On being a doormat

The other day my Dom and I were having a discussion. Not a fight, in this case, but there was an issue that needed addressing. It's a complicated issue, but it boils down to the fact that, while we have an open relationship, I'm not comfortable being completely ignored while he plays with someone else. I admit that this is my problem, not his, and it's only because I'm not comfortable enough in my own skin to entirely believe that he will always come back to me.

Initially, we fixed this by him agreeing to send me a quick message telling me where he was and that he would be with me later. I hated the idea of keeping tabs on him because I don't need to do that, but it was even worse getting exited about seeing him for hours and then finding out he'd been online all along, just with someone else. It wasn't long before we encountered a flaw in this solution.

I was incredibly horny and had been waiting for him to sign on all day. When he did, it was only to tell me that he would be around later. I was dying, but I couldn't bring myself to tell him that I needed some attention. Instead, I acknowledged his message and carried on with my day as usual.

For various reasons, this frustration came to a head later in the day and he was very frustrated with me for not just telling him that I wanted him. I have serious issues with appearing needy or clingy and this definitely falls under that category for me. He pointed out that even if I could ask him to stay, I could've just given him a long passionate, toe curling kiss and shown him that I wanted him with me. Then he reminded me that, although I am submissive, I don't have to act like a doormat.

I was stunned because I am NEVER a doormat. The only time I ever back down to him is when he specifically says that he's had enough now and gives me a look to remind me of my place. I never saw my silence as letting myself be taken advantage of. I simply saw it as sticking with our agreed plan and not getting in the way of his fun or pleasure.

It made me realise just how much I struggle to show that I am needy. I don't like needing anything from anyone and that includes needing attention from him. I still don't think I was being a doormat, but I do need to work on letting him know what my needs and desires are. After all, it's always nice to feel needed and desired.