On new beginnings

22 July 2009

A fresh look to go with a fresh start to a relationship. *smiles* It was about time for a change anyway. After all, almost everything else in my life has changed, why should my blog stay the same?

The fresh start to my relationship comes from me, not from Richard. I think I've been waiting for things to be over rather than for things to really begin. *shrugs* What can I say? With relationships I'm a pessimist.

But I don't want to be, and that's why I've decided to make a change. Since we still haven't met, we might not get along when we do. I know I keep saying that, but it's just realistic. Having said that, I'm sick of essentially living like this is only temporary. I don't want it to be, so why am I acting like I do?

The other night he wanted us to create a fantasy around our first meeting. A day in the park, walking down some quiet path, maybe ducking into the bushes for a little personal time... possibly someone catching us and watching, maybe even joining in. It certainly wasn't a new topic for us. But I froze up. I couldn't even describe what I would be wearing, never mind what I would be doing.

I froze because I didn't want to fantasize about something that might not happen. I didn't want to tell him I'd be wearing my nice sundress because it might not look good or it might be too cold that day. Stupid, I know. Really really silly. But I didn't want to almost promise something that I couldn't deliver.

He said it was like dragging a cardboard cut-out around the park. I could only agree and apologize. I didn't know how to explain to him what was happening in my head. Then we got interrupted and I let it slip my mind.

Later I got a message from him saying that he felt like I was pulling away. He wanted to know if I was thinking about ending things. I assured him that I wasn't and then was able to explain that I was just scared. I told him that I didn't want him to be disappointed when we met and that part of me was certain that he would be.

When we finished that conversation, I thought everything was fixed and better. But I was still acting like I was waiting for him to leave. I'm done acting like that. It might happen and it might not, but I'm done waiting for it.

I will obey him without hesitation or question. I will treat him like an adult who is capable of making his own choices, living his own life, and still capable of and willing to look out for me. I will start behaving as I would if he were in the same room, rather than a few hundred miles away.

I love him. I am submissive to him. He is my Master. And it's time for me to act accordingly.

On protection

17 July 2009

I don't know if I'm really back yet or not. I suspect not. I'm still not settled at my final destination in this long, elaborate move and Richard and I still haven't had the chance to meet. For those reasons, I still think I'll struggle for things to write. But this one topic kept coming into my mind.

I know it's probably foolish to ask for opinions when I've been gone for so long and everyone who used to read this has probably moved on, but I'm going to give it a shot. I really would love to know what other Doms and subs think about this issue.

I keep wondering if protection is essential to a D/s relationship. I know safety is, of course, but how many subs could really submit to someone they didn't feel could protect them? Doms, do you feel like that's an unnecessary part of your role?

The more I think about it, the more I realise I need it. Well, no. I don't need protection. But I need to feel protected for a relationship to last. And it doesn't even really have to be actual physical protection. But I need to feel like someone is standing up for me. Like there is someone to trust and lean on no matter what is happening. I suppose it's all part of having support.

I keep asking myself why this is so important. After all, I've always been a very independent woman. I've been the protector for as long as I can remember. Why do I feel like I need that protection now?

I can only come up with one answer: If I can't rely on the person I'm with, what's the point in being in the relationship?

It's true, I can protect myself. I don't need anyone else to give me strength and help me stand. But it's nice to have that extra strength. And if I'm being independent on this issue, why shouldn't I be independent entirely?

I could (and often have) done the independent thing in vanilla relationships. It certainly didn't work out that well. It would be suicide to try it in a D/s relationship. Is that just me? Or do other people feel like it's necessary as well?