On mistakes

Does anyone else ever get to the point where they're so stressed and just can't relax... and you just know that if your Dom could just use you hard, make you cry, fuck you senseless, and then hold you close and make you smile, everything would be fine again?

I've been at that point the last couple of weeks. My mind feels completely fractured and I haven't been able to put it back together myself. In the past when I've gotten in this mood, R hasn't let it last for even a day. I was really shocked, because I know that sometimes I do just start bitching about everything around me. Sometimes I'm just easily annoyed. So when he, at first, laughed at my annoyed observations, then started to get frustrated, and then suddenly told to get on my knees NOW, I was surprised. I resisted at first, but when I finally gave in, the release was wonderful. I felt calm and whole and nothing annoyed me.

This time it has lasted for weeks. We've been spending less time together recently. With the holidays, it was a little tough. Plus, I have a paper I'm trying to write. He knows this, so he stays away. He doesn't want to be a distraction. So this release that I needed so desperately never came.

I knew what I needed. I tried to communicate what I needed. But I couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to come out and straight tell him what I wanted, because I felt like I would be critisizing him for not noticing my mood and dealing with it. Or like I was telling him how to be a better Dom. I'm always looking out for a tendency to top from the bottom. I don't like passive aggression and I won't use it.

So instead of talking to him and risking his feelings, I kept quiet. I found myself looking for more dominant play partners. See, I usually draw a line with my partners. I don't to submit to anyone but my Master, so the people I play with on the side don't get to do anything that I consider more dominant. We can be equals, I can be more aggressive, whatever... but they don't get to order me around and anything BDSM is out. R never requested these limits... it's simply what I felt most comfortable with. And what I felt was more respectful.

Suddenly, I found myself looking for a dom that would try to break me. It started slow, with someone that I just knew was more dominant. Then it went to someone who actually said they were a Dom. Then it went to a quiet man who claimed to have trained slaves for 20 years. As I've made clear, I would never want to be a slave. But I wanted something that would break me. None of these people could do it. My "submission" wasn't real with them... it was just words that never reached my heart.

In the last 4 days, this paper has been on my every waking thought. I lived off of coffee and that's about it. No food, little sleep, looking at nothing except my computer screen. My mood has been swinging back and forth like mad. But I have finally slept and calmed down and feel human again. And now that I do, I wonder how I could've even pretended to submit to anyone else. I feel absolutely terrible about it.

I briefly mentioned to R that I had been playing with other doms in the journals I keep for him. I know he read them but I don't know if he cares. Between the paper and my friends that have been around the last few days (and who fortunately forced me to eat) he and I have been incommunicado since Saturday.

I feel like I need forgiveness for this. And I don't know if, when we start talking again, he will be angry or if he will laugh it off. I know I wasn't myself, and I know I would never normally do that. I also know why I did. But it's no excuse. My submission is my gift to him... and I never want to give it to anyone else.