club, which quickly brought on the second and third time. *giggles* As a side note, I was and am still debating whether or not to go, but Master has told me to go. I'll have to write about that debate later.

The fourth time was brought on by an oxygen deprived brain and a little misunderstanding. He wanted me to put in my ben wa balls and just relax with him. I somehow thought he wanted me to put in the new anal beads that I had bought but hadn't used. *grins wider* I love mistakes.

I ended up using those as well as the balls and walking/crawling around my house at his instruction, telling him exactly how it felt the whole time. *shivers* It was just... wow... hehe Don't know what else to say, honestly.

It was a really great night.

On being clingy

I have mentioned before that my Dom and I have an open relationship. As part of this, I have a couple of regular friends/playmates. They both understand their place in my life as I understand mine in theirs. One of them, however, is becoming dissatisfied with his place in my life.

He (let's call him George) is a very clingy, needy person in general. And it does get old after awhile. When we met, he had a girlfriend so most of that was passed on to her. They've split up now, and no matter how many other playmates he has, I still seem to be the one he clings to. We are friends, and I don't want to lose that friendship. But I get stressed almost every time I talk to him lately.

Now I fully admit that I can have a tendency to cling a little too, especially when I'm feeling down. But I don't cling to everyone. Only the man I love. And this got me thinking about being clingy.

My other playmate, Louis, is a lovely man. He is married and has two young sons. Normally I would be unhappy playing with a family man because I would never want anything I do to come in the way of his family. But in his case, his wife knows he has online playmates and encourages it.

Louis seems incredibly content with his life. He tries new things, always has a new hobby, and generally projects an air of happiness. He is someone I would like to meet someday, preferably with my Dom. Not necessarily for a play session, but just to go to dinner with him. Also I've recently found out that he makes whips (although he's not in to the BDSM lifestyle and doesn't use them) and honestly, I would love to have one from him. I think that would be lovely.

Louis's attitude toward me is that I am someone he loves and very much enjoys our time together. I don't say "I love you" quite so easily (if ever) but he is very special to me. I usually only talk to him about once a week and sometimes much much less. This is never a problem for either of us. We see each other when we do, we never plan for the next meeting, and no matter what we're doing, we both know that promptly at 4:15 he will leave to spend time with his family. And that's as it should be.

Between Louis's happiness and comfort and my Master's love, I have found a comfort in my relationship that I have never had before. I don't need to cling. But I also don't need to be afraid to cling. One night many months ago, Master and I were having a moment of disagreement. I was feeling clingy and didn't understand why I hadn't talked to him for a couple of days. R said to me "I'm not worried if I don't talk to you. Of course I want to see you, but I can read your journals to make sure you're ok. If we don't talk, I'm not concerned because I know that we love each other and that you'll still be here tomorrow."

I was stunned for a little while because I realised for the first time that my choices weren't just clinging to someone or keeping them at a distance. There was a third, much more relaxed, option of being able to walk away and know that they will still be there when you get back. Seems simple. I guess it wasn't.

On bad relationships

The other day I had a conversation with a friend about bad relationships. I was telling him about a submissive woman that I knew and I had concerns that her Master was not a very good dom. I've believed for a long time now that it is not necessarily an act that constitutes abuse; it is the intention and logic behind it. This is especially true in a BDSM relationship. What people in that relationship do is entirely consensual and as such, is not abusive. That does not mean that a dom can't be abusive though, because they can.

I have my own idea about what makes a good or bad dom. And my idea actually has nothing to do with my kinks and desires. It has to do with how he takes responsibility for himself and his sub. I think lots of subs and other Doms would agree with these things, because I have heard many people say similar things.

But who am I to pass judgement on another person's relationship? If one sub's opinion on what makes a bad dom is different to everyone else's, does that mean she's wrong? I don't really think it does.

I think most people involved in this sort of lifestyle are used to having judgements passed against them. It hurts when we feel that our choices are challenged. But more often than not, it strengthens our resolve to continue making those choices. Personally I think that's a good thing. But does that mean that we're less likely to listen if a friend (even one that can accept the lifestyle) is concerned about our relationship?

The friend I was talking to suddenly decided to express some minor concerns he had about my relationship. I respect him for being brave enough to voice these concerns, but I think he's wrong.

He feels like my Master neglects me. I'm sure this is almost entirely my fault. I don't tell him about all the wonderful times my Master pampers me and showers me with love an affection and attention because those times are special and private to me. I don't want to share them. But I am likely to mention in passing that I haven't talked to him in a few days. I need to watch what I say, really.

By my friend's standards, my Master certainly does neglect me. My friend is very clingy and wants to be permanently attached to his girl. Or to his friends, for that matter. Neither R nor I want that type of relationship, so I don't consider it neglectful if I don't talk to him for 10 hours every day.

It's true, sometimes I do wish he paid a little more attention to things I've said or something I want. But he's my Master. I can express displeasure if I get that unhappy, but ultimately he will decide what we do and when. It is difficult giving up that control to him, but I love doing it and wouldn't change it for the world.

But if it were another problem, would I reject my friend's concerns outright? Or would I listen to see if it has some validity?

On porn laws

A new law has just been passed in my country that targets violent pornographic images. Now that's all well and good I suppose, but how do you define violent? They say they're targeting the extreme end of the spectrum, where real woman are really raped and killed. Correct me if I'm wrong, but weren't those things already being targeted?

It says it's a law against necrophilia and bestiality, which is fine I guess, except that this kind of porn was already illegal! It also says it's a law against "violence that is life threatening or likely to result in serious injury to the anus, breasts or genitals."

Life threatening? Well there goes asphyxiation. Serious injury? What about those people who like nipple and genital torture. People who want to be caned and whipped until they bleed? Oh, and mutilation was in there too. But there are people who consider piercings mutilation.

Here's the thing that I really don't understand though: necrophilia, bestiality, rape murder... all those things are illegal acts. Whether or not that is your kink, it makes some degree of sense that pictures of those acts would also be illegal. But the "violence" they're referring to is a basic part of many relationships! And it's not illegal.

It's perfectly legal for my partner to wrap his hand around my throat while we're fucking, squeezing until I almost black out and then tell me to cum............ *shakes head* sorry, slipped in to fantasy world for a second. Back to my rant! It may be life threatening, I don't deny it. But it's our choice, it's our kink, and it's perfectly consensual and legal.

How can it be illegal to have pictures of a legal act? Am I the only one who thinks this is completely barking mad?

On resolution

I suppose I should finish the story I started the other day. Meta's comment about her Master usually making it up to her reminded me that I probably shouldn't leave it at that.

I should point out that we both got to cum on Wednesday night, but it wasn't the vocal, D/s session that we both really needed. It was wonderful, but it wasn't what we had planned. I knew that session had to come. Not because I was owed it or because he was making it up to me, but because we both needed and wanted it. We talked on Thursday, but there was no playtime. I had Friday morning to myself, but we usually talk at night so I wasn't expecting much.

I was surprised when he signed on because I fully expected him to be asleep. We talked for awhile about this and that and then somehow got on to tattoos. I am planning to get one on my foot. I've wanted one there for years, but only recently found the design I wanted. Now I'm just saving the money. I asked him to help me decide about something... whether I should get it now, or pay off more of my credit card.

He was trying to help me think through all aspects of the choice, including the tattoo itself. He just watched his brother get a tattoo on his shoulder blade, so now he thinks he's the expert on the subject in this relationship, even though I have significantly more knowledge and experience in the body mod world. But I love him for it. *chuckles*

He asked me how high I thought my pain threshold was and I got a little irate. I wasn't an idiot, I knew it would hurt. And bad, given the location. But I knew what I was getting in to. I snapped something sarcastic about how I canepilate all the hairs on my body and how I volunteered to be a pin cushion for a trainee piercer so I was pretty sure it was high enough to not pass out.

Normally I can hear his Uber-Dom side coming out. This time I missed it. Maybe because I was irate, maybe because we were feeling a little disconnected. I've said before that I usually only call him Master when we're playing. I try to treat him with respect at all times and too much teasing will usually earn me a look, at the very least. But things were disconnected and weren't running as smoothly as they should.

So my sarcastic comment earned me a "twist your nipples, whore. Hard." Silly me thought he was testing my pain threshold rather than taking that much needed play time. I did it, but when he asked me again how high my threshold was, I answered without calling him Master. He gave me several chances and I still didn't do it.

Finally he asked if I knew why my nipples were now aching and I said I didn't. He tried to give me a hint, and I met that with sarcasm and back talk too. Eventually I got the hint. Then he told me to turn on my cam.

Now, I hate having my cam on. I'll have to talk about why another day, but suffice it to say that it is as close as we get to humiliation. Being able to do what he asks on cam is the ultimate submission for me. And I still haven't quite gotten there. I'll talk about that eventually too. *chuckles* I turned it on without protest though.

What followed wasn't perfect submission (because I couldn't bring myself to do what he asked of me) and it wasn't amazing sex (because I was so nervous and feeling terrible about not obeying orders). But it was exactly what we needed.

I had been used. We didn't use toys that time and he didn't make me wait for permission to cum (which is extremely rare) but it put me back in my place and reminded me that I am his sub. And more importantly, that I want to be his sub.

The past couple of days, any sarcasm or complaint has been met with a metaphorical tug on my leash rather than silence. He's not letting me get away with anything. And I've never been happier. *grins*

On waiting

On Monday, R and I realised that we hadn't had much time together recently. Certainly not the kind of time we have been used to. Because it's an online relationship, our play is usually over voice chat or text, and occasionally we use our cams. For some reason, it's just not that frequent. But normally we talk.

A couple of months ago, my headphones broke... again. Long story short, I had a couple of cheap pair that kept breaking. I asked my mum for a specific pair if they still made them in the states, because I had had those for about 5 years and they were awesome. They didn't have them, but she decided she needed to spend an arm and a leg on a new pair, even though I begged her not to. *sighs* Anyway when an expensive pair breaks, I can't justify not trying to fix them. So for the last month or so, he's been able to hear himself talk just barely in the background. It makes playtime a little odd and makes talking to him when someone else is in the house impossible.

To add to that, my husband has been working less recently. And that's a good thing, for him. He had been working about 80 hours a week, which is just rediculous. He would normally have at least 3 days where he worked from 9am to 1am. Now he's working closer to 50 hours, which is still a lot, but not near as much. he's only had one 9-1 shift in three weeks. Great for him and for me, because I do like having him around... not so good for me and my Dom.

Anyway, back to the story... sorry for all the background. We realised that we hadn't heard each other cum in days. In fact, we hadn't played at all some days, which is pretty rare for us. For the first time, we had to plan to spend time together. We decided Wednesday night would be the ideal time... as long as he was awake.

I knew things didn't bode well when he barely slept all day Tuesday. Wednesday came and went (technically). A little after midnight, he signed on. He was just as disappointed and frustrated as I was, but that didn't help much, somehow. He hadn't been sleeping, but he hadn't been able to get on the computer. His brother had been around.

I wasn't mad at him, or mad at all, really. But I was sad and frustrated. He tried to be very sweet and cuddly and loving, but I just didn't want to be touched. I've never been like that before with him, and I didn't want to tell him how I was feeling. I was worried that if I told him I was upset, he would think it was directed at him. It wasn't... it was just at the situation.

But I told him and he took it perfectly. He backed off and we just chatted for awhile, reading the news, looking at pictures, etc... He handled it so well, in fact, I was perfectly happy and feeling cuddly again within a few minutes.

So here's a question for all the subbies out there... when your dom fucks up (as we all do... we're only human, after all) how do you handle it? Do you stay quiet and let him sort it out himself? Or do you express your displeasure or concern or whatever else you're feeling without being disrespectful?

On separate lives

In the last couple of days, my husband's life has changed drastically. His father just left his mum for her best friend, who also happened to be his best friend's wife. Apparently they've been having an affair for the past year. As far as my husband was concerned, his parents had a very happy marriage and this was completely out of the blue. It's been a bit of a shock for everyone. Every day it seems something new happens that makes the situation worse.

As for me, I always liked my father-in-law. I never thought they had a perfect marriage but I don't think anyone ever does. I can understand having problems and wanting out of a situation, but I can't understand going about it the way he has. He called me the day after he left, basically trying to use me as a source of information on his wife and kids. I was trying to be as neutral as possible, but... it put me in an awkward situation that I didn't want to be in, and I told him this.

Anyway, on to the point of this blog... This was a major part of my life in the last few days. It effects my house, people I love, and me. I normally try to keep a separation between my husband and my Master, mostly out of respect for both of them. But this wasn't about my husband really, and I wanted to share with R.

My Master has never asked me to keep that separation. He is not jealous of my husband, but he does get angry and frustrated with him. He gets frustrated because my husband is going to watch as I walk away instead of fixing anything to keep me (his words, not mine). He feels it is much less than I deserve. But if nothing else, my husband is my friend. I may not be in love with him, but I do love him very much. So when R gets angry and frustrated with someone I love, it's going to cause problems between us.

So when I came to him about the events of the past few days, he wasn't overly comfortable. I could more than understand why, but it still hurt. He didn't tell me to change the subject and deal with it myself, but he did encourage me to talk to another friend rather than him. It was weird because I felt a little rejected, even though I could more than understand why.

We talked about how I felt later (because he'd been up for about 36 hours and fell asleep in the middle of the conversation) and I was completely honest with him. I'd mostly gotten over that feeling of rejection while he slept, because I could hardly just stew in it for hours. So I asked him if he wanted to know about that part of my life or if he wanted it completely edited out. He decided that he wanted to know what was happening in my life, he has to know all of it. So whether he was uncomfortable with it or not, if I needed to talk, he would be there for me.

We then talked about it for a long time, even though I didn't really need to anymore. I knew he has asked to know, but I still think I would try to keep that separation as often as I can. It's not respectful to my husband and it's not fair on my dom to do otherwise.