On breaks

29 May 2009

I think I'm going to take a break from my blog for awhile. I haven't been writing much recently because I felt like I didn't have anything to write about. I was tired of my interactions with Richard only being over the phone because, now that our meeting was in sight, they felt less and less real. I wanted to wait until we had met, and then I could write to my hearts content.

Unfortunately, he is not going to get to make the trip overseas, so the meeting is now on hold indefinitely. I'm not coping with this as well as I thought I would.

In three weeks I am moving. So I think I am going to officially take a break here and try to get my life sorted out. Hopefully I will be back then, with renewed vigour and lots of musings and stories to tell.

Bye everyone

On decisions

1 May 2009

I would like to say that I hate having all the stress of an international move, the sadness of the end of a relationship, and the excitement of a potential new relationship on me all at once. But it would be a lie. I should be stressed. I should be crying. My brain should be spinning.

But no... I'm fine. That doesn't mean that there aren't bad nights or bad moments, but it does mean that in general, it's not getting me down. I thrive in tight spots. It's something I've always known about myself, and it sometimes makes me worry that I create tight spots for myself. That I make things more difficult than they need to be simply because I know I can handle it. I get bored and sluggish when things are going well.

But there are just so many decisions to make. Who will ship my things, what do I take, when do I start packing... When do I say goodbye to friends, do I take the train down (with three suitcases) to see them or do I beg for a ride... Will Richard actually be able to come to London, should I change hotels to try to save a little money, will a hotel with hardwood floors be ok if I plan to spend many many hours on my knees....

And then of course there are all the decisions to make after I move. Like where I live, primarily. Richard and I had discussed this issue a few times, but never this close to the move. We had always planned to spend a week together, see how we get along, and talk more about it after that. But now it's 7 weeks before he's supposed to be here and he doesn't even has his passport yet. I know he's trying hard, so I'm still hoping... but the reality is looking a little iffy.

Today I asked Richard about this again. Specifically, I asked if he doesn't get to come, what his thoughts were about where I would live. Ultimately it's my choice, not his, but I'd still like his thoughts and opinions. He told me to go where my heart desires.

The only problem is this: he knows my heart desires to be somewhere in the southwest and he's in the midwest. My wonderful insecure brain immediately started wondering if he was being practical and saying I should be where I'm happy (after all, he and I might meet and hate each other) or if he was starting to think that he didn't want anything more than an online relationship.

I tentatively tried to figure out which was the case and asked how he would feel if I ended up moving to his state. After all, it is conveniently about half way between my friends to the south, half of my family to the east, and the other half to the west. There are job opportunities and a low cost of living. There are practical reasons for me being there. The fact that he is there is a wonderful bonus but not the deciding factor. My heart wants to be in New Mexico... but maybe at this junction of my life my heart will have to wait a little longer.

He said wasn't up to him and that he didn't understand why I was even asking. He promised that he wouldn't be freaked out and think I was stalking him (unless I moved in to the house next door). Whenever we meet, we will see if our relationship has a future. If it doesn't, my home has nothing to do with him and I won't regret living there (his worry, not mine. I wouldn't do something I would regret for anyone, even him). If it does, we'll make things work where ever I live.

It doesn't really help me make this decision, but it does remove any restrictions. Or most restrictions. Now I just have to decide what to do with myself. *smiles*