On being out of sync

27 February 2009

Last night, playtime with R just... didn't work. I mean, we both came and it was fine, but it felt like something was off.

This is another one of those times when I really hate that our relationship is only online (But I did just book the hotel for him to come over in a few months, so YAY!!). We both wanted to play, but I don't think either one of us really wanted to work at it. Physical work is fine, but I think we just wanted to switch off mentally and enjoy it. Doesn't really work that way when you're not physically together. *sighs*

We still haven't gotten back to having as much time together as we used to, so this was the first playtime we've had in several days. I think I was a little disappointed. When it was over, I didn't feel satisfied. I was physically sated, but we hadn't gotten that connection that we usually have, and I miss that just as much as the rest.

I didn't want to say anything, but my body seems to understand this whole honesty thing better than my brain does, so suddenly my mouth was opening and words were coming out. I asked if it was just me or if that felt really disconnected. In the split second before his answer came, I was so nervous. I hoped he wouldn't think I was criticizing or complaining and I really hoped he wouldn't be upset.

All he said was "Yep" but it was said in such a way that I knew he meant "Yeah, that wasn't the greatest, but it happens and it'll be better next time. No worries!" hehe I love how men can do that. Or maybe it's just that women read too much in to what they way. *grins*

On normality

24 February 2009

A few nights ago, my Dom and I were having a mini-tiff over "normal". I think it started with plastic surgery, as it usually does. He doesn't understand how I can understand body modification in the piercing/tattoos/implants sense but hate the idea of plastic surgery. Just to be clear, he's not saying either are a good thing, he's just challenging my beliefs.

The conversation itself doesn't matter, but the idea that everyone wants to be normal and accepted does matter. Obviously the definition of "normal" depends on your society and your friends and everything else, but maybe people just feel more understood if they are "normal".

The problem I have is this: I don't remember ever feeling like that. I'm not saying that I am entirely comfortable in my own skin because god knows I'm not. But I don't really worry that other people are judging me. When I'm uncomfortable, it's because I'm judging myself.

I've read so many blogs about people questioning why they like the things they do, and I've never experienced that. I remember when I was younger and I had the vague impression that masturbation was bad, since I grew up in a very religious home where sex was never discussed. But I never felt bad about anything I enjoyed. I didn't question it, I didn't wonder... I just enjoyed it.

I have questioned my desire to submit and why I have chosen to submit to this man when I've never met anyone else that I would have. But I've never thought anything was wrong with me for feeling the way I do. It almost makes me wonder if something is wrong with me for just accepting my interests when so many other people struggle for understanding.

I think the struggle can be a positive thing. It reaffirms what your interests truly are. Maybe I'm missing out.

On miscommunication

19 February 2009

God, sometimes I hate being online. I certainly hate having an online relationship at times. It's so easy to mis-read a tone of "voice" or for the webcam to freeze and miss a very important look. And I hate being and feeling responsible for those things, despite trying my hardest. It's really just technology that's working against me.

Today was just one of those days, I think. Miscommunications and frustrations everywhere. I failed to make a connection between two things he was showing me over his cam (mind you, he didn't tell me there was a connection or anything else, he just put things in front of the lens and I was supposed to read his mind) and he got frustrated with me. The odd thing was, this was the first time he had ever gotten frustrated when his cam was on, so it's the first time I saw his reaction. It threw me, if I'm honest. After all, I'd made a lot of connections already with no clues and I thought that was pretty impressive. Besides, the only reason I hadn't made this connection was because the cam didn't focus very well and I missed a tiny detail.

I asked him not to be frustrated (actually, I probably told him not to *blushes*) and that it wasn't my fault the cam wasn't very clear. We had been typing at that point, but that earned me a call. He wasn't too happy, to say the least. But I still thought I had a good point. I was doing my best with no help from him and technology was getting in our way. That wasn't my fault! And I certainly didn't deserve his frustration.

Anyway, it was dealt with and we moved on, but we didn't really. It still felt like there was a mood between us. It ended up being one of those days when we just called it quits, knowing that if we gave each other a little space things would be fine when we came back.

I'm not saying there won't be days like that when/if we're actually together. God knows there will probably be more of them. But I hate that this one was caused by such a stupid miscommunication. Well.... that and my smart mouth that doesn't like being wrong.

On last week

18 February 2009

I hadn't realised how long it had been since I've written here. It felt like I didn't really have much to say. All seems to be right in the world again. There were a couple of days last week where everyone I knew was depressed. Three of the four significant men in my life were completely down and they all wanted to cling to me, it seemed. I never used to mind that. I could let people cling, comfort them, cheer them up, and then move on when they were ok again. This time it really dragged at me. But now it's on an upswing again, so bonus! hehe

My Dom was the only man who seemed to be ok through all of this. He has had his bad moments, as we all do, but recently life is going well for him. And we've started making plans for him to come over here for a week. My marriage will be over in May (so anything I write will probably be pretty maudlin in the next few months) and he will probably be here at the end of June.

We had talked about it all along, assuming this relationship continued. We both want to take things slow. I'm not leaving my husband for him. My marriage was over a long time ago and has practically nothing to do with my Dom. I'm not going from one bed to another. So we wanted to have this meeting to figure out how well we really do get on in real life. And to give me an idea of where I'll be moving.

No matter what, I won't be moving in to his house or his town. But depending on how well things go, it might be the next town over or it might be the next state over. Or if we don't get along at all, it'll be New Mexico, where I always wanted to live. *chuckles*

But right now I'm not thinking that far ahead. Even his trip is too far ahead, really. But I'm so excited about it! Nervous too. He had this biorythmns application on his phone (for some reaon... god knows why) that he didn't particularly believe but thought it was interesting. I asked him to check what his day was supposed to be like on the day we're planning to meet. Apparently his emotional reading was VERY low. I got him to check mine since it works on your date of birth and apparently my emotional reading was practically as high as it can get.

So even though neither of us believe that it'll really tell us anything, I've now got it in my head that I'll be head over heels in love with him, and he'll be disappointed in me. Which, of course, was my worry all along. *chuckles* He calmly reminded me that he loves me and that we're both worried about our first meeting. We're both excited about it too though.

Those thoughts wouldn't get out of my head, so he decided to sing a song that I've been trying to keep out of my head for about a month now. Did any of you ever watch the elephant show on nikelodeon when you were a kid? Anyway, it's that song and it's horrible. But it worked as he intended. Every time I think about that biorythmn reading, the song comes along with it. *grins* It's a pretty decent deterrent.

On sexual labels

12 February 2009

This morning I read Meta's post on labeling sexuality and it reminded me of something that I had been wanting to write about for awhile. She is questioning desires and inclinations and trying to figure out what it means for her and for a potential future relationship. In some ways, I seem to be going through the exact opposite.

I have had sexual experiences with women before. In fact, depending on how you define virginity, you could say I lost my virginity to a woman. *thinks for a second and then blushes* Well, several women, actually. *giggles to myself* When I was 14 there was a very stoned sleepover orgy worthy of any school boy's fantasy. I have kissed women over the years as well, but I have never considered myself bi.

My Dom knows this and as always, he is keen to help me sort out my own desires and make sure that I understand myself. In this case we disagree because I feel like I understand myself perfectly well. I am more than happy to have sex with another woman, with or without my man. Preferably with. But it's not something I desire.

I can look at a woman and say she is beautiful, but I am not attracted to women. I have never looked at a woman and thought "holy god... all I want right now is to have her in my bed and my tongue up her pussy!" That may seem extreme, but I've certainly thought something along those lines about a man. I can be attracted to a woman's personality, but it's not that same gut wrenching lust that I feel with a man.

I get the feeling Master still wants me to say I'm bi. I've asked him why it matters what I label myself. I'm perfectly happy and open to both genders so it's not like it affects our repertoire of play. I'm comfortable with my label of "straight but adventurous" although I'd never heard "heteroflexible" until I read Meta's entry. I like it. *grins*

Just to give an example, the friend I mentioned yesterday is extremely open and will try anything. She will do things just to try them out and just to say she has. I have conflicted feelings about this, if I'm honest, but mostly I figure you can't really know what you like until you try. She is not in any way submissive but neither is she particularly dominant. It's all about the sex for her. It's not about love or a relationship or a deeper understanding... it's just about the experience.

I was fairly stunned to discover that she had tried pony play though. For my own personal interests, that goes beyond what I would be comfortable with. It has a deeper meaning and significance. For her, it's just a saddle on her back. It means nothing but it's interesting. I guess that's how I feel about playing with other women. I can love them very deeply as friends. But when it comes to sex, it's just sex. It's just a different sensation with no deeper meaning or significance.

On friends

11 February 2009

Wow... what a weekend...... I know it's Wednesday already, but I feel like I've been recovering.

One of my best friends came up to see me, braving ice and snow and her own horrific driving skills. Unfortunately I only get to see her a handful of times every year. She was here last summer, a couple of months after I became R's submissive. She had known for years about problems my husband and I have and she is easily the most sexually open person I know. I might count myself in close second, but she has to win. *chuckles*

At the time, Master had pushed for me to tell her about him but it wasn't an instruction. He knew even then how important she was to me and how important it is to have someone to talk to. I had said quite simply that I would think about it. Events conspired so that my husband would be out of town that weekend, leaving us with the house all to ourselves. I didn't tell her straight away... I think it took a whole 20 minutes before I could. lol

She took it all in stride and we talked a lot. In fact, we didn't really stop talking for three days. She even got to meet and talk to R. Well, as much as you can online, anyway. It was an incredible weekend. I could go on about it for pages, but I won't. Suffice it to say that I felt more whole than I had in years.

I knew this weekend just gone wouldn't be the same. My husband was home and mostly off work, for one thing. My relationship with my Dom has deepened and changed. It's not just fun kinky sex anymore (not that it was originally, but it was in her eyes). I love him. I have plans to meet him. When I move back to the states, I hope to move within a few hours of him if the initial meeting goes well. All of these things are up in the air and there are no real solid plans, but all of these are things I wanted to talk to her about.

As soon as I even started to mention one of them, I got a quick reminder that she was fine with this relationship as long as it's about sex. If it's about love, she doesn't want to know. And that really really hurt.

I can understand why though. She likes my husband, even though she makes him incredibly uncomfortable and he probably only said 10 words to her all weekend. She likes us together, if for no other reason than that we're friends. She doesn't want to see either of us hurt. And most importantly, she doesn't want me to move.

But still... it's just another little reminder that I can't be entirely myself with anyone. Not just yet. Maybe after things with my husband are sorted, she will be completely ok with all facets of my relationship with my Dom.

In the meantime, I'm really looking forward to tonight. My husband is away tonight and won't be back until very late tomorrow night. That means I can walk around naked, spread my toys out, stay up 'til all hours talking to Master, and just generally have a wonderful and relaxed time. Obviously, R and I have a lot of things we need to catch up on over the last few weeks. Girl-crazies, disobedience, my friend, some issues of his own that he brought up...... I fully expect some tears of sadness and pain to go right along side the laughter and orgasms. That's ok though. It's all part of the relationship.

Actually, I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high. Things always seem to backfire when I really really want it. *smiles*

On feminism

8 February 2009

I consider myself a feminist happily and openly. I'm not overly passionate about it (the term I would use in every day life is Feminazi) but I do believe that women are just as valuable as men and deserve equal opportunities. Emphasis on the "equal."

What anyone chooses to do with those equal opportunities should be entirely up to them. As a brief example, my sister is incredibly intelligent. She is very political, has learned to speak Arabic, French and Spanish in her spare time (not as a class) and dreamed of being an advisor for the white house at some point. There is a shocking lack of people in government who speak Arabic, considering the current state of the world. And I don't mean politicians, I mean advisors, translators, etc... I won't say that I always agree with her politics but I loved that she had a dream and the passion to make it work.

But now instead of going back to college to get her next degree and make a start on this dream, she has decided to have children and wait. I respect her choice because it is what she desperately wants. I admit that I feel a little apprehensive about a few things and mildly disappointed that someone of such intelligence and passion isn't going to follow through with her dreams... but she is, really. Just a different dream. Who knows, maybe she'll change the world through her children. To me, that's what feminism is all about. Choice.

I won't bother writing about how I reconcile feminism and submission. I have nothing to say on the subject that hasn't been said in a thousand other blogs. But the other day I came across a blog written by a feminist domme. Hardly shocking, really, except that she claimed to have dedicated her life to making sure that all men knew they were scum. To treating men like the worms they are and to forcing them to recognise the superiority of women in every aspect of life. Her words, obviously.

I was stunned. It occured to me that if I saw a dom's blog that said that all women everywhere should submit because they were the inferiour to men and that all women should recognise the superiority of a penis (no matter who the penis is attatched to) I would decide he was a horrible dom and run a mile!! Why should it be any different for a domme? Why should anyone have to build themselves up by tearing someone else down? That is, frankly, pretty childish behaviour.

Personally, I think making generalisations about any group of people based on a feature or two is incredibly wrong. I do not submit to my Master because he has a penis. I do not submit to all men because I have a vagina. I do not believe that I should submit or that I am not as good as a man and need protection. I submit because I choose to. I submit to my Master because I love and trust him and I believe he deserves my respect. My submission is a gift that is freely given and graciously accepted. Why should gender have anything to do with it?

On intentional disobedience

4 February 2009

Since my last post, I've only spoken to my Dom once. And it was a fairly tense conversation. I do so love those quirky irony gods. Whenever something is going well, you just know it'll bite you in the ass. Especially if you tell people how great it is.

I had planned to write about the tension... but I don't want to just yet because it hasn't been resolved. And the way things are going, I don't know when it will be resolved. I know the other day I mentioned that wonderful third option of letting the other person go and knowing things will be the same when they get back. Well, the irony gods decided to put that to the test and I more-or-less failed.

I struggle with some forms of submission but I don't usually struggle against submission itself. I do when I'm angry though. I lash out and generally act like a child. I tell him how I'm feeling, but all I can do is write it in my journals. If he's not around or chooses not to read them, there's nothing I can do about that. I feel impotent. So I lash out where I can. I go through my favourites folder deleting links he sent me. Or get rid of pictures that he sent that I didn't really like. Or skip over any music that reminds me of him. I try to erase part of his influence in my life. It's so stupid.

Today I did something a little worse. We're both huge anime fans and there are a couple of shows that we watch together. Two he has seen before and wanted to share with me and another we're both watching for the first time. This is a huge exercise in patience and submission for me, because the two that he has seen before, I have access to as well. I see the files every day and have to pass them by. It should be noted that this restriction doesn't stop him from watching the episodes before I see them... but *shrugs* He's the Dom.

Occasionally I mention that I'd really like to watch one. Sometimes we do, sometimes we don't. This is worse than orgasm denial for me, it really is. Today I watched one of them. The whole series. Now, it had been 5 months since we had watched this particular show, but that's no excuse. Only a couple of weeks ago during one of my "why can you watch it but I can't?!" sessions he asked me if I wanted to be released from my restrictions. I don't know if he would've given me that release if I asked for it, but the truth is I love watching it with him. So I said no.

And now I've gone and watched it anyway. More out of spite than actual desire to watch. *sighs* So now I know I need to tell him what I've done. But we still have this over-riding issue that needs to be dealt with. I hate this long distance thing.