On weekends

30 September 2009

This weekend Richard decided to go for romance over kink for the most part. He believes that the two do not go hand in hand, and although I'm not sure I agree with that, I didn't mind the change of pace. But for the first day, there was kink.

For example, there were handjobs on the highway. We stopped by the adult superstore just to glance and maybe do a little toy shopping. That little side trip may have netted me a job. I have an interview there tomorrow.

When we got home we slept... or we started to anyway. We were both exhausted, but there's just something about having your lover naked in your arms again. For a moment, your exhaustion goes away. He asked me what I wanted and I couldn't decide... I wanted to be fucked, but I wanted his cock in my mouth. So he went to my toy drawer and decided for me.

The toy he picked is scary. It has little latex barbs all over it. If the toy were half an inch thinner, it would be wonderful. But it's so thick it usually ends up hurting, especially without some lube. I mention this to him with a little tremor in my voice. He raises an eyebrow and glances down between my legs.

"Slut, I've never seen you or any other girl as wet as you are now. If it hurts, I will go slow. But I don't think it'll hurt."

Damn it, he was right. He fed me his cock and bent over to slide the toy inside. He often teases me with the tip, but not this time. He shoved it all the way inside, deep and hard, and groaned as my muffled moans reached his ears.

He turned it slowly, just teasing me and letting the barbs scrape inside me so I could concentrate on deep throating him. As he got harder and thicker in my mouth, getting closer to giving me his cum, he started to pound the toy inside me. And when we were done and even more exhausted than before, we lay in each other's arms again, marveling at the wonder of those orgasms and at the wonder of simply being together again.

When we woke he blindfolded me, gave me another toy, and put on some porn. He wanted me to listen to the people. He told me to describe how hearing their bodies slapping together made my pussy clench. He watched me fuck myself with the toy without me knowing. I thought he was sitting behind me watching the TV but he was beside me so he could do both. After the third time I had cum on the toy, he came across my chest which surprised and delighted me.

The next two days there was no sex at all, but somehow it didn't seem strange. It wasn't planned that way, really. It just happened. We woke up early and drove a long way just to get breakfast. When I say early, I mean before 4am. We went out to the lake and watched the fog on the water. Eventually, we watched the sunrise, and it was beautiful.

I think we slept most of that day. But we slept curled up together on the couch. The next morning we woke up early again, just so we could watch V for Vendetta. I had never seen it but had wanted to. Unfortunately I had been awake hours before he had and took an alergy pill that I knew would put me to sleep. As I was coming out of the bathroom, walking quietly so I didn't disturb him, he says "You don't have to sneak around, pet. I'm awake." So about half way through the movie the pill hits me and I'm struggling not to drift off. But it was such an incredible movie, I managed.

This weekend he helped me look for jobs, helped me with some housework, held me while I slept.... This weekend we talked about long-term relationships and made plans to go see his mum at the end of October. This weekend, we tried to pack in as much as we could, because we won't be seeing much of each other next month.

It is my birthday in about two weeks and we will spend a couple of days together then. But then, a friend is coming from England. We have talked about it and right now, it would be a bad idea for her to meet Richard, so I won't see him or even talk to him much while she is here. And after that, we drive up to see his mum. Four days together in a month. And two of those with other people.

It isn't much. But they will be good four days. We will survive.

On fat

23 September 2009

I came across a blog today that I hadn't seen before. And it gave me the courage and motivation to write about something that I had held back about before.

I hate my body. I always have. Richard once asked me to tell him something I loved about it and I answered that I loved my lips. He told me he knew for a fact that I had beautiful hair and gorgeous eyes. This was before we met. And I agreed, but they still give me problems. He asked for something that I loved that was more... flesh based, shall we say. There was nothing. I literally thought of every part of my body, down to my toe nails, and there was nothing that I liked.

Now then, I need to qualify that statement with a few others. First and foremost, while this is a body image issue, it is NOT a case of a size 2 woman thinking she's fat. This is a case of a overweight woman knowing she's overweight and hating it. Second, while there may not be many things that I love about myself, there also aren't many things I would change. If I had a magic wand, I would get rid of the extra pounds and keep the rest. I may have stupid square-shaped fingernails, but they're mine and I wouldn't change them. Finally and most importantly, even though I hate my body, I do not hate myself.

In this post Firefey mentions different things that people think will happen when they are thin. I can't remember at time when I've ever done that. Forgive my arrogance, but I think I'm pretty awesome just the way I am. Personality-wise, at least. Instead, I think "If I were thin, I would be able to go to six flags again and ride all the roller coasters without being uncomfortable."

I am happy and content with my life and who I am right now. But I don't think anyone should ever be completely content. Part of what I love about my submission is the self-exploration that comes with it. I want to grow. Not in to a different person, but in to a more complete version of myself.

So I alternate between self-acceptance and self-betterment. I accept my body and my weight. I hate it, but I accept it. I walk around naked and I don't despair every time I see part of my body that is more than a little pudgy. But at the same time, if I don't like it, why shouldn't I try to change? I will never be a size 2, nor would I want to! My goals aren't sizes or even weights. In fact, what I consider my ideal weight would still be overweight by BMI standards. I just want to like the way I look.

I'm sure there are some people out there thinking that I could never be satisfied with the way I look. And they could be right. But I remember a time when I did. A little over a decade ago, I had a wreck that led to surgery, which led to an inability to be as active as I had previously been. But before that wreck, I enjoyed parts of my body.

I was still overweight. My calves were still round instead of lithe and my stomach still pooched. But round or not, my calves and thighs were muscular and tight. My arms were firm and my face was thinner and cute.

I still will not be able to be as active as I was back then, but there's no reason that I can't get parts of my body back to a place where I am satisfied. I will always have image issues. I always have and I always will. But my image issues have never stopped me from doing the things that I wanted to do or being the person I wanted to be.

There is one other thing to say on this matter. The dichotomy of of self-acceptance and self-betterment is exacerbated by Richard. This isn't a complaint about him, but merely a fact. He loves and accepts me for me. But he also wants me to lose weight. He also wants him to lose weight. He says it is because he wants us both to be healthy and I believe him. But every time he says it, I search his eyes and his tone, looking for any little bit of dissatisfaction.

We haven't talked about my body since we met. He has seen every inch of me, so there is no hiding. When we were trying to figure out where we stood with each other, obviously I was wondering if it was an issue. After the first time we had sex and I knew for a fact that he had seen everything I wanted to hide, I kept waiting for something to be said. I kept wondering if it was an issue, like I always worried that it would be.

The morning after, during breakfast, we were talking briefly again about if the relationship would continue and he said "From everything I've seen, there's no reason why it wouldn't." Right then, I put my concerns and worries out of my head.

There is still a possibility that there are parts of my body that he hates and wants to go nowhere near. There is still a possibility that he is disgusted by parts of me. I don't have the courage to ask because I'm afraid of the answer. He and I promised each other honesty and we have always given it, even when it was hard for one or both of us to hear. He would not lie now.

But if there are things that disgust him, he has decided that they don't matter. He still wants to be with me. And in the end, that's all that matters. Later, he asked me if my self-image concerns had been put to rest now that we had actually met. I believe my reply was "Oh god no!! Not even a little bit! But... the other morning you told me there was no reason not to be with me. So I figure that they don't matter."

Another time I will write more about image in general. But for now, I needed the cathartic experience of writing about my own body.

On Commitment

If I had remembered what my last post had been about, I would've written much sooner. It's funny how quickly things change and how easy it is to forget moments of bad mood or sadness.

For this news to make sense, I should probably give just a little background. Because our relationship was strictly online for so long, the commitment level was... well, fairly minimal. We knew we liked each other and knew that this relationship could work in real life, but we also knew that it might not. I was his, but at the same time I wasn't. I had no collar, either real or metaphorical, but I knew I had a place by his side.

Over the course of time, I started wearing a little chain around my wrist. This was practical rather than ornamental or symbolic. Sometimes during play we would use it as a nipple chain and it was easier if I knew where it was at all times. I never considered it a collar, but it was a nice reminder of him and the fun we had together.

A couple days after we first met, we were having the relationship discussion that I mentioned a few posts ago. We gave this relationship a "just dating" status, but that didn't seem right to me. I told him that it felt like he was pushing me away, even just a little, but that I was afraid I would pull away more on my own.

This topic stayed on my mind. I didn't want to put my relationship defenses up around him, partly because his were up. And if his were up, I didn't think he could tear mine down like he always did before. The more my defenses went up, the more I thought until finally I realised that I could either pull away from him or I could tear them down myself. I have given him the ability to hurt me physically and mentally, so why shouldn't he have access to my emotions as well.

That night I told him I had been thinking and that I decided that he was still the exact same person I knew online. And I loved that person. I don't know everything about him and I can't say that we'd be together forever. But I don't want to pull away. I want to give us a chance. I also told him that I didn't expect him to feel the same thing right now, but he knew where I was when or if he ever did. He smiled, hugged me close, and we dropped the subject.

All this was at the back of my annoyance the other day. I knew that he was still viewing our relationship as far more casual than I wanted it to be. And while I understood why, it still hurt. I started thinking that it would be much easier if I could view it the way he did, or even just as sex with no relationship.

But I mentioned all this to him and by the time I went to pick him up, I was only a little apprehensive and a tad frustrated. It didn't help that I had started my drive at 2:30 am and that I was going to see a man who had had a few too many energy drinks that night. I lovingly told him that I might have to kill him before the night was out if he didn't calm the fuck down. hehe

When I picked him up, we went to breakfast. As soon as I stopped the car he was teasing me. He told me he loved the look on my face every time he twisted my nipples. But eventually hunger won out over teasing and we got out of the car.

He looked so happy when he gave me a hug, and of course the energy drinks were still making him pretty bouncy. But I commented on his smile and happiness and he said "Well of course I'm happy! The girl I love just drove two hours to see me and we're about to eat the best breakfast ever!"

The girl he loved..... There had been an unspoken agreement that that wouldn't be said until we were sure. I had said it when I was, did that mean that now he was? Or was it the energy drinks?! We kept walking slowly to the restaurant with all this running through my head. I said nothing.

"I hope you heard that."

He meant it. Holy shit.... Wait a minute, what changed in the last couple of days? He didn't feel that way when he was trying to decide whether he should come this week. So what happened?! "I heard it."

I couldn't respond to it though. I didn't know if I trusted it. We ate breakfast and laughed and made fun of the terrible music. He drew a ketchup heart on his hashbrowns and I called him a loser, teasingly of course.

And then finally I had to ask. Something had changed, and if I were going to believe him, I needed to know what. He told me that, for one thing, he had had the "what if" question about his ex. What if she came back in to his life. Now he knew. He knew that even when she was begging, he didn't want her back.

He told me I was sweet and giving and laughed at me when I blushed. He ran his fingers around my bracelet and said that it had history. Whether it was supposed to or not, it symbolised something special. And he said he didn't know where the relationship was going to take us either, but he was ok with going along for the ride.

I was ecstatically happy, but I tried not to show it as I always do in those moments. He looked at me after a few moments of silence and said "And you're trying not to break into this huge smile, aren't you?" I laughed, told him to shut up, and let the smile out.

When we got back to the car, his kisses were different. The first time we met, they had been little kisses. Sweet, but lacking the passion I had expected. Now the passion was there. Everything I expected and more. They were the best kisses I have ever had.

Those kisses led further. I've noticed that I never hesitate when I'm with him. With anyone else, I would worry (even for just a moment) that someone will see when we're in public. In private, my self-consciousness will get the better of me and I'll be nervous. With him, I just act.

Soon he had me bent backwards against my car, shirt and bra off, while he sucked and bit at my nipples. *shivers* He made me come just like that, and then we got in to the car. There were a couple of trucks around, parked while their drivers were sleeping... I can't help but wonder if we gave any of them a show.

I hesitated before starting the car. Ok, I had come, but... he was still hard! He wasn't asking for anything, but I wanted to give it. My mouth had missed him. He noticed my hesitation and smirked. "Does my whore want something else?"

We put the seat back and I started to lick and suck. The angle was terrible and by the end my jaw was aching. But I kept licking even as I swallowed his come. He stayed hard. God, I love that he can do that. "Do you want another?"

I thought about it for just a second.... I could barely open my jaw. But I wanted more. The second time like that never takes long, and it delights me that he loves my mouth... my body.... that much. So I nodded and slid him deep inside my throat again. Mmm... is there anything better than your man's moans?

A few minutes later I sat up, grinning from ear to ear. He laughed at me, and then we both laughed at how steamed up the car had gotten. hehe And thus began one of the most perfect, sex-filled, happy days I have ever had. It began with commitment, laughter, and sex.

On love vs. sex

14 September 2009

I'm starting to think it would be easier to have a Dom that wasn't also a boyfriend. Not that Richard is actually my boyfriend at this point... but that's beside the point. At this particular second, I think I'm just feeling like I need a break from relationship-y things, but I still want sex and submission in my life.

Last Saturday, Master and I tried to decide when we would see each other again. I offered to come pick him up on Tuesday night after work (early Wednesday morning, technically) and drive us back here. It would amount to 10 hours of driving in less than 36 hours by the time I got him back home, but it would mean more privacy and a more relaxed atmosphere.

Since then, I've been making sure the house is clean, buying nice food for us, making sure my nails are done and my eyebrows are plucked... all the things a girl does to get ready for her guy.

Today he calls with two pieces of news. First, his most recent ex has gotten back in touch with him, still isn't over him after a year, wants him back, but claims to be happy that he is with someone. Second, he has double booked his Wednesday between me and another ex.

This other ex likes to tease him with sex that she will probably never give him. He teases her back (although he would be happy to give it to her if the opportunity arose) so he counts it as mutual use rather than manipulation. The teasing would be harmless, except that he knows full well that she gets very jealous of anyone else around him. She doesn't want him, but she doesn't want anyone else to have him.

The plans with her are for Wednesday night. In theory, she will pick him up late and drive him back to her house where she and her boyfriend will get stoned. There are a few problems with this theory. A) The car is uninsured and she shouldn't be driving it. B) She's night blind and shouldn't be driving at all at night. C) Richard has no interest in getting stoned with them. D) Richard and her boyfriend had a bit of a falling out last time they were together.

Now then, I would like to say upfront that I think he's a fool for staying friends with her. She comes across as manipulative and petty and although I have never met her, the fact that all of Richard's friends hold that opinion of her does little to change my mind. Having said that, it is his choice to be friends with her, and I do my best to support that choice. If he wants to spend time with her, great.

But when it's a choice between plans with her that he admits are bad plans, and plans with me... *shrugs* I guess I'm a little offended that there is even a conflict.

If this were just sex, then of course friends win out. I have no issue with that. But because there's more to it than that, I'm feeling disappointed. I should also probably say at this point that he will almost certainly still come here. But that's kind of not the point. He's having to think about it.

If he wants to spend time with me, shouldn't that come first over everything else? Is that asking too much? It probably is, honestly.

It's more than I want to deal with right now though. I want a hurt ass, not hurt feelings. That doesn't mean that I don't want the relationship too... I think sex is always better with someone you love. But right now, just for a little while, I don't want to deal with the minor disappointments that relationships always bring. Sure, the good things almost always outweigh the bad. But just for a couple of weeks, can't I just have the good without the bad?

Part two

7 September 2009

The next day I calmed down, got some sleep, and talked to some friends who, of course, all wanted to know how the meeting went. And as I'm writing about all the wonderful things that happened, the tiny minor negative just didn't matter. I was happy and I knew it.

Imagine my surprise when a couple hours later I get a call from Richard. "Hey, plans have changed.... any chance you can come back?"

I thought about it, fighting the urge to run straight out of the door. Another night with him in more private surroundings would be perfect. But was one night worth another tank of gas? In the end, we expanded these plans somewhat. I would drive over there for Monday night, then on Tuesday night after he worked he could come back with me and stay for a couple of days. I've worked hard on my new house and I really wanted to show it off.

I'm afraid I can't go in to the same level of detail about those days as I did with the last post. But so much happened and I'm not even sure I can remember it all.

There were bad moments where we tried to define our relationship and realised that we were both pushing each other away. We have always said "I love you." But we still haven't said it when we're face to face. We're both hesitant and want to take things slow. This is made more difficult by the fact that he keeps introducing me to friends and family who all make the assumption that I'm his girlfriend. I'm not. At the moment, we're just trying each other on for size and having a great time doing it.

At the same time, I love the fact that he's introducing me to people. We may be doing our best to put up armor around our hearts and take things slow, but that doesn't stop him from showing me his life and trying to make me part of that life.

There were good moments where he tested my pain threshold and put beautiful thin stripes across my ass. I've always said I don't get off on pain, but maybe I should say I don't get off on extreme pain. It would be pretty hard to deny the way my body reacted.

I can't say that the whole session was good, because I did push myself too far. We were in a strange place personally right then, so it was probably a bad time to be trying something like that in retrospect. I could only focus on my own body rather than focusing on him. It was still pleasurable, but when the pain got too much for my body, my mind didn't have anywhere else to go. And I didn't stop him for awhile. I think he was testing my ability to use our safeword as much as my pain levels. We also got interrupted, so it could've been a better session.

But our first experience with breath control was incredible. I was shaking from the second his hand went to my throat. In fact, just last night I woke up from a dream... I was in bed alone at the time, but I still woke up mid-orgasm just because I had been dreaming about his hand around my neck. God, I'd never have anything like that happen to me.

There were also good moments in my house where he suggested we go buy some oreos and milk and curl up on the couch to watch all the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. *grins* We ended up watching some anime instead, but that's not the point. I love that we have that aspect of the relationship as well. It's wonderful to feel owned and it is wonderful to feel loved. To feel both is just.... indescribable.

On bliss

3 September 2009

Well, it finally happened. Richard and I finally met. *grins*

This may have been the most confusing week of my life! Two weeks ago, I moved to my new home. Over the next few days I tried to set it up, throw boxes away, learn my new town, etc... My new house has really terrible phone reception, so it was difficult to speak to Richard, but I was making it work. He told me about a house warming party that one of his friends was having and told me I was invited. I had chatted with this friend on occasion and really got along with her. So we decided that we would take that occasion to meet for the first time.

I'm still not quite sure what happened but on Saturday, a week before the party, I got a message from him saying "want to do lunch?" I was a little surprised, a lot nervous, and even more excited. I told him of course and then panicked when I got his next message.

"Be here by 12:30"

It was already after 10 and it takes a little over two hours to drive to his town. I double checked the time and the route and found that that gave me 9 minutes before I had to leave. 9 minutes to prepare myself, mentally and physically, to meet my Dom for the first time. 9 minutes! And I hadn't even had a shower yet.

Long story short, I didn't make it by 12:30, but only because my car was having brake trouble again and because I took a wrong turn once. But it was close. And my explanations were satisfactory.

On the way there I kept thinking of things I wish I had had time to do. There was no time for make up, no time for last-minute shaves or eyebrow plucking. Only time for a quick hair wash and tooth brush, really.

And in retrospect, it was perfect. There was no point in worrying anymore. I knew I looked as good as I could given time and circumstances, and there was nothing more I could do. I had stuck to his instructions, and I figured that was more important than putting on a little lipstick. It also meant that I knew there was room for improvement. If he was unhappy, I wouldn't be as hurt because I had intended to spend a little more time on myself than I had.

I don't think I paid attention to the cars around me for more than ten seconds on the entire drive. My mind was reeling. Suddenly, I was pulling on to his road. And as I looked for the numbers on the houses, I spied him waiting outside for me.

Richard. My love. My Master. In the flesh.

It was very surreal.

It got more surreal when he opened the car door, got in and said "So, what do you want for lunch? There's a really nice Chinese place right up the road." *chuckles* That shouldn't be funny, really, but I never thought those would be the first words out of his mouth.

I just realised how long this post is already, so I think my week is going to have to be in three parts. Sorry, I hate to tease, but I've got to break it all up somehow! *grins*

So he takes me to lunch at this really amazing restaurant. And I'm not sure if it was the company or the food, but I think it was the best Chinese food I've ever had. We both blushed a little when the fortune cookies came and his fortune said "You are about to being a new and wonderful relationship."

He took me downtown around all the wonderful old shops. He bought me a little present and made me laugh and smile for hours. As we wandered, we got even more comfortable with each other. We held hands, kissed just a little, and of course he pulled my hair. *shivers*

I don't know what it is about hair pulling. My scalp isn't very sensitive at all, so he can pull as hard as he wants and it won't bother me. It's... it's the perfect dominant act, for me. It centers me immediately. He can control my head and therefore my entire body. Plus it makes me completely weak in the knees.

After doing that bit of shopping, we went to the park. A very nice park with a wonderful, discrete, tree-surrounded two-mile path around it. Since there will be more details on more happenings later, I'll just sum up that experience by saying that by the time we had finished that walk, his balls were empty and my nipples were throbbing. *grins*

On the way back, he pulled my hair again. He held it tight, right by the scalp, and led me. I closed my eyes and just walked, trusting him completely. It was a rocky path full of holes and I wasn't exactly in walking shoes, but I never stumbled and I never wanted to look and see where we were going. For five minutes or so, I just followed happily.

We had some ice cream and then we went somewhere else, but we didn't stay long. In fact, we never actually got there. I pulled in to the parking garage and as we were getting out, he stroked a finger down my cheek and over my lips. I, being the tease that I am of course, couldn't resist licking the tip of his finger.

I watched with glee as his eyes got darker. I could hear his breath catch and his voice get a little deeper. "Is my little slut hungry again?"

I wondered silently what the point of panties was, seeing as mine were completely soaked through already, but I just nodded slowly. "Don't tempt me..."

He had already opened his door, but he shut it again. "Actually......."

I know it's cliche, but I couldn't help licking my lips as he glanced around to see if anyone was watching.

Several minutes later we got out of the car, him with wobbly legs and me grinning from ear to ear. He kept laughing and telling me I looked so proud. And I was. I had pleased my Master. And I had gotten something wonderful in return.

A little later I met some of his friends, who are truly the kindest and most giving people I've ever met. Ever. I had been planning on going back home early that evening, but events transpired that meant I didn't have to. Instead we went to a movie with his friends and hung out chatting until Richard was falling asleep.

He had to go to work in a couple hours and I was going to drive him, so his friend shooed us downstairs to a spare bedroom to get some sleep. I fully realise that I had only met this man about 12 hours ago, but none of this seemed wrong or uncomfortable or even a tad awkward. It felt good and completely natural.

We lay down on the bed, fully clothed. He wrapped his arms around me, pulled me close and fell asleep. I was too happy to sleep yet, so I just relaxed in his arms and smiled every time he breathed against my neck. At one point he woke up just a little, pulled me even tighter and said "Mine!" *grins* He doesn't remember doing it, but I don't think I'll ever forget.

A couple hours later, we woke up and tried to get ready to leave. He kept saying "ok, let's go!" but his hands never stopped teasing my body, his penis never got any softer, and he never made any move to leave. He was an hour late.

Again, I had planned to drive home once I dropped him off... but I didn't want to leave. Two hours of being in his arms just wasn't enough. Plus I was pretty tired and I wasn't sure driving was the greatest idea. So I went to a hotel that was close to his work and grabbed a room for the night. He reminded me gently that, hotel or no, privacy or no, there would be no penetration since neither of us had condoms. I mean, I had plenty back home... but since this was only supposed to be a short trip, I never dreamed that there would be a chance to use them.

Of course I got the hotel anyway. And a couple of hours later, I went back to his work to pick him up. I think that is part of what made this week so long: adjusting to his sleeping schedule. I don't think I slept more than two hours at a time and had to be very very awake in between sleeps. It is pretty awkward when you're not used to that.

We were both starving and he wanted to take me to breakfast (it was about 4am at this point) but he saw how hard I was trying just to keep the car going in a straight line, so he figured we could wait a few hours. hehe

There was a little teasing and a few spanks before we slept, but we were both too tired for much. Again, sleeping with him was exquisite. And when I woke, I in turn woke him the sweetest way I knew how. When he was awake and I had finished he raised the covers, looked down at me between his legs, and said "If my slut has finished her breakfast, perhaps she'd like to get up so her Master can take her to IHoP." I grinned and started to get dressed. Of course I couldn't resist teasing him a little more before we left and I got a few more delicious spanks as "punishment." hehe

The rest of the day was spent with friends or browsing book stores. Quite a few hours were spent at his comic book store and by the time we left, he was pretty sure he'd never see me again. *chuckles*

The shop was busier than I expected it to be, but most people seemed to know each other at least to some degree. There were two guys who kept a long-running, very detailed discussion going with Richard for a loooooong time. He had never met them before, but they obviously liked him. They were even bigger geeks than he is (I use "geek" with love and affection, never to insult) and they kept saying "Man, he reminds me of us when we were younger!" Every time, he looked over at me with slight panic in his eyes. *chuckles* In the hours we spent there, I am sad to report that no other female walked through the doors, which might explain why Richard automatically commanded so much respect. hehe

There was only one damper on this day, and in all honesty and shouldn't have been a damper. Earlier Sunday afternoon, he had gotten a text from one of his playmates that he had told me about awhile ago. She's a nice, fun girl and I know he enjoys her very much. He told her that his phone battery was dying (it really was) and he would talk to her once it was charged later. Our day continued. I wouldn't have minded, except that right as we were getting back in the car for me to take him back home and leave, she text again asking if it was charged yet.

Now, maybe I should explain that we had just had dinner and for the first time all weekend, the conversation had turned a little more serious. It was still comfortable, but there wasn't much laughter. I think I should also take in to account that I had had very little sleep and that I didn't really want to make the drive that was ahead of me. But now that my excuses are made, I'm ashamed to say that I was suddenly very jealous.

We both have other partners and neither of us have ever really minded. It's a part of our relationship that we both enjoy. Even in a moment of vulnerability, I didn't really want to change that. But I didn't want him to leave me and go straight to her, even if it was only on the phone. I didn't want his happiness to come, in any form, from someone other than me since I was here to give it to him. I think I said something like "Well, I'll have you home in ten minutes. I'll even speed if you want. Think she can wait?" *blushes* He ignored it.

I dropped him at his front door, we said goodbye and promised to see each other again next Saturday and I drove home, fighting tears and a bad mood all the way.

Part two tomorrow. *smiles*