The other day I had a conversation with a friend about bad relationships. I was telling him about a submissive woman that I knew and I had concerns that her Master was not a very good dom. I've believed for a long time now that it is not necessarily an act that constitutes abuse; it is the intention and logic behind it. This is especially true in a BDSM relationship. What people in that relationship do is entirely consensual and as such, is not abusive. That does not mean that a dom can't be abusive though, because they can.
I have my own idea about what makes a good or bad dom. And my idea actually has nothing to do with my kinks and desires. It has to do with how he takes responsibility for himself and his sub. I think lots of subs and other Doms would agree with these things, because I have heard many people say similar things.
But who am I to pass judgement on another person's relationship? If one sub's opinion on what makes a bad dom is different to everyone else's, does that mean she's wrong? I don't really think it does.
I think most people involved in this sort of lifestyle are used to having judgements passed against them. It hurts when we feel that our choices are challenged. But more often than not, it strengthens our resolve to continue making those choices. Personally I think that's a good thing. But does that mean that we're less likely to listen if a friend (even one that can accept the lifestyle) is concerned about our relationship?
The friend I was talking to suddenly decided to express some minor concerns he had about my relationship. I respect him for being brave enough to voice these concerns, but I think he's wrong.
He feels like my Master neglects me. I'm sure this is almost entirely my fault. I don't tell him about all the wonderful times my Master pampers me and showers me with love an affection and attention because those times are special and private to me. I don't want to share them. But I am likely to mention in passing that I haven't talked to him in a few days. I need to watch what I say, really.
By my friend's standards, my Master certainly does neglect me. My friend is very clingy and wants to be permanently attached to his girl. Or to his friends, for that matter. Neither R nor I want that type of relationship, so I don't consider it neglectful if I don't talk to him for 10 hours every day.
It's true, sometimes I do wish he paid a little more attention to things I've said or something I want. But he's my Master. I can express displeasure if I get that unhappy, but ultimately he will decide what we do and when. It is difficult giving up that control to him, but I love doing it and wouldn't change it for the world.
But if it were another problem, would I reject my friend's concerns outright? Or would I listen to see if it has some validity?
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