On frustrations

24 November 2009

I've been thinking a lot about online vs. real life relationships. I've had both in my life for more than a decade, but I've never had both with one person until now. I knew the change over would be interesting and possibly frustrating, and now we've really hit the frustration part. I hated when Richard and I were only online because I couldn't feel him. Now there are all new frustrations.

Now we worry about each other's finances and try to work around work and school to see each other just for 12 hours. And half of those 12 hours we're sleeping. This was even more frustrating when I realised we'd gone over two weeks without sex. Not just real sex, but also phone or cyber, which obviously used to be all we ever got. What the hell!!?! And why did it take me so long to really notice?

I called him and tried to talk some of these frustrations out. He tried to help by giving me a fantasy based in reality. Just for a little background, the last time we were together we bought a whole kit of things including suction cup handcuffs. I don't actually have a bed, just a mattress on the floor, so since the suction cups were supposed to work on the wall, we thought that'd be perfect. We hadn't had a chance to explore or even open the kit while we were together though. So he started talking about how he couldn't wait to try out the handcuffs and how I would look helpless on the bed. But before he could tell me what he wanted to do once I was helpless, I interrupted. "Oh yeah! I forgot to tell you that they don't work! They're fine in the shower but they just don't stick to the wall." Then I started crying. Once again, reality had intruded and I had let it.

He laughed it off but it's still bothering me. I don't really know what I could've done differently though. After all, it would've been kind of mean to hear his fantasy, all the time knowing it was impossible, and then springing the fact that I knew it wouldn't work on him when the fantasy was about to become reality. But I hate that I'm letting the reality get me down.


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