On new beginnings

A fresh look to go with a fresh start to a relationship. *smiles* It was about time for a change anyway. After all, almost everything else in my life has changed, why should my blog stay the same?

The fresh start to my relationship comes from me, not from Richard. I think I've been waiting for things to be over rather than for things to really begin. *shrugs* What can I say? With relationships I'm a pessimist.

But I don't want to be, and that's why I've decided to make a change. Since we still haven't met, we might not get along when we do. I know I keep saying that, but it's just realistic. Having said that, I'm sick of essentially living like this is only temporary. I don't want it to be, so why am I acting like I do?

The other night he wanted us to create a fantasy around our first meeting. A day in the park, walking down some quiet path, maybe ducking into the bushes for a little personal time... possibly someone catching us and watching, maybe even joining in. It certainly wasn't a new topic for us. But I froze up. I couldn't even describe what I would be wearing, never mind what I would be doing.

I froze because I didn't want to fantasize about something that might not happen. I didn't want to tell him I'd be wearing my nice sundress because it might not look good or it might be too cold that day. Stupid, I know. Really really silly. But I didn't want to almost promise something that I couldn't deliver.

He said it was like dragging a cardboard cut-out around the park. I could only agree and apologize. I didn't know how to explain to him what was happening in my head. Then we got interrupted and I let it slip my mind.

Later I got a message from him saying that he felt like I was pulling away. He wanted to know if I was thinking about ending things. I assured him that I wasn't and then was able to explain that I was just scared. I told him that I didn't want him to be disappointed when we met and that part of me was certain that he would be.

When we finished that conversation, I thought everything was fixed and better. But I was still acting like I was waiting for him to leave. I'm done acting like that. It might happen and it might not, but I'm done waiting for it.

I will obey him without hesitation or question. I will treat him like an adult who is capable of making his own choices, living his own life, and still capable of and willing to look out for me. I will start behaving as I would if he were in the same room, rather than a few hundred miles away.

I love him. I am submissive to him. He is my Master. And it's time for me to act accordingly.