On frustrations

24 November 2009

I've been thinking a lot about online vs. real life relationships. I've had both in my life for more than a decade, but I've never had both with one person until now. I knew the change over would be interesting and possibly frustrating, and now we've really hit the frustration part. I hated when Richard and I were only online because I couldn't feel him. Now there are all new frustrations.

Now we worry about each other's finances and try to work around work and school to see each other just for 12 hours. And half of those 12 hours we're sleeping. This was even more frustrating when I realised we'd gone over two weeks without sex. Not just real sex, but also phone or cyber, which obviously used to be all we ever got. What the hell!!?! And why did it take me so long to really notice?

I called him and tried to talk some of these frustrations out. He tried to help by giving me a fantasy based in reality. Just for a little background, the last time we were together we bought a whole kit of things including suction cup handcuffs. I don't actually have a bed, just a mattress on the floor, so since the suction cups were supposed to work on the wall, we thought that'd be perfect. We hadn't had a chance to explore or even open the kit while we were together though. So he started talking about how he couldn't wait to try out the handcuffs and how I would look helpless on the bed. But before he could tell me what he wanted to do once I was helpless, I interrupted. "Oh yeah! I forgot to tell you that they don't work! They're fine in the shower but they just don't stick to the wall." Then I started crying. Once again, reality had intruded and I had let it.

He laughed it off but it's still bothering me. I don't really know what I could've done differently though. After all, it would've been kind of mean to hear his fantasy, all the time knowing it was impossible, and then springing the fact that I knew it wouldn't work on him when the fantasy was about to become reality. But I hate that I'm letting the reality get me down.

On jealousy

2 November 2009

Richard and I have been living in a fantasy world for so long, it's hard when we have to make the transition to the real world. In a few short weeks I have found a job, and he has lost a job and found a new one. I've met his family and mentioned him to mine. We've had serious financial discussions and for the first time, there are hints of jealousy.

I've mentioned before that Richard and I have an open relationship and that has not changed since moving from a fantasy world. Having said that, most of our external relationships are still in the fantasy world. Well, a few months ago I met a man that I'll call Jake. He wants me to call him Mr. Right Now, but this is my blog and he doesn't always get what he wants. ;-)

Whenever I talk to someone new online, I find it takes a week or two to see how that relationship will really solidify. More often than not, you talk for one night and then that's it. Sometimes you talk for one night and then spend the next few months trading a few emails but never really reconnecting. Then there are guys who you talk to once a month or so. And then there are a few guys who you just really enjoy talking to and somehow schedules just work and you end up talking practically every day.

Jake is the latter. I love talking to him and he makes me smile and laugh and cum. I'd like to think that I do the same for him. His interests and personality are such that make him my ideal Dom, but not necessarily my ideal lover.

I've written before about how Richard doesn't feel like he could protect me if he needed to. Because of that, some of our more extreme fantasies may never come true. With Jake, that's really not an issue. He has the training and experience and sheer drive that would allow practically any of my fantasies to come true. Even the crazy ones.

Richard and I work because we are equals, and I choose to submit to him. That's the perfect relationship for me and for him. With Jake.... well, compared to him, I feel like Richard and I are children. He's only a year older than we are, but there seems to be a level of experience and maturity that we simply don't have. We may get there some day, but for now we're nowhere close. With Richard, I submit because I want to . With Jake, I would submit because I just wouldn't have a choice. And while that makes him my perfect Dom, it takes him too far from my perfect lover ideal.

Given that fact though, I can't blame Richard for being a little jealous. It probably doesn't help that when I first mentioned Jake to him, I said "So, last night I met a guy who thinks he's going to take me away from you." lol And just to clarify, Jake did originally say that. But after I met Richard and he knew I was in love with him, he backed off. He has no qualms about taking a girl from a guy, but he draws the line when she really loves a guy.

Over the last couple of weeks, there had been tiny little flash points where I wondered if Richard had issues with Jake. I would get a text from Jake while Richard and I were together and he would frown just a little. I asked him, but he swears that my message tone annoyed him. I had my doubts, but I let it go. Until this morning.

The last few nights I have been working late. I have been getting off at midnight and I have an hour drive back to my house. When work is really quiet, I end up texting people. Richard usually ends up sleeping around 9 or 10, but Jake has been awake much later. The last two nights I ended up talking to Jake as I drove home to stay awake and pulling over for a little phone sex before sleep.

But last night, I was just really missing Richard. I was also really really really horny and I wanted my man. I left Richard a message just in case he woke up around midnight and wanted to talk to me on the drive home. I knew he was probably sleeping so I wasn't surprised when that didn't happen.

I thought about calling Jake instead. He makes the drive home so quick and there are always wonderful moans at the end of the drive. But I knew that as much as I wanted to stay awake and as much as I needed to cum, I really wanted Richard. It wasn't fair to turn to Jake just because Richard wasn't around. I enjoy Jake for Jake's sake, but in that situation it would've seemed like he was my second choice and that's not fair. I don't think of him that way and I don't like doing things that put him in a second place position. So I drove home in silence and prayed that a horny cop would pull me over and fuck my brains out.

This morning, Richard got the message that I had left and called to apologize for being asleep. I told him not to be silly and somehow I ended up mentioning that Jake had had the "keep me awake" role for the last few nights.

Suddenly he went very very quiet and I didn't know how to fix it. He asked me what we talked about and I told him. I asked him why there was a problem with Jake. After all, no matter how much I enjoy Jake, I love Richard more. He's better for me than anyone else could ever be.

Richard says there isn't a problem and that we just hadn't talked much the last couple of days and he had wondered why. We had talked the last couple of days though, so obviously I'm doing something wrong. I'm not ok with the idea of stopping our open relationship. He wouldn't drop his playmates and I don't want to drop mine. But I need to find a way to make sure he knows that he will always be the most important.

Fantasy world sure is easier than real life sometimes.

On laughter

21 October 2009

Last week I had a very interesting experience. Several of them, actually. These experience need a little background though, so bear with me.

I've known for a long time that money and all things relating to it would be the biggest issue Richard and I could ever have if our relationship continued. It was very obvious very quickly that he and I come from two different worlds. He comes from a world where it is reasonable for people to worry about getting fired and you're raised knowing how to deal with bailiffs and an admirable skill is knowing how to get out of bills and steal cable. And I.... well, I don't.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I was raised in a wealthy family. And recognising that he and I have different world-views makes me feel like a snob. But that's really far from the truth. I've got my fair share of debt and bad financial decisions and a bailiff or two in my past. The real issue is actually that we view money in a different way.

For the most part, if I don't have it, I don't spend it. If I can't pay my bills, I don't buy books and games. Being unable to pay a bill is a stressful thing for me and I'll do without food in order to pay it. It's stressful for him too, but he only gets really stressed when his utilities have been turned off for a month or so.

Last week and before, money was becoming an issue. He was the only one of us working since I was still looking for a job, but I was ending up spending most of the money. I didn't mind, but when I didn't have the money for my electric bill, suddenly I regretted some of the trips or meals or purchases. I knew I was getting anxious about it, but actually what I was more anxious about was the fact that I wasn't telling him.

I promised him honesty in all things, but because I'm worried that money will be a flash point for us, I put it aside and tried to deal with it myself. Keeping it from him frustrated me more than the issue itself did.

Then last week I ended up making a surprise visit back to my parent's house. Now, I love my parents very much. They are frugal, industrious people who have managed to create a life and a home that makes it look like they are much wealthier than they are. It is very important that they have things around them. It is very important to them that they have huge retirement funds and that my step-dad be the sole provider.

And when I saw that again, I remembered that money actually isn't that important to me. Yes, I want to pay my bills because someday I'd like to own a house and I'd like my credit score to be decent. But electricity and a house means nothing if you don't have laughter and smiles.

Unfortunately I only remembered this after snapping at Master for a moment, but that rift was repaired. The repair itself was fortunate, however, since the week was about to get more interesting. Master is now jobless, which will only make things more difficult. I got a job the next day and I'm loving it so far, but it will be another week before I get paid and I had more car trouble which drained my account entirely.

For every good thing that has happened, there have been negatives. But somehow, as long as I remember what is really important to me, I think we will be fine. Richard never seemed to lose sight of what was important. There is still love, and smiles, and laughter.

On tissues and tampons

13 October 2009

I apologize in advance to any male readers out there. I'm not usually one for discussing menstrual cycles, but this time I'm making an exception. On day 18 of the period from hell, I feel I have the right to do so.

This has been an interesting weekend. It was my birthday a few days ago and I got to see Richard for the last few hours of it. It was really a nice day. I mean, it had no right to be because I got there 5 hours later than I wanted to, mostly due to still more car problems and a few other delays. But sometimes days are good despite all the problems.

He was sick with a cold and a touch of the man-flu. And he's passed the cold on to me, which I don't really mind. It's worth the time we spent cuddling to go through a few boxes of tissues. There wasn't much play time, but every moment we had was wonderful.

But now I'm back home alone and going through tissues and tampons by the box, and I'm feeling just a little miserable. Not bad, really, but.... well, it'd just be nice if I had someone here to take care of me. *smiles* I know I'm not an invalid and I'm not feeling THAT sick at the moment. But even just having someone rub my back would be comforting.

I'm trying not to be melodramatic about the whole blood loss thing, but after all this time I can't help but wonder if the dizzyness and exhaustion I'm feeling isn't partly from that. I keep trying to work up the energy to masturbate, since that always makes me feel better, even temporarily. But the energy and the desire just isn't there. It has been about a week since I have, and I'm pretty sure that's the longest I've gone since I was 15 or so. lol

Well, I guess I'll just have to wait all this out and know that soon I'll be feeling back to normal. And when I do, Richard and I can once again have incredible, playful sex. *grins*

On metaphors

2 October 2009

Master has amazing hair. Bear with me, I'm going somewhere with this, I promise. It's dark brown but... well, the roots are completely blonde. He looks like a kid that took a mud bath. It's naturally like that, and it just makes him seem to... well, shine, really.

I've been musing on this since I last saw him, but today I was able to form words. He and I were talking about a wedding we're supposed to go to next year. My best friend Maria just got engaged. She is the only one who knows about him (and she has known about him from the beginning) and so she offered me a +1, but only if he is the one I'm bringing. *grins*

She and I were talking about table seating and she suggested I sit at the top table. But partners were going to have to be at another table, and I couldn't picture leaving Richard on his own. For one thing, he wouldn't know anyone there. For another.... well, this particular group of people wouldn't necessarily get his particular brand of humour. Fortunately there wasn't that much room at the top table, so I politely stepped down. But I mentioned this to him and he agreed. He would either step on a lot of toes accidentally or end up being a wall flower.

I can't picture him as a wall flower. Ok, sometimes my Master talks too much. And sometimes he's too hyper. But that's what I love about him. The man glows! I could watch him talking and laughing for hours. And even when he is talking too much, I don't really want to stop him.

I said this to him also and he asked for clarification. Eventually I compared him to the sun. When he's hyper, it's like a hot summer day with no wind. The sun would blind you if you looked anywhere near it and the heat is a little oppressive. When he's happy and laughing, it's like any other day when the sun is shining. It's beautiful and makes you smile just because. You feel comforting warmth all around you. You can feel the life-giving rays on your skin. And when he's sad or angry, it's like a cloudy day. You know the sun is there, but there's no warmth. You can't see it. And you just have to wait until the sun shines again.

The sun has been a male symbol for centuries. I could always understand why in theory. But now I see the reality of the sun in my male.

I asked him if I was like the moon, to see if I could continue the metaphor. His response was

"No my dear. You are the trees of the rain forest. You thrive off of my greatest moods, and I get to see you grow in response."

*grins* Not the answer I was looking for, but I know he would never simply agree with me. He comes up with his own ideas and analogies. And that's another thing I love.

On weekends

30 September 2009

This weekend Richard decided to go for romance over kink for the most part. He believes that the two do not go hand in hand, and although I'm not sure I agree with that, I didn't mind the change of pace. But for the first day, there was kink.

For example, there were handjobs on the highway. We stopped by the adult superstore just to glance and maybe do a little toy shopping. That little side trip may have netted me a job. I have an interview there tomorrow.

When we got home we slept... or we started to anyway. We were both exhausted, but there's just something about having your lover naked in your arms again. For a moment, your exhaustion goes away. He asked me what I wanted and I couldn't decide... I wanted to be fucked, but I wanted his cock in my mouth. So he went to my toy drawer and decided for me.

The toy he picked is scary. It has little latex barbs all over it. If the toy were half an inch thinner, it would be wonderful. But it's so thick it usually ends up hurting, especially without some lube. I mention this to him with a little tremor in my voice. He raises an eyebrow and glances down between my legs.

"Slut, I've never seen you or any other girl as wet as you are now. If it hurts, I will go slow. But I don't think it'll hurt."

Damn it, he was right. He fed me his cock and bent over to slide the toy inside. He often teases me with the tip, but not this time. He shoved it all the way inside, deep and hard, and groaned as my muffled moans reached his ears.

He turned it slowly, just teasing me and letting the barbs scrape inside me so I could concentrate on deep throating him. As he got harder and thicker in my mouth, getting closer to giving me his cum, he started to pound the toy inside me. And when we were done and even more exhausted than before, we lay in each other's arms again, marveling at the wonder of those orgasms and at the wonder of simply being together again.

When we woke he blindfolded me, gave me another toy, and put on some porn. He wanted me to listen to the people. He told me to describe how hearing their bodies slapping together made my pussy clench. He watched me fuck myself with the toy without me knowing. I thought he was sitting behind me watching the TV but he was beside me so he could do both. After the third time I had cum on the toy, he came across my chest which surprised and delighted me.

The next two days there was no sex at all, but somehow it didn't seem strange. It wasn't planned that way, really. It just happened. We woke up early and drove a long way just to get breakfast. When I say early, I mean before 4am. We went out to the lake and watched the fog on the water. Eventually, we watched the sunrise, and it was beautiful.

I think we slept most of that day. But we slept curled up together on the couch. The next morning we woke up early again, just so we could watch V for Vendetta. I had never seen it but had wanted to. Unfortunately I had been awake hours before he had and took an alergy pill that I knew would put me to sleep. As I was coming out of the bathroom, walking quietly so I didn't disturb him, he says "You don't have to sneak around, pet. I'm awake." So about half way through the movie the pill hits me and I'm struggling not to drift off. But it was such an incredible movie, I managed.

This weekend he helped me look for jobs, helped me with some housework, held me while I slept.... This weekend we talked about long-term relationships and made plans to go see his mum at the end of October. This weekend, we tried to pack in as much as we could, because we won't be seeing much of each other next month.

It is my birthday in about two weeks and we will spend a couple of days together then. But then, a friend is coming from England. We have talked about it and right now, it would be a bad idea for her to meet Richard, so I won't see him or even talk to him much while she is here. And after that, we drive up to see his mum. Four days together in a month. And two of those with other people.

It isn't much. But they will be good four days. We will survive.

On fat

23 September 2009

I came across a blog today that I hadn't seen before. And it gave me the courage and motivation to write about something that I had held back about before.

I hate my body. I always have. Richard once asked me to tell him something I loved about it and I answered that I loved my lips. He told me he knew for a fact that I had beautiful hair and gorgeous eyes. This was before we met. And I agreed, but they still give me problems. He asked for something that I loved that was more... flesh based, shall we say. There was nothing. I literally thought of every part of my body, down to my toe nails, and there was nothing that I liked.

Now then, I need to qualify that statement with a few others. First and foremost, while this is a body image issue, it is NOT a case of a size 2 woman thinking she's fat. This is a case of a overweight woman knowing she's overweight and hating it. Second, while there may not be many things that I love about myself, there also aren't many things I would change. If I had a magic wand, I would get rid of the extra pounds and keep the rest. I may have stupid square-shaped fingernails, but they're mine and I wouldn't change them. Finally and most importantly, even though I hate my body, I do not hate myself.

In this post Firefey mentions different things that people think will happen when they are thin. I can't remember at time when I've ever done that. Forgive my arrogance, but I think I'm pretty awesome just the way I am. Personality-wise, at least. Instead, I think "If I were thin, I would be able to go to six flags again and ride all the roller coasters without being uncomfortable."

I am happy and content with my life and who I am right now. But I don't think anyone should ever be completely content. Part of what I love about my submission is the self-exploration that comes with it. I want to grow. Not in to a different person, but in to a more complete version of myself.

So I alternate between self-acceptance and self-betterment. I accept my body and my weight. I hate it, but I accept it. I walk around naked and I don't despair every time I see part of my body that is more than a little pudgy. But at the same time, if I don't like it, why shouldn't I try to change? I will never be a size 2, nor would I want to! My goals aren't sizes or even weights. In fact, what I consider my ideal weight would still be overweight by BMI standards. I just want to like the way I look.

I'm sure there are some people out there thinking that I could never be satisfied with the way I look. And they could be right. But I remember a time when I did. A little over a decade ago, I had a wreck that led to surgery, which led to an inability to be as active as I had previously been. But before that wreck, I enjoyed parts of my body.

I was still overweight. My calves were still round instead of lithe and my stomach still pooched. But round or not, my calves and thighs were muscular and tight. My arms were firm and my face was thinner and cute.

I still will not be able to be as active as I was back then, but there's no reason that I can't get parts of my body back to a place where I am satisfied. I will always have image issues. I always have and I always will. But my image issues have never stopped me from doing the things that I wanted to do or being the person I wanted to be.

There is one other thing to say on this matter. The dichotomy of of self-acceptance and self-betterment is exacerbated by Richard. This isn't a complaint about him, but merely a fact. He loves and accepts me for me. But he also wants me to lose weight. He also wants him to lose weight. He says it is because he wants us both to be healthy and I believe him. But every time he says it, I search his eyes and his tone, looking for any little bit of dissatisfaction.

We haven't talked about my body since we met. He has seen every inch of me, so there is no hiding. When we were trying to figure out where we stood with each other, obviously I was wondering if it was an issue. After the first time we had sex and I knew for a fact that he had seen everything I wanted to hide, I kept waiting for something to be said. I kept wondering if it was an issue, like I always worried that it would be.

The morning after, during breakfast, we were talking briefly again about if the relationship would continue and he said "From everything I've seen, there's no reason why it wouldn't." Right then, I put my concerns and worries out of my head.

There is still a possibility that there are parts of my body that he hates and wants to go nowhere near. There is still a possibility that he is disgusted by parts of me. I don't have the courage to ask because I'm afraid of the answer. He and I promised each other honesty and we have always given it, even when it was hard for one or both of us to hear. He would not lie now.

But if there are things that disgust him, he has decided that they don't matter. He still wants to be with me. And in the end, that's all that matters. Later, he asked me if my self-image concerns had been put to rest now that we had actually met. I believe my reply was "Oh god no!! Not even a little bit! But... the other morning you told me there was no reason not to be with me. So I figure that they don't matter."

Another time I will write more about image in general. But for now, I needed the cathartic experience of writing about my own body.

On Commitment

If I had remembered what my last post had been about, I would've written much sooner. It's funny how quickly things change and how easy it is to forget moments of bad mood or sadness.

For this news to make sense, I should probably give just a little background. Because our relationship was strictly online for so long, the commitment level was... well, fairly minimal. We knew we liked each other and knew that this relationship could work in real life, but we also knew that it might not. I was his, but at the same time I wasn't. I had no collar, either real or metaphorical, but I knew I had a place by his side.

Over the course of time, I started wearing a little chain around my wrist. This was practical rather than ornamental or symbolic. Sometimes during play we would use it as a nipple chain and it was easier if I knew where it was at all times. I never considered it a collar, but it was a nice reminder of him and the fun we had together.

A couple days after we first met, we were having the relationship discussion that I mentioned a few posts ago. We gave this relationship a "just dating" status, but that didn't seem right to me. I told him that it felt like he was pushing me away, even just a little, but that I was afraid I would pull away more on my own.

This topic stayed on my mind. I didn't want to put my relationship defenses up around him, partly because his were up. And if his were up, I didn't think he could tear mine down like he always did before. The more my defenses went up, the more I thought until finally I realised that I could either pull away from him or I could tear them down myself. I have given him the ability to hurt me physically and mentally, so why shouldn't he have access to my emotions as well.

That night I told him I had been thinking and that I decided that he was still the exact same person I knew online. And I loved that person. I don't know everything about him and I can't say that we'd be together forever. But I don't want to pull away. I want to give us a chance. I also told him that I didn't expect him to feel the same thing right now, but he knew where I was when or if he ever did. He smiled, hugged me close, and we dropped the subject.

All this was at the back of my annoyance the other day. I knew that he was still viewing our relationship as far more casual than I wanted it to be. And while I understood why, it still hurt. I started thinking that it would be much easier if I could view it the way he did, or even just as sex with no relationship.

But I mentioned all this to him and by the time I went to pick him up, I was only a little apprehensive and a tad frustrated. It didn't help that I had started my drive at 2:30 am and that I was going to see a man who had had a few too many energy drinks that night. I lovingly told him that I might have to kill him before the night was out if he didn't calm the fuck down. hehe

When I picked him up, we went to breakfast. As soon as I stopped the car he was teasing me. He told me he loved the look on my face every time he twisted my nipples. But eventually hunger won out over teasing and we got out of the car.

He looked so happy when he gave me a hug, and of course the energy drinks were still making him pretty bouncy. But I commented on his smile and happiness and he said "Well of course I'm happy! The girl I love just drove two hours to see me and we're about to eat the best breakfast ever!"

The girl he loved..... There had been an unspoken agreement that that wouldn't be said until we were sure. I had said it when I was, did that mean that now he was? Or was it the energy drinks?! We kept walking slowly to the restaurant with all this running through my head. I said nothing.

"I hope you heard that."

He meant it. Holy shit.... Wait a minute, what changed in the last couple of days? He didn't feel that way when he was trying to decide whether he should come this week. So what happened?! "I heard it."

I couldn't respond to it though. I didn't know if I trusted it. We ate breakfast and laughed and made fun of the terrible music. He drew a ketchup heart on his hashbrowns and I called him a loser, teasingly of course.

And then finally I had to ask. Something had changed, and if I were going to believe him, I needed to know what. He told me that, for one thing, he had had the "what if" question about his ex. What if she came back in to his life. Now he knew. He knew that even when she was begging, he didn't want her back.

He told me I was sweet and giving and laughed at me when I blushed. He ran his fingers around my bracelet and said that it had history. Whether it was supposed to or not, it symbolised something special. And he said he didn't know where the relationship was going to take us either, but he was ok with going along for the ride.

I was ecstatically happy, but I tried not to show it as I always do in those moments. He looked at me after a few moments of silence and said "And you're trying not to break into this huge smile, aren't you?" I laughed, told him to shut up, and let the smile out.

When we got back to the car, his kisses were different. The first time we met, they had been little kisses. Sweet, but lacking the passion I had expected. Now the passion was there. Everything I expected and more. They were the best kisses I have ever had.

Those kisses led further. I've noticed that I never hesitate when I'm with him. With anyone else, I would worry (even for just a moment) that someone will see when we're in public. In private, my self-consciousness will get the better of me and I'll be nervous. With him, I just act.

Soon he had me bent backwards against my car, shirt and bra off, while he sucked and bit at my nipples. *shivers* He made me come just like that, and then we got in to the car. There were a couple of trucks around, parked while their drivers were sleeping... I can't help but wonder if we gave any of them a show.

I hesitated before starting the car. Ok, I had come, but... he was still hard! He wasn't asking for anything, but I wanted to give it. My mouth had missed him. He noticed my hesitation and smirked. "Does my whore want something else?"

We put the seat back and I started to lick and suck. The angle was terrible and by the end my jaw was aching. But I kept licking even as I swallowed his come. He stayed hard. God, I love that he can do that. "Do you want another?"

I thought about it for just a second.... I could barely open my jaw. But I wanted more. The second time like that never takes long, and it delights me that he loves my mouth... my body.... that much. So I nodded and slid him deep inside my throat again. Mmm... is there anything better than your man's moans?

A few minutes later I sat up, grinning from ear to ear. He laughed at me, and then we both laughed at how steamed up the car had gotten. hehe And thus began one of the most perfect, sex-filled, happy days I have ever had. It began with commitment, laughter, and sex.

On love vs. sex

14 September 2009

I'm starting to think it would be easier to have a Dom that wasn't also a boyfriend. Not that Richard is actually my boyfriend at this point... but that's beside the point. At this particular second, I think I'm just feeling like I need a break from relationship-y things, but I still want sex and submission in my life.

Last Saturday, Master and I tried to decide when we would see each other again. I offered to come pick him up on Tuesday night after work (early Wednesday morning, technically) and drive us back here. It would amount to 10 hours of driving in less than 36 hours by the time I got him back home, but it would mean more privacy and a more relaxed atmosphere.

Since then, I've been making sure the house is clean, buying nice food for us, making sure my nails are done and my eyebrows are plucked... all the things a girl does to get ready for her guy.

Today he calls with two pieces of news. First, his most recent ex has gotten back in touch with him, still isn't over him after a year, wants him back, but claims to be happy that he is with someone. Second, he has double booked his Wednesday between me and another ex.

This other ex likes to tease him with sex that she will probably never give him. He teases her back (although he would be happy to give it to her if the opportunity arose) so he counts it as mutual use rather than manipulation. The teasing would be harmless, except that he knows full well that she gets very jealous of anyone else around him. She doesn't want him, but she doesn't want anyone else to have him.

The plans with her are for Wednesday night. In theory, she will pick him up late and drive him back to her house where she and her boyfriend will get stoned. There are a few problems with this theory. A) The car is uninsured and she shouldn't be driving it. B) She's night blind and shouldn't be driving at all at night. C) Richard has no interest in getting stoned with them. D) Richard and her boyfriend had a bit of a falling out last time they were together.

Now then, I would like to say upfront that I think he's a fool for staying friends with her. She comes across as manipulative and petty and although I have never met her, the fact that all of Richard's friends hold that opinion of her does little to change my mind. Having said that, it is his choice to be friends with her, and I do my best to support that choice. If he wants to spend time with her, great.

But when it's a choice between plans with her that he admits are bad plans, and plans with me... *shrugs* I guess I'm a little offended that there is even a conflict.

If this were just sex, then of course friends win out. I have no issue with that. But because there's more to it than that, I'm feeling disappointed. I should also probably say at this point that he will almost certainly still come here. But that's kind of not the point. He's having to think about it.

If he wants to spend time with me, shouldn't that come first over everything else? Is that asking too much? It probably is, honestly.

It's more than I want to deal with right now though. I want a hurt ass, not hurt feelings. That doesn't mean that I don't want the relationship too... I think sex is always better with someone you love. But right now, just for a little while, I don't want to deal with the minor disappointments that relationships always bring. Sure, the good things almost always outweigh the bad. But just for a couple of weeks, can't I just have the good without the bad?

Part two

7 September 2009

The next day I calmed down, got some sleep, and talked to some friends who, of course, all wanted to know how the meeting went. And as I'm writing about all the wonderful things that happened, the tiny minor negative just didn't matter. I was happy and I knew it.

Imagine my surprise when a couple hours later I get a call from Richard. "Hey, plans have changed.... any chance you can come back?"

I thought about it, fighting the urge to run straight out of the door. Another night with him in more private surroundings would be perfect. But was one night worth another tank of gas? In the end, we expanded these plans somewhat. I would drive over there for Monday night, then on Tuesday night after he worked he could come back with me and stay for a couple of days. I've worked hard on my new house and I really wanted to show it off.

I'm afraid I can't go in to the same level of detail about those days as I did with the last post. But so much happened and I'm not even sure I can remember it all.

There were bad moments where we tried to define our relationship and realised that we were both pushing each other away. We have always said "I love you." But we still haven't said it when we're face to face. We're both hesitant and want to take things slow. This is made more difficult by the fact that he keeps introducing me to friends and family who all make the assumption that I'm his girlfriend. I'm not. At the moment, we're just trying each other on for size and having a great time doing it.

At the same time, I love the fact that he's introducing me to people. We may be doing our best to put up armor around our hearts and take things slow, but that doesn't stop him from showing me his life and trying to make me part of that life.

There were good moments where he tested my pain threshold and put beautiful thin stripes across my ass. I've always said I don't get off on pain, but maybe I should say I don't get off on extreme pain. It would be pretty hard to deny the way my body reacted.

I can't say that the whole session was good, because I did push myself too far. We were in a strange place personally right then, so it was probably a bad time to be trying something like that in retrospect. I could only focus on my own body rather than focusing on him. It was still pleasurable, but when the pain got too much for my body, my mind didn't have anywhere else to go. And I didn't stop him for awhile. I think he was testing my ability to use our safeword as much as my pain levels. We also got interrupted, so it could've been a better session.

But our first experience with breath control was incredible. I was shaking from the second his hand went to my throat. In fact, just last night I woke up from a dream... I was in bed alone at the time, but I still woke up mid-orgasm just because I had been dreaming about his hand around my neck. God, I'd never have anything like that happen to me.

There were also good moments in my house where he suggested we go buy some oreos and milk and curl up on the couch to watch all the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. *grins* We ended up watching some anime instead, but that's not the point. I love that we have that aspect of the relationship as well. It's wonderful to feel owned and it is wonderful to feel loved. To feel both is just.... indescribable.

On bliss

3 September 2009

Well, it finally happened. Richard and I finally met. *grins*

This may have been the most confusing week of my life! Two weeks ago, I moved to my new home. Over the next few days I tried to set it up, throw boxes away, learn my new town, etc... My new house has really terrible phone reception, so it was difficult to speak to Richard, but I was making it work. He told me about a house warming party that one of his friends was having and told me I was invited. I had chatted with this friend on occasion and really got along with her. So we decided that we would take that occasion to meet for the first time.

I'm still not quite sure what happened but on Saturday, a week before the party, I got a message from him saying "want to do lunch?" I was a little surprised, a lot nervous, and even more excited. I told him of course and then panicked when I got his next message.

"Be here by 12:30"

It was already after 10 and it takes a little over two hours to drive to his town. I double checked the time and the route and found that that gave me 9 minutes before I had to leave. 9 minutes to prepare myself, mentally and physically, to meet my Dom for the first time. 9 minutes! And I hadn't even had a shower yet.

Long story short, I didn't make it by 12:30, but only because my car was having brake trouble again and because I took a wrong turn once. But it was close. And my explanations were satisfactory.

On the way there I kept thinking of things I wish I had had time to do. There was no time for make up, no time for last-minute shaves or eyebrow plucking. Only time for a quick hair wash and tooth brush, really.

And in retrospect, it was perfect. There was no point in worrying anymore. I knew I looked as good as I could given time and circumstances, and there was nothing more I could do. I had stuck to his instructions, and I figured that was more important than putting on a little lipstick. It also meant that I knew there was room for improvement. If he was unhappy, I wouldn't be as hurt because I had intended to spend a little more time on myself than I had.

I don't think I paid attention to the cars around me for more than ten seconds on the entire drive. My mind was reeling. Suddenly, I was pulling on to his road. And as I looked for the numbers on the houses, I spied him waiting outside for me.

Richard. My love. My Master. In the flesh.

It was very surreal.

It got more surreal when he opened the car door, got in and said "So, what do you want for lunch? There's a really nice Chinese place right up the road." *chuckles* That shouldn't be funny, really, but I never thought those would be the first words out of his mouth.

I just realised how long this post is already, so I think my week is going to have to be in three parts. Sorry, I hate to tease, but I've got to break it all up somehow! *grins*

So he takes me to lunch at this really amazing restaurant. And I'm not sure if it was the company or the food, but I think it was the best Chinese food I've ever had. We both blushed a little when the fortune cookies came and his fortune said "You are about to being a new and wonderful relationship."

He took me downtown around all the wonderful old shops. He bought me a little present and made me laugh and smile for hours. As we wandered, we got even more comfortable with each other. We held hands, kissed just a little, and of course he pulled my hair. *shivers*

I don't know what it is about hair pulling. My scalp isn't very sensitive at all, so he can pull as hard as he wants and it won't bother me. It's... it's the perfect dominant act, for me. It centers me immediately. He can control my head and therefore my entire body. Plus it makes me completely weak in the knees.

After doing that bit of shopping, we went to the park. A very nice park with a wonderful, discrete, tree-surrounded two-mile path around it. Since there will be more details on more happenings later, I'll just sum up that experience by saying that by the time we had finished that walk, his balls were empty and my nipples were throbbing. *grins*

On the way back, he pulled my hair again. He held it tight, right by the scalp, and led me. I closed my eyes and just walked, trusting him completely. It was a rocky path full of holes and I wasn't exactly in walking shoes, but I never stumbled and I never wanted to look and see where we were going. For five minutes or so, I just followed happily.

We had some ice cream and then we went somewhere else, but we didn't stay long. In fact, we never actually got there. I pulled in to the parking garage and as we were getting out, he stroked a finger down my cheek and over my lips. I, being the tease that I am of course, couldn't resist licking the tip of his finger.

I watched with glee as his eyes got darker. I could hear his breath catch and his voice get a little deeper. "Is my little slut hungry again?"

I wondered silently what the point of panties was, seeing as mine were completely soaked through already, but I just nodded slowly. "Don't tempt me..."

He had already opened his door, but he shut it again. "Actually......."

I know it's cliche, but I couldn't help licking my lips as he glanced around to see if anyone was watching.

Several minutes later we got out of the car, him with wobbly legs and me grinning from ear to ear. He kept laughing and telling me I looked so proud. And I was. I had pleased my Master. And I had gotten something wonderful in return.

A little later I met some of his friends, who are truly the kindest and most giving people I've ever met. Ever. I had been planning on going back home early that evening, but events transpired that meant I didn't have to. Instead we went to a movie with his friends and hung out chatting until Richard was falling asleep.

He had to go to work in a couple hours and I was going to drive him, so his friend shooed us downstairs to a spare bedroom to get some sleep. I fully realise that I had only met this man about 12 hours ago, but none of this seemed wrong or uncomfortable or even a tad awkward. It felt good and completely natural.

We lay down on the bed, fully clothed. He wrapped his arms around me, pulled me close and fell asleep. I was too happy to sleep yet, so I just relaxed in his arms and smiled every time he breathed against my neck. At one point he woke up just a little, pulled me even tighter and said "Mine!" *grins* He doesn't remember doing it, but I don't think I'll ever forget.

A couple hours later, we woke up and tried to get ready to leave. He kept saying "ok, let's go!" but his hands never stopped teasing my body, his penis never got any softer, and he never made any move to leave. He was an hour late.

Again, I had planned to drive home once I dropped him off... but I didn't want to leave. Two hours of being in his arms just wasn't enough. Plus I was pretty tired and I wasn't sure driving was the greatest idea. So I went to a hotel that was close to his work and grabbed a room for the night. He reminded me gently that, hotel or no, privacy or no, there would be no penetration since neither of us had condoms. I mean, I had plenty back home... but since this was only supposed to be a short trip, I never dreamed that there would be a chance to use them.

Of course I got the hotel anyway. And a couple of hours later, I went back to his work to pick him up. I think that is part of what made this week so long: adjusting to his sleeping schedule. I don't think I slept more than two hours at a time and had to be very very awake in between sleeps. It is pretty awkward when you're not used to that.

We were both starving and he wanted to take me to breakfast (it was about 4am at this point) but he saw how hard I was trying just to keep the car going in a straight line, so he figured we could wait a few hours. hehe

There was a little teasing and a few spanks before we slept, but we were both too tired for much. Again, sleeping with him was exquisite. And when I woke, I in turn woke him the sweetest way I knew how. When he was awake and I had finished he raised the covers, looked down at me between his legs, and said "If my slut has finished her breakfast, perhaps she'd like to get up so her Master can take her to IHoP." I grinned and started to get dressed. Of course I couldn't resist teasing him a little more before we left and I got a few more delicious spanks as "punishment." hehe

The rest of the day was spent with friends or browsing book stores. Quite a few hours were spent at his comic book store and by the time we left, he was pretty sure he'd never see me again. *chuckles*

The shop was busier than I expected it to be, but most people seemed to know each other at least to some degree. There were two guys who kept a long-running, very detailed discussion going with Richard for a loooooong time. He had never met them before, but they obviously liked him. They were even bigger geeks than he is (I use "geek" with love and affection, never to insult) and they kept saying "Man, he reminds me of us when we were younger!" Every time, he looked over at me with slight panic in his eyes. *chuckles* In the hours we spent there, I am sad to report that no other female walked through the doors, which might explain why Richard automatically commanded so much respect. hehe

There was only one damper on this day, and in all honesty and shouldn't have been a damper. Earlier Sunday afternoon, he had gotten a text from one of his playmates that he had told me about awhile ago. She's a nice, fun girl and I know he enjoys her very much. He told her that his phone battery was dying (it really was) and he would talk to her once it was charged later. Our day continued. I wouldn't have minded, except that right as we were getting back in the car for me to take him back home and leave, she text again asking if it was charged yet.

Now, maybe I should explain that we had just had dinner and for the first time all weekend, the conversation had turned a little more serious. It was still comfortable, but there wasn't much laughter. I think I should also take in to account that I had had very little sleep and that I didn't really want to make the drive that was ahead of me. But now that my excuses are made, I'm ashamed to say that I was suddenly very jealous.

We both have other partners and neither of us have ever really minded. It's a part of our relationship that we both enjoy. Even in a moment of vulnerability, I didn't really want to change that. But I didn't want him to leave me and go straight to her, even if it was only on the phone. I didn't want his happiness to come, in any form, from someone other than me since I was here to give it to him. I think I said something like "Well, I'll have you home in ten minutes. I'll even speed if you want. Think she can wait?" *blushes* He ignored it.

I dropped him at his front door, we said goodbye and promised to see each other again next Saturday and I drove home, fighting tears and a bad mood all the way.

Part two tomorrow. *smiles*

On new beginnings

22 July 2009

A fresh look to go with a fresh start to a relationship. *smiles* It was about time for a change anyway. After all, almost everything else in my life has changed, why should my blog stay the same?

The fresh start to my relationship comes from me, not from Richard. I think I've been waiting for things to be over rather than for things to really begin. *shrugs* What can I say? With relationships I'm a pessimist.

But I don't want to be, and that's why I've decided to make a change. Since we still haven't met, we might not get along when we do. I know I keep saying that, but it's just realistic. Having said that, I'm sick of essentially living like this is only temporary. I don't want it to be, so why am I acting like I do?

The other night he wanted us to create a fantasy around our first meeting. A day in the park, walking down some quiet path, maybe ducking into the bushes for a little personal time... possibly someone catching us and watching, maybe even joining in. It certainly wasn't a new topic for us. But I froze up. I couldn't even describe what I would be wearing, never mind what I would be doing.

I froze because I didn't want to fantasize about something that might not happen. I didn't want to tell him I'd be wearing my nice sundress because it might not look good or it might be too cold that day. Stupid, I know. Really really silly. But I didn't want to almost promise something that I couldn't deliver.

He said it was like dragging a cardboard cut-out around the park. I could only agree and apologize. I didn't know how to explain to him what was happening in my head. Then we got interrupted and I let it slip my mind.

Later I got a message from him saying that he felt like I was pulling away. He wanted to know if I was thinking about ending things. I assured him that I wasn't and then was able to explain that I was just scared. I told him that I didn't want him to be disappointed when we met and that part of me was certain that he would be.

When we finished that conversation, I thought everything was fixed and better. But I was still acting like I was waiting for him to leave. I'm done acting like that. It might happen and it might not, but I'm done waiting for it.

I will obey him without hesitation or question. I will treat him like an adult who is capable of making his own choices, living his own life, and still capable of and willing to look out for me. I will start behaving as I would if he were in the same room, rather than a few hundred miles away.

I love him. I am submissive to him. He is my Master. And it's time for me to act accordingly.

On protection

17 July 2009

I don't know if I'm really back yet or not. I suspect not. I'm still not settled at my final destination in this long, elaborate move and Richard and I still haven't had the chance to meet. For those reasons, I still think I'll struggle for things to write. But this one topic kept coming into my mind.

I know it's probably foolish to ask for opinions when I've been gone for so long and everyone who used to read this has probably moved on, but I'm going to give it a shot. I really would love to know what other Doms and subs think about this issue.

I keep wondering if protection is essential to a D/s relationship. I know safety is, of course, but how many subs could really submit to someone they didn't feel could protect them? Doms, do you feel like that's an unnecessary part of your role?

The more I think about it, the more I realise I need it. Well, no. I don't need protection. But I need to feel protected for a relationship to last. And it doesn't even really have to be actual physical protection. But I need to feel like someone is standing up for me. Like there is someone to trust and lean on no matter what is happening. I suppose it's all part of having support.

I keep asking myself why this is so important. After all, I've always been a very independent woman. I've been the protector for as long as I can remember. Why do I feel like I need that protection now?

I can only come up with one answer: If I can't rely on the person I'm with, what's the point in being in the relationship?

It's true, I can protect myself. I don't need anyone else to give me strength and help me stand. But it's nice to have that extra strength. And if I'm being independent on this issue, why shouldn't I be independent entirely?

I could (and often have) done the independent thing in vanilla relationships. It certainly didn't work out that well. It would be suicide to try it in a D/s relationship. Is that just me? Or do other people feel like it's necessary as well?

On breaks

29 May 2009

I think I'm going to take a break from my blog for awhile. I haven't been writing much recently because I felt like I didn't have anything to write about. I was tired of my interactions with Richard only being over the phone because, now that our meeting was in sight, they felt less and less real. I wanted to wait until we had met, and then I could write to my hearts content.

Unfortunately, he is not going to get to make the trip overseas, so the meeting is now on hold indefinitely. I'm not coping with this as well as I thought I would.

In three weeks I am moving. So I think I am going to officially take a break here and try to get my life sorted out. Hopefully I will be back then, with renewed vigour and lots of musings and stories to tell.

Bye everyone

On decisions

1 May 2009

I would like to say that I hate having all the stress of an international move, the sadness of the end of a relationship, and the excitement of a potential new relationship on me all at once. But it would be a lie. I should be stressed. I should be crying. My brain should be spinning.

But no... I'm fine. That doesn't mean that there aren't bad nights or bad moments, but it does mean that in general, it's not getting me down. I thrive in tight spots. It's something I've always known about myself, and it sometimes makes me worry that I create tight spots for myself. That I make things more difficult than they need to be simply because I know I can handle it. I get bored and sluggish when things are going well.

But there are just so many decisions to make. Who will ship my things, what do I take, when do I start packing... When do I say goodbye to friends, do I take the train down (with three suitcases) to see them or do I beg for a ride... Will Richard actually be able to come to London, should I change hotels to try to save a little money, will a hotel with hardwood floors be ok if I plan to spend many many hours on my knees....

And then of course there are all the decisions to make after I move. Like where I live, primarily. Richard and I had discussed this issue a few times, but never this close to the move. We had always planned to spend a week together, see how we get along, and talk more about it after that. But now it's 7 weeks before he's supposed to be here and he doesn't even has his passport yet. I know he's trying hard, so I'm still hoping... but the reality is looking a little iffy.

Today I asked Richard about this again. Specifically, I asked if he doesn't get to come, what his thoughts were about where I would live. Ultimately it's my choice, not his, but I'd still like his thoughts and opinions. He told me to go where my heart desires.

The only problem is this: he knows my heart desires to be somewhere in the southwest and he's in the midwest. My wonderful insecure brain immediately started wondering if he was being practical and saying I should be where I'm happy (after all, he and I might meet and hate each other) or if he was starting to think that he didn't want anything more than an online relationship.

I tentatively tried to figure out which was the case and asked how he would feel if I ended up moving to his state. After all, it is conveniently about half way between my friends to the south, half of my family to the east, and the other half to the west. There are job opportunities and a low cost of living. There are practical reasons for me being there. The fact that he is there is a wonderful bonus but not the deciding factor. My heart wants to be in New Mexico... but maybe at this junction of my life my heart will have to wait a little longer.

He said wasn't up to him and that he didn't understand why I was even asking. He promised that he wouldn't be freaked out and think I was stalking him (unless I moved in to the house next door). Whenever we meet, we will see if our relationship has a future. If it doesn't, my home has nothing to do with him and I won't regret living there (his worry, not mine. I wouldn't do something I would regret for anyone, even him). If it does, we'll make things work where ever I live.

It doesn't really help me make this decision, but it does remove any restrictions. Or most restrictions. Now I just have to decide what to do with myself. *smiles*

On monotony... er, monogamy

25 April 2009

I was talking to Maria the other day about her new boyfriend. Man, when she falls she falls hard. *grins* But I'm ridiculously happy for her.

She was talking about places where their interests differ. I'm incredibly impressed with this man (who I got to meet for a day) for several reasons, but particularly because while he may not be especially kinky, he is very open to experimentation. It's the difference between willing and wanting, I think. But anyway, she said one of the few differences was that he would consider threesomes or swinging, and she has no interest at all in sharing. It surprised me a little because I know she's done it before, and she's not generally possessive or self-conscious.

But it got me thinking and I realised that I've really never been particularly monogamous. That said, I've never cheated on the man I was with. Well, unless you count what I'm doing at the moment, and I guess you have to. But anyway, I just always assumed that there will be more men in my life. I would much prefer my partner to be on board about it though.

But at the same time, polyamory is out too. At least in terms of two or more relationships on the go at once. Having one partner and other play partners is fine. But I can't imagine actually having a relationship with more than one person.

I have poly friends and I've known several people who incorporated another regular person in to their relationship and I just don't think I could handle it. For me, the only way it would work would be to have my Dom and I as the core couple, in love and full of trust, who just happen to have a few guest stars in their bed from time to time.

On low expectations

19 April 2009

Ok, it's probably a bad idea to have two posts on expectations in less than a month, but there's a reason for them both. I've been thinking about romance tonight and I remembered Richard asking me if I had low expectations of him. He has asked me that a few times in the year that we've known each other.

I didn't know how to answer him. Because I didn't feel like I did. At least, not specifically of him. I think I just have low expectations in general. Is that bad? I don't choose to have low expectations because I don't think he or anyone else can live up to high expectations. It's just that... if you have high expectations, you're guaranteed to be disappointed. If you have low expectations, you're pretty close to guaranteed to be impressed. I'd rather take the chance of living a life of happiness than take the chance of living a life of misery.

That still seems logical. But I wonder if we don't get what we ask for sometimes. I mean, how often do people always try to do romantic things when they don't have to? If you expect flowers and romance, surely you're more likely to get it than if you don't. Or maybe I'm wrong.

I'm not good with compliments and romance. I don't know what to do with it. So I certainly don't expect it. But when it comes in small doses, I don't stop smiling for a week. Tonight I asked myself what the most romantic thing in my life has been. I went through trips to Paris, flowers on special days, well-meaning presents that didn't quite work out as planned, and all the kisses I've ever been given. What was my verdict?

One afternoon I lay back on my couch and listened as Richard read me Transmetropolitan, a dark comic book featuring violence, corruption, addiction, and misery. The picture at the top is the main character. But I don't want my description to down-play the most romantic moment in my life.

He shared part of his life with me. Something he loved. It's kinda hard to "read" comic books when you can't see them, so I listened to him describing the pictures, doing the sound effects, and reading the lines. *smiles* It was just so wonderfully comfortable. And so incredibly sweet.

On solidarity

18 April 2009

It's strange... I've known for awhile that I've felt less playful. I haven't been interested in my usual playmates or in chatting with random people. I've just felt... well, quiet almost. Calm. But I've only realised recently that I'm doing it because he's gone.

It never feels like cheating when I'm talking to him often because I know he doesn't mind. Plus I get to share any interesting experience with him. I do it because I want to, but I get to share it with him and it makes it even better. But when he's not around, it just feels wrong.

I've noticed this with other couples too. When you're not around each other, sometimes people get a little more introverted. You know you can't really fix problems if there are any, so you try your best to keep things light and problem-free. At least until you get to be around each other again. *smiles*

I can't believe it's been seven weeks since we've really talked. But I'm just whinging now, so I'll stop.
I miss you today.

I've never felt this completely and utterly drained. Didn't get much sleep with the alcohol and sleeping on the couch thing. Woke up with a little hangover, but not a bad one. Spent the morning with Maria and her boyfriend and then they left and I had a huge fight with Patrick. He left for work and I'm just... drained.

I remember reading something someone wrote about when she feels like this. She said sometimes she just goes and kneels by her man's side when he's working. She doesn't want the attention, she just wants to be close for a minute. And after awhile things are fine again.

That's all I want. I just want to curl up beside you for a few seconds. I don't want to talk about what's wrong because nothing really is. I just want to feel you beside me for a minute and know that deep down, the world is right.

On forever

7 April 2009

I got my first tattoo today. *grins* About ten years ago, I decided I wanted one on my foot, but I could never quite find a design that I loved. So I kept putting it off. I wanted to be sure.

Then a year ago I was watching an anime and I saw this design on a character. It was only on the screen for a split second, but I gasped and had to rewind and pause it to see it again. I had never seen anything so beautiful.

I spent the rest of the year finding the perfect way of drawing it and looking back again and again to be sure I still loved it. I debated the pros and cons of using someone else's design. I do like originality, after all. I explained to friends that while the design was from a show, it wasn't about the show. I didn't pick the design to commemorate my love for it, but if it must represent the show, let it represent anime on the whole. I've loved that for years now, and even if I don't still love it when I'm 60, it has been an important part of my life up to now.

When I was sure, I went to my artist and booked an appointment. He and I talked about ways to make the design my own. You can't tell from that picture, but there are actually three different colours of red. It gets darker toward the tips. And in the two weeks between consultation and appointment, I kept expecting to be worried. After all, this will be on me forever.

Forever is an idea that terrorfies me. In relationships, saying forever seems ideallistic and frankly stupid. The idea of commiting to something that has to last the rest of your life is a pretty scary idea.

Until now, nothing I've done is forever. I have piercings and stretched ears, but they would grow back if I didn't like them anymore. Marriage isn't forever. Jobs can change. Friends come and go. Honestly, I like that. No one knows what the future will bring, and it's comforting to know that I can change with it.

So, even though I had spend almost a year making sure I loved the design and a decade making sure I loved the location, I was still surprised that I didn't have second thoughts. Even the second before he started, I was thinking "Really? You're still ok with this? You're not going to panic?" But I didn't. I was relaxed and ready.

And now that it's done, I can't tell you how happy I am. 50 years from now, I may be unrecognisable as the woman I am today. My hair will be gray (hell, that'll probably be in about 5 years), my face will be wrinkled, and my body will be changed. I may be single or married. I may have kids or I may not. I might be a retired counsellor, or I might be a retired zoo keeper. But I'll still have this tattoo. It may be faded and warped over time, but it'll still be mine. And somehow, that doesn't worry me.

On expectations

30 March 2009

What does a Dom expect when he looks for a sub? The obvious answer is obedience. Different doms have different expectations and different desires, of course. But I've noticed something lately. Something that seems to tie so many subbies together.

They are often writers. They are descriptive and poetic and often flowery. And I say "they" for a reason, because I am not. I wouldn't begin to suggest that I'm the only one who isn't, but I would say that I'm the only one I've come across as far as I know.

Oddly enough, that was one of my Dom's expectations. It was never a requirement, but it was something he assumed came in the package. From what I've seen, I'd say it's a fair assumption. Too bad he got me. *smiles*

I'm creative and I can write. But I am not poetic and I'm not descriptive. Delores Claybourne is one of my favourite books because it's all dialogue. Read it some time; it's fantastic. That's how I'm most comfortable with writing. I know people. I know how they interact. I can write dialogue. But he wants description.

Once in an effort to pry description from me, he had me find two photographs that I loved and describe them in as much detail as possible. I did it and struggled. But the one thing I learned is that the more I looked at the photograph, the less I liked it. When I looked at the details, I started finding flaws. I learned that I prefer having a vague general impression of something rather than looking too closely. I'm sure that says a lot about me, but if vague impressions make me happy, so be it.

Really I'm just musing on the idea that there can be expectations you didn't really know about. He expected any subbie he eventually had to be sweet and flowery and bouncy because everyone he knew was. He wouldn't say that it was required in his woman anymore than you would say you require your significant other to have two eyes and ten fingers. You could probably live without it, but it's still what you expect.

Part of me feels bad for not having that in me. And I don't think he's ready to accept that I don't. He wants to help me grow in every way, and this one is top on the list. But I think we need to find the balance between growth and accepting me for who and what I am.

On trusting the government

26 March 2009

Awhile ago I wrote about a new law that had been passed that basically criminalized half of the BDSM community. This happened more because of broad wording than intent. Well... stated intent, anyway. When teams of people work on the exact wording of a law and choose to leave it broad and up for interpretation, it makes me nervous.

Well, they've done it again. Non-photograpic, pornographic images of children are now illegal. But there is no definition of what constitutes pornography in this case. They have not specifically said "a child engaged in a sex act" so is the fountain on the top of this post illegal?

It worries me enough that things that are drawn or written as fantasy and fiction are being censored. But to some degree I can understand why. I'm not sure I would support it, but I can understand it. But things that are harmless are now illegal, following the letter of the law. And it puts me in an awkward position because some things that I love could be considered illegal.

I've mentioned before that I'm a huge anime geek. Obviously a lot of shota and loli material would probably be illegal, but so could some fairly basic animes. One of my favourites features high school-aged children. Well actually, if we're being honest they're monsters in human form. There's nothing in there that I would consider pornographic. No sexual acts apart from a kiss has ever been shown. But it is still a sexually charged atmosphere and there are constant pantie shots. It's more humourous than sexual, really. But I guess if we follow the exact wording, it's illegal. And I just have to trust that the government won't target something that harmless.

I am absolutely a proponent of child protection. There isn't much that I feel more strongly about. But this trend of leaving so much open for interpretation concerns me. We shouln't have to trust our government to this degree. Even if the current plan it to target only the extremes, the groundwork is already there to target the minutia in the future. If a law was passed that made smoking anything illegal, would people be pacified if they said they were only targeting illicit drugs? I think not.

On daily lives

25 March 2009

Does daily life get in the way of a relationship, or deepen it? I'm not talking about the significant parts of daily life, but the random shit that we all do.

I hate the question "how was your day?" Because more often than not, nothing of note happened. And if it did, I'm likely to tell someone about it before they ask about my day. There is an episode of Futurama where the answer to that question was "Well, first I got up and I had a piece of toast. Then I brushed my teeth....." and so on. None of that matters! But if I'm asked, somehow I find myself talking about all that crap anyway. I blame my mother. *chuckles*

It occurred to me that Richard and I don't do that. He has never asked me how my day was, and I love him for it. It seems like if you don't ask the question, you can still talk about the minutia of your day if you want, but you don't feel like you're searching for something to say.

But actually, just last night I was thinking that there's a lot that he and I don't talk about. We might talk about how much he hates his sister-in-law or what commercials play on the radio at 4am, but somehow we skip over the bigger things. Sometimes I tell him when I have a new client, but I often forget to mention when I've stopped seeing them. Sometimes I don't mention when I go away for a weekend and he forgets to tell me that his dad has offered to pay for his trip over here.

I'm not sure if that's good or bad. *smiles* Anyway, last night I mentioned this phenomenon in my journal, which he isn't reading at the moment because he still doesn't have an internet connection. I talked to him today and an hour in to the conversation he says "I went to a wedding yesterday." I was a bit surprised because I had spoken to him two days ago and he hadn't mentioned any wedding.

I asked him about it, and it turned out that two of his best friends had gotten married... people that he talks about all the time. I remember when they got engaged, but there was never a mention of a wedding! I could only shake my head and laugh a little.

I just have to wonder if this is a result of only really seeing each other online and not being together in real life, or if this is something that would carry over if we were really together. I'm not sure it really matters, but it would be a little odd if we never talked about the big things if we were living together.

On censorship

21 March 2009

Recently my friend Maria reminded me that she wanted to meet Richard when he gets here. I had hoped all along that she would be able to, but I wasn't entirely sure how I was going to approach the idea. I knew it would come up eventually though. Fortunately, she insisted before I offered.

She has decided that for this one day, there will be no sight seeing. There will be eating, drinking, and chatting all day long. Part of me loves the idea and part of me is terrified. Honestly, I hate the sight seeing stuff. I hate London in the summer because it's just so full of tourism.

Actually, I'm lying... here's the real reason: I love the fact that my accent has changed (naturally, not faked) over the years. I don't immediately come across as American. I know and love London, and I am not, repeat NOT, a tourist there. When I'm on my own, I'm at home. I can blend in. When I'm with family or other American friends, I get lumped in with them. This seems like a small thing, but it's not to me. It may be silly, but it is a pet peeve.

So it will be nice to have a day where we don't have to do tourist things. Where he can get a tiny hint of what Britain is actually like. But there is plenty to be worried about.....

I'm pretty well aware that Richard and I only know each other in a very specific setting. We don't know what we're like at all times of the day in different situations, etc... We don't even know if we'll really get along if we're together. And now I'm asking my best friend (who is friends with my husband, doesn't want me to leave the country. is concerned for me, and will be looking for any little flaw) to spend the entire day with him. And him to spend the entire day with her. Drinking.

I've never seen him drunk. He doesn't drink that often, really. This combination just seems disastrous to me. I know for a fact that she and I can spend wonderful summer days doing nothing but sitting in the sun, talking and drinking because we've done it on numerous occasions. We know what to drink, when to take a break, and when to call it quits. On those days, neither of us have ever gotten stupidly drunk. We maintain a pleasant buzz. I know we can and will do that on this day. I don't know if he will.

If he doesn't, what will happen? What will he be like? Will it be a problem, or would it be fine? Will he hit on her? (He might) Would I mind? (I don't know... I think I would) Would she be upset? (Since she has a boyfriend now, she probably would be)

I mentioned this to him last time we talked. Some of it, anyway. It came up during an interesting but rather unsavory topic of conversation. I joked that while I didn't mind talking with him about this, I would prefer if this type of topic didn't come up with her. He took it as the joke it was, fortunately. But then I actually started thinking about the situation. I felt bad even making the joke, so I told him that I didn't want to imply that I didn't want him to be himself or censor him in any way... And he finished the sentence "But you're going to anyway" and laughed. I started to deny it, but I couldn't honestly do that so I just laughed and said "yeah!"

Even though the whole conversation was playful and happy, I still feel guilty over it. If I'm concerned about how the day will go and what sort of things he will say, does that mean I'm somehow ashamed of him?

I don't think that's the case. I think I'm just generally nervous because there are so many unknown factors on this day. But even so, what right do I have to try or even want to try to censor my Dom? Does this make me a bad subbie, or just human?

On actions vs. attitude

15 March 2009

What makes a Dom a Dom? For that matter, what makes a sub a sub? Should a person take those titles just because they act like one? Or is there something deeper there? Should a Dom or sub be called that if they're only sexually dominant or submissive? Or should it be true outside the bedroom too?

My friend Maria likes being tied up, she loves collars, she's tried pony play and she's slowly discovering that she gets shivers in her stomach around alpha male types. She certainly acts submissive in some ways. On paper she might even look more submissive than I am. But she's not a sub and she doesn't want to be. She likes the trappings, but doesn't want the title.

My friend George likes to think he's dominant because he likes the idea of a gang bang. He likes spankings and hair pulling and loves to hear a girl call herself a whore. But in that relationship I'm the dominant partner. Hell, if I'm honest I've been the dominant partner in most of my relationships. I certainly am in my marriage. Apart from Richard, everyone has either not been dominant enough to ask me to submit or not worth submitting to in the first place.

As for my Dom... he can seem pretty submissive at times. He'll do absolutely anything he can to make a friend smile, even if it means he doesn't have money to eat for the rest of the week. He likes to think that he's not a typical middle child, but he plays the peace-maker pretty well... sometimes. He told me once that his mum was surprised to learn that he was a Dom because she'd always thought he'd be a sub if he went one way or the other. (I have no idea how that conversation came up... not sure I want to know. hehe)

He certainly acts like a Dom, so he's got that covered. And I'll admit, at first I was a little concerned that he was just another person acting. I never felt like he was, but on paper it looked like he was. It was something I was wary of for a little while. But I never saw anything to be concerned about. After all, I can be dominant in some ways and submissive in others (even outside the bedroom). Why should I be concerned just because he's the same way?

I've come across lots of people who call themselves doms just because they like their sex rough. They have BDSM-associated fantasies like tying a girl up naked in the woods or writing "whore" across their body and think that that's all you need.

And who am I to say it isn't? I can't really know someone's inner thoughts and desires or what makes them who they are. (*thinks for a second* I'm a counsellor... should I be saying that? hehe)

I think anyone should be able to take a title or a role that they're comfortable with. But at the same time, could that be something that alters the way the vanilla world sees D/s relationships? And does that matter?

I keep thinking of religion as an example. I don't think a person is religious just because they go to church. Conversely I think you can hold your beliefs privately and not have to go somewhere just to be religious. So is a person a Dom just because someone calls them Master?

Feel free to comment... I'd love to know what other people think about this.

On sharing fantasies

14 March 2009

After reading one of my favourite blogs this morning, I started thinking about fantasies and how I share them with my Dom. I can't honestly say that I've never held back a fantasy... never wanted to hide it from him for just a little longer (knowing that I'd eventually give it up). But it was never because I was ashamed of them. It was more because I knew they wouldn't be to his taste, so I wanted to find the right time and the right way to mention them.

I usually write my fantasies. I'm more comfortable with typing than with speaking, especially when I want to choose my words carefully. He likes me to tell him, though. And not just read the ones I've written. If I've written a fantasy, he'll ask me to tell him a different one.

It's not something I'm very good at, and I know that's one thing he's like me to improve on. I do try. But I'm not very descriptive at the best of times, and during sex my mind is obviously elsewhere. I try for him, though, because I know it's what he wants.

Something just happened to make me understand him a little better though. Just for a bit of background information, Richard is a complete geek. A gamer in every sense of the word. And I love him for it. It's not my world, but it's a world I can appreciate and understand some, if not 100%.

He and I were going to watch a movie (The Gamers: Dorkness Rising) together a couple of months ago and got distracted. We've never come back to it. I probably should've waited for him, but seeing as he's not likely to have an internet connection for another month or so, I watched it today.

Suddenly I could see where so many of his traits came from. I could understand the need for description as well as where his gift for it comes from. It all made sense. I don't think it's something that will help us relate better because I had accepted those parts of him long ago. I didn't need to know where it came from. But I still like that I know.

On honesty

9 March 2009

There is a quote from A Knight's Tale that struck a chord with me the moment I heard it. "Yes I lied! I'm a writer. I give the truth scope." I'm not a writer, unfortunately, so I can't quite get away with that. But I loved the idea of just... fleshing out the truth a little. Creatively.

I have never considered myself a dishonest person, but I know I can be creative when it serves my purposes. I should stress that I'm not talking about in real life. With friends, family, and people I care about, I am truthful. But in a chat room online, sometimes you just feel like playing a role.

When I first met the man who would become my Master, one of the first things he said to me was that he required honesty in everything I said. I remember raising an eyebrow and wondering who this arrogant person thought he was.... but I decided to give it a try. What harm could it do? It has been a hard lesson at times, but a good one.

Recently though, it seems like every relationship that ends around me could've been solved or helped with just a little honesty. All around me are unhappy people who could be happier if they just talked to their partner or their friends and just say how they feel. I'm not saying it's easy. It's not. But god, it's so freeing! Usually, anyway. Last night I discovered how hard it can be to be honest just by staying quiet.

Last night I was in a horrible mood. I had been crying most of the night for various reasons. I had finally gotten it under control and was watching Almost Famous when my husband got home from work. I wanted to share the movie with him. Or part of it anyway. But he wouldn't have liked it. Instead I talked to him about music for a little while, but it obviously wasn't something he was interested in.

I can talk about music and movies for hours. Hell, weeks. But he grew up in a practically media-free household and doesn't have the same knowledge or interest that I do. I always thought it was something he might develop if he had the exposure. Silly me.

Anyway, back to the point. I was obviously disappointed, but tried not to let it show. But as we were going to bed, he said "I'm sorry I'm not the man you want or need." My heart broke... but if I had told him that he was, I would've lied. This honesty thing becomes a habit. All I could do was tell him that I loved him.

On relationships

6 March 2009

As the official end of my marriage approaches, I can't help but think of all the things I could've done differently. Then I think of all the ways a relationship can break down.

The funny thing is, before I met my husband I had never had a relationship I was really comfortable in. I look back at my ex's and they all seemed to fall under the "good enough for now" heading. I don't regret any of them but I knew I wouldn't end up with any of them either.

I see a lot of relationships around me failing. And I've never seen a relationship that I wanted to emulate. My parents had a horrible relationship that ended when I was six. They both remarried a year later and my mom has been married ever since to a wonderful man. But a long relationship doesn't mean that it's the type of relationship I want.

I know that no one can guarantee that a relationship will be good and long or anything else. Life doesn't work like that. But I'm still looking for a guarantee, I think. I know the things that I do well in a relationship and I know the things I don't do so well.

I'm pretty good about relaxing and letting my man be himself, whoever that is. For instance, I'm not one of those women who makes their house all about them, paints their bedroom pink, and allocates their man one room (or maybe a shed in the garden) for the things he enjoys. But I'm so good at being relaxed and low-maintenance (in that situation, anyway) that I sometimes make my man feel like I don't need him.

At the end of one relationship and the potential beginning of another, I find myself trying to foresee and fix any problems in the future. Yes, I know this is completely stupid and pointless.

But part of me wonders if the D/s element to this relationship can help with some basic problems. After all, communication is key. So is honesty. You pay attention to little things about your partner, be it their mood or their comfort levels or whatever. Sure everyone makes mistakes, but these things are all crucial for a BDSM relationship.

I do think that communication and openness are two things that fail in a relationship and a big part of the reason they break down. So if he's a good Dom and I'm a good sub, maybe that won't be as much of a problem. It's not a guarantee. But maybe it's a ward against basic problems that so many people have. Or maybe I'll just have to keep my fingers crossed and take things as they come, just like everyone else. *smiles*