On wonderful nights

31 January 2009

I had wondered how graphic I really wanted to be with this blog. But so far, I didn't feel I had that much to be graphic about. I can't write about physical sex because there is not physical sex in our relationship... not yet, anyway. The slow, sweet play time that we get, I'll keep to myself because that's just personal. I'll happily share the D/s side of things, but I'm not sure how graphic to get when it comes to the cross over to sex.

Last night was incredible! Once upon a time, we used to have huge play session that would last all day. I always measure the success of the day by how many times he cums, rather than how many times I do. Our record for one of these huge play sessions was 10, but it had been months since we'd had more than two. That sounds like a complaint but it's not... we just hadn't had as much time. Last night there were four though. *grins*

I don't even remember how the first one started, but I do remember it involved more toys than we'd used in awhile. Unfortunately it had been so long that the rechargable batteries had almost died. hehe

After that we calmed down, chatted, watched some videos, and then I mentioned a little party I had been invited to... the opening of a fetish club, which quickly brought on the second and third time. *giggles* As a side note, I was and am still debating whether or not to go, but Master has told me to go. I'll have to write about that debate later.

The fourth time was brought on by an oxygen deprived brain and a little misunderstanding. He wanted me to put in my ben wa balls and just relax with him. I somehow thought he wanted me to put in the new anal beads that I had bought but hadn't used. *grins wider* I love mistakes.

I ended up using those as well as the balls and walking/crawling around my house at his instruction, telling him exactly how it felt the whole time. *shivers* It was just... wow... hehe Don't know what else to say, honestly.

It was a really great night.

On being clingy

29 January 2009

I have mentioned before that my Dom and I have an open relationship. As part of this, I have a couple of regular friends/playmates. They both understand their place in my life as I understand mine in theirs. One of them, however, is becoming dissatisfied with his place in my life.

He (let's call him George) is a very clingy, needy person in general. And it does get old after awhile. When we met, he had a girlfriend so most of that was passed on to her. They've split up now, and no matter how many other playmates he has, I still seem to be the one he clings to. We are friends, and I don't want to lose that friendship. But I get stressed almost every time I talk to him lately.

Now I fully admit that I can have a tendency to cling a little too, especially when I'm feeling down. But I don't cling to everyone. Only the man I love. And this got me thinking about being clingy.

My other playmate, Louis, is a lovely man. He is married and has two young sons. Normally I would be unhappy playing with a family man because I would never want anything I do to come in the way of his family. But in his case, his wife knows he has online playmates and encourages it.

Louis seems incredibly content with his life. He tries new things, always has a new hobby, and generally projects an air of happiness. He is someone I would like to meet someday, preferably with my Dom. Not necessarily for a play session, but just to go to dinner with him. Also I've recently found out that he makes whips (although he's not in to the BDSM lifestyle and doesn't use them) and honestly, I would love to have one from him. I think that would be lovely.

Louis's attitude toward me is that I am someone he loves and very much enjoys our time together. I don't say "I love you" quite so easily (if ever) but he is very special to me. I usually only talk to him about once a week and sometimes much much less. This is never a problem for either of us. We see each other when we do, we never plan for the next meeting, and no matter what we're doing, we both know that promptly at 4:15 he will leave to spend time with his family. And that's as it should be.

Between Louis's happiness and comfort and my Master's love, I have found a comfort in my relationship that I have never had before. I don't need to cling. But I also don't need to be afraid to cling. One night many months ago, Master and I were having a moment of disagreement. I was feeling clingy and didn't understand why I hadn't talked to him for a couple of days. R said to me "I'm not worried if I don't talk to you. Of course I want to see you, but I can read your journals to make sure you're ok. If we don't talk, I'm not concerned because I know that we love each other and that you'll still be here tomorrow."

I was stunned for a little while because I realised for the first time that my choices weren't just clinging to someone or keeping them at a distance. There was a third, much more relaxed, option of being able to walk away and know that they will still be there when you get back. Seems simple. I guess it wasn't.

On bad relationships

27 January 2009

The other day I had a conversation with a friend about bad relationships. I was telling him about a submissive woman that I knew and I had concerns that her Master was not a very good dom. I've believed for a long time now that it is not necessarily an act that constitutes abuse; it is the intention and logic behind it. This is especially true in a BDSM relationship. What people in that relationship do is entirely consensual and as such, is not abusive. That does not mean that a dom can't be abusive though, because they can.

I have my own idea about what makes a good or bad dom. And my idea actually has nothing to do with my kinks and desires. It has to do with how he takes responsibility for himself and his sub. I think lots of subs and other Doms would agree with these things, because I have heard many people say similar things.

But who am I to pass judgement on another person's relationship? If one sub's opinion on what makes a bad dom is different to everyone else's, does that mean she's wrong? I don't really think it does.

I think most people involved in this sort of lifestyle are used to having judgements passed against them. It hurts when we feel that our choices are challenged. But more often than not, it strengthens our resolve to continue making those choices. Personally I think that's a good thing. But does that mean that we're less likely to listen if a friend (even one that can accept the lifestyle) is concerned about our relationship?

The friend I was talking to suddenly decided to express some minor concerns he had about my relationship. I respect him for being brave enough to voice these concerns, but I think he's wrong.

He feels like my Master neglects me. I'm sure this is almost entirely my fault. I don't tell him about all the wonderful times my Master pampers me and showers me with love an affection and attention because those times are special and private to me. I don't want to share them. But I am likely to mention in passing that I haven't talked to him in a few days. I need to watch what I say, really.

By my friend's standards, my Master certainly does neglect me. My friend is very clingy and wants to be permanently attached to his girl. Or to his friends, for that matter. Neither R nor I want that type of relationship, so I don't consider it neglectful if I don't talk to him for 10 hours every day.

It's true, sometimes I do wish he paid a little more attention to things I've said or something I want. But he's my Master. I can express displeasure if I get that unhappy, but ultimately he will decide what we do and when. It is difficult giving up that control to him, but I love doing it and wouldn't change it for the world.

But if it were another problem, would I reject my friend's concerns outright? Or would I listen to see if it has some validity?

On porn laws

A new law has just been passed in my country that targets violent pornographic images. Now that's all well and good I suppose, but how do you define violent? They say they're targeting the extreme end of the spectrum, where real woman are really raped and killed. Correct me if I'm wrong, but weren't those things already being targeted?

It says it's a law against necrophilia and bestiality, which is fine I guess, except that this kind of porn was already illegal! It also says it's a law against "violence that is life threatening or likely to result in serious injury to the anus, breasts or genitals."

Life threatening? Well there goes asphyxiation. Serious injury? What about those people who like nipple and genital torture. People who want to be caned and whipped until they bleed? Oh, and mutilation was in there too. But there are people who consider piercings mutilation.

Here's the thing that I really don't understand though: necrophilia, bestiality, rape murder... all those things are illegal acts. Whether or not that is your kink, it makes some degree of sense that pictures of those acts would also be illegal. But the "violence" they're referring to is a basic part of many relationships! And it's not illegal.

It's perfectly legal for my partner to wrap his hand around my throat while we're fucking, squeezing until I almost black out and then tell me to cum............ *shakes head* sorry, slipped in to fantasy world for a second. Back to my rant! It may be life threatening, I don't deny it. But it's our choice, it's our kink, and it's perfectly consensual and legal.

How can it be illegal to have pictures of a legal act? Am I the only one who thinks this is completely barking mad?

On resolution

25 January 2009

I suppose I should finish the story I started the other day. Meta's comment about her Master usually making it up to her reminded me that I probably shouldn't leave it at that.

I should point out that we both got to cum on Wednesday night, but it wasn't the vocal, D/s session that we both really needed. It was wonderful, but it wasn't what we had planned. I knew that session had to come. Not because I was owed it or because he was making it up to me, but because we both needed and wanted it. We talked on Thursday, but there was no playtime. I had Friday morning to myself, but we usually talk at night so I wasn't expecting much.

I was surprised when he signed on because I fully expected him to be asleep. We talked for awhile about this and that and then somehow got on to tattoos. I am planning to get one on my foot. I've wanted one there for years, but only recently found the design I wanted. Now I'm just saving the money. I asked him to help me decide about something... whether I should get it now, or pay off more of my credit card.

He was trying to help me think through all aspects of the choice, including the tattoo itself. He just watched his brother get a tattoo on his shoulder blade, so now he thinks he's the expert on the subject in this relationship, even though I have significantly more knowledge and experience in the body mod world. But I love him for it. *chuckles*

He asked me how high I thought my pain threshold was and I got a little irate. I wasn't an idiot, I knew it would hurt. And bad, given the location. But I knew what I was getting in to. I snapped something sarcastic about how I canepilate all the hairs on my body and how I volunteered to be a pin cushion for a trainee piercer so I was pretty sure it was high enough to not pass out.

Normally I can hear his Uber-Dom side coming out. This time I missed it. Maybe because I was irate, maybe because we were feeling a little disconnected. I've said before that I usually only call him Master when we're playing. I try to treat him with respect at all times and too much teasing will usually earn me a look, at the very least. But things were disconnected and weren't running as smoothly as they should.

So my sarcastic comment earned me a "twist your nipples, whore. Hard." Silly me thought he was testing my pain threshold rather than taking that much needed play time. I did it, but when he asked me again how high my threshold was, I answered without calling him Master. He gave me several chances and I still didn't do it.

Finally he asked if I knew why my nipples were now aching and I said I didn't. He tried to give me a hint, and I met that with sarcasm and back talk too. Eventually I got the hint. Then he told me to turn on my cam.

Now, I hate having my cam on. I'll have to talk about why another day, but suffice it to say that it is as close as we get to humiliation. Being able to do what he asks on cam is the ultimate submission for me. And I still haven't quite gotten there. I'll talk about that eventually too. *chuckles* I turned it on without protest though.

What followed wasn't perfect submission (because I couldn't bring myself to do what he asked of me) and it wasn't amazing sex (because I was so nervous and feeling terrible about not obeying orders). But it was exactly what we needed.

I had been used. We didn't use toys that time and he didn't make me wait for permission to cum (which is extremely rare) but it put me back in my place and reminded me that I am his sub. And more importantly, that I want to be his sub.

The past couple of days, any sarcasm or complaint has been met with a metaphorical tug on my leash rather than silence. He's not letting me get away with anything. And I've never been happier. *grins*

On waiting

23 January 2009

On Monday, R and I realised that we hadn't had much time together recently. Certainly not the kind of time we have been used to. Because it's an online relationship, our play is usually over voice chat or text, and occasionally we use our cams. For some reason, it's just not that frequent. But normally we talk.

A couple of months ago, my headphones broke... again. Long story short, I had a couple of cheap pair that kept breaking. I asked my mum for a specific pair if they still made them in the states, because I had had those for about 5 years and they were awesome. They didn't have them, but she decided she needed to spend an arm and a leg on a new pair, even though I begged her not to. *sighs* Anyway when an expensive pair breaks, I can't justify not trying to fix them. So for the last month or so, he's been able to hear himself talk just barely in the background. It makes playtime a little odd and makes talking to him when someone else is in the house impossible.

To add to that, my husband has been working less recently. And that's a good thing, for him. He had been working about 80 hours a week, which is just rediculous. He would normally have at least 3 days where he worked from 9am to 1am. Now he's working closer to 50 hours, which is still a lot, but not near as much. he's only had one 9-1 shift in three weeks. Great for him and for me, because I do like having him around... not so good for me and my Dom.

Anyway, back to the story... sorry for all the background. We realised that we hadn't heard each other cum in days. In fact, we hadn't played at all some days, which is pretty rare for us. For the first time, we had to plan to spend time together. We decided Wednesday night would be the ideal time... as long as he was awake.

I knew things didn't bode well when he barely slept all day Tuesday. Wednesday came and went (technically). A little after midnight, he signed on. He was just as disappointed and frustrated as I was, but that didn't help much, somehow. He hadn't been sleeping, but he hadn't been able to get on the computer. His brother had been around.

I wasn't mad at him, or mad at all, really. But I was sad and frustrated. He tried to be very sweet and cuddly and loving, but I just didn't want to be touched. I've never been like that before with him, and I didn't want to tell him how I was feeling. I was worried that if I told him I was upset, he would think it was directed at him. It wasn't... it was just at the situation.

But I told him and he took it perfectly. He backed off and we just chatted for awhile, reading the news, looking at pictures, etc... He handled it so well, in fact, I was perfectly happy and feeling cuddly again within a few minutes.

So here's a question for all the subbies out there... when your dom fucks up (as we all do... we're only human, after all) how do you handle it? Do you stay quiet and let him sort it out himself? Or do you express your displeasure or concern or whatever else you're feeling without being disrespectful?

On separate lives

19 January 2009

In the last couple of days, my husband's life has changed drastically. His father just left his mum for her best friend, who also happened to be his best friend's wife. Apparently they've been having an affair for the past year. As far as my husband was concerned, his parents had a very happy marriage and this was completely out of the blue. It's been a bit of a shock for everyone. Every day it seems something new happens that makes the situation worse.

As for me, I always liked my father-in-law. I never thought they had a perfect marriage but I don't think anyone ever does. I can understand having problems and wanting out of a situation, but I can't understand going about it the way he has. He called me the day after he left, basically trying to use me as a source of information on his wife and kids. I was trying to be as neutral as possible, but... it put me in an awkward situation that I didn't want to be in, and I told him this.

Anyway, on to the point of this blog... This was a major part of my life in the last few days. It effects my house, people I love, and me. I normally try to keep a separation between my husband and my Master, mostly out of respect for both of them. But this wasn't about my husband really, and I wanted to share with R.

My Master has never asked me to keep that separation. He is not jealous of my husband, but he does get angry and frustrated with him. He gets frustrated because my husband is going to watch as I walk away instead of fixing anything to keep me (his words, not mine). He feels it is much less than I deserve. But if nothing else, my husband is my friend. I may not be in love with him, but I do love him very much. So when R gets angry and frustrated with someone I love, it's going to cause problems between us.

So when I came to him about the events of the past few days, he wasn't overly comfortable. I could more than understand why, but it still hurt. He didn't tell me to change the subject and deal with it myself, but he did encourage me to talk to another friend rather than him. It was weird because I felt a little rejected, even though I could more than understand why.

We talked about how I felt later (because he'd been up for about 36 hours and fell asleep in the middle of the conversation) and I was completely honest with him. I'd mostly gotten over that feeling of rejection while he slept, because I could hardly just stew in it for hours. So I asked him if he wanted to know about that part of my life or if he wanted it completely edited out. He decided that he wanted to know what was happening in my life, he has to know all of it. So whether he was uncomfortable with it or not, if I needed to talk, he would be there for me.

We then talked about it for a long time, even though I didn't really need to anymore. I knew he has asked to know, but I still think I would try to keep that separation as often as I can. It's not respectful to my husband and it's not fair on my dom to do otherwise.

On privacy

18 January 2009

The past two days have been very long ones for me. My father-in-law has just decided to walk out on a relatively happy 33 year marriage. To make matters worse, he has ended it in favour of his best friend's wife. It's coming completely out of the blue and everyone is pretty shocked. And all I keep thinking is "good god, I know I'll be leaving in a few months too, but at least I tried to work on my relationship!" And that's probably not fair. My mother-in-law isn't the easiest person to get along with and obviously I don't know the inner details of their life together. I can't really blame him for leaving... but I can blame him for going about it poorly. And for coming to me to see how everyone is doing and putting me in the middle, rather than asking them himself and facing up to his decisions.

Anyway, I promise, I am actually getting around to a privacy musing, bear with me. *smiles* I told R about this as soon as I knew, so he knew it would be a turbulent time. I didn't talk to him yesterday. But I did talk to another very old and dear internet friend. We talked for almost 12 hours, in fact. At some point I said something about really wanting a drink, but I don't drink alone. It's a very strict rule I have. He laughed and said he'd drink with me. I kind of thought it was cheating a bit... but I wanted that drink so that's what we did.

Now, I don't really drink. Usually only once every other month or so. Sometimes much less. These days when I do, it hits me pretty hard. I can confidently say that I only had two drinks last night... unfortunately, those two drinks had about 6 shots of jack in them. *looks ashamed*

As my typing slowly got worse, he suggested we bypass the keyboard altogether and chat with the wonderful yahoo voice feature. Now, I've done this with him a couple of times, but really rarely. Maybe three times since I've known him. And those other times.... well, we weren't exactly having a normal conversation if you catch my meaning. *chuckles* Although, I suppose that is pretty normal for us...

*shakes head quickly* Anyway! Back on target... I was a bit apprehensive because that's not really part of our relationship. But we chatted, had a great time, and all was fine. Slurred speach is a little easier to understand than a thousand typos, apparently.

But this made me think... I was going privacy crazy over talking to someone that I've known a long time over voice. It's not like he gains my phone number or anything. I'm still onlly available to him when I want to be. Where's the privacy issue. On the other hand, R has given his phone number out to two new girls in a week!

I guess it's a good balance, having one person privacy mad and the other person completely lacking all concepts of personal privacy. *chuckles* He's very good about other people's privacy, especially mine. He just doesn't see the need for his own.

Maybe I should change the name of my post to "On drunken evenings"....

On attention whores

17 January 2009

On occasion, my time with R is shared by other people. We ended up talking for about 6 hours yesterday, but I was sharing him from the beginning. Over the course of that time, I ended up sharing him with about 4 other girls. Most of them were random people that he had just met and was talking to. But one was someone he had talked/played with a couple of days ago.

He's really great at picking out women who aren't entirely together and he loves putting them back together. (Hmm.... I wonder what that says about me?) He's great at putting them back together and seeing if he can do anything to help. It's an ego boost for him, as it should be. This particular woman always cries after she cums. So he spent a good deal of time talking to her about that the other day.

Yesterday, however, she was bouncy and happy and very very complimentary. She told him how perfect he was and how she thought she could fall in love with him.... And then spent the rest of the time trying to push him away. He asked her if she had a problem with him being with me and her response was "Yes, because I want you for myself. Everything has to be about me."

I was actually really proud of myself, I didn't get jealous, I didn't try to push him in to her arms (it's a tendency I know I have but that I fight tooth and nail)... I just listened and tried to help him help her. I wasn't worried about him leaving me for the woman who tells him he's perfect and god's gift to women. (I believe my response was a joking "Give me her screen name, I'll sort her out!") If he wants to, he will and there's not much I can do about that... but I didn't think that would happen.

He pushed back against her for hours, determined not to let her push him away. She kept asking why he wanted to be with her and I had to bite my lip. I completely understand feeling down and needing a compliment. But god, hours of it was a bit much.

Well, at least I know how much he will and will not put up with. Geez, no wonder he gets upset with me when I pull away because I don't want to seem needy.

On men

12 January 2009

So last night I wanted to share a song that I love with my man. I wanted to put it in my journals, so I didn't just want to send the file to him. I looked for a video on youtube but couldn't find anything I was happy with. I started to rethink the whole idea and maybe just send him the lyrics. And then I thought, wait a minute, why don't I just make a video myself?!

So I did. This was the first video I ever made, so I was more than a little nervous. I wanted to make it perfect for him. Something to make him smile and want watch again and again. I spent hours searching for photos and images. I spent ages getting the timing right. I'm a perfectionist, and I hate it. But this was for him, and I wanted it to be even better.

Finally I finish it and I post it in my journal. I re-write the post 5 times, trying to get rid of all the "it's not very good, but..." and "I tried my best... I hope you like it" crap and just present it for what it was and see if he liked it.

He knew a surprise was coming and he was excited about it too. I sat there, knowing he was watching. I was wiggling in my seat, squeezing my hands together, so incredibly nervous and really really hoping he loved it.

He watches it and calls me. I'm grinning from ear to ear, waiting for his first words. I didn't know what they would be, but I knew they would make me smile for weeks to come.

"Hey honey"
"hey babe"
"So I'm talking to a friend... and I remembered a story I wanted to tell you about him"
"Wait, what??! No! Video first!! Please.....?"

Honestly, I fully expected him to reply in a very calm voice "Pet, be quiet. This will make sense." Instead, I got "oh right... ok."

*sighs* men. *chuckles* good thing we love them

On the brain

10 January 2009

The human brain is a truly amazing thing. I know this because it is part of my job to know. The mind and body interact in stunning ways. I'm saying all this because... well, I'll tell the whole story.

I have never planned on having kids. Don't get me wrong, I like kids. But I never had any desire to have my own. I figured that, someday when I was ready, my partner and I could always adopt. I have never had a regular period in my life, so as time went on, I questioned my ability to even have children.

On top of that, I have a pregnancy phobia. My sister is pregnant at the moment, and I'm so incredibly happy for her. I listen to all her baby things like a good sister and aunt should, but after about five minutes I'm left feeling like I need to be sick. I fight it because... well, I want to be there for her. I know the origins of this phobia and I know where my limits are, but it's definitely there.

When R and I first got together, we were talking, as you do, about hopes and dreams for the future. He very much wants children. He had nieces and nephews and he's so good with them. I fall in love with him a little more every time he talks about them or about his dreams for children in the future.

I would've liked to stay silent on the matter, going with the odds that our relationship wouldn't last (after all, there's an ocean between us, we've never met, and honestly, how many relationships last?), but I couldn't. We were still getting to know each other at the time. I don't even think we'd said "I love you" yet. But Rule Number 1 is honesty... so I told him.

I told him I didn't know if I could have kids and that I was scared to even if I could. But I also told him that, for the first time, I could see myself having them. Not for me, because god knows I would be scared shitless, but for my partner. For him.

About two months later, I started having periods. Regularly. Obviously, I can't say for absolutely certain that it had anything to do with him. I had previously been on birth control that stopped them (even though I never had them anyway), but I had been off that medicine for about 8 months when this conversation happened. The coincidence is remarkable.

Maybe for the first time in my life I felt like I had someone who would look after me. Who wouldn't believe in my outward appearance of strength and assume I could handle everything. Someone who could deal with my fear and promise to protect me.

That doesn't stop me from cursing his name (more-or-less good natured-ly) every time that time of the month rolls around. Today the conversation went something like:

R: How have you been dear?
Me: I've been ok. Cramping like mad. I think you're somewhat to blame for that, but I'll forgive you.
Me: *nods* I was happy and period free before you *chuckles*
R: *rolls eyes* Period free, but not the rest

As usual, he was right.

On fantasy rape

8 January 2009

Today I got to have a chat with my Master, much to my relief. 10 minutes in 6 days just isn't enough. I hate to admit it, but it was probably made worse by the fact that he has a blossoming new relationship, and I wasn't there to hear about it.

He was going over the journal entries that I wrote for him over the last few days. I keep one for things that happen in my personal life and one for fantasies or thoughts about submission or anything like that.

One of the entries was about rape. He had been bringing it in to our fantasies and play time recently, and I wasn't sure why. Without going in to any detail, he has reason to be especially sensitive about that issue, and it's never something I would have brought up myself. So I wasn't sure if he was doing it to see what my reaction was or if he was fine with the fantasy.

I know that actual rape is nothing to do with sex. And of course I would never encourage rape in any sense. And I don't really have a fantasy about being raped by a stranger or anything like that. But when that word is used in a fantasy... *shivers* I don't know, I guess I do like it. For me, it symbolises lack of control. The need to have someone that badly.

I thought about it over the next few days and wrote another entry, this time about saying no. I decided to let him know that "no" never means no in our relationship. I'm well aware that, as my Master, he'll take what he wants. But he knows that I have issues around abuse and is very sensitive to them, so he probably wouldn't go too far in that taking.

But there is passion in reluctant sex. Angry, clawing, screaming passion. And I may genuinely mean no, but that doesn't mean I'm ready to stop.

Now, before I get a thousand angry e-mails, I want to say that I am absolutely not trying to lend credence to the "when girls say no, they really mean yes" myth because that is crap. I would never EVER say this to anyone else and I would strongly encourage anyone to back off if someone says no.

But in this case, things are a little different. As with many D/s relationships, we have a safeword. And if I really meant no, I would use it. And I would expect it to be respected. Since we have an all-encompasing "no!" I can safely tell him that no doesn't mean no when it comes to us.

I will point out, though, that it didn't exactly fill me with joy when, after reading that entry, he said "Honey... what's our safeword?" I was a little stunned and just stammered "Um... you can't... you can't forget our safeword! That's kind of important!" He pointed out that it had been months and months since I had used it and promised to put it on his phone so he would remember. *sighs and shakes my head*

On acceptance

7 January 2009

Thanks again to Meta. Your comments are always very welcome. I like hearing about someone else's experiences and their take on situations. I don't think anyone can ever have everything all figured out, and if they claimed to, I'd think they were lying.

I enjoy not knowing everything. I like the process of discovery, both of myself and of my Dom. There are moments of up and down, but I'm enjoying the ride. I am guided by my Master foremost, and then by the wonderful women who choose to share their thoughts and experiences.

As for yesterday's post, I had already sent him a message, giving him my complete honesty and telling him how I was feeling. But with our current silent status, I don't really feel like the conversation has even been started. I know I've said it, but it doesn't feel real until I know he's read it.

I sat in a lecture today that was all about how to use my supervisor for this huge project I have. I realised that if I was going to pass, I was going to have to take their advice. I would have to ask for help and seek validation with almost everything I write. I've never done that before.

Even growing up, I would never check my grades or my homework or anything. I knew whether or not I had done my best, and I knew that it was handed in and couldn't be changed, so I was satisfied. If I hadn't done my best, I would try harder next time, no matter what the grade. I never cared if it was an A or a D. Not just grades, either. I just generally felt that I had to approve of myself first and anyone else was just a bonus.

I find myself desiring and seeking approval from my man though. Still not from anyone else, but from him. Now I have to seek it from my supervisor as well. It's not something I'm comfortable doing, but it is a necessity. Because if they don't approve, I can change what I've written before it's marked.

On mistakes

6 January 2009

Does anyone else ever get to the point where they're so stressed and just can't relax... and you just know that if your Dom could just use you hard, make you cry, fuck you senseless, and then hold you close and make you smile, everything would be fine again?

I've been at that point the last couple of weeks. My mind feels completely fractured and I haven't been able to put it back together myself. In the past when I've gotten in this mood, R hasn't let it last for even a day. I was really shocked, because I know that sometimes I do just start bitching about everything around me. Sometimes I'm just easily annoyed. So when he, at first, laughed at my annoyed observations, then started to get frustrated, and then suddenly told to get on my knees NOW, I was surprised. I resisted at first, but when I finally gave in, the release was wonderful. I felt calm and whole and nothing annoyed me.

This time it has lasted for weeks. We've been spending less time together recently. With the holidays, it was a little tough. Plus, I have a paper I'm trying to write. He knows this, so he stays away. He doesn't want to be a distraction. So this release that I needed so desperately never came.

I knew what I needed. I tried to communicate what I needed. But I couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to come out and straight tell him what I wanted, because I felt like I would be critisizing him for not noticing my mood and dealing with it. Or like I was telling him how to be a better Dom. I'm always looking out for a tendency to top from the bottom. I don't like passive aggression and I won't use it.

So instead of talking to him and risking his feelings, I kept quiet. I found myself looking for more dominant play partners. See, I usually draw a line with my partners. I don't to submit to anyone but my Master, so the people I play with on the side don't get to do anything that I consider more dominant. We can be equals, I can be more aggressive, whatever... but they don't get to order me around and anything BDSM is out. R never requested these limits... it's simply what I felt most comfortable with. And what I felt was more respectful.

Suddenly, I found myself looking for a dom that would try to break me. It started slow, with someone that I just knew was more dominant. Then it went to someone who actually said they were a Dom. Then it went to a quiet man who claimed to have trained slaves for 20 years. As I've made clear, I would never want to be a slave. But I wanted something that would break me. None of these people could do it. My "submission" wasn't real with them... it was just words that never reached my heart.

In the last 4 days, this paper has been on my every waking thought. I lived off of coffee and that's about it. No food, little sleep, looking at nothing except my computer screen. My mood has been swinging back and forth like mad. But I have finally slept and calmed down and feel human again. And now that I do, I wonder how I could've even pretended to submit to anyone else. I feel absolutely terrible about it.

I briefly mentioned to R that I had been playing with other doms in the journals I keep for him. I know he read them but I don't know if he cares. Between the paper and my friends that have been around the last few days (and who fortunately forced me to eat) he and I have been incommunicado since Saturday.

I feel like I need forgiveness for this. And I don't know if, when we start talking again, he will be angry or if he will laugh it off. I know I wasn't myself, and I know I would never normally do that. I also know why I did. But it's no excuse. My submission is my gift to him... and I never want to give it to anyone else.

On ego

5 January 2009

Is it really such a bad thing?

I've always hated it when anyone asks for an ego boost. I am free with my praise and honest with a person's positive points. But when someone goes looking for it, I suddenly go quiet. I guess I wonder if it's really necessary. If that person is so uncomfortable with themselves that they have to have validation from someone else.

I'm not saying I never want to ask someone if I look good, or if I've done well. I am certainly always hoping for praise from my Dom. But I don't ask for it. I may come across as a strong person, but this isn't a strength thing. In fact, it's the opposite.

There is a part of me that my Master calls Ume. This is the part that tells me that no one could possibly love me, and even if they say they do, they're just lying. Or even if they really do love me, it won't last. He knows Ume well, and always knows when it's her words coming out of my lips. I can't imagine that it is easy, but he almost always deals with her very well.

Anyway, I got a little off track. hehe I used to have an issue with anything that inflated a man's ego. I know this is silly, but... Well, we're not always perfect. We learn and we grow as time goes on. I hate guns, I hate fast cars (unless I'm driving them!), I hate action movies, etc... This all started to change one day.

My husband (who was, at the time, only a close friend) introduced me to rugby. I was, at first, cynical. I love sports, don't get me wrong, but rugby was somehow different. His family is from New Zealand, so he introduced me to the All Blacks. And the haka. And Carlos Spencer.

I'm trembling as I write this, and I don't think it's just because my house is cold. The premise of the haka had been explained to me before I saw it, and of course I was even more cynical about that than about the game itself. But hey, it was part of a different culture, so I was happy to watch and learn.

And then I saw Mr. Spencer. In a big group of rugby players, this man was still the dominant man. And not just because he was leading the haka. I gasped as I watched him prowl through the pack, looking around slowly, surveying all that he controlled. I whimpered when his voice rang out clear and strong. I watched in awe as this man... this arrogant male... shattered my impressions on ego forever.

From then on, the All Blacks (and rugby in general) had a new avid supporter. I watched every game. I didn't care that Mr. Spencer was fairly attractive or that he had occasional moments of pure genius in the game. I cared most about those few moment before the game, when he would leave me breathless and trembling.

He now lives relatively close to where I live. Especially considdering he used to live in a different hemisphere. And on occasion I've fantasized about trying to meet him. But something tells me that if he affects me like that through a television screen, I would either end up sorely disappointed, or die from overstimulation.

On sub vs. slave

4 January 2009

I want to thank Meta for her comment. I won't mention the girly squeal that came out in delight over my first comment. *grins and laughs* But she reminded me of something that is very important to me.

Before I write anything else, I want to note that no D/s relationship is the same as another. Everyone works within their own kinks and limits. I think everyone has their own definition of terms as well. My definition is not necessarily the same as anyone else's, so no offense is intended if our opinions differ.

Last night I asked R what he thought the difference was between a sub and a slave. We had talked about this at length when my submission first began, but that seems long ago now and I wanted to quote him. His answer? Quite simply, "Free will." *grins* I'll try to expand on that a bit.

His definition of a slave is someone who has completely given all will to her Master. Someone who has no limits because how can there be a limit when there is no will? He enjoys the power and gift of the submission of a strong willed person much more than the ego boost of someone who has no will or control over themselves.

Again, that's his view and his definition and it certainly isn't meant as a slight on anyone's life or choices. It simply is not what he or I want for our relationship. This does not mean that I don't to submit instantly to his requests, even if they push my limits. It means that we will have long conversations about the limits that I have, the reasons I have them, and what would happen if they are crossed. It means that I am treated as a person and not merely a thing. I am his to use as he wishes when he wishes... but it is a gift that I give him, not something that is expected.

As Meta correctly guessed, I do value my strength and independence and that is what concerns me over being a slave. I can understand why this fits some people and some lifestyles, but it doesn't fit me. More importantly, it doesn't fit my Dom. If being a slave was what I wanted, he wouldn't be my Dom.

The other day R mentioned that he had been talking to someone about me and he told this person that he did not own me. And I burst into tears. In my defense, this conversation was right after the one I talked about yesterday so emotions were running high, but still... I cried. And he was extremely confused.

He calmed me down and then we talked. I realised I was already feeling on edge because there was someone else in his life that he was really interested in. And then with that simple statement, I felt like he no longer wanted me as his subbie.

He slowly explained that the person he was speaking to was using the term "owned" in a very degrading one and he didn't like it. R was speaking with the definitions used by this other person rather than with his own. Second, he knew what the connotations of an owned submissive can be with "uneducated" people and while he didn't want to take the time to educate this person, he didn't want them thinking poorly of his girl.

God, every time I think of those words, I melt a little. Has anyone ever been happier? *grins*

After I was completely calm he reminded me that there was a third reason too... he doesn't own me. We both decided long ago that "owner" would never be part of his description until we had, at the very least, met. It has nothing to do with his desire to own me or my desire to be owned. It simply makes sense for us to wait.

Ownership is not something I would give up lightly nor something he would take easily. And while no relationship is ever certain, we both want to be as certain as we can be before making that commitment. He kindly pointed out that just because he doesn't own me, it doesn't mean he doesn't want to or that he doesn't look forward to it every day.

On open relationships

3 January 2009

My man and I have an open relationship. I'm sure I've said that before. Since our relationship is online, most of that openness is too. Aside from the over-arching rule of honesty, the only other rule about this part of our relationship is that if there is someone significant, we will tell each other.

I take him at his word and will happily chat, flirt, or play with lots of people. He knows about the few that I consider friends, but I rarely sit down and outline everything I did or said with every person I talked to. If I'm having a day off, there could be 3 different guys even on a slow day. That's not to say I play with them all but there would probably be some flirtation. But as soon as I've signed off, there names and the conversations are almost immediately forgotten.

He, however, is better than his word. He tells me about everyone. It doesn't matter if they talked for two minutes or two hours. He tells me jokes that he made or ideas that he came up with or fantasies that they discussed... whatever.

This has never concerned me in the slightest... until yesterday. See, when he tells me about his jokes or his ideas, it's because he wants to share it with me. He wants to hear me laugh or comment or take pride in him. And I do. When he tells me about the fantasies, he wants to see what piques my interest and what doesn't. He enjoys the time he spends with other women, but sometimes it feels like he enjoys it because he has something to bring back to me. I never expected that, but it's a wonderful thing.

Yesterday I asked him how he spent his new year and he told me he spent it chatting with a new girl. And suddenly I heard something I'd never heard before. He had a smile in his voice. Not because of a joke or fantasy, but because of a person. So I was intrigued.

He told me that they had talked for hours and hours, played a couple times (sorry, I should probably specify that I say "play" to refer to all forms of sex, cyber, phone, or real), talked about their lives, arranged for him to call her the next morning when she was getting off work, etc... and then the next morning he woke up to a picture of her topless.

I felt like my head was going to explode. Was that silly? Their play time was no big deal, and neither was him getting a picture. He was coming back to me and telling me everything that happened. She knew about me and our relationship. So why was I so weirded out by this?

I didn't say anything until I knew what to say. It took him awhile to hear that anything was wrong. Actually, I just sort of ran out of the ability to say anything. And then he asked what was on my mind.

I told him as much as I could. And after much consideration, I think it's the phone thing that bothers me the most. He and I live in two different countries. I have his number and he has mine but we have only ever talked on the phone twice. And neither time was spontaneous. We met online and arranged to make the call. We don't text either. It's just too expensive and neither of us are in a position to afford it right now.

But suddenly there's this new girl who he clearly likes who can call him or text him any time she wants. He is potentially always available for her. And the only time he's really available for me is when he chooses to be. I didn't cope very well.

But we've talked. And while I don't think there will be any change in how he interacts with her, he knows how I feel and where the sore spots still are. Some issues were discussed and gotten over, others were discussed and will still be minor issues. I guess nothing can be perfect.