On sub vs. slave

I want to thank Meta for her comment. I won't mention the girly squeal that came out in delight over my first comment. *grins and laughs* But she reminded me of something that is very important to me.

Before I write anything else, I want to note that no D/s relationship is the same as another. Everyone works within their own kinks and limits. I think everyone has their own definition of terms as well. My definition is not necessarily the same as anyone else's, so no offense is intended if our opinions differ.

Last night I asked R what he thought the difference was between a sub and a slave. We had talked about this at length when my submission first began, but that seems long ago now and I wanted to quote him. His answer? Quite simply, "Free will." *grins* I'll try to expand on that a bit.

His definition of a slave is someone who has completely given all will to her Master. Someone who has no limits because how can there be a limit when there is no will? He enjoys the power and gift of the submission of a strong willed person much more than the ego boost of someone who has no will or control over themselves.

Again, that's his view and his definition and it certainly isn't meant as a slight on anyone's life or choices. It simply is not what he or I want for our relationship. This does not mean that I don't to submit instantly to his requests, even if they push my limits. It means that we will have long conversations about the limits that I have, the reasons I have them, and what would happen if they are crossed. It means that I am treated as a person and not merely a thing. I am his to use as he wishes when he wishes... but it is a gift that I give him, not something that is expected.

As Meta correctly guessed, I do value my strength and independence and that is what concerns me over being a slave. I can understand why this fits some people and some lifestyles, but it doesn't fit me. More importantly, it doesn't fit my Dom. If being a slave was what I wanted, he wouldn't be my Dom.

The other day R mentioned that he had been talking to someone about me and he told this person that he did not own me. And I burst into tears. In my defense, this conversation was right after the one I talked about yesterday so emotions were running high, but still... I cried. And he was extremely confused.

He calmed me down and then we talked. I realised I was already feeling on edge because there was someone else in his life that he was really interested in. And then with that simple statement, I felt like he no longer wanted me as his subbie.

He slowly explained that the person he was speaking to was using the term "owned" in a very degrading one and he didn't like it. R was speaking with the definitions used by this other person rather than with his own. Second, he knew what the connotations of an owned submissive can be with "uneducated" people and while he didn't want to take the time to educate this person, he didn't want them thinking poorly of his girl.

God, every time I think of those words, I melt a little. Has anyone ever been happier? *grins*

After I was completely calm he reminded me that there was a third reason too... he doesn't own me. We both decided long ago that "owner" would never be part of his description until we had, at the very least, met. It has nothing to do with his desire to own me or my desire to be owned. It simply makes sense for us to wait.

Ownership is not something I would give up lightly nor something he would take easily. And while no relationship is ever certain, we both want to be as certain as we can be before making that commitment. He kindly pointed out that just because he doesn't own me, it doesn't mean he doesn't want to or that he doesn't look forward to it every day.