On relationships

As the official end of my marriage approaches, I can't help but think of all the things I could've done differently. Then I think of all the ways a relationship can break down.

The funny thing is, before I met my husband I had never had a relationship I was really comfortable in. I look back at my ex's and they all seemed to fall under the "good enough for now" heading. I don't regret any of them but I knew I wouldn't end up with any of them either.

I see a lot of relationships around me failing. And I've never seen a relationship that I wanted to emulate. My parents had a horrible relationship that ended when I was six. They both remarried a year later and my mom has been married ever since to a wonderful man. But a long relationship doesn't mean that it's the type of relationship I want.

I know that no one can guarantee that a relationship will be good and long or anything else. Life doesn't work like that. But I'm still looking for a guarantee, I think. I know the things that I do well in a relationship and I know the things I don't do so well.

I'm pretty good about relaxing and letting my man be himself, whoever that is. For instance, I'm not one of those women who makes their house all about them, paints their bedroom pink, and allocates their man one room (or maybe a shed in the garden) for the things he enjoys. But I'm so good at being relaxed and low-maintenance (in that situation, anyway) that I sometimes make my man feel like I don't need him.

At the end of one relationship and the potential beginning of another, I find myself trying to foresee and fix any problems in the future. Yes, I know this is completely stupid and pointless.

But part of me wonders if the D/s element to this relationship can help with some basic problems. After all, communication is key. So is honesty. You pay attention to little things about your partner, be it their mood or their comfort levels or whatever. Sure everyone makes mistakes, but these things are all crucial for a BDSM relationship.

I do think that communication and openness are two things that fail in a relationship and a big part of the reason they break down. So if he's a good Dom and I'm a good sub, maybe that won't be as much of a problem. It's not a guarantee. But maybe it's a ward against basic problems that so many people have. Or maybe I'll just have to keep my fingers crossed and take things as they come, just like everyone else. *smiles*

On perfection

It's funny how a certain theme suddenly appears everywhere. In the last three days the idea of a perfect partner has come up in a lot of conversations.

I was in a favourite chat room on Saturday and after one man declared me his ideal woman for the third time (*rolls eyes*) I simply said that I didn't believe in perfect partners. Apparently I was the only one. The main person I was talking to said he was a great believer in true love, but I pointed out that I never said I didn't believe in true love. I just don't believe in perfect partners. Even if there are elements of your personality that mesh perfectly, real life will get in the way at some point. Even with true love, the hoovering still needs doing.

Then on Sunday I was talking to a friend (lets call him George) about a story I have been thinking about writing. It's about a girl and her dom, but it's not about me and mine. Not really. It's sort of a fantasy, but the woman in the story is less submissive but more extreme than I am. George knows R (I should really give my Dom a name rather than just an initial... Let's call him Richard from now on) and there is occasionally a little tension between them. I've mentioned George before as the playmate who can get really clingy.

Anyway, George asked if the dom in this story was Richard and I realised that he really really wasn't. Really nothing like him, in fact. I don't want to give anything away in case I decide to publish the story here, but no, they're not very much alike. I told George that maybe this guy was my ideal Dom. He's harsh and uncaring. And if I'm honest, I'm much more comfortable with just sex than when love is involved too. But ideal doesn't mean perfect. Sometimes what we want isn't what is best for us.

And then on Monday, I read Sarah's blog about a similar thing. And I completely agree. Knowing what your partner isn't 100% perfect doesn't ever mean you're settling or just accepting what you're given. And who wants perfection anyway? I don't want someone who is just like me or a relationship where there's never any conflict. Problems can teach you more about each other. And resolving those problems bring you closer together. I value the places where Richard and I are different as much as I value the places where we're alike.

On balance

My Dom has a one word motto that he tries very hard to live by: Balance. For every bad, there is a good. I suppose that's why he doesn't worry about things that go wrong. He knows they'll eventually swing around for the better. I have to admit though, I expected to have to wait longer for things to swing back to good again.

If we felt disconnected a few days ago, it has certainly balanced out now. I have never felt more connected than we did yesterday. I let everything else in my head fall away, and it was just him and me.

It's so easy to worry about thin walls or that someone might just happen to knock on the door. Or worse still, that my husband's work schedule will change and he'll come home early. He certainly doesn't deserve a surprise like that. Yesterday it didn't really cross my mind.

His orders were obeyed without question or hesitation. At one point, R wanted me to fuck my throat with a toy and I did without thought. I didn't taste the plastic like I normally would. I didn't stop to think of how silly it must look. None of that mattered. It felt like he was fucking my throat (except that the toy is quite a bit smaller than he is) and I needed that. He wanted it to feel as real as possible for me. He was rather disappointed that the only toy I have with a suction cup is a small butt plug. Guess I know what my next toy purchase will be. *grins*

I won't go in to too many details, but I always marvel at the fact that I can be more satisfied from one orgasm with him than I am from 10 with a random playmate. I guess with Master, it goes beyond physical. It's a mindfuck as much as anything else.

On a more disappointing note, he is sans internet for a few weeks. I'll get to talk to him for maybe two hours a week over the phone, but that's not a lot. But while that's obviously disappointing, I actually feel pretty ok about it. Not that long ago, I would have been dreading all those days without even a hello. Now, I'm just looking forward to the next time we talk, even though that'll probably be a week or more away.

It's easy to say that now though. *chuckles* We'll see if I'm still saying that at the end of the week.

On being out of sync

Last night, playtime with R just... didn't work. I mean, we both came and it was fine, but it felt like something was off.

This is another one of those times when I really hate that our relationship is only online (But I did just book the hotel for him to come over in a few months, so YAY!!). We both wanted to play, but I don't think either one of us really wanted to work at it. Physical work is fine, but I think we just wanted to switch off mentally and enjoy it. Doesn't really work that way when you're not physically together. *sighs*

We still haven't gotten back to having as much time together as we used to, so this was the first playtime we've had in several days. I think I was a little disappointed. When it was over, I didn't feel satisfied. I was physically sated, but we hadn't gotten that connection that we usually have, and I miss that just as much as the rest.

I didn't want to say anything, but my body seems to understand this whole honesty thing better than my brain does, so suddenly my mouth was opening and words were coming out. I asked if it was just me or if that felt really disconnected. In the split second before his answer came, I was so nervous. I hoped he wouldn't think I was criticizing or complaining and I really hoped he wouldn't be upset.

All he said was "Yep" but it was said in such a way that I knew he meant "Yeah, that wasn't the greatest, but it happens and it'll be better next time. No worries!" hehe I love how men can do that. Or maybe it's just that women read too much in to what they way. *grins*

On normality

A few nights ago, my Dom and I were having a mini-tiff over "normal". I think it started with plastic surgery, as it usually does. He doesn't understand how I can understand body modification in the piercing/tattoos/implants sense but hate the idea of plastic surgery. Just to be clear, he's not saying either are a good thing, he's just challenging my beliefs.

The conversation itself doesn't matter, but the idea that everyone wants to be normal and accepted does matter. Obviously the definition of "normal" depends on your society and your friends and everything else, but maybe people just feel more understood if they are "normal".

The problem I have is this: I don't remember ever feeling like that. I'm not saying that I am entirely comfortable in my own skin because god knows I'm not. But I don't really worry that other people are judging me. When I'm uncomfortable, it's because I'm judging myself.

I've read so many blogs about people questioning why they like the things they do, and I've never experienced that. I remember when I was younger and I had the vague impression that masturbation was bad, since I grew up in a very religious home where sex was never discussed. But I never felt bad about anything I enjoyed. I didn't question it, I didn't wonder... I just enjoyed it.

I have questioned my desire to submit and why I have chosen to submit to this man when I've never met anyone else that I would have. But I've never thought anything was wrong with me for feeling the way I do. It almost makes me wonder if something is wrong with me for just accepting my interests when so many other people struggle for understanding.

I think the struggle can be a positive thing. It reaffirms what your interests truly are. Maybe I'm missing out.

On miscommunication

God, sometimes I hate being online. I certainly hate having an online relationship at times. It's so easy to mis-read a tone of "voice" or for the webcam to freeze and miss a very important look. And I hate being and feeling responsible for those things, despite trying my hardest. It's really just technology that's working against me.

Today was just one of those days, I think. Miscommunications and frustrations everywhere. I failed to make a connection between two things he was showing me over his cam (mind you, he didn't tell me there was a connection or anything else, he just put things in front of the lens and I was supposed to read his mind) and he got frustrated with me. The odd thing was, this was the first time he had ever gotten frustrated when his cam was on, so it's the first time I saw his reaction. It threw me, if I'm honest. After all, I'd made a lot of connections already with no clues and I thought that was pretty impressive. Besides, the only reason I hadn't made this connection was because the cam didn't focus very well and I missed a tiny detail.

I asked him not to be frustrated (actually, I probably told him not to *blushes*) and that it wasn't my fault the cam wasn't very clear. We had been typing at that point, but that earned me a call. He wasn't too happy, to say the least. But I still thought I had a good point. I was doing my best with no help from him and technology was getting in our way. That wasn't my fault! And I certainly didn't deserve his frustration.

Anyway, it was dealt with and we moved on, but we didn't really. It still felt like there was a mood between us. It ended up being one of those days when we just called it quits, knowing that if we gave each other a little space things would be fine when we came back.

I'm not saying there won't be days like that when/if we're actually together. God knows there will probably be more of them. But I hate that this one was caused by such a stupid miscommunication. Well.... that and my smart mouth that doesn't like being wrong.

On last week

I hadn't realised how long it had been since I've written here. It felt like I didn't really have much to say. All seems to be right in the world again. There were a couple of days last week where everyone I knew was depressed. Three of the four significant men in my life were completely down and they all wanted to cling to me, it seemed. I never used to mind that. I could let people cling, comfort them, cheer them up, and then move on when they were ok again. This time it really dragged at me. But now it's on an upswing again, so bonus! hehe

My Dom was the only man who seemed to be ok through all of this. He has had his bad moments, as we all do, but recently life is going well for him. And we've started making plans for him to come over here for a week. My marriage will be over in May (so anything I write will probably be pretty maudlin in the next few months) and he will probably be here at the end of June.

We had talked about it all along, assuming this relationship continued. We both want to take things slow. I'm not leaving my husband for him. My marriage was over a long time ago and has practically nothing to do with my Dom. I'm not going from one bed to another. So we wanted to have this meeting to figure out how well we really do get on in real life. And to give me an idea of where I'll be moving.

No matter what, I won't be moving in to his house or his town. But depending on how well things go, it might be the next town over or it might be the next state over. Or if we don't get along at all, it'll be New Mexico, where I always wanted to live. *chuckles*

But right now I'm not thinking that far ahead. Even his trip is too far ahead, really. But I'm so excited about it! Nervous too. He had this biorythmns application on his phone (for some reaon... god knows why) that he didn't particularly believe but thought it was interesting. I asked him to check what his day was supposed to be like on the day we're planning to meet. Apparently his emotional reading was VERY low. I got him to check mine since it works on your date of birth and apparently my emotional reading was practically as high as it can get.

So even though neither of us believe that it'll really tell us anything, I've now got it in my head that I'll be head over heels in love with him, and he'll be disappointed in me. Which, of course, was my worry all along. *chuckles* He calmly reminded me that he loves me and that we're both worried about our first meeting. We're both excited about it too though.

Those thoughts wouldn't get out of my head, so he decided to sing a song that I've been trying to keep out of my head for about a month now. Did any of you ever watch the elephant show on nikelodeon when you were a kid? Anyway, it's that song and it's horrible. But it worked as he intended. Every time I think about that biorythmn reading, the song comes along with it. *grins* It's a pretty decent deterrent.