On frustrations

24 November 2009

I've been thinking a lot about online vs. real life relationships. I've had both in my life for more than a decade, but I've never had both with one person until now. I knew the change over would be interesting and possibly frustrating, and now we've really hit the frustration part. I hated when Richard and I were only online because I couldn't feel him. Now there are all new frustrations.

Now we worry about each other's finances and try to work around work and school to see each other just for 12 hours. And half of those 12 hours we're sleeping. This was even more frustrating when I realised we'd gone over two weeks without sex. Not just real sex, but also phone or cyber, which obviously used to be all we ever got. What the hell!!?! And why did it take me so long to really notice?

I called him and tried to talk some of these frustrations out. He tried to help by giving me a fantasy based in reality. Just for a little background, the last time we were together we bought a whole kit of things including suction cup handcuffs. I don't actually have a bed, just a mattress on the floor, so since the suction cups were supposed to work on the wall, we thought that'd be perfect. We hadn't had a chance to explore or even open the kit while we were together though. So he started talking about how he couldn't wait to try out the handcuffs and how I would look helpless on the bed. But before he could tell me what he wanted to do once I was helpless, I interrupted. "Oh yeah! I forgot to tell you that they don't work! They're fine in the shower but they just don't stick to the wall." Then I started crying. Once again, reality had intruded and I had let it.

He laughed it off but it's still bothering me. I don't really know what I could've done differently though. After all, it would've been kind of mean to hear his fantasy, all the time knowing it was impossible, and then springing the fact that I knew it wouldn't work on him when the fantasy was about to become reality. But I hate that I'm letting the reality get me down.

On jealousy

2 November 2009

Richard and I have been living in a fantasy world for so long, it's hard when we have to make the transition to the real world. In a few short weeks I have found a job, and he has lost a job and found a new one. I've met his family and mentioned him to mine. We've had serious financial discussions and for the first time, there are hints of jealousy.

I've mentioned before that Richard and I have an open relationship and that has not changed since moving from a fantasy world. Having said that, most of our external relationships are still in the fantasy world. Well, a few months ago I met a man that I'll call Jake. He wants me to call him Mr. Right Now, but this is my blog and he doesn't always get what he wants. ;-)

Whenever I talk to someone new online, I find it takes a week or two to see how that relationship will really solidify. More often than not, you talk for one night and then that's it. Sometimes you talk for one night and then spend the next few months trading a few emails but never really reconnecting. Then there are guys who you talk to once a month or so. And then there are a few guys who you just really enjoy talking to and somehow schedules just work and you end up talking practically every day.

Jake is the latter. I love talking to him and he makes me smile and laugh and cum. I'd like to think that I do the same for him. His interests and personality are such that make him my ideal Dom, but not necessarily my ideal lover.

I've written before about how Richard doesn't feel like he could protect me if he needed to. Because of that, some of our more extreme fantasies may never come true. With Jake, that's really not an issue. He has the training and experience and sheer drive that would allow practically any of my fantasies to come true. Even the crazy ones.

Richard and I work because we are equals, and I choose to submit to him. That's the perfect relationship for me and for him. With Jake.... well, compared to him, I feel like Richard and I are children. He's only a year older than we are, but there seems to be a level of experience and maturity that we simply don't have. We may get there some day, but for now we're nowhere close. With Richard, I submit because I want to . With Jake, I would submit because I just wouldn't have a choice. And while that makes him my perfect Dom, it takes him too far from my perfect lover ideal.

Given that fact though, I can't blame Richard for being a little jealous. It probably doesn't help that when I first mentioned Jake to him, I said "So, last night I met a guy who thinks he's going to take me away from you." lol And just to clarify, Jake did originally say that. But after I met Richard and he knew I was in love with him, he backed off. He has no qualms about taking a girl from a guy, but he draws the line when she really loves a guy.

Over the last couple of weeks, there had been tiny little flash points where I wondered if Richard had issues with Jake. I would get a text from Jake while Richard and I were together and he would frown just a little. I asked him, but he swears that my message tone annoyed him. I had my doubts, but I let it go. Until this morning.

The last few nights I have been working late. I have been getting off at midnight and I have an hour drive back to my house. When work is really quiet, I end up texting people. Richard usually ends up sleeping around 9 or 10, but Jake has been awake much later. The last two nights I ended up talking to Jake as I drove home to stay awake and pulling over for a little phone sex before sleep.

But last night, I was just really missing Richard. I was also really really really horny and I wanted my man. I left Richard a message just in case he woke up around midnight and wanted to talk to me on the drive home. I knew he was probably sleeping so I wasn't surprised when that didn't happen.

I thought about calling Jake instead. He makes the drive home so quick and there are always wonderful moans at the end of the drive. But I knew that as much as I wanted to stay awake and as much as I needed to cum, I really wanted Richard. It wasn't fair to turn to Jake just because Richard wasn't around. I enjoy Jake for Jake's sake, but in that situation it would've seemed like he was my second choice and that's not fair. I don't think of him that way and I don't like doing things that put him in a second place position. So I drove home in silence and prayed that a horny cop would pull me over and fuck my brains out.

This morning, Richard got the message that I had left and called to apologize for being asleep. I told him not to be silly and somehow I ended up mentioning that Jake had had the "keep me awake" role for the last few nights.

Suddenly he went very very quiet and I didn't know how to fix it. He asked me what we talked about and I told him. I asked him why there was a problem with Jake. After all, no matter how much I enjoy Jake, I love Richard more. He's better for me than anyone else could ever be.

Richard says there isn't a problem and that we just hadn't talked much the last couple of days and he had wondered why. We had talked the last couple of days though, so obviously I'm doing something wrong. I'm not ok with the idea of stopping our open relationship. He wouldn't drop his playmates and I don't want to drop mine. But I need to find a way to make sure he knows that he will always be the most important.

Fantasy world sure is easier than real life sometimes.