On Commitment

If I had remembered what my last post had been about, I would've written much sooner. It's funny how quickly things change and how easy it is to forget moments of bad mood or sadness.

For this news to make sense, I should probably give just a little background. Because our relationship was strictly online for so long, the commitment level was... well, fairly minimal. We knew we liked each other and knew that this relationship could work in real life, but we also knew that it might not. I was his, but at the same time I wasn't. I had no collar, either real or metaphorical, but I knew I had a place by his side.

Over the course of time, I started wearing a little chain around my wrist. This was practical rather than ornamental or symbolic. Sometimes during play we would use it as a nipple chain and it was easier if I knew where it was at all times. I never considered it a collar, but it was a nice reminder of him and the fun we had together.

A couple days after we first met, we were having the relationship discussion that I mentioned a few posts ago. We gave this relationship a "just dating" status, but that didn't seem right to me. I told him that it felt like he was pushing me away, even just a little, but that I was afraid I would pull away more on my own.

This topic stayed on my mind. I didn't want to put my relationship defenses up around him, partly because his were up. And if his were up, I didn't think he could tear mine down like he always did before. The more my defenses went up, the more I thought until finally I realised that I could either pull away from him or I could tear them down myself. I have given him the ability to hurt me physically and mentally, so why shouldn't he have access to my emotions as well.

That night I told him I had been thinking and that I decided that he was still the exact same person I knew online. And I loved that person. I don't know everything about him and I can't say that we'd be together forever. But I don't want to pull away. I want to give us a chance. I also told him that I didn't expect him to feel the same thing right now, but he knew where I was when or if he ever did. He smiled, hugged me close, and we dropped the subject.

All this was at the back of my annoyance the other day. I knew that he was still viewing our relationship as far more casual than I wanted it to be. And while I understood why, it still hurt. I started thinking that it would be much easier if I could view it the way he did, or even just as sex with no relationship.

But I mentioned all this to him and by the time I went to pick him up, I was only a little apprehensive and a tad frustrated. It didn't help that I had started my drive at 2:30 am and that I was going to see a man who had had a few too many energy drinks that night. I lovingly told him that I might have to kill him before the night was out if he didn't calm the fuck down. hehe

When I picked him up, we went to breakfast. As soon as I stopped the car he was teasing me. He told me he loved the look on my face every time he twisted my nipples. But eventually hunger won out over teasing and we got out of the car.

He looked so happy when he gave me a hug, and of course the energy drinks were still making him pretty bouncy. But I commented on his smile and happiness and he said "Well of course I'm happy! The girl I love just drove two hours to see me and we're about to eat the best breakfast ever!"

The girl he loved..... There had been an unspoken agreement that that wouldn't be said until we were sure. I had said it when I was, did that mean that now he was? Or was it the energy drinks?! We kept walking slowly to the restaurant with all this running through my head. I said nothing.

"I hope you heard that."

He meant it. Holy shit.... Wait a minute, what changed in the last couple of days? He didn't feel that way when he was trying to decide whether he should come this week. So what happened?! "I heard it."

I couldn't respond to it though. I didn't know if I trusted it. We ate breakfast and laughed and made fun of the terrible music. He drew a ketchup heart on his hashbrowns and I called him a loser, teasingly of course.

And then finally I had to ask. Something had changed, and if I were going to believe him, I needed to know what. He told me that, for one thing, he had had the "what if" question about his ex. What if she came back in to his life. Now he knew. He knew that even when she was begging, he didn't want her back.

He told me I was sweet and giving and laughed at me when I blushed. He ran his fingers around my bracelet and said that it had history. Whether it was supposed to or not, it symbolised something special. And he said he didn't know where the relationship was going to take us either, but he was ok with going along for the ride.

I was ecstatically happy, but I tried not to show it as I always do in those moments. He looked at me after a few moments of silence and said "And you're trying not to break into this huge smile, aren't you?" I laughed, told him to shut up, and let the smile out.

When we got back to the car, his kisses were different. The first time we met, they had been little kisses. Sweet, but lacking the passion I had expected. Now the passion was there. Everything I expected and more. They were the best kisses I have ever had.

Those kisses led further. I've noticed that I never hesitate when I'm with him. With anyone else, I would worry (even for just a moment) that someone will see when we're in public. In private, my self-consciousness will get the better of me and I'll be nervous. With him, I just act.

Soon he had me bent backwards against my car, shirt and bra off, while he sucked and bit at my nipples. *shivers* He made me come just like that, and then we got in to the car. There were a couple of trucks around, parked while their drivers were sleeping... I can't help but wonder if we gave any of them a show.

I hesitated before starting the car. Ok, I had come, but... he was still hard! He wasn't asking for anything, but I wanted to give it. My mouth had missed him. He noticed my hesitation and smirked. "Does my whore want something else?"

We put the seat back and I started to lick and suck. The angle was terrible and by the end my jaw was aching. But I kept licking even as I swallowed his come. He stayed hard. God, I love that he can do that. "Do you want another?"

I thought about it for just a second.... I could barely open my jaw. But I wanted more. The second time like that never takes long, and it delights me that he loves my mouth... my body.... that much. So I nodded and slid him deep inside my throat again. Mmm... is there anything better than your man's moans?

A few minutes later I sat up, grinning from ear to ear. He laughed at me, and then we both laughed at how steamed up the car had gotten. hehe And thus began one of the most perfect, sex-filled, happy days I have ever had. It began with commitment, laughter, and sex.