On actions vs. attitude

15 March 2009


What makes a Dom a Dom? For that matter, what makes a sub a sub? Should a person take those titles just because they act like one? Or is there something deeper there? Should a Dom or sub be called that if they're only sexually dominant or submissive? Or should it be true outside the bedroom too?

My friend Maria likes being tied up, she loves collars, she's tried pony play and she's slowly discovering that she gets shivers in her stomach around alpha male types. She certainly acts submissive in some ways. On paper she might even look more submissive than I am. But she's not a sub and she doesn't want to be. She likes the trappings, but doesn't want the title.

My friend George likes to think he's dominant because he likes the idea of a gang bang. He likes spankings and hair pulling and loves to hear a girl call herself a whore. But in that relationship I'm the dominant partner. Hell, if I'm honest I've been the dominant partner in most of my relationships. I certainly am in my marriage. Apart from Richard, everyone has either not been dominant enough to ask me to submit or not worth submitting to in the first place.

As for my Dom... he can seem pretty submissive at times. He'll do absolutely anything he can to make a friend smile, even if it means he doesn't have money to eat for the rest of the week. He likes to think that he's not a typical middle child, but he plays the peace-maker pretty well... sometimes. He told me once that his mum was surprised to learn that he was a Dom because she'd always thought he'd be a sub if he went one way or the other. (I have no idea how that conversation came up... not sure I want to know. hehe)

He certainly acts like a Dom, so he's got that covered. And I'll admit, at first I was a little concerned that he was just another person acting. I never felt like he was, but on paper it looked like he was. It was something I was wary of for a little while. But I never saw anything to be concerned about. After all, I can be dominant in some ways and submissive in others (even outside the bedroom). Why should I be concerned just because he's the same way?

I've come across lots of people who call themselves doms just because they like their sex rough. They have BDSM-associated fantasies like tying a girl up naked in the woods or writing "whore" across their body and think that that's all you need.

And who am I to say it isn't? I can't really know someone's inner thoughts and desires or what makes them who they are. (*thinks for a second* I'm a counsellor... should I be saying that? hehe)

I think anyone should be able to take a title or a role that they're comfortable with. But at the same time, could that be something that alters the way the vanilla world sees D/s relationships? And does that matter?

I keep thinking of religion as an example. I don't think a person is religious just because they go to church. Conversely I think you can hold your beliefs privately and not have to go somewhere just to be religious. So is a person a Dom just because someone calls them Master?

Feel free to comment... I'd love to know what other people think about this.

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