On intentional disobedience

4 February 2009

Since my last post, I've only spoken to my Dom once. And it was a fairly tense conversation. I do so love those quirky irony gods. Whenever something is going well, you just know it'll bite you in the ass. Especially if you tell people how great it is.

I had planned to write about the tension... but I don't want to just yet because it hasn't been resolved. And the way things are going, I don't know when it will be resolved. I know the other day I mentioned that wonderful third option of letting the other person go and knowing things will be the same when they get back. Well, the irony gods decided to put that to the test and I more-or-less failed.

I struggle with some forms of submission but I don't usually struggle against submission itself. I do when I'm angry though. I lash out and generally act like a child. I tell him how I'm feeling, but all I can do is write it in my journals. If he's not around or chooses not to read them, there's nothing I can do about that. I feel impotent. So I lash out where I can. I go through my favourites folder deleting links he sent me. Or get rid of pictures that he sent that I didn't really like. Or skip over any music that reminds me of him. I try to erase part of his influence in my life. It's so stupid.

Today I did something a little worse. We're both huge anime fans and there are a couple of shows that we watch together. Two he has seen before and wanted to share with me and another we're both watching for the first time. This is a huge exercise in patience and submission for me, because the two that he has seen before, I have access to as well. I see the files every day and have to pass them by. It should be noted that this restriction doesn't stop him from watching the episodes before I see them... but *shrugs* He's the Dom.

Occasionally I mention that I'd really like to watch one. Sometimes we do, sometimes we don't. This is worse than orgasm denial for me, it really is. Today I watched one of them. The whole series. Now, it had been 5 months since we had watched this particular show, but that's no excuse. Only a couple of weeks ago during one of my "why can you watch it but I can't?!" sessions he asked me if I wanted to be released from my restrictions. I don't know if he would've given me that release if I asked for it, but the truth is I love watching it with him. So I said no.

And now I've gone and watched it anyway. More out of spite than actual desire to watch. *sighs* So now I know I need to tell him what I've done. But we still have this over-riding issue that needs to be dealt with. I hate this long distance thing.

0 comments:

Post a Comment