On the brain

The human brain is a truly amazing thing. I know this because it is part of my job to know. The mind and body interact in stunning ways. I'm saying all this because... well, I'll tell the whole story.

I have never planned on having kids. Don't get me wrong, I like kids. But I never had any desire to have my own. I figured that, someday when I was ready, my partner and I could always adopt. I have never had a regular period in my life, so as time went on, I questioned my ability to even have children.

On top of that, I have a pregnancy phobia. My sister is pregnant at the moment, and I'm so incredibly happy for her. I listen to all her baby things like a good sister and aunt should, but after about five minutes I'm left feeling like I need to be sick. I fight it because... well, I want to be there for her. I know the origins of this phobia and I know where my limits are, but it's definitely there.

When R and I first got together, we were talking, as you do, about hopes and dreams for the future. He very much wants children. He had nieces and nephews and he's so good with them. I fall in love with him a little more every time he talks about them or about his dreams for children in the future.

I would've liked to stay silent on the matter, going with the odds that our relationship wouldn't last (after all, there's an ocean between us, we've never met, and honestly, how many relationships last?), but I couldn't. We were still getting to know each other at the time. I don't even think we'd said "I love you" yet. But Rule Number 1 is honesty... so I told him.

I told him I didn't know if I could have kids and that I was scared to even if I could. But I also told him that, for the first time, I could see myself having them. Not for me, because god knows I would be scared shitless, but for my partner. For him.

About two months later, I started having periods. Regularly. Obviously, I can't say for absolutely certain that it had anything to do with him. I had previously been on birth control that stopped them (even though I never had them anyway), but I had been off that medicine for about 8 months when this conversation happened. The coincidence is remarkable.

Maybe for the first time in my life I felt like I had someone who would look after me. Who wouldn't believe in my outward appearance of strength and assume I could handle everything. Someone who could deal with my fear and promise to protect me.

That doesn't stop me from cursing his name (more-or-less good natured-ly) every time that time of the month rolls around. Today the conversation went something like:

R: How have you been dear?
Me: I've been ok. Cramping like mad. I think you're somewhat to blame for that, but I'll forgive you.
R:Meeeee?
Me: *nods* I was happy and period free before you *chuckles*
R: *rolls eyes* Period free, but not the rest

As usual, he was right.