On expectations

30 March 2009

What does a Dom expect when he looks for a sub? The obvious answer is obedience. Different doms have different expectations and different desires, of course. But I've noticed something lately. Something that seems to tie so many subbies together.

They are often writers. They are descriptive and poetic and often flowery. And I say "they" for a reason, because I am not. I wouldn't begin to suggest that I'm the only one who isn't, but I would say that I'm the only one I've come across as far as I know.

Oddly enough, that was one of my Dom's expectations. It was never a requirement, but it was something he assumed came in the package. From what I've seen, I'd say it's a fair assumption. Too bad he got me. *smiles*

I'm creative and I can write. But I am not poetic and I'm not descriptive. Delores Claybourne is one of my favourite books because it's all dialogue. Read it some time; it's fantastic. That's how I'm most comfortable with writing. I know people. I know how they interact. I can write dialogue. But he wants description.

Once in an effort to pry description from me, he had me find two photographs that I loved and describe them in as much detail as possible. I did it and struggled. But the one thing I learned is that the more I looked at the photograph, the less I liked it. When I looked at the details, I started finding flaws. I learned that I prefer having a vague general impression of something rather than looking too closely. I'm sure that says a lot about me, but if vague impressions make me happy, so be it.

Really I'm just musing on the idea that there can be expectations you didn't really know about. He expected any subbie he eventually had to be sweet and flowery and bouncy because everyone he knew was. He wouldn't say that it was required in his woman anymore than you would say you require your significant other to have two eyes and ten fingers. You could probably live without it, but it's still what you expect.

Part of me feels bad for not having that in me. And I don't think he's ready to accept that I don't. He wants to help me grow in every way, and this one is top on the list. But I think we need to find the balance between growth and accepting me for who and what I am.

On trusting the government

26 March 2009

Awhile ago I wrote about a new law that had been passed that basically criminalized half of the BDSM community. This happened more because of broad wording than intent. Well... stated intent, anyway. When teams of people work on the exact wording of a law and choose to leave it broad and up for interpretation, it makes me nervous.

Well, they've done it again. Non-photograpic, pornographic images of children are now illegal. But there is no definition of what constitutes pornography in this case. They have not specifically said "a child engaged in a sex act" so is the fountain on the top of this post illegal?

It worries me enough that things that are drawn or written as fantasy and fiction are being censored. But to some degree I can understand why. I'm not sure I would support it, but I can understand it. But things that are harmless are now illegal, following the letter of the law. And it puts me in an awkward position because some things that I love could be considered illegal.

I've mentioned before that I'm a huge anime geek. Obviously a lot of shota and loli material would probably be illegal, but so could some fairly basic animes. One of my favourites features high school-aged children. Well actually, if we're being honest they're monsters in human form. There's nothing in there that I would consider pornographic. No sexual acts apart from a kiss has ever been shown. But it is still a sexually charged atmosphere and there are constant pantie shots. It's more humourous than sexual, really. But I guess if we follow the exact wording, it's illegal. And I just have to trust that the government won't target something that harmless.

I am absolutely a proponent of child protection. There isn't much that I feel more strongly about. But this trend of leaving so much open for interpretation concerns me. We shouln't have to trust our government to this degree. Even if the current plan it to target only the extremes, the groundwork is already there to target the minutia in the future. If a law was passed that made smoking anything illegal, would people be pacified if they said they were only targeting illicit drugs? I think not.

On daily lives

25 March 2009

Does daily life get in the way of a relationship, or deepen it? I'm not talking about the significant parts of daily life, but the random shit that we all do.

I hate the question "how was your day?" Because more often than not, nothing of note happened. And if it did, I'm likely to tell someone about it before they ask about my day. There is an episode of Futurama where the answer to that question was "Well, first I got up and I had a piece of toast. Then I brushed my teeth....." and so on. None of that matters! But if I'm asked, somehow I find myself talking about all that crap anyway. I blame my mother. *chuckles*

It occurred to me that Richard and I don't do that. He has never asked me how my day was, and I love him for it. It seems like if you don't ask the question, you can still talk about the minutia of your day if you want, but you don't feel like you're searching for something to say.

But actually, just last night I was thinking that there's a lot that he and I don't talk about. We might talk about how much he hates his sister-in-law or what commercials play on the radio at 4am, but somehow we skip over the bigger things. Sometimes I tell him when I have a new client, but I often forget to mention when I've stopped seeing them. Sometimes I don't mention when I go away for a weekend and he forgets to tell me that his dad has offered to pay for his trip over here.

I'm not sure if that's good or bad. *smiles* Anyway, last night I mentioned this phenomenon in my journal, which he isn't reading at the moment because he still doesn't have an internet connection. I talked to him today and an hour in to the conversation he says "I went to a wedding yesterday." I was a bit surprised because I had spoken to him two days ago and he hadn't mentioned any wedding.

I asked him about it, and it turned out that two of his best friends had gotten married... people that he talks about all the time. I remember when they got engaged, but there was never a mention of a wedding! I could only shake my head and laugh a little.

I just have to wonder if this is a result of only really seeing each other online and not being together in real life, or if this is something that would carry over if we were really together. I'm not sure it really matters, but it would be a little odd if we never talked about the big things if we were living together.

On censorship

21 March 2009

Recently my friend Maria reminded me that she wanted to meet Richard when he gets here. I had hoped all along that she would be able to, but I wasn't entirely sure how I was going to approach the idea. I knew it would come up eventually though. Fortunately, she insisted before I offered.

She has decided that for this one day, there will be no sight seeing. There will be eating, drinking, and chatting all day long. Part of me loves the idea and part of me is terrified. Honestly, I hate the sight seeing stuff. I hate London in the summer because it's just so full of tourism.

Actually, I'm lying... here's the real reason: I love the fact that my accent has changed (naturally, not faked) over the years. I don't immediately come across as American. I know and love London, and I am not, repeat NOT, a tourist there. When I'm on my own, I'm at home. I can blend in. When I'm with family or other American friends, I get lumped in with them. This seems like a small thing, but it's not to me. It may be silly, but it is a pet peeve.

So it will be nice to have a day where we don't have to do tourist things. Where he can get a tiny hint of what Britain is actually like. But there is plenty to be worried about.....

I'm pretty well aware that Richard and I only know each other in a very specific setting. We don't know what we're like at all times of the day in different situations, etc... We don't even know if we'll really get along if we're together. And now I'm asking my best friend (who is friends with my husband, doesn't want me to leave the country. is concerned for me, and will be looking for any little flaw) to spend the entire day with him. And him to spend the entire day with her. Drinking.

I've never seen him drunk. He doesn't drink that often, really. This combination just seems disastrous to me. I know for a fact that she and I can spend wonderful summer days doing nothing but sitting in the sun, talking and drinking because we've done it on numerous occasions. We know what to drink, when to take a break, and when to call it quits. On those days, neither of us have ever gotten stupidly drunk. We maintain a pleasant buzz. I know we can and will do that on this day. I don't know if he will.

If he doesn't, what will happen? What will he be like? Will it be a problem, or would it be fine? Will he hit on her? (He might) Would I mind? (I don't know... I think I would) Would she be upset? (Since she has a boyfriend now, she probably would be)

I mentioned this to him last time we talked. Some of it, anyway. It came up during an interesting but rather unsavory topic of conversation. I joked that while I didn't mind talking with him about this, I would prefer if this type of topic didn't come up with her. He took it as the joke it was, fortunately. But then I actually started thinking about the situation. I felt bad even making the joke, so I told him that I didn't want to imply that I didn't want him to be himself or censor him in any way... And he finished the sentence "But you're going to anyway" and laughed. I started to deny it, but I couldn't honestly do that so I just laughed and said "yeah!"

Even though the whole conversation was playful and happy, I still feel guilty over it. If I'm concerned about how the day will go and what sort of things he will say, does that mean I'm somehow ashamed of him?

I don't think that's the case. I think I'm just generally nervous because there are so many unknown factors on this day. But even so, what right do I have to try or even want to try to censor my Dom? Does this make me a bad subbie, or just human?

On actions vs. attitude

15 March 2009

What makes a Dom a Dom? For that matter, what makes a sub a sub? Should a person take those titles just because they act like one? Or is there something deeper there? Should a Dom or sub be called that if they're only sexually dominant or submissive? Or should it be true outside the bedroom too?

My friend Maria likes being tied up, she loves collars, she's tried pony play and she's slowly discovering that she gets shivers in her stomach around alpha male types. She certainly acts submissive in some ways. On paper she might even look more submissive than I am. But she's not a sub and she doesn't want to be. She likes the trappings, but doesn't want the title.

My friend George likes to think he's dominant because he likes the idea of a gang bang. He likes spankings and hair pulling and loves to hear a girl call herself a whore. But in that relationship I'm the dominant partner. Hell, if I'm honest I've been the dominant partner in most of my relationships. I certainly am in my marriage. Apart from Richard, everyone has either not been dominant enough to ask me to submit or not worth submitting to in the first place.

As for my Dom... he can seem pretty submissive at times. He'll do absolutely anything he can to make a friend smile, even if it means he doesn't have money to eat for the rest of the week. He likes to think that he's not a typical middle child, but he plays the peace-maker pretty well... sometimes. He told me once that his mum was surprised to learn that he was a Dom because she'd always thought he'd be a sub if he went one way or the other. (I have no idea how that conversation came up... not sure I want to know. hehe)

He certainly acts like a Dom, so he's got that covered. And I'll admit, at first I was a little concerned that he was just another person acting. I never felt like he was, but on paper it looked like he was. It was something I was wary of for a little while. But I never saw anything to be concerned about. After all, I can be dominant in some ways and submissive in others (even outside the bedroom). Why should I be concerned just because he's the same way?

I've come across lots of people who call themselves doms just because they like their sex rough. They have BDSM-associated fantasies like tying a girl up naked in the woods or writing "whore" across their body and think that that's all you need.

And who am I to say it isn't? I can't really know someone's inner thoughts and desires or what makes them who they are. (*thinks for a second* I'm a counsellor... should I be saying that? hehe)

I think anyone should be able to take a title or a role that they're comfortable with. But at the same time, could that be something that alters the way the vanilla world sees D/s relationships? And does that matter?

I keep thinking of religion as an example. I don't think a person is religious just because they go to church. Conversely I think you can hold your beliefs privately and not have to go somewhere just to be religious. So is a person a Dom just because someone calls them Master?

Feel free to comment... I'd love to know what other people think about this.

On sharing fantasies

14 March 2009

After reading one of my favourite blogs this morning, I started thinking about fantasies and how I share them with my Dom. I can't honestly say that I've never held back a fantasy... never wanted to hide it from him for just a little longer (knowing that I'd eventually give it up). But it was never because I was ashamed of them. It was more because I knew they wouldn't be to his taste, so I wanted to find the right time and the right way to mention them.

I usually write my fantasies. I'm more comfortable with typing than with speaking, especially when I want to choose my words carefully. He likes me to tell him, though. And not just read the ones I've written. If I've written a fantasy, he'll ask me to tell him a different one.

It's not something I'm very good at, and I know that's one thing he's like me to improve on. I do try. But I'm not very descriptive at the best of times, and during sex my mind is obviously elsewhere. I try for him, though, because I know it's what he wants.

Something just happened to make me understand him a little better though. Just for a bit of background information, Richard is a complete geek. A gamer in every sense of the word. And I love him for it. It's not my world, but it's a world I can appreciate and understand some, if not 100%.

He and I were going to watch a movie (The Gamers: Dorkness Rising) together a couple of months ago and got distracted. We've never come back to it. I probably should've waited for him, but seeing as he's not likely to have an internet connection for another month or so, I watched it today.

Suddenly I could see where so many of his traits came from. I could understand the need for description as well as where his gift for it comes from. It all made sense. I don't think it's something that will help us relate better because I had accepted those parts of him long ago. I didn't need to know where it came from. But I still like that I know.

On honesty

9 March 2009

There is a quote from A Knight's Tale that struck a chord with me the moment I heard it. "Yes I lied! I'm a writer. I give the truth scope." I'm not a writer, unfortunately, so I can't quite get away with that. But I loved the idea of just... fleshing out the truth a little. Creatively.

I have never considered myself a dishonest person, but I know I can be creative when it serves my purposes. I should stress that I'm not talking about in real life. With friends, family, and people I care about, I am truthful. But in a chat room online, sometimes you just feel like playing a role.

When I first met the man who would become my Master, one of the first things he said to me was that he required honesty in everything I said. I remember raising an eyebrow and wondering who this arrogant person thought he was.... but I decided to give it a try. What harm could it do? It has been a hard lesson at times, but a good one.

Recently though, it seems like every relationship that ends around me could've been solved or helped with just a little honesty. All around me are unhappy people who could be happier if they just talked to their partner or their friends and just say how they feel. I'm not saying it's easy. It's not. But god, it's so freeing! Usually, anyway. Last night I discovered how hard it can be to be honest just by staying quiet.

Last night I was in a horrible mood. I had been crying most of the night for various reasons. I had finally gotten it under control and was watching Almost Famous when my husband got home from work. I wanted to share the movie with him. Or part of it anyway. But he wouldn't have liked it. Instead I talked to him about music for a little while, but it obviously wasn't something he was interested in.

I can talk about music and movies for hours. Hell, weeks. But he grew up in a practically media-free household and doesn't have the same knowledge or interest that I do. I always thought it was something he might develop if he had the exposure. Silly me.

Anyway, back to the point. I was obviously disappointed, but tried not to let it show. But as we were going to bed, he said "I'm sorry I'm not the man you want or need." My heart broke... but if I had told him that he was, I would've lied. This honesty thing becomes a habit. All I could do was tell him that I loved him.

On relationships

6 March 2009

As the official end of my marriage approaches, I can't help but think of all the things I could've done differently. Then I think of all the ways a relationship can break down.

The funny thing is, before I met my husband I had never had a relationship I was really comfortable in. I look back at my ex's and they all seemed to fall under the "good enough for now" heading. I don't regret any of them but I knew I wouldn't end up with any of them either.

I see a lot of relationships around me failing. And I've never seen a relationship that I wanted to emulate. My parents had a horrible relationship that ended when I was six. They both remarried a year later and my mom has been married ever since to a wonderful man. But a long relationship doesn't mean that it's the type of relationship I want.

I know that no one can guarantee that a relationship will be good and long or anything else. Life doesn't work like that. But I'm still looking for a guarantee, I think. I know the things that I do well in a relationship and I know the things I don't do so well.

I'm pretty good about relaxing and letting my man be himself, whoever that is. For instance, I'm not one of those women who makes their house all about them, paints their bedroom pink, and allocates their man one room (or maybe a shed in the garden) for the things he enjoys. But I'm so good at being relaxed and low-maintenance (in that situation, anyway) that I sometimes make my man feel like I don't need him.

At the end of one relationship and the potential beginning of another, I find myself trying to foresee and fix any problems in the future. Yes, I know this is completely stupid and pointless.

But part of me wonders if the D/s element to this relationship can help with some basic problems. After all, communication is key. So is honesty. You pay attention to little things about your partner, be it their mood or their comfort levels or whatever. Sure everyone makes mistakes, but these things are all crucial for a BDSM relationship.

I do think that communication and openness are two things that fail in a relationship and a big part of the reason they break down. So if he's a good Dom and I'm a good sub, maybe that won't be as much of a problem. It's not a guarantee. But maybe it's a ward against basic problems that so many people have. Or maybe I'll just have to keep my fingers crossed and take things as they come, just like everyone else. *smiles*

On perfection

2 March 2009

It's funny how a certain theme suddenly appears everywhere. In the last three days the idea of a perfect partner has come up in a lot of conversations.

I was in a favourite chat room on Saturday and after one man declared me his ideal woman for the third time (*rolls eyes*) I simply said that I didn't believe in perfect partners. Apparently I was the only one. The main person I was talking to said he was a great believer in true love, but I pointed out that I never said I didn't believe in true love. I just don't believe in perfect partners. Even if there are elements of your personality that mesh perfectly, real life will get in the way at some point. Even with true love, the hoovering still needs doing.

Then on Sunday I was talking to a friend (lets call him George) about a story I have been thinking about writing. It's about a girl and her dom, but it's not about me and mine. Not really. It's sort of a fantasy, but the woman in the story is less submissive but more extreme than I am. George knows R (I should really give my Dom a name rather than just an initial... Let's call him Richard from now on) and there is occasionally a little tension between them. I've mentioned George before as the playmate who can get really clingy.

Anyway, George asked if the dom in this story was Richard and I realised that he really really wasn't. Really nothing like him, in fact. I don't want to give anything away in case I decide to publish the story here, but no, they're not very much alike. I told George that maybe this guy was my ideal Dom. He's harsh and uncaring. And if I'm honest, I'm much more comfortable with just sex than when love is involved too. But ideal doesn't mean perfect. Sometimes what we want isn't what is best for us.

And then on Monday, I read Sarah's blog about a similar thing. And I completely agree. Knowing what your partner isn't 100% perfect doesn't ever mean you're settling or just accepting what you're given. And who wants perfection anyway? I don't want someone who is just like me or a relationship where there's never any conflict. Problems can teach you more about each other. And resolving those problems bring you closer together. I value the places where Richard and I are different as much as I value the places where we're alike.

On balance

1 March 2009

My Dom has a one word motto that he tries very hard to live by: Balance. For every bad, there is a good. I suppose that's why he doesn't worry about things that go wrong. He knows they'll eventually swing around for the better. I have to admit though, I expected to have to wait longer for things to swing back to good again.

If we felt disconnected a few days ago, it has certainly balanced out now. I have never felt more connected than we did yesterday. I let everything else in my head fall away, and it was just him and me.

It's so easy to worry about thin walls or that someone might just happen to knock on the door. Or worse still, that my husband's work schedule will change and he'll come home early. He certainly doesn't deserve a surprise like that. Yesterday it didn't really cross my mind.

His orders were obeyed without question or hesitation. At one point, R wanted me to fuck my throat with a toy and I did without thought. I didn't taste the plastic like I normally would. I didn't stop to think of how silly it must look. None of that mattered. It felt like he was fucking my throat (except that the toy is quite a bit smaller than he is) and I needed that. He wanted it to feel as real as possible for me. He was rather disappointed that the only toy I have with a suction cup is a small butt plug. Guess I know what my next toy purchase will be. *grins*

I won't go in to too many details, but I always marvel at the fact that I can be more satisfied from one orgasm with him than I am from 10 with a random playmate. I guess with Master, it goes beyond physical. It's a mindfuck as much as anything else.

On a more disappointing note, he is sans internet for a few weeks. I'll get to talk to him for maybe two hours a week over the phone, but that's not a lot. But while that's obviously disappointing, I actually feel pretty ok about it. Not that long ago, I would have been dreading all those days without even a hello. Now, I'm just looking forward to the next time we talk, even though that'll probably be a week or more away.

It's easy to say that now though. *chuckles* We'll see if I'm still saying that at the end of the week.