On trust

31 December 2008

Last night for the first time, R and I explored breath control to some degree. I have always had issues with choking in the past, but recently my fantasies have involved a hand on my throat more and more. Actually, they've just been getting a bit more violent recently. R showed me a picture of a girl with her head forced to the floor being fucked from behind (have I written about this picture before? I think I have) and it has been in my thoughts ever since.

Since he's not physically here, I had to do it to myself. So I'm still not sure how much of a turn on that pressure is, or how much pressure I want or if I just want the sensation of a hand there and no pressure at all. But it made me think again about just how important trust is to a D/s relationship.

I'm not just trusting him with my heart and my mind and my body, but with my life as well. I have to trust that he will stop when I use my safe words and that he will read the reactions of my body and not necessarily just listen to my words.

It's an awful lot to give someone. But it's the best gift I can possibly give.

On being a doormat

30 December 2008

The other day my Dom and I were having a discussion. Not a fight, in this case, but there was an issue that needed addressing. It's a complicated issue, but it boils down to the fact that, while we have an open relationship, I'm not comfortable being completely ignored while he plays with someone else. I admit that this is my problem, not his, and it's only because I'm not comfortable enough in my own skin to entirely believe that he will always come back to me.

Initially, we fixed this by him agreeing to send me a quick message telling me where he was and that he would be with me later. I hated the idea of keeping tabs on him because I don't need to do that, but it was even worse getting exited about seeing him for hours and then finding out he'd been online all along, just with someone else. It wasn't long before we encountered a flaw in this solution.

I was incredibly horny and had been waiting for him to sign on all day. When he did, it was only to tell me that he would be around later. I was dying, but I couldn't bring myself to tell him that I needed some attention. Instead, I acknowledged his message and carried on with my day as usual.

For various reasons, this frustration came to a head later in the day and he was very frustrated with me for not just telling him that I wanted him. I have serious issues with appearing needy or clingy and this definitely falls under that category for me. He pointed out that even if I could ask him to stay, I could've just given him a long passionate, toe curling kiss and shown him that I wanted him with me. Then he reminded me that, although I am submissive, I don't have to act like a doormat.

I was stunned because I am NEVER a doormat. The only time I ever back down to him is when he specifically says that he's had enough now and gives me a look to remind me of my place. I never saw my silence as letting myself be taken advantage of. I simply saw it as sticking with our agreed plan and not getting in the way of his fun or pleasure.

It made me realise just how much I struggle to show that I am needy. I don't like needing anything from anyone and that includes needing attention from him. I still don't think I was being a doormat, but I do need to work on letting him know what my needs and desires are. After all, it's always nice to feel needed and desired.

On disobedience

29 December 2008

I'm ashamed to say that I disobey far more often than I should. I really really need to work on that. It's usually when he's impatient and asking the impossible. I try to tell him I am trying to do what he's asking but I need more time, but sometimes that doesn't work. On those rare occasions, it's just easier to tell him I've done it than to explain again. When I disobey then it bothers me, but not too much.

It bothers me far more when he asks me to do something specific and I just decide not to. For example, when he asks me to use a specific toy and I just don't feel like that one and I use a smaller one. Or if he wants me to fuck my ass and I decide to fuck my pussy instead.

Sometimes he'll tell me to put in my big plug but if I just don't feel like being stretched, I'll just put in the smaller one. Or he'll request my vibrator with the little rubber barbs all over it. That one just hurts if I try to move it once its in, so if I really want a pounding I'll pick another one. Those are the times that I really need to work on.

*frowns* I'm such a bad subbie. I know the reason I don't mention my preference is because complaining will just try his patience and have it in faster. If there's a real reason not to do something, I speak up then and he always listens. But if I'm just not in the mood, he won't stand for that. I must stop being such a brat.

On online D/s

28 December 2008

I can't help myself, when I think of an online dom, a cynical image always comes to mind of a fat pimply teenager sitting on a throne with his tiny cock in hand saying "Bow before your Lord and Master!" (Wow... was that really bitchy?) I know that's not (always) the case, but the anonymity of the internet allows anyone to call themselves a dom, regardless of experience, intention, or common sense. I tend to be dubious about anyone with "dragon" or "shadow" or "Master" in their name. But I'll admit I've been wrong before.

Online submission can be a lot of fun, but it can also be terrible. I have a webcam but I hate using it. I will when he insists, but I rarely turn it on by myself. That makes it very easy to disobey, and that's a horrible thing. Fortunately I have a man who can tell a lot about me and what I'm doing from one altered sound. He knows what each part of my body sounds like when it's spanked, how my moans change when I touch myself in different places, or how I sound when I'm close to cumming. It requires a great deal of trust to know that requests are being carried out.

It's also safer, which is both a good and bad thing. It's good because I'm in my own home and even if I'm talking to a psycho killer, the psycho killer isn't in my room beside me. But safe is also boring. Part of what I love about D/s is having my limits pushed. It's too easy to stay in your safe area when someone isn't beside you pushing you.

I always feel silly talking about an online relationship like it's a real one. But it is real. Maybe it's completely different to one where you physically spend time with the person, but it still feels real in its own way. Honestly though, I don't think I'd bother with a relationship that was strictly online with no hope of ever making the transformation to real life.

On anonymity

27 December 2008

For me, the internet doesn't really provide me a place to say what I want without fear of repercussions. Most of the things I say here I would say in real life. Instead, the internet provides me a way to be entirely myself while controlling what people know about me.

I like my privacy. I always have. I have never used my real name online (except with my Dom) and I never will. But having layers upon layers of pseudonyms is starting to get a bit odd too. I have a normal screen name that I love and identify with. When I'm online, I think of it as my "real" name. It's the one I use, but it's registered under a false name.

But I have other names too. I usually use them for different moods or different sets of friends or whatever. The name I use on this blog alludes to my real name, but even that can't be traced back to the real me. Not by legal means, anyway.

I wonder what it is about anonymity that makes me so comfortable. Especially when I'm not doing anything anonymously that I wouldn't do with someone watching.

On Christmas

26 December 2008

Happy Christmas everyone! A British Christmas is a wonderful thing to me. It has a richer tradition than any Christmas I grew up with. I love the fact that Christmas dinner is full of food that so many people hate, and yet everyone eats it because it's tradition.

I love Christmas crackers and stupid paper hats, and being force fed alcohol and snacks until you can't move or risk passing out if you do. I love watching the Queen's speech and making fun of it, and watching the Christmas specials of all the wonderful shows.

So I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and a great Boxing Day. Now it's time to enjoy the sales, the Christmas hangover, and that wonderful feeling of being too stuffed to move.

Musings on the Christmas spirit

24 December 2008

It's Christmas Eve and I'm still not in the Christmas spirit. We're not spending Christmas at home this year, so we didn't bother with a tree. We did put our stockings up, but... it hasn't really inspired me somehow. I think it's made worse by the fact that I have work to do, and it's really hard to take three days off for something you're not in the mood for.

But I'll smile, spend time with my in-laws, and hopefully Santa will bring me some Christmas cheer. That's all I really want anyway.

Oh, but speaking of gifts, I feel like I should record my prediction for my prezzie from my husband. I hate it when I'm right because I hate ruining the surprise, but at the same time I like being right because it means I know him pretty well. I think this year he has gotten me margarita glasses and mix. I'll let you know if I was right or wrong. hehe

Musings on misconceptions around doms

23 December 2008

Once upon a time not so long ago (sorry Bon Jovi, I stole your lyrics) I had an image of a dom in my head. The picture was of a large leather-clad man with his arms crossed and a whip in one hand glaring down at a naked and bleeding woman on the floor. And while there is nothing wrong with that image or that scene, it was never quite what I wanted from a dom. I can't help it, I usually laugh at leather. Too Village People.

I have known both Doms and Dommes in my private life and nothing that I knew of them made me want to get in to the lifestyle. My dom friend and I didn't talk much about his motivation or what he got out of the scenes he played out. Instead we talked about his subs and what he had been asking them to do recently. My domme friends were professional dommes and found a lot of humour in their jobs. They enjoyed it, certainly, but the only sexual thrill they got from it was one that came from power. You know, the whole "Men are worms, look at how easy they are to break" type thing. They all seemed a bit cruel to me and that wasn't something I was interested in. And then I met my man.

He cleared up misconceptions that I had and showed me that not all doms were little boys on power trips. (I'm not saying that my friend was, but it was easy to make assumptions when we didn't go in to much detail about his role) And honestly, I didn't really think that all doms were, but it was all I had seen so far. My man answered any questions I had and exposed me to a world that I knew about, but he showed me how good it could really be.

He helped me explore what elements of submission I revel in and what elements I will not touch. Not yet, anyway, and maybe not ever. He made sure that I understand the difference between sub and slave. The thing that I was most terrified of being was a slave. That role does not fit me or hold any interest for me. But I delight in my role as his subbie.

Musings on my Dom

22 December 2008

I suppose I should say right up front that I do call him Master, but only when we are playing or when I am being punished. I can him by his name most often. I don't like only referring to him as "my Dom" in here, and "my man" seems disrespectful, even though that's generally how I refer to him. I'll figure it out, if you'll bear with me... it's only my 4th post. :-)

He is a wonderful caring man who will go out of his way to make a friend smile. He loves beauty in all its forms. He is creative and artistic and loves showing off his accomplishments. Not necessarily because he needs his ego stroked, but because he wants something that gave him pleasure to give someone else pleasure. I always think of a cat bringing back a kill for its owner. Not a nice image perhaps, but the image of a child showing off a drawing doesn't really fit.

He knows me so well it's insane. Once he asked me if I would ever move back to my home state. I told him that I wouldn't and gave several reasons. And instead of accepting that answer like a normal person, he disagreed and proceeded to describe the one and only situation where I would actually more back! I was stunned, because I had thought about that particular situation but had never really told anyone what I was thinking.

Like I've said before, it's not hard to "know" someone. But you have to be paying enough attention to pick up on those little things that let you make an educated guess. I've never had someone pay that much attention.

Musings on my husband

21 December 2008

Seeing as my blog is called "Musings of a subbie" you would think that I would write about my Dom first. But since the vast majority of this blog will be about him, I want to write about my husband first.

In just a few months, we will most likely be splitting up. And it kills me that I will cause us both that pain. I don't really care to go in to the intimate details of the breakdown of this relationship. Let's just say that there are fundamental personality differences that can't and won't be resolved. I don't feel the need to change who I am, and I certainly can't ask him to change who he is.

My husband is one of my oldest friends and I hope that part of our relationship will continue. Actually, I should point out that "breakdown of this relationship" and "that part of our relationship" is a crock of shit. All we really have is a close friendship and that's not breaking down. The only thing that will really change (I hope, perhaps naively ) is my home and the ring I wear on my finger.

I feel like such a bitch for hurting the kindest man I've ever met. But if we stayed together, I know our friendship would break down too. Resentment would start to fester and an affair wouldn't be too far off. (Yes yes, I know that if I have a Dom then I'm really already cheating on him.) I'm unwilling to extend a relationship that doesn't really have an optimistic future.

Musings on starting a blog

20 December 2008

I keep a journal for my Dom and a private one (that he has access to) for myself. So why am I writing a blog too? He told me once that he didn't care if I had a journal that he never read if it was used for mulling things over while I decide if I should bring them to his attention. I suppose that is what this is.

I'm writing this partially to get out some of the things I just can't say. The first rule of our relationship is honesty. And I've stuck to it even when tiny white lies would have been easier. Even when the truth has caused pain. But sometimes I think maybe it's best if I try to deal with my issues and objections rather than taking the risk of hurting someone I love. Is silence a lie?

I also wanted to write to put another submissive viewpoint out there. I'll write more about the intricacies and details of that relationship later, but I wanted to write about a strong woman who chooses to submit to someone special. I hardly think I'm the only one and I'm certainly not trying to say that I'm different or better than any other sub. Maybe I just want to offer a view of a "non-typical" submissive.

My first musings

19 December 2008

I am still learning what it means to be submissive. The first thing I realised is that every D/s relationship is different and it is impossible to define a "typical" one. This is both freeing and frustrating. Freeing because you and your significant other are free to carve out whatever type of relationship fits the two of you best. Frustrating because it may be difficult to find understanding from an outside source.

As for me, I don't think I look like a very submissive subbie to the outside world. The few people who know I am submissive have almost all been shocked when they found out. Not because they feel that title carries a stigma, but because they know I am very outspoken, strong minded, and dominant in many situations.

I frequently find myself trying to reconcile my feminist views with my submissive desires. The truth is though, it's not a struggle. I understand how I feel. And while it would be nice if other people did too, I don't need acceptance or understanding from anyone except myself and my Dom.

And my man does understand me... better than anyone I've ever encountered. I'm sane enough to know that people aren't as complicated as we would like to think we are. Fortune telling works because if you take an educated guess, you'll often be right. And if you're not, people forget about it and cling to the times you are right. "Knowing" someone is the same way. I'm sure it's the same thing with me and my man. But you know what? He makes some pretty good educated guesses. *grins*