Richard and I are done. We could've stayed together, but I felt like I wasn't giving him the respect as he deserves. I don't even mean as a dom, but even just as a lover and a person. He wanted to try to work things out and stay together, but I don't feel like there was anything he was doing wrong. I just clearly wasn't ready to be in a committed (even if it was open) relationship again.

I thought about closing this blog at the end of the relationship. After all, I'm barely writing in it anymore. But I started it originally because I felt lost, and I feel lost again. I knew I'd been feeling down the last few days (breakups and more snow tend to do that), but when I got to work I saw that we had a new Suicide Girls book. I grabbed that and practically every tattoo mag we sell, and sat down to read them all. I knew this wasn't really normal for me, but it wasn't until I was half way through the book that I realised I was searching for myself.

I'm not sure I can explain that, but I'll try. I've always loved looking through suicide girls stuff. I still maintain that I'm not bi, but damn some of those girls are cute! And it's not really because of their features, but because of the intelligence you see in their eyes, the creativity you see all over their bodies, and the comfort you see in the way they work with the camera. That's just a side note. hehe In my experience, many modified girls are searching for themselves (as are most people, they're just doing it through mods), but they're comfortable with that search and with their transitions.

Until recently, I felt the same way. I'm not the person I want to be yet but that person is slowly emerging. I felt like I sculptor and I was content to chip away tiny pieces until I'm content with my sculpture. There was no desperation to my search, and I even thought I knew what the sculpture inside the stone would look like. Inside this fat, relatively plain (but still pretty cute) girl is a gorgeously curvy girl with beautiful tattoos and bright red dreadlocks down to my ass... oh, and great tits! I should point out that the real me is probably somewhere between those two, and that the "finished" me probably won't be like I picture it. I probably won't have the dreads. lol And I should also point out that the changes I want to make are purely external. I'm pretty happy with who I am internally, although I have no doubt that that will change too.

But suddenly I'm feeling a little desperation. Many of my life's decisions seems to have a degree of finality to them and that's worrying me a little. When I left Patrick, I knew there was a chance I was giving up on the chance of having children. I wasn't sure I even wanted them, but still... I'm perfectly aware of my age, and while it's still very young, it's not young enough to spend years and years with a partner before even thinking about having kids, like I would like to. It could still happen (and I'm still not sure I want kids), and I could always adopt, but I gave up on planning for kids when I left.

Now that Richard and I have split, I feel like I'm giving up on love too. Well, that's not true. I feel like I've given up on romantic, long-lasting, gut-wrenching love. But since I'm not even sure it existed, I'm trying to figure out why it's bothering me to give up on it.

It's not just our split that's triggering this. It's also the fact that I belong to someone else. Someone who loves me (and vice versa) but who has no romantic interest in me. His rules are very clear. He wants me to enjoy what we do, but his pleasure comes first. It took me awhile to learn that commenting on how hot and fuckable some random guy is wasn't really a good idea. Having said that, ultimately he wants me to be happy. So if there is a guy I want to date, no problem.

Except, there are actually a couple problems. The biggest one is that I don't WANT to date anyone! God knows I am not ready for that right now. I think I've just proven that. But that means unless I'm dating, I don't get tenderness and affection in my life. Actually, that's a complete lie, because he is extremely affectionate. But that's the friend part of our relationship, not the sex part. I can't imagine tenderness with our sex, nor should there be. After, yes, but that's different. And even then I can't imagine getting one of those deep, toe-curling soul kisses.

It would be wrong of me to date someone just for kisses, and I wouldn't do that to some guy. But can I stay sane in a situation with love, affection, sex, but no kisses? What worries me most is that I'm not reconsidering any of this. lol It feels right to be his pet, even with no kisses and potential future pain.

But I don't know how to be his and still keep searching for me. When I was still in a relationship with Richard, there was still a part of my life that was just for me. Now I don't have that. I'm not the person I want to be yet, I'm searching for myself, but at the same time I'm losing the major area in my life where being an individual is important. Part of my identity is his pet. And that sends shivers down my spine. It also scares the crap out of me.

So I guess for now I'll keep looking at these beautiful and beautifully flawed girls, looking at the gorgeous tattoos and finding things that I like, thereby finding another small piece of myself. And who knows... maybe the person I want to be will be the person he wants me to be. Without the dreads. :-)

On self-reflection

17 February 2010

Last night, hours after I wrote the previous entry, I was sitting around at work reading a book, the Guide to Getting it On. It's a hefty textbook essentially, but well-written and fun. I'd like to think I know a hell of a lot about sex and sexuality and kink. But you can never know everything, so I was curious to see what this could teach me. I'm getting off the point though.

As I was reading, I came across a paragraph that echoed what I was feeling when I was writing. "Some people need to have sex or masturbate several times a day to help numb a chronic sense of anxiety or ease feelings of deadness. Having a constant stream of orgasms can be their way of keeping an emotional funk at arm's length. Do not confuse this with sexual pleasure, even if they do." I've been kicking that around in my mind ever sense.

"Some people need to masturbate several times a day..." Do I need to? Or do I just want to? I don't think it's helpful to look at when I'm on orgasm restrictions to answer that question. After all, it's human nature to want what you can't have. During normal life, I do masturbate a lot, often a few times a day. But there are days when I don't, or days when I can't. When I don't, I'm not depressed, and when I can't, (because of life rather than specific orgasm restrictions) I'm not climbing the walls. I masturbate because I'm bored, or because I'm working a night shift and I desperately need to sleep even thought it's the middle of the day and I'm wide awake, or because one of the two guys in my life told me to, or just because I'm horny. If fills several positions in my life, and maybe some of those aren't strictly healthy. But I think masturbation still falls under the want category rather than the need one.

"to help numb a chronic sense of anxiety..." I'll be the first to admit that I have bouts of anxiety. I know why they started, and I know how much they've decreased over the years. I know they stem from a feeling of impotence and a fear of not knowing if something happened to someone I love. I also know that these anxiety attacks are very rare for me now and that they did not decrease with an increase in masturbation, nor are the rare ones brought on by a lack of masturbation. I can't honestly say that I know for a fact that there is no connection. But I know that it is unlikely that I am masturbating to manage anxiety, consciously or unconsciously.

"or ease feelings of deadness...." This is what scares me the most. When I was younger, I went through a little depression, as many teenagers do. Only once did I feel suicidal and at the time I took a very pragmatic attitude toward it. I decided to shit or get off the pot, essentially. If I was going to kill myself, I just wanted to get on with it rather than feeling maudlin and melodramatic forever. If, however, I decided life was worth living, I never wanted to revisit this issue again. And as of today I haven't. However, the attitude I took left me worried that someday I'd feel that way again. If there is something or someone in my life that makes me feel that kind of depressed again, I'm pretty quick to cut it out of my life. I don't know if that's healthy or unhealthy, but it is what it is. I worry about feeling that kind of deadness, yes. But I have no evidence to suggest that the potential for feeling that has been lurking hidden inside me for the last 14 years.

So what happened a couple days ago to put me in such a funk? I'm sure the lack of sleep or lack of endorphins I'm used to exacerbated the issue. But I won't think they were the cause or the main factor. I think that honour is more likely to go to an issue I already know I have.

Deep down, I'm convinced that I'll end up alone because no one in their right mind could love me. I tend to sabbotage relationships even when I try not to. But in the last few months, I've discovered an interesting new type of relationship. One that includes sex and love and friendship, but we're not in love. I never actually thought that could exist. A situation where sex is based on what he wants.... where there's no obligation and no hurt feelings. I don't have to question his motivation because the motive is always desire or interest. I trust him and trust that he will protect me and think of what it best for me, because he cares about me. But he's not in love with me, so there's no issue with him hurting me like I want him to. Perfect!!

Except that it's temporary. Probably. Hopefully. He's a wonderful man and a hopeful romantic, and the minute he falls in love with someone, it's over. I'm well aware of that and I accepted it a long time ago. I thought. The other day it hit me that when he finds that perfect woman, I would be so happy for him. He deserves all the happiness I could ever wish for him. I would also feel (and possibly be) completely abandoned. I don't know if he would be there for me when I'm missing his dominance or just his cuddles. And I don't know if I would want him to be there. I wouldn't want anything to smudge his happiness and ultimately it's not his problem. It would be mine to get over.

I'm not in love with him, but I do love him. And I do want all the amazing things we could offer each other, even if it's temporary. Still, I went from thinking that I would always be alone, to thinking that I would never be alone because it's a casual relationship, and then to thinking that not only would I be alone when it ended, but that the end was likely to be abrupt, complete, and painful since I would still be happy for him through all that adjustment. It hit me hard.

Anyone sane is probably wondering where the hell Richard is in all this "I'll die alone" crap. Honestly, I don't know how things will go with him. I do know that I love him. I know that my life would be a poorer place without him in it. I can't imagine anyone else possibly being able to accept the relationship we now find ourselves in. But I also know that I still think he's a fool for loving me. I know that the things I'm asking him to accept aren't easy. I know we have problems and that, like I said, I tend to sabotage relationships. And I know that ultimately I still expect to be alone. I just really hope I'm wrong.

On depression

16 February 2010

Over the past couple of days, I have had masturbation restrictions. There's nothing original or different about that. Nothing that a thousand other submissives haven't gone through many many times before me. But for some reason, this hit me hard.

There are a few things you should know about me for all this to make sense. I'm generally a pretty happy person. I laugh all the time. I smile for no reason. Even when life really really sucks, a bright blue sky or a beautiful moon will make all the hard stuff worth it. I'm easily pleased and generally satisfied with my life, even though I still try to make my life better. And I masturbate a lot. lol

There have also been a lot of changes since the last time I posted. I don't want to go in to all of them yet, but I can make a long story short. Basically, the D/s aspect of my relationship has faded fast. We still love each other and we are still together, but the dominance just isn't important to him. It is still important to me. So although I am dating him, I now belong to someone else. Everyone knows about everyone else, and it is a relatively amiable relationship.

Whew... I think that covers all the preliminaries. Now to the crux of this post. Like I said, being unable to masturbate like I normally would has thrown me more than I expected it to. The first couple days, I went through the hair-pulling frustration and the cat-in-heat mentality. And then I crashed pretty hard.

It was the crash that surprised me. Nothing happened that should've made me crash like this. My life was still a good place to be. I'd enjoyed work more than I had in awhile, I have two men in my life who love me in two very different ways, I have a nice warm house to come home to... what more can a girl ask for?

And yet, suddenly I was crying for no reason. Suddenly I was shaking with fear of being abandoned and alone. Suddenly I was fighting to not throw away everything good in my life an favour of the emptyness which I was convinced would eventually fill my life anyway.

That was yesterday. Today, I'm still feeling down. Today, I'm desperate for attention and cuddles and kisses. And as usual, when I really need something, I don't ask. And today I'm still on masturbation restrictions.

That's what concerns me the most right now. What if all this darkness is always inside me? What if it's just held at bay by all the wonderful orgasm endorphins that constantly flood my system? What if I just hadn't noticed that I'm living with something dangerous because every orgasm just covers it up?

If that's true... well, if that's true then maybe the happiness I always feel is just a facade. It's something I like about myself. Now I wonder if it's just chemically induced. Natural chemicals, true enough, but chemically induced nonetheless. If something I like about myself, something that I feel defines me, is basically just a cover, what does that say about me and who I really am?

I'm feeling weird and fractured. And the stupid thing is, I don't even know if these are valid concerns. If, should I be on orgasm restrictions another time, the same thing would happen again. Or if this is all an over-reaction to an anxiety that is always in the back of my mind over being depressed and this has just been a bad couple of days.

I'm hoping it's just been a bad day.