On depression

16 February 2010

Over the past couple of days, I have had masturbation restrictions. There's nothing original or different about that. Nothing that a thousand other submissives haven't gone through many many times before me. But for some reason, this hit me hard.

There are a few things you should know about me for all this to make sense. I'm generally a pretty happy person. I laugh all the time. I smile for no reason. Even when life really really sucks, a bright blue sky or a beautiful moon will make all the hard stuff worth it. I'm easily pleased and generally satisfied with my life, even though I still try to make my life better. And I masturbate a lot. lol

There have also been a lot of changes since the last time I posted. I don't want to go in to all of them yet, but I can make a long story short. Basically, the D/s aspect of my relationship has faded fast. We still love each other and we are still together, but the dominance just isn't important to him. It is still important to me. So although I am dating him, I now belong to someone else. Everyone knows about everyone else, and it is a relatively amiable relationship.

Whew... I think that covers all the preliminaries. Now to the crux of this post. Like I said, being unable to masturbate like I normally would has thrown me more than I expected it to. The first couple days, I went through the hair-pulling frustration and the cat-in-heat mentality. And then I crashed pretty hard.

It was the crash that surprised me. Nothing happened that should've made me crash like this. My life was still a good place to be. I'd enjoyed work more than I had in awhile, I have two men in my life who love me in two very different ways, I have a nice warm house to come home to... what more can a girl ask for?

And yet, suddenly I was crying for no reason. Suddenly I was shaking with fear of being abandoned and alone. Suddenly I was fighting to not throw away everything good in my life an favour of the emptyness which I was convinced would eventually fill my life anyway.

That was yesterday. Today, I'm still feeling down. Today, I'm desperate for attention and cuddles and kisses. And as usual, when I really need something, I don't ask. And today I'm still on masturbation restrictions.

That's what concerns me the most right now. What if all this darkness is always inside me? What if it's just held at bay by all the wonderful orgasm endorphins that constantly flood my system? What if I just hadn't noticed that I'm living with something dangerous because every orgasm just covers it up?

If that's true... well, if that's true then maybe the happiness I always feel is just a facade. It's something I like about myself. Now I wonder if it's just chemically induced. Natural chemicals, true enough, but chemically induced nonetheless. If something I like about myself, something that I feel defines me, is basically just a cover, what does that say about me and who I really am?

I'm feeling weird and fractured. And the stupid thing is, I don't even know if these are valid concerns. If, should I be on orgasm restrictions another time, the same thing would happen again. Or if this is all an over-reaction to an anxiety that is always in the back of my mind over being depressed and this has just been a bad couple of days.

I'm hoping it's just been a bad day.


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