On self-reflection

17 February 2010

Last night, hours after I wrote the previous entry, I was sitting around at work reading a book, the Guide to Getting it On. It's a hefty textbook essentially, but well-written and fun. I'd like to think I know a hell of a lot about sex and sexuality and kink. But you can never know everything, so I was curious to see what this could teach me. I'm getting off the point though.

As I was reading, I came across a paragraph that echoed what I was feeling when I was writing. "Some people need to have sex or masturbate several times a day to help numb a chronic sense of anxiety or ease feelings of deadness. Having a constant stream of orgasms can be their way of keeping an emotional funk at arm's length. Do not confuse this with sexual pleasure, even if they do." I've been kicking that around in my mind ever sense.

"Some people need to masturbate several times a day..." Do I need to? Or do I just want to? I don't think it's helpful to look at when I'm on orgasm restrictions to answer that question. After all, it's human nature to want what you can't have. During normal life, I do masturbate a lot, often a few times a day. But there are days when I don't, or days when I can't. When I don't, I'm not depressed, and when I can't, (because of life rather than specific orgasm restrictions) I'm not climbing the walls. I masturbate because I'm bored, or because I'm working a night shift and I desperately need to sleep even thought it's the middle of the day and I'm wide awake, or because one of the two guys in my life told me to, or just because I'm horny. If fills several positions in my life, and maybe some of those aren't strictly healthy. But I think masturbation still falls under the want category rather than the need one.

"to help numb a chronic sense of anxiety..." I'll be the first to admit that I have bouts of anxiety. I know why they started, and I know how much they've decreased over the years. I know they stem from a feeling of impotence and a fear of not knowing if something happened to someone I love. I also know that these anxiety attacks are very rare for me now and that they did not decrease with an increase in masturbation, nor are the rare ones brought on by a lack of masturbation. I can't honestly say that I know for a fact that there is no connection. But I know that it is unlikely that I am masturbating to manage anxiety, consciously or unconsciously.

"or ease feelings of deadness...." This is what scares me the most. When I was younger, I went through a little depression, as many teenagers do. Only once did I feel suicidal and at the time I took a very pragmatic attitude toward it. I decided to shit or get off the pot, essentially. If I was going to kill myself, I just wanted to get on with it rather than feeling maudlin and melodramatic forever. If, however, I decided life was worth living, I never wanted to revisit this issue again. And as of today I haven't. However, the attitude I took left me worried that someday I'd feel that way again. If there is something or someone in my life that makes me feel that kind of depressed again, I'm pretty quick to cut it out of my life. I don't know if that's healthy or unhealthy, but it is what it is. I worry about feeling that kind of deadness, yes. But I have no evidence to suggest that the potential for feeling that has been lurking hidden inside me for the last 14 years.

So what happened a couple days ago to put me in such a funk? I'm sure the lack of sleep or lack of endorphins I'm used to exacerbated the issue. But I won't think they were the cause or the main factor. I think that honour is more likely to go to an issue I already know I have.

Deep down, I'm convinced that I'll end up alone because no one in their right mind could love me. I tend to sabbotage relationships even when I try not to. But in the last few months, I've discovered an interesting new type of relationship. One that includes sex and love and friendship, but we're not in love. I never actually thought that could exist. A situation where sex is based on what he wants.... where there's no obligation and no hurt feelings. I don't have to question his motivation because the motive is always desire or interest. I trust him and trust that he will protect me and think of what it best for me, because he cares about me. But he's not in love with me, so there's no issue with him hurting me like I want him to. Perfect!!

Except that it's temporary. Probably. Hopefully. He's a wonderful man and a hopeful romantic, and the minute he falls in love with someone, it's over. I'm well aware of that and I accepted it a long time ago. I thought. The other day it hit me that when he finds that perfect woman, I would be so happy for him. He deserves all the happiness I could ever wish for him. I would also feel (and possibly be) completely abandoned. I don't know if he would be there for me when I'm missing his dominance or just his cuddles. And I don't know if I would want him to be there. I wouldn't want anything to smudge his happiness and ultimately it's not his problem. It would be mine to get over.

I'm not in love with him, but I do love him. And I do want all the amazing things we could offer each other, even if it's temporary. Still, I went from thinking that I would always be alone, to thinking that I would never be alone because it's a casual relationship, and then to thinking that not only would I be alone when it ended, but that the end was likely to be abrupt, complete, and painful since I would still be happy for him through all that adjustment. It hit me hard.

Anyone sane is probably wondering where the hell Richard is in all this "I'll die alone" crap. Honestly, I don't know how things will go with him. I do know that I love him. I know that my life would be a poorer place without him in it. I can't imagine anyone else possibly being able to accept the relationship we now find ourselves in. But I also know that I still think he's a fool for loving me. I know that the things I'm asking him to accept aren't easy. I know we have problems and that, like I said, I tend to sabotage relationships. And I know that ultimately I still expect to be alone. I just really hope I'm wrong.


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