On fantasy rape

Today I got to have a chat with my Master, much to my relief. 10 minutes in 6 days just isn't enough. I hate to admit it, but it was probably made worse by the fact that he has a blossoming new relationship, and I wasn't there to hear about it.

He was going over the journal entries that I wrote for him over the last few days. I keep one for things that happen in my personal life and one for fantasies or thoughts about submission or anything like that.

One of the entries was about rape. He had been bringing it in to our fantasies and play time recently, and I wasn't sure why. Without going in to any detail, he has reason to be especially sensitive about that issue, and it's never something I would have brought up myself. So I wasn't sure if he was doing it to see what my reaction was or if he was fine with the fantasy.

I know that actual rape is nothing to do with sex. And of course I would never encourage rape in any sense. And I don't really have a fantasy about being raped by a stranger or anything like that. But when that word is used in a fantasy... *shivers* I don't know, I guess I do like it. For me, it symbolises lack of control. The need to have someone that badly.

I thought about it over the next few days and wrote another entry, this time about saying no. I decided to let him know that "no" never means no in our relationship. I'm well aware that, as my Master, he'll take what he wants. But he knows that I have issues around abuse and is very sensitive to them, so he probably wouldn't go too far in that taking.

But there is passion in reluctant sex. Angry, clawing, screaming passion. And I may genuinely mean no, but that doesn't mean I'm ready to stop.

Now, before I get a thousand angry e-mails, I want to say that I am absolutely not trying to lend credence to the "when girls say no, they really mean yes" myth because that is crap. I would never EVER say this to anyone else and I would strongly encourage anyone to back off if someone says no.

But in this case, things are a little different. As with many D/s relationships, we have a safeword. And if I really meant no, I would use it. And I would expect it to be respected. Since we have an all-encompasing "no!" I can safely tell him that no doesn't mean no when it comes to us.

I will point out, though, that it didn't exactly fill me with joy when, after reading that entry, he said "Honey... what's our safeword?" I was a little stunned and just stammered "Um... you can't... you can't forget our safeword! That's kind of important!" He pointed out that it had been months and months since I had used it and promised to put it on his phone so he would remember. *sighs and shakes my head*