Richard and I are done. We could've stayed together, but I felt like I wasn't giving him the respect as he deserves. I don't even mean as a dom, but even just as a lover and a person. He wanted to try to work things out and stay together, but I don't feel like there was anything he was doing wrong. I just clearly wasn't ready to be in a committed (even if it was open) relationship again.

I thought about closing this blog at the end of the relationship. After all, I'm barely writing in it anymore. But I started it originally because I felt lost, and I feel lost again. I knew I'd been feeling down the last few days (breakups and more snow tend to do that), but when I got to work I saw that we had a new Suicide Girls book. I grabbed that and practically every tattoo mag we sell, and sat down to read them all. I knew this wasn't really normal for me, but it wasn't until I was half way through the book that I realised I was searching for myself.

I'm not sure I can explain that, but I'll try. I've always loved looking through suicide girls stuff. I still maintain that I'm not bi, but damn some of those girls are cute! And it's not really because of their features, but because of the intelligence you see in their eyes, the creativity you see all over their bodies, and the comfort you see in the way they work with the camera. That's just a side note. hehe In my experience, many modified girls are searching for themselves (as are most people, they're just doing it through mods), but they're comfortable with that search and with their transitions.

Until recently, I felt the same way. I'm not the person I want to be yet but that person is slowly emerging. I felt like I sculptor and I was content to chip away tiny pieces until I'm content with my sculpture. There was no desperation to my search, and I even thought I knew what the sculpture inside the stone would look like. Inside this fat, relatively plain (but still pretty cute) girl is a gorgeously curvy girl with beautiful tattoos and bright red dreadlocks down to my ass... oh, and great tits! I should point out that the real me is probably somewhere between those two, and that the "finished" me probably won't be like I picture it. I probably won't have the dreads. lol And I should also point out that the changes I want to make are purely external. I'm pretty happy with who I am internally, although I have no doubt that that will change too.

But suddenly I'm feeling a little desperation. Many of my life's decisions seems to have a degree of finality to them and that's worrying me a little. When I left Patrick, I knew there was a chance I was giving up on the chance of having children. I wasn't sure I even wanted them, but still... I'm perfectly aware of my age, and while it's still very young, it's not young enough to spend years and years with a partner before even thinking about having kids, like I would like to. It could still happen (and I'm still not sure I want kids), and I could always adopt, but I gave up on planning for kids when I left.

Now that Richard and I have split, I feel like I'm giving up on love too. Well, that's not true. I feel like I've given up on romantic, long-lasting, gut-wrenching love. But since I'm not even sure it existed, I'm trying to figure out why it's bothering me to give up on it.

It's not just our split that's triggering this. It's also the fact that I belong to someone else. Someone who loves me (and vice versa) but who has no romantic interest in me. His rules are very clear. He wants me to enjoy what we do, but his pleasure comes first. It took me awhile to learn that commenting on how hot and fuckable some random guy is wasn't really a good idea. Having said that, ultimately he wants me to be happy. So if there is a guy I want to date, no problem.

Except, there are actually a couple problems. The biggest one is that I don't WANT to date anyone! God knows I am not ready for that right now. I think I've just proven that. But that means unless I'm dating, I don't get tenderness and affection in my life. Actually, that's a complete lie, because he is extremely affectionate. But that's the friend part of our relationship, not the sex part. I can't imagine tenderness with our sex, nor should there be. After, yes, but that's different. And even then I can't imagine getting one of those deep, toe-curling soul kisses.

It would be wrong of me to date someone just for kisses, and I wouldn't do that to some guy. But can I stay sane in a situation with love, affection, sex, but no kisses? What worries me most is that I'm not reconsidering any of this. lol It feels right to be his pet, even with no kisses and potential future pain.

But I don't know how to be his and still keep searching for me. When I was still in a relationship with Richard, there was still a part of my life that was just for me. Now I don't have that. I'm not the person I want to be yet, I'm searching for myself, but at the same time I'm losing the major area in my life where being an individual is important. Part of my identity is his pet. And that sends shivers down my spine. It also scares the crap out of me.

So I guess for now I'll keep looking at these beautiful and beautifully flawed girls, looking at the gorgeous tattoos and finding things that I like, thereby finding another small piece of myself. And who knows... maybe the person I want to be will be the person he wants me to be. Without the dreads. :-)


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