On forever

I got my first tattoo today. *grins* About ten years ago, I decided I wanted one on my foot, but I could never quite find a design that I loved. So I kept putting it off. I wanted to be sure.

Then a year ago I was watching an anime and I saw this design on a character. It was only on the screen for a split second, but I gasped and had to rewind and pause it to see it again. I had never seen anything so beautiful.

I spent the rest of the year finding the perfect way of drawing it and looking back again and again to be sure I still loved it. I debated the pros and cons of using someone else's design. I do like originality, after all. I explained to friends that while the design was from a show, it wasn't about the show. I didn't pick the design to commemorate my love for it, but if it must represent the show, let it represent anime on the whole. I've loved that for years now, and even if I don't still love it when I'm 60, it has been an important part of my life up to now.

When I was sure, I went to my artist and booked an appointment. He and I talked about ways to make the design my own. You can't tell from that picture, but there are actually three different colours of red. It gets darker toward the tips. And in the two weeks between consultation and appointment, I kept expecting to be worried. After all, this will be on me forever.

Forever is an idea that terrorfies me. In relationships, saying forever seems ideallistic and frankly stupid. The idea of commiting to something that has to last the rest of your life is a pretty scary idea.

Until now, nothing I've done is forever. I have piercings and stretched ears, but they would grow back if I didn't like them anymore. Marriage isn't forever. Jobs can change. Friends come and go. Honestly, I like that. No one knows what the future will bring, and it's comforting to know that I can change with it.

So, even though I had spend almost a year making sure I loved the design and a decade making sure I loved the location, I was still surprised that I didn't have second thoughts. Even the second before he started, I was thinking "Really? You're still ok with this? You're not going to panic?" But I didn't. I was relaxed and ready.

And now that it's done, I can't tell you how happy I am. 50 years from now, I may be unrecognisable as the woman I am today. My hair will be gray (hell, that'll probably be in about 5 years), my face will be wrinkled, and my body will be changed. I may be single or married. I may have kids or I may not. I might be a retired counsellor, or I might be a retired zoo keeper. But I'll still have this tattoo. It may be faded and warped over time, but it'll still be mine. And somehow, that doesn't worry me.