On laughter

21 October 2009

Last week I had a very interesting experience. Several of them, actually. These experience need a little background though, so bear with me.

I've known for a long time that money and all things relating to it would be the biggest issue Richard and I could ever have if our relationship continued. It was very obvious very quickly that he and I come from two different worlds. He comes from a world where it is reasonable for people to worry about getting fired and you're raised knowing how to deal with bailiffs and an admirable skill is knowing how to get out of bills and steal cable. And I.... well, I don't.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I was raised in a wealthy family. And recognising that he and I have different world-views makes me feel like a snob. But that's really far from the truth. I've got my fair share of debt and bad financial decisions and a bailiff or two in my past. The real issue is actually that we view money in a different way.

For the most part, if I don't have it, I don't spend it. If I can't pay my bills, I don't buy books and games. Being unable to pay a bill is a stressful thing for me and I'll do without food in order to pay it. It's stressful for him too, but he only gets really stressed when his utilities have been turned off for a month or so.

Last week and before, money was becoming an issue. He was the only one of us working since I was still looking for a job, but I was ending up spending most of the money. I didn't mind, but when I didn't have the money for my electric bill, suddenly I regretted some of the trips or meals or purchases. I knew I was getting anxious about it, but actually what I was more anxious about was the fact that I wasn't telling him.

I promised him honesty in all things, but because I'm worried that money will be a flash point for us, I put it aside and tried to deal with it myself. Keeping it from him frustrated me more than the issue itself did.

Then last week I ended up making a surprise visit back to my parent's house. Now, I love my parents very much. They are frugal, industrious people who have managed to create a life and a home that makes it look like they are much wealthier than they are. It is very important that they have things around them. It is very important to them that they have huge retirement funds and that my step-dad be the sole provider.

And when I saw that again, I remembered that money actually isn't that important to me. Yes, I want to pay my bills because someday I'd like to own a house and I'd like my credit score to be decent. But electricity and a house means nothing if you don't have laughter and smiles.

Unfortunately I only remembered this after snapping at Master for a moment, but that rift was repaired. The repair itself was fortunate, however, since the week was about to get more interesting. Master is now jobless, which will only make things more difficult. I got a job the next day and I'm loving it so far, but it will be another week before I get paid and I had more car trouble which drained my account entirely.

For every good thing that has happened, there have been negatives. But somehow, as long as I remember what is really important to me, I think we will be fine. Richard never seemed to lose sight of what was important. There is still love, and smiles, and laughter.

On tissues and tampons

13 October 2009

I apologize in advance to any male readers out there. I'm not usually one for discussing menstrual cycles, but this time I'm making an exception. On day 18 of the period from hell, I feel I have the right to do so.

This has been an interesting weekend. It was my birthday a few days ago and I got to see Richard for the last few hours of it. It was really a nice day. I mean, it had no right to be because I got there 5 hours later than I wanted to, mostly due to still more car problems and a few other delays. But sometimes days are good despite all the problems.

He was sick with a cold and a touch of the man-flu. And he's passed the cold on to me, which I don't really mind. It's worth the time we spent cuddling to go through a few boxes of tissues. There wasn't much play time, but every moment we had was wonderful.

But now I'm back home alone and going through tissues and tampons by the box, and I'm feeling just a little miserable. Not bad, really, but.... well, it'd just be nice if I had someone here to take care of me. *smiles* I know I'm not an invalid and I'm not feeling THAT sick at the moment. But even just having someone rub my back would be comforting.

I'm trying not to be melodramatic about the whole blood loss thing, but after all this time I can't help but wonder if the dizzyness and exhaustion I'm feeling isn't partly from that. I keep trying to work up the energy to masturbate, since that always makes me feel better, even temporarily. But the energy and the desire just isn't there. It has been about a week since I have, and I'm pretty sure that's the longest I've gone since I was 15 or so. lol

Well, I guess I'll just have to wait all this out and know that soon I'll be feeling back to normal. And when I do, Richard and I can once again have incredible, playful sex. *grins*

On metaphors

2 October 2009

Master has amazing hair. Bear with me, I'm going somewhere with this, I promise. It's dark brown but... well, the roots are completely blonde. He looks like a kid that took a mud bath. It's naturally like that, and it just makes him seem to... well, shine, really.

I've been musing on this since I last saw him, but today I was able to form words. He and I were talking about a wedding we're supposed to go to next year. My best friend Maria just got engaged. She is the only one who knows about him (and she has known about him from the beginning) and so she offered me a +1, but only if he is the one I'm bringing. *grins*

She and I were talking about table seating and she suggested I sit at the top table. But partners were going to have to be at another table, and I couldn't picture leaving Richard on his own. For one thing, he wouldn't know anyone there. For another.... well, this particular group of people wouldn't necessarily get his particular brand of humour. Fortunately there wasn't that much room at the top table, so I politely stepped down. But I mentioned this to him and he agreed. He would either step on a lot of toes accidentally or end up being a wall flower.

I can't picture him as a wall flower. Ok, sometimes my Master talks too much. And sometimes he's too hyper. But that's what I love about him. The man glows! I could watch him talking and laughing for hours. And even when he is talking too much, I don't really want to stop him.

I said this to him also and he asked for clarification. Eventually I compared him to the sun. When he's hyper, it's like a hot summer day with no wind. The sun would blind you if you looked anywhere near it and the heat is a little oppressive. When he's happy and laughing, it's like any other day when the sun is shining. It's beautiful and makes you smile just because. You feel comforting warmth all around you. You can feel the life-giving rays on your skin. And when he's sad or angry, it's like a cloudy day. You know the sun is there, but there's no warmth. You can't see it. And you just have to wait until the sun shines again.

The sun has been a male symbol for centuries. I could always understand why in theory. But now I see the reality of the sun in my male.

I asked him if I was like the moon, to see if I could continue the metaphor. His response was

"No my dear. You are the trees of the rain forest. You thrive off of my greatest moods, and I get to see you grow in response."

*grins* Not the answer I was looking for, but I know he would never simply agree with me. He comes up with his own ideas and analogies. And that's another thing I love.