On decisions

I would like to say that I hate having all the stress of an international move, the sadness of the end of a relationship, and the excitement of a potential new relationship on me all at once. But it would be a lie. I should be stressed. I should be crying. My brain should be spinning.

But no... I'm fine. That doesn't mean that there aren't bad nights or bad moments, but it does mean that in general, it's not getting me down. I thrive in tight spots. It's something I've always known about myself, and it sometimes makes me worry that I create tight spots for myself. That I make things more difficult than they need to be simply because I know I can handle it. I get bored and sluggish when things are going well.

But there are just so many decisions to make. Who will ship my things, what do I take, when do I start packing... When do I say goodbye to friends, do I take the train down (with three suitcases) to see them or do I beg for a ride... Will Richard actually be able to come to London, should I change hotels to try to save a little money, will a hotel with hardwood floors be ok if I plan to spend many many hours on my knees....

And then of course there are all the decisions to make after I move. Like where I live, primarily. Richard and I had discussed this issue a few times, but never this close to the move. We had always planned to spend a week together, see how we get along, and talk more about it after that. But now it's 7 weeks before he's supposed to be here and he doesn't even has his passport yet. I know he's trying hard, so I'm still hoping... but the reality is looking a little iffy.

Today I asked Richard about this again. Specifically, I asked if he doesn't get to come, what his thoughts were about where I would live. Ultimately it's my choice, not his, but I'd still like his thoughts and opinions. He told me to go where my heart desires.

The only problem is this: he knows my heart desires to be somewhere in the southwest and he's in the midwest. My wonderful insecure brain immediately started wondering if he was being practical and saying I should be where I'm happy (after all, he and I might meet and hate each other) or if he was starting to think that he didn't want anything more than an online relationship.

I tentatively tried to figure out which was the case and asked how he would feel if I ended up moving to his state. After all, it is conveniently about half way between my friends to the south, half of my family to the east, and the other half to the west. There are job opportunities and a low cost of living. There are practical reasons for me being there. The fact that he is there is a wonderful bonus but not the deciding factor. My heart wants to be in New Mexico... but maybe at this junction of my life my heart will have to wait a little longer.

He said wasn't up to him and that he didn't understand why I was even asking. He promised that he wouldn't be freaked out and think I was stalking him (unless I moved in to the house next door). Whenever we meet, we will see if our relationship has a future. If it doesn't, my home has nothing to do with him and I won't regret living there (his worry, not mine. I wouldn't do something I would regret for anyone, even him). If it does, we'll make things work where ever I live.

It doesn't really help me make this decision, but it does remove any restrictions. Or most restrictions. Now I just have to decide what to do with myself. *smiles*