On frustrations

I've been thinking a lot about online vs. real life relationships. I've had both in my life for more than a decade, but I've never had both with one person until now. I knew the change over would be interesting and possibly frustrating, and now we've really hit the frustration part. I hated when Richard and I were only online because I couldn't feel him. Now there are all new frustrations.

Now we worry about each other's finances and try to work around work and school to see each other just for 12 hours. And half of those 12 hours we're sleeping. This was even more frustrating when I realised we'd gone over two weeks without sex. Not just real sex, but also phone or cyber, which obviously used to be all we ever got. What the hell!!?! And why did it take me so long to really notice?

I called him and tried to talk some of these frustrations out. He tried to help by giving me a fantasy based in reality. Just for a little background, the last time we were together we bought a whole kit of things including suction cup handcuffs. I don't actually have a bed, just a mattress on the floor, so since the suction cups were supposed to work on the wall, we thought that'd be perfect. We hadn't had a chance to explore or even open the kit while we were together though. So he started talking about how he couldn't wait to try out the handcuffs and how I would look helpless on the bed. But before he could tell me what he wanted to do once I was helpless, I interrupted. "Oh yeah! I forgot to tell you that they don't work! They're fine in the shower but they just don't stick to the wall." Then I started crying. Once again, reality had intruded and I had let it.

He laughed it off but it's still bothering me. I don't really know what I could've done differently though. After all, it would've been kind of mean to hear his fantasy, all the time knowing it was impossible, and then springing the fact that I knew it wouldn't work on him when the fantasy was about to become reality. But I hate that I'm letting the reality get me down.

On jealousy

Richard and I have been living in a fantasy world for so long, it's hard when we have to make the transition to the real world. In a few short weeks I have found a job, and he has lost a job and found a new one. I've met his family and mentioned him to mine. We've had serious financial discussions and for the first time, there are hints of jealousy.

I've mentioned before that Richard and I have an open relationship and that has not changed since moving from a fantasy world. Having said that, most of our external relationships are still in the fantasy world. Well, a few months ago I met a man that I'll call Jake. He wants me to call him Mr. Right Now, but this is my blog and he doesn't always get what he wants. ;-)

Whenever I talk to someone new online, I find it takes a week or two to see how that relationship will really solidify. More often than not, you talk for one night and then that's it. Sometimes you talk for one night and then spend the next few months trading a few emails but never really reconnecting. Then there are guys who you talk to once a month or so. And then there are a few guys who you just really enjoy talking to and somehow schedules just work and you end up talking practically every day.

Jake is the latter. I love talking to him and he makes me smile and laugh and cum. I'd like to think that I do the same for him. His interests and personality are such that make him my ideal Dom, but not necessarily my ideal lover.

I've written before about how Richard doesn't feel like he could protect me if he needed to. Because of that, some of our more extreme fantasies may never come true. With Jake, that's really not an issue. He has the training and experience and sheer drive that would allow practically any of my fantasies to come true. Even the crazy ones.

Richard and I work because we are equals, and I choose to submit to him. That's the perfect relationship for me and for him. With Jake.... well, compared to him, I feel like Richard and I are children. He's only a year older than we are, but there seems to be a level of experience and maturity that we simply don't have. We may get there some day, but for now we're nowhere close. With Richard, I submit because I want to . With Jake, I would submit because I just wouldn't have a choice. And while that makes him my perfect Dom, it takes him too far from my perfect lover ideal.

Given that fact though, I can't blame Richard for being a little jealous. It probably doesn't help that when I first mentioned Jake to him, I said "So, last night I met a guy who thinks he's going to take me away from you." lol And just to clarify, Jake did originally say that. But after I met Richard and he knew I was in love with him, he backed off. He has no qualms about taking a girl from a guy, but he draws the line when she really loves a guy.

Over the last couple of weeks, there had been tiny little flash points where I wondered if Richard had issues with Jake. I would get a text from Jake while Richard and I were together and he would frown just a little. I asked him, but he swears that my message tone annoyed him. I had my doubts, but I let it go. Until this morning.

The last few nights I have been working late. I have been getting off at midnight and I have an hour drive back to my house. When work is really quiet, I end up texting people. Richard usually ends up sleeping around 9 or 10, but Jake has been awake much later. The last two nights I ended up talking to Jake as I drove home to stay awake and pulling over for a little phone sex before sleep.

But last night, I was just really missing Richard. I was also really really really horny and I wanted my man. I left Richard a message just in case he woke up around midnight and wanted to talk to me on the drive home. I knew he was probably sleeping so I wasn't surprised when that didn't happen.

I thought about calling Jake instead. He makes the drive home so quick and there are always wonderful moans at the end of the drive. But I knew that as much as I wanted to stay awake and as much as I needed to cum, I really wanted Richard. It wasn't fair to turn to Jake just because Richard wasn't around. I enjoy Jake for Jake's sake, but in that situation it would've seemed like he was my second choice and that's not fair. I don't think of him that way and I don't like doing things that put him in a second place position. So I drove home in silence and prayed that a horny cop would pull me over and fuck my brains out.

This morning, Richard got the message that I had left and called to apologize for being asleep. I told him not to be silly and somehow I ended up mentioning that Jake had had the "keep me awake" role for the last few nights.

Suddenly he went very very quiet and I didn't know how to fix it. He asked me what we talked about and I told him. I asked him why there was a problem with Jake. After all, no matter how much I enjoy Jake, I love Richard more. He's better for me than anyone else could ever be.

Richard says there isn't a problem and that we just hadn't talked much the last couple of days and he had wondered why. We had talked the last couple of days though, so obviously I'm doing something wrong. I'm not ok with the idea of stopping our open relationship. He wouldn't drop his playmates and I don't want to drop mine. But I need to find a way to make sure he knows that he will always be the most important.

Fantasy world sure is easier than real life sometimes.

On laughter

Last week I had a very interesting experience. Several of them, actually. These experience need a little background though, so bear with me.

I've known for a long time that money and all things relating to it would be the biggest issue Richard and I could ever have if our relationship continued. It was very obvious very quickly that he and I come from two different worlds. He comes from a world where it is reasonable for people to worry about getting fired and you're raised knowing how to deal with bailiffs and an admirable skill is knowing how to get out of bills and steal cable. And I.... well, I don't.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I was raised in a wealthy family. And recognising that he and I have different world-views makes me feel like a snob. But that's really far from the truth. I've got my fair share of debt and bad financial decisions and a bailiff or two in my past. The real issue is actually that we view money in a different way.

For the most part, if I don't have it, I don't spend it. If I can't pay my bills, I don't buy books and games. Being unable to pay a bill is a stressful thing for me and I'll do without food in order to pay it. It's stressful for him too, but he only gets really stressed when his utilities have been turned off for a month or so.

Last week and before, money was becoming an issue. He was the only one of us working since I was still looking for a job, but I was ending up spending most of the money. I didn't mind, but when I didn't have the money for my electric bill, suddenly I regretted some of the trips or meals or purchases. I knew I was getting anxious about it, but actually what I was more anxious about was the fact that I wasn't telling him.

I promised him honesty in all things, but because I'm worried that money will be a flash point for us, I put it aside and tried to deal with it myself. Keeping it from him frustrated me more than the issue itself did.

Then last week I ended up making a surprise visit back to my parent's house. Now, I love my parents very much. They are frugal, industrious people who have managed to create a life and a home that makes it look like they are much wealthier than they are. It is very important that they have things around them. It is very important to them that they have huge retirement funds and that my step-dad be the sole provider.

And when I saw that again, I remembered that money actually isn't that important to me. Yes, I want to pay my bills because someday I'd like to own a house and I'd like my credit score to be decent. But electricity and a house means nothing if you don't have laughter and smiles.

Unfortunately I only remembered this after snapping at Master for a moment, but that rift was repaired. The repair itself was fortunate, however, since the week was about to get more interesting. Master is now jobless, which will only make things more difficult. I got a job the next day and I'm loving it so far, but it will be another week before I get paid and I had more car trouble which drained my account entirely.

For every good thing that has happened, there have been negatives. But somehow, as long as I remember what is really important to me, I think we will be fine. Richard never seemed to lose sight of what was important. There is still love, and smiles, and laughter.

On tissues and tampons

I apologize in advance to any male readers out there. I'm not usually one for discussing menstrual cycles, but this time I'm making an exception. On day 18 of the period from hell, I feel I have the right to do so.

This has been an interesting weekend. It was my birthday a few days ago and I got to see Richard for the last few hours of it. It was really a nice day. I mean, it had no right to be because I got there 5 hours later than I wanted to, mostly due to still more car problems and a few other delays. But sometimes days are good despite all the problems.

He was sick with a cold and a touch of the man-flu. And he's passed the cold on to me, which I don't really mind. It's worth the time we spent cuddling to go through a few boxes of tissues. There wasn't much play time, but every moment we had was wonderful.

But now I'm back home alone and going through tissues and tampons by the box, and I'm feeling just a little miserable. Not bad, really, but.... well, it'd just be nice if I had someone here to take care of me. *smiles* I know I'm not an invalid and I'm not feeling THAT sick at the moment. But even just having someone rub my back would be comforting.

I'm trying not to be melodramatic about the whole blood loss thing, but after all this time I can't help but wonder if the dizzyness and exhaustion I'm feeling isn't partly from that. I keep trying to work up the energy to masturbate, since that always makes me feel better, even temporarily. But the energy and the desire just isn't there. It has been about a week since I have, and I'm pretty sure that's the longest I've gone since I was 15 or so. lol

Well, I guess I'll just have to wait all this out and know that soon I'll be feeling back to normal. And when I do, Richard and I can once again have incredible, playful sex. *grins*

On metaphors

Master has amazing hair. Bear with me, I'm going somewhere with this, I promise. It's dark brown but... well, the roots are completely blonde. He looks like a kid that took a mud bath. It's naturally like that, and it just makes him seem to... well, shine, really.

I've been musing on this since I last saw him, but today I was able to form words. He and I were talking about a wedding we're supposed to go to next year. My best friend Maria just got engaged. She is the only one who knows about him (and she has known about him from the beginning) and so she offered me a +1, but only if he is the one I'm bringing. *grins*

She and I were talking about table seating and she suggested I sit at the top table. But partners were going to have to be at another table, and I couldn't picture leaving Richard on his own. For one thing, he wouldn't know anyone there. For another.... well, this particular group of people wouldn't necessarily get his particular brand of humour. Fortunately there wasn't that much room at the top table, so I politely stepped down. But I mentioned this to him and he agreed. He would either step on a lot of toes accidentally or end up being a wall flower.

I can't picture him as a wall flower. Ok, sometimes my Master talks too much. And sometimes he's too hyper. But that's what I love about him. The man glows! I could watch him talking and laughing for hours. And even when he is talking too much, I don't really want to stop him.

I said this to him also and he asked for clarification. Eventually I compared him to the sun. When he's hyper, it's like a hot summer day with no wind. The sun would blind you if you looked anywhere near it and the heat is a little oppressive. When he's happy and laughing, it's like any other day when the sun is shining. It's beautiful and makes you smile just because. You feel comforting warmth all around you. You can feel the life-giving rays on your skin. And when he's sad or angry, it's like a cloudy day. You know the sun is there, but there's no warmth. You can't see it. And you just have to wait until the sun shines again.

The sun has been a male symbol for centuries. I could always understand why in theory. But now I see the reality of the sun in my male.

I asked him if I was like the moon, to see if I could continue the metaphor. His response was

"No my dear. You are the trees of the rain forest. You thrive off of my greatest moods, and I get to see you grow in response."

*grins* Not the answer I was looking for, but I know he would never simply agree with me. He comes up with his own ideas and analogies. And that's another thing I love.

On weekends

This weekend Richard decided to go for romance over kink for the most part. He believes that the two do not go hand in hand, and although I'm not sure I agree with that, I didn't mind the change of pace. But for the first day, there was kink.

For example, there were handjobs on the highway. We stopped by the adult superstore just to glance and maybe do a little toy shopping. That little side trip may have netted me a job. I have an interview there tomorrow.

When we got home we slept... or we started to anyway. We were both exhausted, but there's just something about having your lover naked in your arms again. For a moment, your exhaustion goes away. He asked me what I wanted and I couldn't decide... I wanted to be fucked, but I wanted his cock in my mouth. So he went to my toy drawer and decided for me.

The toy he picked is scary. It has little latex barbs all over it. If the toy were half an inch thinner, it would be wonderful. But it's so thick it usually ends up hurting, especially without some lube. I mention this to him with a little tremor in my voice. He raises an eyebrow and glances down between my legs.

"Slut, I've never seen you or any other girl as wet as you are now. If it hurts, I will go slow. But I don't think it'll hurt."

Damn it, he was right. He fed me his cock and bent over to slide the toy inside. He often teases me with the tip, but not this time. He shoved it all the way inside, deep and hard, and groaned as my muffled moans reached his ears.

He turned it slowly, just teasing me and letting the barbs scrape inside me so I could concentrate on deep throating him. As he got harder and thicker in my mouth, getting closer to giving me his cum, he started to pound the toy inside me. And when we were done and even more exhausted than before, we lay in each other's arms again, marveling at the wonder of those orgasms and at the wonder of simply being together again.

When we woke he blindfolded me, gave me another toy, and put on some porn. He wanted me to listen to the people. He told me to describe how hearing their bodies slapping together made my pussy clench. He watched me fuck myself with the toy without me knowing. I thought he was sitting behind me watching the TV but he was beside me so he could do both. After the third time I had cum on the toy, he came across my chest which surprised and delighted me.

The next two days there was no sex at all, but somehow it didn't seem strange. It wasn't planned that way, really. It just happened. We woke up early and drove a long way just to get breakfast. When I say early, I mean before 4am. We went out to the lake and watched the fog on the water. Eventually, we watched the sunrise, and it was beautiful.

I think we slept most of that day. But we slept curled up together on the couch. The next morning we woke up early again, just so we could watch V for Vendetta. I had never seen it but had wanted to. Unfortunately I had been awake hours before he had and took an alergy pill that I knew would put me to sleep. As I was coming out of the bathroom, walking quietly so I didn't disturb him, he says "You don't have to sneak around, pet. I'm awake." So about half way through the movie the pill hits me and I'm struggling not to drift off. But it was such an incredible movie, I managed.

This weekend he helped me look for jobs, helped me with some housework, held me while I slept.... This weekend we talked about long-term relationships and made plans to go see his mum at the end of October. This weekend, we tried to pack in as much as we could, because we won't be seeing much of each other next month.

It is my birthday in about two weeks and we will spend a couple of days together then. But then, a friend is coming from England. We have talked about it and right now, it would be a bad idea for her to meet Richard, so I won't see him or even talk to him much while she is here. And after that, we drive up to see his mum. Four days together in a month. And two of those with other people.

It isn't much. But they will be good four days. We will survive.

On fat

I came across a blog today that I hadn't seen before. And it gave me the courage and motivation to write about something that I had held back about before.

I hate my body. I always have. Richard once asked me to tell him something I loved about it and I answered that I loved my lips. He told me he knew for a fact that I had beautiful hair and gorgeous eyes. This was before we met. And I agreed, but they still give me problems. He asked for something that I loved that was more... flesh based, shall we say. There was nothing. I literally thought of every part of my body, down to my toe nails, and there was nothing that I liked.

Now then, I need to qualify that statement with a few others. First and foremost, while this is a body image issue, it is NOT a case of a size 2 woman thinking she's fat. This is a case of a overweight woman knowing she's overweight and hating it. Second, while there may not be many things that I love about myself, there also aren't many things I would change. If I had a magic wand, I would get rid of the extra pounds and keep the rest. I may have stupid square-shaped fingernails, but they're mine and I wouldn't change them. Finally and most importantly, even though I hate my body, I do not hate myself.

In this post Firefey mentions different things that people think will happen when they are thin. I can't remember at time when I've ever done that. Forgive my arrogance, but I think I'm pretty awesome just the way I am. Personality-wise, at least. Instead, I think "If I were thin, I would be able to go to six flags again and ride all the roller coasters without being uncomfortable."

I am happy and content with my life and who I am right now. But I don't think anyone should ever be completely content. Part of what I love about my submission is the self-exploration that comes with it. I want to grow. Not in to a different person, but in to a more complete version of myself.

So I alternate between self-acceptance and self-betterment. I accept my body and my weight. I hate it, but I accept it. I walk around naked and I don't despair every time I see part of my body that is more than a little pudgy. But at the same time, if I don't like it, why shouldn't I try to change? I will never be a size 2, nor would I want to! My goals aren't sizes or even weights. In fact, what I consider my ideal weight would still be overweight by BMI standards. I just want to like the way I look.

I'm sure there are some people out there thinking that I could never be satisfied with the way I look. And they could be right. But I remember a time when I did. A little over a decade ago, I had a wreck that led to surgery, which led to an inability to be as active as I had previously been. But before that wreck, I enjoyed parts of my body.

I was still overweight. My calves were still round instead of lithe and my stomach still pooched. But round or not, my calves and thighs were muscular and tight. My arms were firm and my face was thinner and cute.

I still will not be able to be as active as I was back then, but there's no reason that I can't get parts of my body back to a place where I am satisfied. I will always have image issues. I always have and I always will. But my image issues have never stopped me from doing the things that I wanted to do or being the person I wanted to be.

There is one other thing to say on this matter. The dichotomy of of self-acceptance and self-betterment is exacerbated by Richard. This isn't a complaint about him, but merely a fact. He loves and accepts me for me. But he also wants me to lose weight. He also wants him to lose weight. He says it is because he wants us both to be healthy and I believe him. But every time he says it, I search his eyes and his tone, looking for any little bit of dissatisfaction.

We haven't talked about my body since we met. He has seen every inch of me, so there is no hiding. When we were trying to figure out where we stood with each other, obviously I was wondering if it was an issue. After the first time we had sex and I knew for a fact that he had seen everything I wanted to hide, I kept waiting for something to be said. I kept wondering if it was an issue, like I always worried that it would be.

The morning after, during breakfast, we were talking briefly again about if the relationship would continue and he said "From everything I've seen, there's no reason why it wouldn't." Right then, I put my concerns and worries out of my head.

There is still a possibility that there are parts of my body that he hates and wants to go nowhere near. There is still a possibility that he is disgusted by parts of me. I don't have the courage to ask because I'm afraid of the answer. He and I promised each other honesty and we have always given it, even when it was hard for one or both of us to hear. He would not lie now.

But if there are things that disgust him, he has decided that they don't matter. He still wants to be with me. And in the end, that's all that matters. Later, he asked me if my self-image concerns had been put to rest now that we had actually met. I believe my reply was "Oh god no!! Not even a little bit! But... the other morning you told me there was no reason not to be with me. So I figure that they don't matter."

Another time I will write more about image in general. But for now, I needed the cathartic experience of writing about my own body.